All that i am, or hope to be

“All that I am, or hope to be”

love package

Saturday, November 30, 2013

How strange is it that when you love somebody you have this protective instinct naturally implanted on you? That you know them so well when they do something different you can't help but wonder if it is your fault. Like youre not good enough or you cant seem to reach the point of interest that would usually distract said person from suddenly changing. Its odd witnessing an electric conversation between the person you love and a complete stranger. It makes you feel like a third wheel. Especially if said person does not behave in that manner of which you observe on normal circumstances. Doubts start flowing in like a flood.

And then you wonder if everything you're doing is even half worth it. You plan so much for this person, and then this sudden change. You want to turn back and halt all good intentions, stop and remain still at a point, and maybe let yourself heal. You realize you starved and neglected some of the things that make you yourself happy, to save up for something special for the person, and you wonder if it was a mistake to risk your own happiness for someone else's, especially after what happened.

And then things take a turn for the worse. Past issues were brought up, and youre reminded once more of every negative event that occurred since you first surrendered your heart to the person. You feel like that precious heart of yours wasnt being taken care of, and that fragile thing has experience so much little wounds that it has lost its meaning. You just wish you could stop caring.

In fact...
You'd wish you never start caring at all.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

How long has it been since i last blogged?
Forever I'm sure. I lack reason to why I've decided to do it now, but the best excuse could probably be that things have mostly settled down and the weight on my shoulders have lightened, by a lot.

Boy has a lot changed, or what? I can't describe life right now. It's just a constant cycle of things. I try to make the best out of my days, but i look forward to something closer to the interesting side, which, i have yet to find as life unveils its surprises for me.

Been struggling a lot with anxiety nowadays, also fueled by constant parasomnia, unable to fall asleep and once asleep, unable to wake up. Sleep paralysis has taken over what was once dreams and nightmares, and as soon as I fall into slumber the battle of trying to either fully fall asleep or fully be awake begins. It's tiring, and I only finally shoot awake feeling more tired than before i had "slept". Sleep paralysis is really weird. Some people experience images or sounds that scare them. I, on the other hand, don't. Or at least, not anymore. Now the paralysis has fused into a more realistic manner, confusing me, making it difficult to draw the lines between real life and non-real life. I'd be awake, aware of everything around me. I am glued to the bed, unable to move, every muscle frozen, yet my eyes are able to see 360 degrees in all directions. It's frightening when you think of how you're actually able to see without the proper use of your eyes. Obviously my eyes are not moving 360 degrees or gained x-ray vision to view past my head or anything. Strange how we all are.

This in turn, has caused bouts of anxiety stirring through my days. Every sound and shadow, is basically a trigger. Though it's not just this(parasomnia) causing the anxiety of course, there's plenty of other reasons I'm anxious, but i'm not going to explain here. I don't know why, but everything just leads to a conclusion of death, and it is that very thing i fear. Like, oh, a shadow, a killer is coming. Or, the floor creaked, it will give way, i will fall through, i will die. These things scare the shit out of me. Being alone at night is worse. Every scratch and dribble coming from the neighbors just leads me into thinking something is out there, watching me, talking to me... haunting me.

But that's not the worst. The worst is the voices... they've grown. They ask too many questions, assume too many things, come up with the most wildest of imaginations. The voices, have grown, as my own voice got suppressed by the idea that if i talked less, less problematic things will occur, much like the cost and effect system. I was wrong though. The voices make up for the significant decrease of physical things happening. They now all happen in my head. And these voices have crazy discussions, arguments, everything. They're mine, but they're not mine. They cause this anxiety, and it's really not fun having an anxiety attack.

More to physical reality. Mom has been going to and fro overseas for the make of her clothing line for her brand new coming up bridal galleria. I will be helping her out, and hopefully working under her to earn some income while schooling next year. This is one of the things i'm hoping to be looking forward to.

My boyfriend has been the sweetest, accompanying me as much as he can through the nights mom isn't around. Recently he went home after a long night with me, and i thought my brother could accompany me through sleep but he didn't. It grew into an anxiety attack, lightheaded, lack-of-air-in-lungs me, called him crying and he came right back here from home, and held me safely to sleep. I'm not sure when he left, but he did cus when i woke i had that sleep paralysis problem again, and took about 4 hours slipping in and out of sleep paralysis and real sleep. I got confused between dreaming that i really woke up and being really awake and couldn't move. My body would feel this super strong vibration, like my whole body has the pins and needles. I managed to wake up finally, feeling relieved at the same time confused AND anxious, when i heard knocking. I wasn't sure if i was awake or if i was dreaming i was awake, and got paranoid when the knocking continued. I texted my boyfriend, he was at work, and said it could be the postman and i should really check it out.

So i did, and saw him. I panicked a little, like a horror movie come to life, and msged him for assurance if it was him or not. The image through the peephole looked down, an his phone lit up and sure enough i saw my text, so i proceed to open the door. Paranoia has really gotten into me then. He smiled his usual handsome grin, and passed me a single rose and a cup of my favourite iced tea (lemon + honey + green tea). What a sweetheart. Gave me a hug and a pinch to assure me i'm awake. That kickstarted my day off from the possible anxiety and paranoia, and i was happy throughout. What do I ever do without him.