“All that I am, or hope to be”

June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 April 2013 May 2013 November 2013 December 2013 February 2014 May 2014 June 2014

white.

blanc.

pure.

then, vermillion.

ALTHOUGH HE LOOKS LIKE A MATREP



he is a matrep ;)









remind me again why im so down all the time?
my boyfriend's great!
he does things other people probably wouldn't.
and he tries. hard. to please me.
what is it that isn't enough.
he gives warmth in the rain (unless he's cold)
attempts to pay for everything (its me who says no)
set up plans for me and do all he can to make it work (until i ruin it...)

i should smile, wide.
i've got the best.
or, maybe i made him into the best.
i think before all this, he wasn't quite like this
i somehow managed to manipulate and change him,
to the extent that he probably would pass for a best-boyfriend-award.
i should stop being so afraid and insecure.
i should stop expecting all to be in place.
in fact, i think it's time i change now. let loose a little.
breathe in some air.

just, dont screw things up.
BOTH of us. please.











































doing all i can to distance myself from probably the only person i am supposed to love.
giving every tiny effort to let go, and not give a shit.
i want to see how i live without him. it's pretty normal so far.
i guess the difference isn't that stark.

until i remember the images.
the carefree, happy moments.
the sniffling he makes in the middle of the night.

but those things are easy to forget.
i can forget them.
i don't want to control anything or anyone but myself.
i dont want anyone to feel this but myself.

Farhad was really sweet.
He promised to accompany me anytime i  need.
But i feel bad. He has a girlfriend.
I don't want him to be there for anyone else but her.

Lotsa people are trying to be really nice.
I know they're just trying to help.
But i always feel bad asking for their help.
I don't feel i deserve it.

let's take a breath, jump over the side.

another teary night, tomorrow's gonna be another tired morning. i'm down in the pits yet i refuse to admit it to anyone at all. i'm isolating myself in my room so nobody would see, just like how im isolating these crazy feelings inside so nobody would know. i feel i should win some emmy award or something for best actress ever. i can't believe it. but here's my let-go. laughing seemed so natural yet feels so hollow. i flash that fake gummy smile of mine so many times, yet nobody ever noticed the fakeness in it. i must be doing really well. kudos to myself. well at least thats something to be happy about. im practically impenetrable. i dont know why though. why i decide that this is what id like it to be. why i chose to commit to something that practically kills me inside. why i refuse to let go. what made me like this? why do i even bother? i used to not care at all. bitch under all the innocent covers. why am i not that anymore? why do i choose to be alone and nice and kind and honest and enduring when i can just rip everything off and be comfortable? why, when everyone just seems so cruel and misleading and judgmental and up to some sort of plan to bring each other down? from my eyes, from where i am, everyone just looks like a liar. hypocrites. down with some bullshit pityface, with a devious plan at the back of their minds. this is why i dont trust. people lie. they say they'll always be there for you, that they know how you feel and that they love you. the fact is they don't at all. and i have a real life example in hand. the moment you start caring they call you controlling. the moment you stop caring they call you ignorant. you worry, they tell you you're paranoid. you love, they tell you you're clingy. so what now? do nothing. exactly what i'm gonna do now. nevermind the sour face and teary eyes. nobody sees it anyway. nobodys gonna realize. so heck, i'll see how long i can last with this. i know it wont be forever. but why stop now? if you're gonna smash it, smash it all. don't smash halfway. there's no undo-ing anyway. i'm so used to being disappointed and hurt and dissed and promised to, that i dont mind more. i dont mind another heartbreak. no, wait. i do mind. but i'll just see how strong i've become. they say a bad breakup makes you stronger. no, theyre wrong. it's a bad relationship you're stuck in that never seems to change that makes you stronger. you learn to love with a heart of steel. until you can't love anymore. but for now....



people say, friends make up your backbone.
they support you, they save you, they listen to you
they're the ones through all the times,
the ups, the downs, the goods, the bads.

but thats not true.
after a series of never ever being alone,
through primary and secondary school where ive always
had somebody by my side, or vice versa,
like batman and robin, i have finally reached the point
of total independence.
I have absolutely nobody by my side,
absolutely alone.

so right now, im my own backbone.
im my own pillar of support, and my own
listening ear.
my own back up and my own influence.

and no, having a boyfriend doesnt change that.
two different worlds.

i can't connect to him, the way i could
with the best friends i used to have.
i dont laugh with him like i did with them.
didnt cry with him like i did with them.
didnt share much, didnt talk much.

but its not his fault.
he tried.

sometimes i wish so much to go back in time.
i would never have left my friends.
would never have parted.
its inevitable though.

we all move on.
together.
in seperate ways.

i miss it all.

What if there was no lie.
Nothing wrong, nothing right.
What if there was no time?
And no reason or rhyme?
What if I got it wrong?
And no poem or song..
Could put right what I got wrong
Every step that you take
Could be your biggest mistake
It could bend or it could break
But that's the risk that you take
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side,
That you don't want me there in your life?

what if i got it wrong?



her ribbons out of tune