All that i am, or hope to be

“All that I am, or hope to be”

Thursday, July 28, 2011

weakling.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

SUCK THUMB

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

i talk too much. what happened to let it be and go with the flow,rynn? i think of the good things he did to/for me, and i feel so bad for ever being pissed or mad at him. but then what should i do? in the end it strikes back at me. like a bounce back effect. i hate this.
but it's a lesson learnt. i hate myself for saying all those things, i feel like an unappreciative idiot.

thinking of it now,
well i can't exactly expect you to be perfect right!? what was i thinking. dreamt too much of prince charming. prince charming doesn't exist, he's perfect. nobody here is. so again, what was i thinking? no, i was thinking right. you WERE prince charming. you were. you were perfect. but it was only for a while. i want that moment back. i'm guilty for wanting it all, but i bet you didnt spill a drop of blood ~~trying~~ to be perfect did you? i doubt so. its a raging debate inside, to accept or to correct.

guilt+anger+desire+confusion+emptiness+guiltguiltguilt

2nd july: SURPRISE!

Family

my BIG little brother

ladies

gents

ISRAFIL my younger male twin [inserts many hearts]

last but not least, boyfriend

hahah potential?

the birthday surprise my boyfriend planned with my family.

....my boyfriend's idea.

boyfriend.

sigh, sometimes.....

Saturday, July 16, 2011

gritted teeth.

i so need to let new people in.
i need zac back, need farel back.
need to welcome other people in my life.
or, welcome people i've been avoiding back in.

i knew this day would come again.
days i'm in need and the one person who should help; can't.
isn't it the norm now?
he's never there when i really need someone.
he's a lover, not a friend.
i want a lover who is also a friend.
there when in need.

can't help feeling the change.
sometimes i wish i didnt have a boyfriend.
too early, i'm expecting too much.
i need a whole array of friends, all of which can be there.
decisions, decisions.

sigh.
black. paint it all black.

i dont love you as much as i loved you before,
i wish i hadnt even started cus it's so hard to tell you,
so hard to let you know i just dont feel the same.
you changed, and the change disgusts me.
it makes me feel so used. you used to run after me,
hovering over me to make sure i'm fine.
now you're just pushing me everywhere, making me wait,
making nothing feel special anymore.
it's just another day, another time,
another boring afternoon with nothing to do

ZOMG. =( want.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

sometimes i wish i had someone else to talk to
so when youre busy i won't have to disturb you
but then again it's entirely my fault.

i chose not to.

but choosing so will deem unfaithful to you im sure.

stress.

Monday, July 11, 2011

hahahahh

WANT

im losing interest,
just cant be bothered anymore,
got awesomer things coming my way,
dont need you to ruin anything.

so... yeah
"WHATEVER".

Saturday, July 09, 2011

Just uploaded new set of clothes for my dying online blogshop.

I just can't be bothered to put more, can't be bothered to ask someone to take pictures of me trying to look my best in clothes i've only bought due to me being so impulsive.

Anyway, yesterday was great. One of the greatest fridays i've had,

because i finally got to meet THK!(tahukering)

It's been two years since we've met, and thank god nobody was weird or awkward it was just great. And the best part is my boyfriend came along too, making it more complete.

Before all that happened we finally got our time together,

gosh what i'd do to lie in his arms again.

After THK meeting was over, we went to stuart's,

had a nice drinking session. We drank absolut vodka, ginger-apple or something, it was limited ed but it was goddamn awesome. It tasted like banana. The aftertaste wasn't harsh too, i used to hate vodka because of the overwhelming aftertaste. Beerlover Stuart said it's even nicer than beer. And me, well, i must admit my unfaithfulness to whiskey, because between whiskey and what we drank last night... I'll just ditch the whiskey.

We laughed a lot, exerting lotsa sixpack force.

I had a truly wonderful time with my boyfriend.

He's wonderful, really.

I haven't blogged about my birthday, so here's some blogging about it.

I woke up early on 2nd july, afraid as hell any traumatizing incident would occur, but no, we went to USS!

It was really sunny, but we did enjoy ourselves. We didn't have much time though, because he had some thing even better planned for me. Most of the time in USS was spent qeuing, it being on a saturday...

Anyway, afterwards he brought me to pasir ris park, blindfolded me with a tissue on his palm, and led me to the surprise.

I swear i did not expect to see my whole family (and i mean everyone, except for three of my cousins cus theyre just selfish and dont give a fuck anymore) in the room.

The moment i opened my eyes, party poppers and those party sprays and streamers were all over me.

Touched, yes.

And even more touched because my boyfriend put the effort into making all that happen by communicating with my mother.

i was smeared with butter and soaked with water.

thanks, thanks.

Had a good time despite lack of sleep.

It was perfect, the gifts were perfect, the effort was perfect...

I don't know how to thank him. He did everything to make sure nothing sucks this year. That everything will be perfect, that i'll stop being afraid of birthdays. And that's the best gift ever. Someone who cares that much.

i'm gonna marry him.

Monday, July 04, 2011

what do i owe you?

you KNOW i have noone else to turn to.
you just had to poke more agitation.

i know you gave a lot, i know you sacrificed a lot.
but what do you want? for me to accept all bullshits and fuckiness? from you?
making me happy isnt a trade for smiling through all the shit.

you know i have trust issues and i cant possibly tell anyone. well, thats my problem i guess.
but why did you have to?

you just had to.
make me sob, make me mad, make me annoyed.
i dont need all these.

square one.

BACK TO OWN SELF.