All that i am, or hope to be

“All that I am, or hope to be”

inspired

Sunday, April 29, 2012

IF THESE PEOPLE:

CAN RUN, WITH CRUTCHES,

WITHOUT LEGS

what is a knee injury to me?

i fell, but so what?

get up, try again.

its in me. i need to run.

emotional moments

Saturday, April 28, 2012

you were supposed to be there for me. cheer me up. make things better.

now every time i think or text or talk to you i just feel like crying.

i was not only physically injured, my emotions are scarred too.
i don't want to trust you with my feelings anymore.
they're too fragile, you're too harsh.
i feel like i'm not made for you. you hurt me so damn much.
your jokes are cruel. people don't joke about finding another girl.
you know i have trust issues yet you say such thing.

that isn't a joke.
it hurts.

and then telling everyone else about it?

even more hurtful.

i don't want to be there anymore. don't want to see them.
don't want to see you.
because at my most hurtful, fragile, painful moments,
delusional moments, there you are trying to make it worse.

well here you go.
you succeeded. congrats.

Friday, April 27, 2012

the thing about me is,
i mean every word i say.

the problem with people who mean what they say is
they take that people do so too.

so every joke is a dagger.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

TIME IS NOT A DOCTOR.

YOU WILL NEVER HEAL UNLESS YOU WANT TO.

prince charming.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

and that's all you will be now... a dream. because you're better in every dream than you could ever be in reality. it hurts, but that's always it isn't it? you wake up and WHAM -- you're brought back to the darned truth, and your head throbs and your heart yearns to go back, into what seemed more real to you than what real really is.

why do i even bother? seriously.
i always thought it took very little effort to, you know, just give a little darned flying fuck, but no, it takes so much i ache from it. sometimes i want to give up. sometimes i want it to never have happened. sometimes i wished either of us wouldn't have done that one little screw up that screws everything up.

here's the logic: pull a card from the middle of a house of cards and everything crumbles to the ground.

remember people, treasure your hearts, treasure it well and protect it with your every waking hour.
cus you'll never know when it'll be stolen, kept away from you, ripped into bits and then returned... returned dead.

i'll never sleep again.

diabetes

2nd year anniversary

so sweet i have diabetes now.

Friday, April 20, 2012

read this:

TGIF! =D

pretty girl

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Probably one of the most intense love of my life.

I'd cry for weeks if she died.

That's piqy. My beloved baby sister.

Had her since 4 years ago, when she was a tiny little kitten,

and from then could never ever ever survive a night without her.

She's my confidante, my psychologist, my silent best friend, my everything.

The way she waits by the door when i come home,

she way she begs to sleep on my arm in the night when it's cold,

the way she follows me everywhere i go...

She's like a loyal, quiet, clean, little furry dog.

Cept she's a cat.

One night, I was crying, and tried to sleep. She came up to me and licked my face then proceeded to curl up and sleep on me. I won't forget that night.

Another I'll always remember was when i had my wisdom tooth removed. God it was painful. I lay down in bed in the most painful pain ever(refused to take painkillers), and there she was climbing onto my chest, purring loudly trying to comfort me while everyone else just ignored me.

She's quiet, she hardly makes a sound, so she's never a bugger.

She's almost too good to be true.

However it's sad for her.

Most of the times nobody's at home and she's left alone.

She's not allowed out so she'll never have friends.

Her lovers are my family, and we don't understand her...

I just pray she's happy with us.

first day of school

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

school; year 3 sem 1 week 1 day 1

last check for hair!

Last check for face!

Last check for any weird armpit hair!

Last check for teeth!

and best asset...

last check for smile!

ok good to go!

*phew*

p.s. to my bf: i love you

2 years!

Monday, April 16, 2012

yaye he's here =)

wheep wheep wheep

was one helluva day.

will re-update tonight.

//edited

it was a horrible day. i felt icky sicky and bored and alone. absolutely nobody to talk to at all. on top of that he was busy and couldn't accompany me, and texts were sparse too. i felt horrible throughout, wanting to do so many things yet unable to move my bloody ass off the bed. Stared at the comp till it probably know every flaw of every nook and cranny of my sour face.

The night crawled in.

As usual, i simply had to go for a run, dangerously, since i've yet had any proper food stuffed into my already stuffed-ish body (mom calls me anorexic, i think she doesn't know how fat i am... moms). Then i decided to have an early night after the run, so i got into sleep gear (tank, shorts. nothing else). But then he called me... and then my doorbell rang.

HE WAS HERE
IN THE FLESH
WITHOUT ME KNOWING
PLANNED EARLIER WITH MY MUM AND BROTHER

my face was probably something like

because i was so... ugly.
not say i am glossy and shiny and perfect and beautiful otherwise , just at that damned moment i was an unruly mess. well anyway i quickly put on a bra (lol) and proceeded to welcome my surprise guest. He bought food, so we ate too. (again)

Went downstairs, had a talk...

The shit of the day disappeared.
he's officially my lifesaver.

thank you for loving me.

Happy Official 2nd Anniversary

thank god its friday

Friday, April 13, 2012

school is starting next week!

last few days to laze around.

xoxo

Thursday, April 12, 2012

i promise you, i will learn from my mistakes

A letter to Dee

Have you heard? Or tried to understand?
Its alright, it got easier with time.
How are you? Are you ever coming back?
I've changed, and i realized, i was wrong.
But now i'll never see your face anymore
I'll give anything for one more day with you.

=((

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Why put a new address

On the same old loneliness?

When breathing just passes the time

Until we all just get old and die

Now talking's just a waste of breath

And living's just a waste of death

But we still put that new address

On the same old loneliness

So now it's just you and me

And me and you

Until we've got nothing left

Monday, April 09, 2012

I can’t believe what you said to me
The last night we were alone
In your tight jeans with your long hair            
And your cigarette stained lies
Could we fix you if you broke?
And is your punch line just a joke?

And I know that it’s complicated
But I’m a loser in love so
Raise a glass to mend
All the broken hearts
Of all my wrecked up friends

Sunday, April 08, 2012

far away

long ago

glowing dim as an amber

things my heart

used to know

once upon of december

forever insecure

am i fat?

if there's one thing that'll kill me, it is the talk of weight. forever and ever i will always insist that i am bigger than everybody, unless the person is really morbidly obese. anyone who's normal, i am bigger for sure. shorter, yes, bigger, always. everyone is tall and slim in my eyes. i, however, am a huge bulk. sometimes i feel i never even did lose any weight. the highest i've hit was 68 kilos, at a mere height of 155 cm.

And I still feel that fat and that short.

No words can comfort me. This is an insecurity i myself know of, but just can't change. Years of binge and purge cycles, tiresome exercises, starving days, and i still am that short, fat kid. Don't show me the scale. I'm well and way below 50 kilos, and i've grown to about 1.61, i know, but in my heart, deep down, buried in there, i'll always be that fat kid.

I hate when people remind me.

Or when people tease me about my past. Like calling me fatty now, even though i know i'm normal. Well, i'm not entirely sure about that. I'm normal-fat. Maybe. Or not. I'm always fat. Well anyway, there's no good in calling me any fat names now. Don't you think i've been teased enough in the past? Must you really re-open a healing wound? What a cruel creature you are. Inside i'm just praying you'll die tragically. I'll fucking laugh at your bloody funeral.

But i try sucking it in (literally). I hate how obsessive i am. After a good meal i'll run extra. On normal days i'll run a minimum of 6 kms. And sometimes i feel even that's not enough. I don't know if its help i need, or help people need. They insist I am fine. I insist otherwise.

I try to help myself, really. I look at old pictures often to convince myself that i used to be a big ball of butter. But i can't get over it. I think i still am.

I try to build muscles. So at least it's muscle bulk and less of fat bulk. But now, i don't want muscles even. I just want to disappear. Or at least have an ounce of confidence back. I'm afraid of the scale. Afraid i gained weight. Afraid i lost weight. Afraid i remained the same...

saddiction

i miss them.

i miss them so much idc about anyone else but them right now.

OH GOD, WHY, WHYYYYYYY

=(

My love my life

Friday, April 06, 2012

In love with this person more and more each day. Less fights, more love. Support, love and concern. He's perfect right now. And i feel perfect too. Because he seals my inperfections. I feel useful now because i have extra cash (thank you God)

At riverwalk now. Happy cheap thrills. With him and a roudy funny crowd. Beautiful feeling :)

cologne and perfumes

I LOVE PERFUMES. My mother collects perfumes so i usually know what perfume you're wearing, but usually i'll only know if it's those high-end ones as mom insists that it lasts longer.

My favouritest perfumes would be:

Eclat by Lanvin, but 100ml costs over a hundred at local stores !

wild summer by Guess

Euphoria by Calvin Klein

In love again by Yves Saint Laurent, which is also super expensive

and lastly

No.5 by Chanel, the expensivest of all.

THANKFULLY, i have all of the above perfumes ready in my room! They're the ones i spray most often, except for the Chanel as it's a gift and i love it soooo much im afraid to use it unless it's a huge special occasion.

Anyway, here's some tips for perfume:

1) Pick a scent that suits your outfit. If you're wearing something elegant, try to stay away from fruity scents as it may clash with your outfit.

2) You are not a walking bottle. Spray at your pulse points for a lasting, lingering smell. Do not overload your perfume and bathe in it! Where i usually spray is once on my left wrist, of which i will pat with my right wrist, once on my chest/neck area, and one time on each shoulder/arm area. I make sure to spray at least 30cm away from my body. This helps diffuse the concentration of where the perfume lands.

3) A person should only be able to smell you if he/she is sitting right beside you. If you walk past and your perfume can be smelt 5 seconds later, you're wearing too much.

4) Pick a type; Eau De Toilette is more lightly scented, and used as a skin freshener. Eau De Cologne is mild, and usually is sprayed/dabbed on skin under clothes. On the other hand, Eau De parfum is highest in concentration, with a high percentage of scented oils.

5) The same perfume may smell different on different bodies.

SO now you know!

Thursday, April 05, 2012

old pictures, new regrets

random fact: i dont dye my hair. really. all i dye is black but it'll fade off to rust again.

and honestly, i dont like this hair colour. so typical and tacky. you'll never find black roots on my head. i want long black dark mysterious hair. failmax.

we are all ghosts

no lines, no shadows

so bored i can die

//this is duckface// disfigured tongue// MY TONGUE IS FUNNY//best friend forever