All that i am, or hope to be

“All that I am, or hope to be”

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Let's make this as constructive as possible.

Have i been in love?
Yes.

Have i been this in love?
No. This is the first time.

He's perfect. He's perfect in every way. I don't care about his flaws. He has morphed and molded into the most perfect human being in my eyes. His presence is almost magical. Everyone else becomes transparent when he's near. It's almost like, he's another world. I'm in another world when I'm with him. Nothing matters. Nobody matters. Just him, and I'm always in joy, my heart silently welded into the shape of happiness. Everything is floaty and dreamy with him near. And whenever he brings me down, i let it go, because he's too perfect, because he's the best thing that ever happened to me and I can't bear to let the best go. In a matter of hours, in a matter of seconds even, I snap back and remembers just how perfect he is. I'll overlook whatever that has caused the mishap, because of that joy, that magic, that perfection. He's everything to me, a best friend, a brother, he's my company, my crying shoulder, my pillar, my hopes and ambitions... my lover.

Nevermind that he's always too late. Nevermind how many of his words hurt me. Nevermind i have to clean up after him, nevermind i don't have friends. Nevermind what my mum thinks of him, nevermind what his friends may think of me.

But when the love i try to radiate off isn't enough, it gets rough. Apparently he doesn't see how he's almost like a god to me. He does not realize this. I listen to him, i am more honest to him than i am to myself. I willingly sacrificed everything. And if that's not enough, i don't know what is. We've had enough traumatic arguments regarding not being enough. How he thinks i don't love him proper, or that i might have someone else other than him. We've been there. It may seem like he's never enough, to the raw eye. Of course not. I want that wafting feeling all the time. Like an escape. All the time. How is a few mere hours ever going to be enough? Sadly I can't have things my way. So it is that few hours, where i suck up all i can, take in all the joy a person ever could. I'd savour it like it was the last. Every precious second, was absorbed. Into a memory. A memory where I can sit down and smile to.

But what happens when there's too much of me? What happens when he needs to get away from me? What happens when i try so fucking hard to be enough and he says it's too much? What happened to all the fights where he is begging for me to love him better, love him more?

Everytime we're in a fight or argument, i still diligently listen to him. Meet him, talk to him. Doesn't matter what time it is, who i'm with, where i am, i'll find my ways. Whatever that makes him happy.

So when there's too much of me, this is what happens. It's like you worked so hard for something, but then you're told you shouldn't be working for it at all. So thats where my efforts went. Trying to be nice, trying to understand, trying to listen and obey and wait all fucking day.

I was never needed.

That was a hard slap to the face. Wow.