“All that I am, or hope to be”

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hahah you used to be muscular.

i cant. believe. we. did that. yesterday.
nono, not that.
well, many tears were shed.

well, things will be better now onwards.
today with love was great.
=)

im nervous for tomorrow though, i hope he wont be too bad....

"It's always us girls who's always trying to salvage our relationships. All that the boys ever do is hurt us, lie to us, give lame reasons to cover up their shit, give empty promises, neglect us, prioritize friends, nag at us, hurl vulgarities at us and always, ALWAYS leaving matters hanging" - one of my friend's facebook status, not gonna mention names.

WELL SAID, *wide grins*

but dead untrue
sometimes, we can't JUST blame the boys. and if you think he's doing all the above, and it's leaving you dead unhappy, do something! tell him, blow up, argue, fight, do it. don't just sit there and expect a miracle to happen, see thats the thing you girls do, you wait for miracles to happen when you simply KNOW they wont. And, let's not stereotype the men. Not all of them are THAT useless, cus like, you know, in the end you still love them. Deep down, all you want is their devoted attention. Tell them, i know you want them to guess about it but they aren't psychics(obviously, judging from their.. ignorance?) so tell them. say it harsh and vulgar, say it soft and polite, (personally harsh and vulgar gets it drilled) but make sure you say it. You have nothing to lose. So girls out there, dont expect perfection, you have to create it yourself. Like. Mold things to perfection, work on it. And at other times, look at yourselves. Your PMS-es, demands and expectations... let's hover off that a little bit. If it hurts, when they just ignore you and stuff, do something distracting or something that will make them NOT ignore you. ;D and for the boys, use your heads, you have two of them.

if youre happy and you know it, overdose.

last night, awesome, got fucking wasted!
i remember at least four different fingers inside my mouth to encourage puking. they all dig my mouth like its some pussy sia. It was shaz first, then derick, then juliana then winston and i dont know who else because i couldnt really see. i remember quite the most of the night actually, just most of the time my eyes are shut cus its nauseating to see the dancing lights. but its a nice kind of pain. so real. winston and shaz, mostly, thanks both of you, you guys went everywhere with me. even the girls toilet. then juliana and derick, who joined them later on, kissing my head here and there, all telling me its okay while i cried after puking at the sink. why did i cry? hahah. they should know. they're all nice, pulling up my tank which like drops a lot exposing things. all of them kept doing that thank god theyre not pervs.
laid down on shaz's lap while more of shaz's malay friends came, and some random couple giving me Axe oil to breathe in and some candy which made me puke more. I drank like, four plastic cups, is that really a lot? well maybe on an empty stomach and an empty heart and empty head it is. shaz then just rubbed my arm and back while winston played? with my hair and both of them were talking but to me it sounded so loud and i kept crying and derick was like squeezing my face to tell him everything and juliana was like all over hugging me and telling me its ok, winston too, and well i think it turns out good now. all of them took good care of me. shaz then sent me home and i have his sweater right now.

hehee, it smells of whiskey.

what happened to wanting to spend every second with each other?
i'd tell you what happened

it stopped.
because im now less than you.

well like they say

never fight out of fear
but never fear what you fight.

I feel restless a lot. I feel restless but I can't do anything. I just feel like I'm moving very fast but I can't even keep up with myself and I feel frozen and tired at the same time. I think of things to do then I forget them suddenly. Or, I think of things to do but I just can't motivate myself to do them. I feel like I'm doing 10,000 things but really I do nothing. It is confusing, even for me. Like I said, I feel frozen and racing at the same time.




loving you is like falling off a cliff.

too low to talk about it.
but hey, im a pretty good actress.
them swollen eyes are cus im sleepy.
yep, so so sleepy.

GDLUCK ME FOR UT




because there's zero comfort from anything real.
because it's hard to talk to just anyone.
because i don't want to depend on anyone.

so here comes a new high.

insecure.


fling.

i am tired.
i want to text my boyfriend but i dont want to bug him.

i met someone (an old friend) i dont really like today.
no, i really don't like him. we used to be close and he used to be nice.
now, he's so fucking full of himself, i bet he thinks he's the coolest shit.
wrong. dude, you're not even halfway hot, so stop.
and okay, so you smoke, drink, just made a tattoo and is making more,
and you still can say you're holy and you pray? where's your morals? you made your own laws?
come on. why do you pray in the first place, when your attitude is pure shit?
sure, that's between you and god. but you know the rules. you went against all of it.
and still have the balls to try give advice? go to hell, your advice is
"i dont like your bf, break up, haha you got no life" fuck you. fuck fuck fuck you.
what makes you think you're so great? you're ugly inside. and out.
don't come find me when you have no other friends to smoke with.
i hate you insulting me, my friends, my relationship with my boyfriend,
and i hate you. you talk too much, it'll be nice if you'd just shut up and disappear.

i'm tired, i shall sleep soon.

even though they annoy the hell out of me,
even though they make me so angry and bitter when they misunderstand me,
when they overprotect me,

i still love mum and dad.
but i love them together.

=(






his love is the one thing that gives me hope.

and she cradled my head and twirled her finger round my hair.
with her softest tone she talks to me.
i couldn't sleep, holding back the forming tears.
then she left, and the air got thick, i couldnt breathe,

come home soon, mum.
please.
=(

OH and for the record, i had a great time with boyfriend
(even thogh he was asleep while i was freezing cold to the point i couldnt breathe and almost died)
we had the night since 9 plus on sat all the way to sunday afternoon.

awesome except

i didnt get my yogurt.

i daaamn bastard

what happened to tgif?
everyday is fucking friday la!

cus now theres nothing to look forward to on fridays.
or saturdays.
or sundays.
or every other day ok bye

prepare for three crazy nights in a row,
prepare for more more more heartaches
prepare for resistance against drinking,
prepare for brokeness to cigarettes,
prepare for war at home,
prepare for hardcore training for marathon,
prepare for patience,
prepare for ....
i want hard liquor.

random things:
i miss my cousins.
byebye farel.
harmony with boyfriend.
i have a family (im the mum?!) in school.
my boyfriend insists i lack nutrition.
i insist i need yogurt right now.
zac had an accident, minor injuries.
dee says she thinks she's pegnant..AGAIN.
mardee needs a lot of exercise.
headache since last night.
dying to shop.
i've been running icessantly daily regardless of energy levels.
i think im addicted.
i smoked way too much (so much for stopping)
boyfriend's wisdom tooth's going to be extracted with local anesthetics on 29 and 6th!
im like zomg.
craving yogurt. did i mention that?

eh, BOYFRIEND AH, I WANT WATCH HARRY POTTER AND I WANT YOGURT.
=)
rynn so demanding.

My kids (friends lah) can't live without me
I feel so motherly HAHAH they're begging me to come

Tsk. Friday uhs.

Tomorrow my bf's gonna get his wisdoms out.
OH.MY.GAWD,
its bound to hurt.

He's gonna be drugged, and alone,
so i am going to accompany him.

I'll make sure he'll have a stock of soft foods.
He'd want to sleep like mad, cus it simply hurts so bad.
Well, i should know.

Except mine was worse because my tooth was still in the gum and pulling it out equals to slicing open my gum, then using a drill on the tooth to create holes, use a plier-ish hook to pull it out, then sewing up my open gum of which the dentist actually took a mirror to let me SEE my jawbone. Sewn, then the dentist's assistant cut the extra thread, of which there was a lot of extras and the dentist said i had a WHISKER in my mouth. After that, i went for a lung-suck, and it was a horrible day and i was in so much pain. couldn't eat for a day, had to survive on yogurt and porridge and other mushy stuff for a week, couldnt smoke... i have three more teeth to pull out.

well, before it grows i better pull it out.

i hope my boyfrien wouldnt go through the same thing.
i'd be as worried as a mother.
(i notice that i act very motherly a lot. =/ )

its officially a year we've known each other now. and its like, i know him so well, every word he's about to say, is at the tip of my fingers. sometimes, things can be unpredictable, sometimes they hurt and we both drench ourselves in the sourness of the situation, me trying to run away, you trying to stop me. but know this, as far as i can run, i'll run two times the distance back to you. The past year hasn't been perfect, but it was simply wonderful. The day we met is still in my head, its like just yesterday, and to think we spent a night together (dont think wrongly ;D) on the first night we met. We spent every other night then talking on the phone, talking about every other possible detail, there was never a time where there's truly nothing to say. I wasn't certain about you as time progressed, i didnt know if i should trust you, if i should love you, i've been traumatised to death. But you proved to me that i could, your sincerity, your honesty, your little efforts. It touches me that someone would go such measures just for me, without asking for anything in return. I am glad i found you, you're my strength, my teacher, my best friend, my lover, all in one. I know I am corrupted at times, but you've always accepted every flaw i have. Think of how both of us have changed this one year. I've really learnt a lot from being with you. It took a lot of patience mostly, but there's so much more. We're truly connected aren't we? We fall sick together, we hurt together, we can laugh at something without saying it, we can meet and do absolutely nothing and we wouldnt get a tiny bit bored. I dont really ask for gifts, but you've given me a lot and i can just display it all on my bed, but there wouldn't be enough space. Seriously, there's a lot but you don't see, all the little little things. 'Yesterday-today' was great, i had a wonderful time. Thank you for the flowers (with a note that made me almost cry cus i never thought anyone would say that to me), the notecards with the message that made me smile, the pretty (and pretty expensive im sure) bracelet you bought for me, the food and movie and boat ride we went for, and lastly all the love you gave me. Being high on you and your love is so much nicer than anything else in the world. Never loved somebody so much. Stay with me, im looking forward to the future.







too much cigarettes, alcohol and hollow laughter,
i think ive forgotten for a bit who i really am.
i need to be in touch with my inner chi.... bye

last night was...

HELL YEAH i woke up not remembering shit.
drink with friends.
THEN
with boyfriend.
crazy siao gonna die soon hahahahahahahah.
tonight, PARTYYYYYYYYYYYYYY WHOOHOO

all pics will be up soon!




he is sensible and so incredible
he says everything i need to hear and
i couldnt ask for anything better
he respects my space and
never makes me wait and
he calls whenever he said he would
he's close to my mother
talks business with my father
he's charming and endearing and
im comfortable...


i regret falling asleep last night.
i miss his voice.

my schedule today:
school, UT, training, then war.

packed day huh.
yes, indeed.

how about love?
how can all the fame, sex and money,
actually overtake love?

easy.
love causes loadsa pain.
the rest?
much, better.




the glitter, the drinks, the glimmering sunshine on our skin,
the hollow laughter, the full heat, the red cheeks,
in the end they're all nothing because i deep down,
im just finding a replacement, a harsh manner to deny,
to lie about the fact that miss you, and none of the above is ever enough,
to compensate for your absence,
so i'll keep doing it, keep drinking, keep training and sleeping,
keep starving for more,
to make it up,
to make up for the loss,
for the emptiness, and it kinda feels like shit
but it feels good too.
on a rainy day, in mid afternoon,
three shots to hide a little.

im raw, sore, aching and deep down i just want to weep forever.
and there is no way i'll ever get to tell anybody about it.
maybe if i pretend it never happened, that lie will change to a truth
and then it really will be a "never happened".
but the bruises show, and the soreness aches.