Reochque
Hi.
Rynn Reochque. Confused and always naive.
Always out of this world, engorged with endless possibilities. I am grace. I am muddled.
I am elegance. I am cluttered. I am all you can imagine.
Restricted and free. Handicapped, gifted. Broken, fixed.
Click "all that i am or hope to be" for archives.
Lovestruck, evident by the burn
Brought meaning to life.
Brought life to meanings.
So deeply in love.
from 16/04/10 - forever
And no amount of science can explain why
i think of other possibilities with other people but i cant it goes back down to him. his eyes, his nervous smile. back there. why is it sooo difficult?
yesterday was awesome! THANKS KAKNISA FOR TREATING! and for the endless walks. and the "fish hate nets". mygawd.
'7 for jngwaong"
love love you!
anyway, love's in confinement now.
he's mad busy, i bet it must suck.
not a nice way to spend a saturday, yknow?
i just pray all goes well for him
always a craving.
DAY TWO
has begun.
t minus 14 days.
Friday, July 30, 2010
blurr or what. hahah. but still. im gonna post pics one by one, post by post, despite ugliness.
oh how do i say it? as nice as possible? uhm,
~~ in your face.
never go for attached girls. and i never said i loved you.
15 COLD DAYS.
day one in the process.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
just think of the happy times....
and then maybe you'll realise how fuckedup your life has become.
you know
we
took
a lot
of pictures
yesterday.
some are
perfectly nice
whilst some
is just crappy
crappy in the sense of
lighting
quality
or even faces
theres one picture
that is super funny
it consists of
crappy lighting
quality
and face (singular form)
i am dead tempted to post it up
but because im nice...
deedeedeedee says: if you're gonna die rite wats the last ting you say to mum? RynnReochque says: thank you for giving it all as a mother? deedeedeedee says: yer daddeh? RynnReochque says: thanks for the money HAHA noluh. i'd say the same as mum only father deedeedeedee says: your brother? RynnReochque says: take care of our folks, study hard, use your brains.? deedeedeedee says: why after everything got ? oneee keh if your bf? RynnReochque says: i'd say hey, i love you. deedeedeedee says: that sounded confident o.0 LOLISM you always say that huh . i always see RynnReochque says: you always see? well, i always will. deedeedeedee says: IM POSTIN THIS UP ON MY BLOG POST IT! SO SUWEEEEET
lol dee? haha. hey i love you is so traditional i remember how it started. i remember how i first said it. it broke my nerves.
I met love yesterday! I was friggin late so i took a cab to city hall and met him at the usual place. He was from soccer, from camp before that. And there i am the one being late. Had our smokes etc then headed for the foodcourt. Bought "PORRIDGE" (truth is, it was rice soaked in hot soup. WITH BITTERGOURD IN IT) and he fed me because I was (and still am~) sick. I will always be sick. I am going to face this truth and live with it.
We went to the skypark @ MBS! $20 but at least we were at (almost) the top of this country. We beat the bloody flyer! ^^ Flyer will SO be out of business because in contrast to the flyer, you can stay up here forever and ever and you can move around and sit down and everything. It's on the 56th story, and it only takes fifteen short seconds to reach up there. Imagine if the lift broke down, wouldn't it be such trauma to run down the 56 flights of stairs? Your legs will wobble by the end of that journey.
It was drizzling, and i was (still am) sickly, but everything was awesome. Well isn't it always? Whenever i go out with him, it's always awesome. Even doing the most boring-est things will deem awesome. We walked around, snapping photos, my bloody camera failing on me because apparently the battery was uncharged despite hours and hours of charging yesterday. We (okay, he) blew and blew on the glass, to collect vapour and wrote that. Silly but sweet okay!By this time the drizzle evolved into a light rain and it was FREAKING cold. After MBS, we walked to Marina and arcaded. We were on TC3, on the third(i think) level where i got shot by a bloody missile. I watched him play, on full concentration, and took a mental picture of him. Supersuper cute.
more pics avail, but needs some editing (lighting), i just love this one most:
Thanks love for the day. I will miss you throughout your confinement (SIGH, CONFINEMENT), can't wait to see you again. I'm still endlessly sorry about Sunday, i keep having nightmares about it. So, so, terribly sorry. Ilymtaitw.
im gonna have to face this alone no matter what you say.
and you forgot to say i love you. it's the one thing i need to hear, in times like this. i need to know you do. i need all the support possible. if i don't die about this sickness, i'll prolly die of stress. sigh
...... love you too.
After i got sick of puking and mwoping around the house sobbing away, i decided to flick on the TV, and came across Penelope. The girl who had the nose of a pig due to a family curse, whom nobody could love because was just too disgusted. But then someone did love her after all. Regardless of her nose. She's a nice person, beautiful within. But that's only right, to see the beauty inside, not out. Though many deem differently. Even though such thing is just a movie, well that's how it should be. How should i put it? Even if you're pig-ugly, somebody will love you, someone will see through you. It should not matter.
Well, it doesn't to me.
I'm deeply touched by my one and only love. After everything that happened yesterday, he's still in love with me, even though the truth will eventually hurt him when it happens. I am touched because he's taking me as i am, alive or dead or whatever in between. After what i said. After making up things. I even attempted to make it his fault. But i couldn't, i still love him more than i should. It still saddens me though, i don't know what to do. I hope there will be help, some kind of help, out there in this contradictingly vast but small world. On the other hand, i'm glad he agrees to go through this with me. Though he'll see me slowly fade to nothing, well, that's kind of a challenge for us both, I hope he won't get too hurt. I'm insecure, but i feel so safe that someone out there still loves me despite this. Even if we can't spend as much time together. Even if the only company of him is in my mind. We'll have it all soon. We'll grow old and wrinkly together, we'll have kids and grandkids and kittens and bunnies and we'll waft through the memories.
We will. I must. I want to.
On a lighter note, i burnt the onions while trying to make soup for this sickiness. =(
I feel so lonely I'm waiting for you But nothing ever happens and I wonder
i wish you were here to comfort me
to curl up with me
and maybe if it happens,
i'd die seeing you last.
but time won't let us.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
because hearing you will change my mind and i dont want it to.
i hear issac's bike.
don't you feel your blood drain?
issssaaaaccccc, hurry, i want to get awaaaay, and im readdddyyy
you didn't even ask me.
so, i'm going out with isaac after he's done changing. and we're going to....
we're going to ride the whole country away.
we're going to waste our time and talk about our poor old friend in jail.
then, we're going to the end-liest place in the world
and bury all our hopes and dreams
isn't life wonderful, isn't it wonderful
BTW ANYONE UP FOR SOCCER TOMORROW?
apisz
i'm bored of your random all-over-the-place attitude.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
its easier to not think of you, to not give a fuck than to have you conquer every corner of my mind.
Deedeedeedee says: RYNN. STOP POSTING UP HOW MUCH YOU LOVE YOUR BOYFRIEND, IT'S GONNA BOOST HIS EGO AND WHEN HE FEELS LIKE HE'S GOOD ENOUGH HE'LL JUST IGNORE YOU, TRUST ME. by the way, Kelfy says hi! RynnReochque says: Hi kelfy hows it in thereeeeee?. ahhhhrhh really uh? hmm. maybe. Deedeedeedee says: kelfy says its warm n cumfy heeheehee yeh la, he will think he good enough then ignore trust me kelfy says so!
whoah. hmmm. thanks dee? erm, to make dee happy and probably some others too, kay, my boyfriend suck ok? -_____-
Don't you resent the fact that I am STILL with my boyfriend regardless of whatever?
Let's come clean. He ain't perfect at all, but he learnt me so well, taught me so well.
Sure, he might not be there a lot. But at least he knows me.
I don't go for objects. Or, gifts in a sense that it is an object.
I don't think the value of diamonds can compensate for whatever unsaid feelings.
I don't like things done in my honour, i know i am not that special. And truth is,
i want to be special only for him. i want only him to be special to me.
i only want to feel butterflies when im meeting him (which i still do), i only want his eyes locked into mine, his lips pressed to mine, his hand embracing mine
Get my hint?
i.e. i dont want to give non-existent hope.
It's not that i don't like you, i like you a lot
But i love my boyfriend copious enough to not leave him.
Our meetings are like
dates in a dream
i never wanted them to end
i never wanted to wake up.
Please, i'm begging you to stop trying. I don't want to lose another friend because of this. Somehow though, i am pretty glad i'm attached. Because i can never say no as an answer, it's just too difficult, especially you. I wouldn't want to hurt your feelings.
please, we are friends, let's remain that way.
Friday, July 23, 2010
^^ w faizal
Thursday, July 22, 2010
they say time heals everything, but im still waiting.
cus im not feeling anything at all. at all.
and the press of every kiss
shes awesome.
let's get away, just for one day.
She peeps on my phone and says
"Matair kau bebual macam sial uh, tak loving siol. Matair ape sia ni? Kau takde laki lain ke?" - Jihan
HAHAHAHAHAHAH girl, there's much left to know.
sigh.
toss your hair back and suck it up, you dont deserve no shit.
HAHAHAH AWESOME SHIT (Y)
i wanna canoe forever, get lost in the middle of the sea and never return.
Today is fucking tiring, i shall not elaborate. Helped waty find a shoe for wed, one helluva long decision to be made. She bought one though, like finally, but it's kinda fun i guess. school was a drag, maths faci suck. i toppled over from the canoe like over a million times thanks to JH who just refuses to sit still AND row, thus making my life more difficult and bringing us to eons of punishments. Thanks JH, i so appreciate it, you fuck. Can't go on leo, didn't change the mofo password, fuck the system!
DAMN RETARDED.
DINIE YOU OWE ME SOME PICTURES.
oh and Faizal's so nice. ^^
july babies celebration after death ceremony?
and i got shot. see. so bloody.
HAHAHAHA omg my face. MY FACE. hhahahaha.
aris' eyelashes.
i got caked TWICE. wtf.
we caked him too because he just ALWAYS ESC
I SUPER LOVE THIS BOY. super super love him.
apisz
I think of all the bad things you do to me. All the words that unconsciously you say, that literally hits me like a gunshot. All the times i had to pull myself together and pretend it's all fine and dandy for you. All the hours spent waiting, spent wasting away. I question myself, what have i brought myself into? Why the fuck am i trying to deal with this when i can just be free and do what i like when i like without any guilts or thoughts of you invading everything.
But then i think about it again, and i remember you. You're only human. I can't expect you to be perfect. You bring me so much woes, but so much happiness too. You made me think, you made me learn. You made me strive for things i wouldn't give a shit about. I think of how'd you feel, and how you'd just be another random irritating guy i would avoid if i didn't know better. Just someone with nothing special. I wonder what made you special. I wonder why i gave a crap. But i do, and i do a lot.I wonder why i miss you, why your smile just gives so much light inside me. Why looking in your eyes for a span of practically forever wouldn't bore me one little bit. Sometimes when i think of you in your most vulerable self, i sigh, and i feel i give too little. Too little love. Too little effort. Isn't it such a paradox?
Point is.... well, the point is, i love you, and i've always thought someone else could do better than me. Don't you think sometimes you deserve more? Sometimes i think of me selfishly, that i deserve way better. But what better can there be? Oh paradox. Mind, please stop thinking, stop thinking of this.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
hey, i love you.
..
met you.
But it's only a matter of time
Before I run far away I need to take a holiday Maybe it's a fall from grace I gotta find a new place A holiday I'll set off on a new chase I gotta see a new face I need to take a holiday
melleee
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Photographer Dan says " I don't want stick figures in my pictures. I want real men, real women. I want normal people, who look good in their originality. No plastic surgery, no pills, no fills. Just human in the purest form."
Friday, July 16, 2010
don't be afraid.
no, too late, already shaking.
oh my gosh, what should i do.
arghhh run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hoot
errrr, what's your motive? if the plan was just to bug me, well whatever. i don't give a fuck about what you think. i dont care i dont care.
These things are all so typical These things are unforgivable I'm gone and you're invisible now Don't let me catch you followin' Don't ask, cause I'm not offering
faizal
COME TO OUR FUTURE COLLABORATED CLINIC FOR PREGNANt WOMEN AND MEN
zzz
imma do the things that i wanna do, i aint got a thing to prove to you
excuse my manners if i make a scene
...
Thursday, July 15, 2010
change of heart
i'm light-headed,
giddy with delight, delighted with giddiness.
oh you
can't you see the world you built for me
eis
i've missed you so much. i want so much to see you again, i want so much to have you for keeps. again with my wants. you probably don't agree to wanting the same thing. days are frustrating, i despise them because mother isn't going to work, which irritates me to the bones. i can't do ANYTHING. i want to go out but i have nowhere to go, and i dont want interference with my house chores or my secret government-related activities(YEA RIGHT) . if i dont do house chores early i'll end up sleeping late. i want comfort so badly i feel like begging for it. i want somebody to tell me i'm fine the way i am, no need to work so hard for this and that, i want somebody to seriously squeeze out whatever tears i'm holding back so they won't be there anymore and it'll all be cleared and settled. i haven't laughed true for some time now. scraping through the days like they've totally lost meaning. i feel incompetent to everything, to everyone, to even inanimate objects. building images of non-existent unhappiness. i need serious help, seriously.
changing skin. ut starting. zomgees. zomgees. zomgees i didnt stud.
.....
but then youre so cute and funny and
i shouldnt ever see you again.
but i want to
im a man
i can do three pullups without breaks. yaye me.
faizal and i
faizal (from class) and i are gonna grow up together. we are gonna work in the same clinic doing the same thing running the same company
gynaecologists.
HAHAH we wish!
but faizal have potential he does look like the doctor kind quiet, safe, hardworking.
come come faizal lets go!
this is so random. im so bored.
if i deplete your happiness then fine.
i've never criticised you i never cared how you look or how your emotions work i took you as you are.
i guess you cant do the same.
fine just fine
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
i dont want to see anyone.
im an introvert.
i'm so sick of lone-ing around. i'm tired around people, i'm tired alone. i don't know just what i want. no, no that's a lie. i know exactly what i want. i want to be the centre of one person, just one person's attention. i don't need a group or a class or a whole stadium. no, i just want one person. nobody will admit wanting attention. well, nobody but me. i've been fighting whatever emotions because i don't want to be weak, i'm everyone's shoulder, i need to cry and mourn and sob over things too, but i'm just not given a chance. i still want somebody to pat me on the back and show me some hope, i want to be blindfolded and brought to a place i don't usually go. i want excitement, days are getting old and rusty and humdrum. but that's all a want. without them i'd still live. i don't suffer physically, i get it all, literally. but inside, i'm poor, i'm lost. i left class early because i couldn't stand it anymore. the world felt like it was spinning around me, i felt giddy and nauseous, nobody gave a flying fuck and i didn't have the words to put it all into. i wanted to be alone. and when im alone i want to be with people. something is seriously wrong, and im not stupid so don't suggest things i've already thought of.
far. el
i guess i never saw how special you made me feel i guess i never knew how your presence completes me i guess i never thought you'd be really gone for real i guess i never took the time to appreciate you i guess it's too late now
i never realised how much i needed you
if only farel were to still be around.
deservant
don't you wonder sometimes, if some things are really worth it? like imagine diving through hell and running through a forest of thorns swimming in the blackest seas only to realise the thing you did all these for, isn't there in the first place? imagine how disappointed you'd be.
but then if the thing is there...
i need a decision.
bam.
i hate to say
I KNEW IT.
anyway Dinie (since you read this) DONT LOOK SO SAD LA. so worrifying.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
"I know a lot more than you think I do.
I know that you asked out that girl before you asked me.
I know she's better than I am. I know she flirts with you when she's around you. I know that you flirt back. And I know that you like her. A lot.
I just want you to remember you have my heart.
Please don't break it. "
i want to weep and drag myself around and sob and sink into the losses
but i have to stay strong for everyone
not for me,
so hardly for me.
i dont want to disappoint.
so sick of
everything.
shaky ground
Monday, July 12, 2010
Times like these. Only the people who are gone can give the exact comfort. Just for five minutes, please? I guess not. Grandad is gone. Farel is locked already so it's all too late. Seems like just yesterday that you woke me up in my sleep, lift me up to go get breakfast, like it was yesterday you made me sing, like yesterday you made me pissed over trying to take me away from Apisz.
I suddenly miss it all.
******
I wonder when you tell me you love me every night, every morning, i wonder how much and how true. I'm always afraid and always will be, of those words losing meaning. I wonder if you're lying or if you're just saying it when you tell me you love me. I am still afraid. Afraid it'll stop. I need to know it won't.
farel, sorry and goodbye
i totally forgot about farel's court hearing. i mean, i even put a reminder of it on my phone, yet there i am forgetting. i'm sorry, i guess it's just the days. since grandad.... mind's pretty occupied.
two years of farel-ess-ness. i think i got used to him being around. more like a brother to me than a friend really, only with a complex love-factor. i do love him as a friend. and i am still so very angry he just had to take so much waste his money his time. he could have done better. but, well i hope he learns from this. time to learn and let go.
may prison teach you well.
on the brightside, at least at least it's not my boyfriend in there. i wouldn't know how to think.
q
it's not losing that makes you a failure
it's almost winning that does.
grandad
Sunday, July 11, 2010
last night i dreamt of grandad. ( should i say late grandad again? i never really got to that)
he was missing and all of us went looking for him. my first ever (now gone to idk where) heart pendant was missing too. we all looked like crazy. we went to an island, we went to a water theme park. i was alone quite a lot, i strayed off from the rest.
we couldnt find grandad.
until the cousins walked towards a field
we saw him sitting down on a wooden table+chair set
like those bbq tables? that.
his hands were folded nicely on the table,
he was wearing a crisp white long sleeve shirt,
black pants, a belt, polished shoes
a cap
typical way of him dressing, always so formal
his position as crisp as his shirt, composure to be respected.
he saw us and smiled. as i type this my nerves tremble. i saw him one last time.
we wanted to bring him home
but once we were home he was gone again.
my grandma threw my first missing (still missing) heart pendant at me.
she was angry, but she was crying.
the room was dimly litted, everything looked orange.
then i woke up.
last night kaknis told me a super cute way my little cousins israfil tried to cheer grandma up. she has alzheimer, which makes her forget now and then that my grandad is gone.
grandma: Where's your grandad?(100th time she asked this)
israfil: He went malaysia~
grandma: when is he coming back?
israfil: hes not coming back, he went there to explore every part there, he's going fishing, he's going to eat there, he's going to stay there forever.
brings tears to our eyes.
my grandma and late grandad truly love each other.
my grandma always pat my grandad to sleep. last night when he was gone, my grandma was asleep, and unconsciously patting the pillow. hugging the pillow. love that lasts forever.
