“All that I am, or hope to be”

June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 April 2013 May 2013 November 2013 December 2013 February 2014 May 2014 June 2014

wouldnt it be nice,

if you could just curl up right now after sipping some hot chocolate, in your bed, with a beloved person on one side, warm, soft blanket, and a cottony-soft furry cat on the other side?
With the pitter-patter of rain.

so, so comforting.

i miss sleepovers =(

In life, in the natural way humans behave,
there's just a tinge of obsession on one thing or another.
Say, a girl may be a die-hard-obsessive fan of some soccer star.
Like Agger or something. Or, a guy may obsess over car spare parts.
Just a silent obsession, that unrealized kind.

I wonder, when i look at the sea of faces all talking, laughing, just what they're thinking, what they're feeling, what's their obsession.

But minimize that, and focus. Why care about that sea of strangers when there's so much more to learn about the one closest to yourself? And you yourself.

My obsession? Well. I don't know, i'm a health junkie.
HEALTH junkie, not a junkie.
Maybe not.
And as long as it's an obsession, it is wrong. It is so very wrong. It can turn your life around, it can turn INTO your life. It's a worry-able thing. I really want to know the obsessions of people.
Hmm.









i wonder if he ever wonders why i stay.






how many times do you have to hurt me?
what is it, your hobby now?

angela is sleeping, stuart and ju smoking, mao on his phone games, me here doing this nothingness hoho screwed






gonna meet hafiz.
oh the irony.

so fuckin tired i can die.

i knew it was all an illusion. what i thought i saw, was so different than what it truly was.
tell them how you succeeded in bringing me here. how i was stupid twice in a row,
how you fooled me into believing your every word till i could believe nothing more,
how i thought things will change and how you promised,
how convincing you were to change my mind. doesnt it make you feel special that
amongst all the other people in the world YOU made it.
you made it, won the title! big congratu-fucking-lations!

seriously? i've got to start listening to people when they say to be careful when it comes to love.



should i be happy now?
one hell of a sleepless night, swollen eyes.
When zac said he'll send me to school at 7 i quickly rushed getting ready.
Fifteen minutes. That's how long he took. It felt like 15 years.
I think i should start appreciating him more.
He's really like superman. SO i guess i'm happy because somebody came to greet me in the morning. And that for once, my parents were concerned about my eyes.

On the other hand, i'm just not looking forward to anything anymore.
Except perhaps getting pissed drunk on friday, regardless of where or with who.
I'm sure derick will be happy to drink-date me.

Life has officially made its inveterate standstill.
I need new everything. I want to migrate. If this time dad has the opportunity,
i won't oppose anymore. The wonders of everything here has finally ended.
Nothing to do, noone to see. Basicly nothing excites anymore.

You're a dreamer. You have big ambitions, you were gonna do so many things. You were gonna swoon me, you were gonna take care of me, you're gonna marry me, gonna live with me, die with me. But that's all it is. You're just a dreamer, everything remains as a 'gonna'. What the hell, i can do that too.

I'm gonna be a doctor, i'm gonna be rich, i'm gonna have kids, i'm gonna marry you, i'm gonna recover, i'm gonna stop drinking stop smoking, i'm gonna be bright sunshiney glowing happy! But wait, im only GOING TO be and do all that, but i won't.
Won't, wouldn't didn't, couldn't, can't.
That sums you up.
CAN'T being your best excuse.

On a lighter note, i have a date with the DM today. Sounds like fun.

aRaB says:
do u know what the under rated statements about gypsies is?
oh sorry...
good morning...

aRaB just sent you a nudge.

RynnReochque says:
hello.
gypsies?
goodmorning =D
aRaB says:
u know gypsies are rite?
they are a race of people...
extinct
Hitler wiped them out
they were magicians, dancers, stunt masters, basically the originators of circus
RynnReochque says:
yesyes i know
hahah. what about them?
aRaB says:
k, the understated legend abt them is...
their smiles hypnotise people...
in a good way dat is
RynnReochque says:
haahaha okay so what surprise is this gonna lead to?
hahahah
aRaB says:
do u have gypsy blood in u?
RynnReochque says:
hhahahahah!

then later...



RynnReochque says:
i dont think i look very turkish in the first place
im a mix of chinese too, and portugese, and malay
so im far from original
aRaB says:
u dont look asian dats for sure
RynnReochque says:
i dont?

this is either creepy, or scary.

I hate porn because it gives people a very unrealistic approach to what sex is supposed to be. It's fake and it is raw and has no touch of sensitivity, or any kind of emotional attachment to the actions. It makes you think that sex is supposed to be like that, wild and crazy and... fake. So what, do you have to sound like that unrealistic siren when you're doing it? It's unreal. It looks unreal. It feels unreal. It's so disgusting that hearing about it, or knowing someone sees it automatically turns me off and makes me feel like i should distance myself from said person. It's like now i know what exactly they're thinking of when they're "making love". They're thinking of some slut they saw on screen, or some girl they like doing the thing the slut on screen did. Mad disgusting. Gotta lay off the thoughts, this will haunt me forever. I even feel like i should totally stop even kissing because well, these thoughts are haunting me. My gawd. Someone help.

My appetite has gone down the drain, thanks for talking about porn to me *****.

And. i got hit by a car today, but all is well.

wee hours in the morning, and all that's in my mind is a curdle of fear.
i need a hug, some sort of comfort, a freezing glass of something strong, and a solution.
most importantly, a solution.

this is going to be a knot in my stomach.

i don't know what to do or who to turn to anymore. everyone just seems so...
far away. distanced in terms of minds. why state the obvious?
i am not stupid enough to have not thought of that.

"special" makes me feel so cynical about myself.
If i am, or were, then how come i'm just like anyone else?
Sometimes even one step lower. Or even more.
I've been like, seeking for something that will just, bring me up.
I thought it was him, then another, then you.
But i'm still devastatingly low.
I've been more or less quiet about everything.
When i do complain, the comfort given is just..
obvious. I do have a brain. A very smart one i'm sure,
and this thinking thing, is my thing. Thinking, remembering,
pondering, wondering. That takes up at least half my day.
Every word anyone says wraps around my mind,
and stays there till i can peel off every meaning in it.
Sometimes with good outcomes.
Sometimes with bad.
And i won't stop because it's me. Unless i'm high.
I wonder if anyone knows what i'm actually looking for.
Why people with excellence in life are still ONLY friends.
Why i didn't pick them, since i'd be showered with anything possible.
Anything and everything, except for what i truly want.
And i thought i could find it in you.
Still searching.
Because i don't really give a fuck care about the physical things.
And i try to see it, i even try to produce it in myself,
so you'd return it.
But i can't mold or shape you, and it's not up to me,
to make you figure it out.
I wonder if anyone wonders what is ever always wrong with me.
Was it the past that made me this, today?
Or is it the scares from the future?
Or the pretending present that lurks between past and future.
If only i was simpler.



i like sports people with various muscles that are of relevant size, not too bulky, not too skinny, guys or girls mmmm so appealing

a beautiful morning it is.
cool, windy, sunny.
perfect for a 12 clicker.
whoosh. now to rehydrate,
renourish, and then curl up and
hibernate.

its not that i hate you.
just that, well, maybe if you were on fire,
and i had water,
i'd drink the water.








RynnReochque says:
maddy muke takmo ronyok mcm baju zac,
mahal but tak lawa heheheh -_-
Mads says:
Baju die ade stain chilli sauce smalam sia
so sexy
RynnReochque says:
sexy mcm i
Mads says:
Aah u kan hot mcm chilli sos
dalah. i tak mandi 6 hari i nak mandi.
u talk to zac.

WTF MADDY. 6 DAYS!?

well, the least we can do is make all shit and problems more interesting.
so we'd actually enjoy problemizing.

we are like parallel lines.
always moving together, but will never ever be connected.

so tired i'm gonna break.






i'll find someone someday dedicated enough to leave the world behind and fly with me alone.



yest was awesome.
the waterfall roadtrip was awesome.
genting was awesome.
the past is becoming more and more awesome,
by the looks of what is happening now.
fly back?

stuart, sorry.

i want to fly back to the care-free times.
when was that?
when we drank almost everyday.
and nobody would stop us. like we dont have to think.
it was difficult to be sad then, now one glitch
and down the drain it goes.