“All that I am, or hope to be”

June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 April 2013 May 2013 November 2013 December 2013 February 2014 May 2014 June 2014









the distant, non-expressive, almost blurr look i give when i'm hiding the truth
you gotta learn how to catch that.





"She was Grace, in name and in essence. To those she loved, she exuded strength, life, laughter and light, and to me, also sorrow, for circumstance that had bound her to my best friend through whom we met in the warmth and cerenity of her home. Nothing from the first day I saw her and no one that has happened to me since, has ever been as frightening and and as confusing. For no person I've ever known has ever done more to make me feel more sure, more insecure, more important and less significant."

heartache to heartache


tears to tears


we're gonna make it through.
i promise.

today with a sordid measuring tape, scales and height measurer.

im 161 cm tall.
i weigh 44.5 kg.
My body consists of 19.6% fat (that is~ 9kg of fat.)
Muscle mass is 73.4%, 38.8% is bulk muscle, the rest skeletal muscle and organs.
My measurements are 34.2-23.8-36 (bust, waist, hips) I AM HUGE. MY ASS IS HUGEEEE ergh.
My visceral fat measures at ONE (woohoo something to be proud of, cus technically inside of me has almost no fat. like in the organs? in the arteries etc. although the best is 2 layers.... 1 layer is like baby's. which explains my low temperature and frequent coldness. visceral fat may be high even if you ARE skinny, so get checked.)

overall..
i think its best i drop a little more of body fat and weight,
and decrease my bust-waist-hips to like 32-22-34 or something.
mehhh

on top of all that crap i said,

i also want to be successful. i wanna have meaning.
i wanna be something useful to someone, i wanna pay back my mum and dad with what they gave.
i want to be someone my kids would look up to.
a great job, a great mother. pretty, strong, successful. healthy. fit.
a great artist, a great cook, a singer, a role model, a breadwinner, someone anyone can talk to....
but i am nothing.

abso-fucking-lutely nothing.

despite the eating disorders, excessive exercise and cigarettes as meal replacements

i am still a fatty.









i just died a little inside.

where did i go wrong, i lost a friend.





"we're through" - forever going to echo in my head.

the one that slipped away

remember this?







END is not the END. It means "EFFORT NEVER DIES".


 If you get NO as an answer, remember N. O. means "NEXT 


OPPORTUNITY"

"nevermind, i'll find someone like you.


sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.
nothing compares, no worries no cares
regrets and mistakes they're memories made"

thats three guys in a row.... shit, i really do need to find someone really worthy.

Finally, got home at 11.

Have removed the covers and dumped them into the washing machine.
So in need of fresh clean sheets
Took a huge black plastic bag and dumped all the necessary memories inside.
Ready to be thrown out.
The frame of photos, the little bits and details.
Movie tickets, stashes of memories. Universal studios, genting highlands.
All in that bag now. I dumped it under my bed, planning to throw it out,
earlier in the morning. I don't need the world to know,
don't need my family to know my heart was broken.

Again.

But what's new. Loads of shit happens to me.
Mostly all at once.

Strange to think how the simplest thing in life could kill me. - breathing.
Strange to think my life is dependable, on a couple of pills.
To aid me. And without it, i'll probably choke on my own blood.
And die.

But that doesn't sound too bad.
Living with it is even worse.
Sometimes i dare myself to not take my pills.
I'd eventually end up in the hospital.

People need courage to jump off a building or drown in a lake or something.
For me its simple. Just don't take the pills. And taadaaah!
But i'm not so stupid. Of course i want to live.

I will be strong. I AM strong.
I'll be fine. I'll get back to everyone i've missed out on.
i"ll achieve my goals, find a good man.
I'll marry him and have kids. We'll both be practical, and share the same interests.
We'd both probably be in the same field, so he'd understand me focuses and troubles.
Guiding each other up and through.
I know i can be successfull.
I know i have the potential. I am smart, i used to be gifted as a child.
I can get back there. It'll take time and effort, but it's for my own good.
I'll be well accomplished. I know it.

So anyway.
Will be throwing out the trash later.
Goodbye past, hello tomorrow =)