All that i am, or hope to be

“All that I am, or hope to be”

Friday, April 30, 2010

aint no sunshine when he's gone

and he's always gone too long

so proud of my bf!
lovesss!

going out today! with waty hakim fak and a couple i have yet to meet.

every morning at the bustop i'll see this couple
lady is pregnant

and the guy is ultimately so loving
he actually play with her hair, hold her fingers
sweep his fingers over her cheeks
and the way they look at each other
it's like love at first sight

EVERY. TIME.

watching them makes me so... touched
and envious both at once.
cus despite seeing each other everyday
every night
whenever i see them going to work
they're always just-in-love.

super sweet.

i want that.

last night i saw you in my dreams.
we had a hard time trying to meet each other
but we did

for ten perfect minutes.

....sigh, love, i cant wait to see you.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

i miss kaknis. =(

laughing pills.

i need your presence so i won't drift away and seek support from someone else.

sometimes, i feel like calling you, just to hear your voice,

but then i feel you're busy.

so i start pretending.

i dont mean to be a crybaby
just so you know, i fight it all
and i do my bestest best not to affect others
trust me, i don't cry in front of nobody
i hate burdening anyone
and you do make me happy
so happy that without you,
i cant' be.

just cant get over the fact that
id be gone, and i cant spend the probably
last few days
with you.

but thats alright now
youre always somewhere in there.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

that's all.
end of phonecall.

i wanted so much.

...............yet there is only the smallest of portion recieved.
but who am i to ask for what i want?
i get everything. i live comfortable.
but i'm not talking about money here.

i want to cry on somebody
no, i want to cry on you

wont get the chance.

it's just me, my own voice, the walls in this room, and the sordid empty feeling inside.

again.

you shine the brightest light - all the time.

three days, and i'm missing everything about you. your smile. your touch. your warmth. your scent. it's gonna be a tough two weeks till the next seeing you.

without you i feel so unmotivated. there's nothing to look forward for.

it's all blank.

all there is, is our messages, pretty sparse since you're busy,

and the calls we make before going to bed.

the only excitement for my day.

the only time i can close my eyes and

pretend you're right beside me, talking to me.

i don't know what i'd do without those calls.

all my life, i've never really had anything to truly wait for

to really hold so dearly like precious glass

....just two weeks. that's all till the comeback of true happiness
two. whole. weeks.
there's so many things i wish i could have with you

i dream of waking up beside you, i dream of your warmth when i shiver, i dream of having you by my side, we can talk about everything, we can play with our fingers, we can turn everything negative to the most positive of things, i want to hear your breath while you sleep, i want to feel your hands.
but i guess it's okay to wait.
one day, we'll have it all.
we'll fly free and everything will fall into place
we'll be on the same road, hand-in-hand. towards the same direction. one road. together. always. and even if we don't, it's truly comfortable to pretend that we will.

i pray my rights are considered, please dad.

and even though after raising that hue and left me on the verge of crying,

for everything from unmotivated days to empty ones,

i still believe that you're the one.

SITUATION

before: dont be sad, when you're sad, i'm sad too.

after: you sad sad only, so emoooo.

* * *

Thank god you're just awesome.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

i swear to god i'd rather know nothing.

you know the moments when you're all lost in love-land,

thinking everything is going on great and honest and true

and you're happily wafting through the feelings

and then somebody gives you a tough slap to reality

shows you evidence nothing is real

prove to you all the while you've been totally blind

you know those moments?

it sucks. it sucks to the max.

but it's okay if it sucks.

it's not okay if it hurts.

FIGHT

Monday, April 26, 2010

" The day she started school, i knew she's gone. I knew it'll be forever till i'll get a grasp on her again. She already needs to gather all the strengths for her beloved boyfriend. Who am I compared to him? I hold nothing to keep her here with me. I let her go, like sand slipping through my fingers. I wonder when i'll ever land my eyes into hers again, it's tough, it's eating me inside out. At least, hope of all hopes, she's happy now. See you soon, angel. To Rcq"

Thank you frel, and no, i'm not gone. I'll see you next week. Promise.

As promised.

why am i sitting here aching over you when you probably don't give a toss?
ergh

sunrise, following the goodbyes, following the night,
like you,

disappear too soon.

spending from the night, with you
underneath the half-moon

so i lay, dreaming of the nights with you
and everything we do

close my eyes, and you'd still be here with me
close my eyes
the sunrise comes too soon
sunrise, so soon.

why does time move slowly when i'm not with you?

mad cold.
i want a hugggg
but not from just anyone

i want a hug from the one who can give me the warmest warmth,
inside out.

=( three weeks

two hours with love, and i feel like it was only two minutes.

gonna die for the three weeks coming.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

i slept all day yesterday.
felt sick and all dizzy, like i'm in another world.
didn't feel like eating either.

something is very wrong.
slept for over 15 hours altogether
and i'm as tired as before i ever slept.

funny.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

today, i realised everything i take advantage of, from the pipes of clean water to the irritating ants at the corner in the kitchen, might just be part of another lifetime if i leave.

i told them, a relationship can break as easily as it started. that if we ever found someone better, then the better person is more worthy of our time. what for keep the old one, if the new one is much much better? right? if you have an Iphone, why use a Nokia3210? yes, practical reasoning. We move up the ladder, not down.

But i forgot. I forgot about the memories and the promises.
I forgot about myself. I forgot about how I myself feel.

I shouldn't have said that. It doesn't make sense at all,
even though it makes the most of sense

"true love doesn't have a happy ending,

because true love never ends."

oh love

let's do something different the next time, is that okay?
let's not junk, let's not create a routine.
there's already too much routine going on, it gets tiring.

please, i love you and i want to keep that going on.
i don't want to grow sick and tired and then let things happen.
i'm sooo afraid of fading feelings. it's probably the worst thing
that could happen between us.

i guess i'm still afraid somehow. i'm afraid of being alone,
as in without you.
people say you won't realize the importance of something
unless it's taken away from you.
i learnt my lesson in the past, i know how it hurts,
and i won't do it to you.

i can imagine you there if i told you i'll be gone from you for good, or the other way round.
it's a sight i don't want to see, or know about. but sometimes it's beyond me to leave.
i just pray i'll stay.

it's like, i need a jump-start now.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

i love that guy, the one who loves smiling
i love that guy, the one with the lashes
i love that guy, the one who calls me blonde(dumb, not hair)
i love that guy, the one i dont want to leave behind =(

TODAY IS FUCKIN SUAY.

Firstly, the module suck to the max core.

Then, it rained cats and dogs and donkeys.

So, my slippers were slippery.

Then i was like crossing the road

IN THE MIDST OF CROSSING, MY SLIPPER SNAPPED

and there i was limping

and worse, hakim saw me limping,

BUT HE DID NOTHING BUT STARE AND SMILE

SMILE LIKE HE'S JUST SEEN THE SUN AFTER LIVING IN DARKNESS

BUT DID NOTHING

SO EMBARASSING.

after they got me new slips,

we went to mac @ civic and slacked, did our the RJs and laughed madly at stupid stupid photos. will update on em someday.

it's not midnight, but i'll do it now in case i fall asleep.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAKIM!

k__ says:
hey, later meet where?
RynnReochque says:
uhmmm where you want
k__ says:
anywhere.
i dont mind.
RynnReochque says:
hahahah come our class =p fetch
KIDDING K
k___ says:
hahaha, i dont mind also

some people, very nice

i like someone.
=/

I am mad sleepy now in class.
Module is so physic-y, it's like about magnets?
It's killing me. I despise physics. 4/3 should know.

Anyway tomorrow is high fri!
LOL that's what my friends call it for me.
High fri.
mm.

here's to today! this is zu. and there's something very wrong with my hair today

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

_ _ _ says:
Rynn your bf MIA on you sia
fb also neve see him say tings
you too nice loh
cannot noe
later kana make use
RynnReochque says:
dont say that! please.
_ _ _ says:
Rynn ive been with you thru the
gazillias of boys
ur endles pile of dates
i noe what you r lookin for in a guy
n tats his presence
tat he wil be ther alwaes
not MIA loh
summor you gonna go soon
gonna mis you

STIR OF THOUGHTS.

"it was Rynn n me... she m0ved t0 her new 4 st0ryed terrace in the east n it was sleep0ver!!! i was thirsty... s0 i w0ke Rynn up in the middle 0f the night... and t0 g0 t0 the kitchen, its in the basement, Rynn acc me d0wn... bt she was n0t herself... and the way she stand was s0 s0 weird... as she gt l0ng hair.. it was c0vering her face n i saw saliva dr0pping... she was m0aning actually... i t0t bc0z she was in daze c0z sleepy... but then i felt the eery... her was face bule... her teeth were sharp as ever... its was "Miss Universe"... i scream f0r help... her m0uth nearing me... my hand was sucked in her m0uth... i i try t0 let it g0... then i saw the real Rynn... pulling me away... and it was a dream... but then im still in her terrace h0use... n f0r n0w... i w0ke up f0r real... it was my alarm cl0ck..." - from my cousin's blog.

OH MY GOD THATS AN AWESOME DREAM
i mean, FOUR STOREYED TERRACE!
AND I WAS MOANING =P
AND THE TERRACE IS IN THE EAST
that awesome.

here's to today!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Behind the clouds, the sun's still shining

apologising doesnt always mean the other person is right and you are wrong.
it just means you value your relationship more than your ego

love, i dont wanna go.

Hi, meet laura!

happy birthday syazwan

Monday, April 19, 2010

i love you too much to care about sleep

dear god, give me some light.

I want you to be here with me right now and hold my hands so tight there's no blood coming through, and i want that very safe-painful feeling to last forever. Because at least you'd be with me and i won't be at the other end of the world completely you-less.

Just when everything's great. I can feel my throat tightening. You told me not to cry, so i shan't. I shall fight the tears and think practically. But i'm not crying because i'm being over emotional. Because i'll have to leave everyone and everything if i do nothing. Everyone and everything. This includes you. And all the friends...

Why does seperation have to happen?

Thing is, i'm not afraid to love you anymore. But then now i'm more afraid than ever, in case i'll have to let go because of this. And furthermore we can't meet so often too. Can't spend as much time as we could, before... it. It's like a wonderful dream just disappeared to nowhere.

Speaking of dreams, i had a bad dream today.
I dreamt that i was on the back of a truck, and you were on the back of another truck, and the truck drivers promised us they'd be heading the same way, as we wanted to sit together but can't due to responsibilities or something. The truck drivers lied.
We didn't see each other again. But that was a dream right? You told me once never to dwell too much into dreams. Because that's what they are. Dreams.
Nothing to do with what's happening right? Right?
I can still fight to stay ! Yes I can and shall and will.

I must. I think i really do love you.
No, i know so.
and no, it's not the blind kind.
definitely not.

hey S, the shoei helmet ain't for me.
and im not and won't be a minah motor.

get over it.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

S, it being official doesn't mean we can't be friends.
why is it that just keeping in touch would have to jump into love-affairs? can't it be made clean friendship? what's so difficult? is it that hard to understand?

i dont know, maybe it's harder than i see.
and thank you, i am happy (i think)
that fear in me isn't gone, i'm still afraid and careful
but i'm glad that at least this time,
he isn't an asshole like the others in the past
and trust me S, if you continue being mr.nice guy,
miss nice will come. and she ain't gotta have to be a beautiful princess with long plaited hair and a pretty smile. and your relationship will be mutual, and it will last.
do not look, you'll overlook, she'll come someday.
its not me, and you know well it isn't.

and don't blame yourself!
when you like someone and another asks why,
you shouldn't really have an exact answer.
oh, he's nice, generous, caring...
so? many people out there can be nice and generous and caring.

i just hope you see what i'm trying to say here.

i need to save like 400 bucks for a shoei helmet.
by 13 June.
hmmm.

no rings, no problems.

everything is a big word representing... well, everything.

hey, worry.

i look like a bitch to the max.

some pictures taken some time.

fail LOVE

gemini or what

our potential husbands shall be...

sweet la right right

spoil. so nice redy. zzzz

SHITFACE. ooglie.

take my foot bitch.

muwah (YP)

YPYPYP

think!

why pee why pee!

Yer P. YerP. YP.

HELLLLP

making memories

Saturday, April 17, 2010

waty lovesssss the spotlight!

okay anyway yesterday was friday. Friday with a long story to go with it.

Cut story short i had an awesome day with the class. But it doesnt end there. I was pissed of in an event. Really pissed and disappointed. I felt like silently disappearing. Didn't know whether to meet him or not.

I dragged myself home, put down my laptop, quickly washed my face and slapped on some moisturiser and then checked my phone saying i have to wait ten more minutes before going out because he's not ready. Imagine this face on me --- =_=""""""""

I was rolling my eyes so much they could've been a monotone disco ball.

But i just left anyway.

And just as soon as i went out, he

was

there.

At my door!

All the way from pasir ris!

Surprise surprise! I lit up immediately.

Went down, it was raining madly. Cleared things out, i guess, i remember it being simple and low-drama. Thank god for that. Headed to city hall, this and that blahblah...

Story cut short, we both puked.

Except mine came with the pain in the head and lungs and everything hurt-ed while his was quick. But both of us did anyway. The experience was horrific but it seems funny now. Went to river walk with an exploding head, sat for a very short while. Then headed home because i'm not even supposed to be out today (never understood why), which was ten something. When we reached cityhall mrt, i realised my phone wasn't with me. So we left the other two, and made a dash for it. Walked super quickly, and all the while i was still dizzy and lungsplosable. Then he ran! He ran for my phone! He really did run! I was smiling behind him like an idiot watching him run, still controlling the lungs. Eff lung issues. Anyway he found the phone, all perspiring and half-breathless. Like hero like that! Thanks love.

Friday is like so full of events. And things happening. Different things. Like

memories

In the train slept, both too bloody tired. And dizzy(for me). He sent me home, and once about to say goodbye at the stairs at the upstairs storey...

It happened!

It really happened!

.....when i said i wanted a real proposal like to drop on one knee, i didn't really expect anyone to really do it unless on marriage (i'm smiling like an idiot now), i always thought of men and their egos and that this kind of thing's only existent in dreams and fairytales

BUT IT HAPPENED.

so everyone, it's official now...

i don't know to express it, but it's good! ^^

Friday, April 16, 2010

i tot _ _ _ _ _'s a nice guy sia
RynnReochque says:
i thought so too

*** says:
o.O
sigh
seems like he's just toying wiht you

Yeah, seems like it. I don't know why i try to hide the things that hurts and pretend it never happened. Seriously.

wah knn, heartache. i knew i shouldnt have looked.
now i feel like meeting ashraff and gang instead. with asrizal inc.
my gawd.

how can you do that?

hey you know what, i'll do this, and see how reactions take place.

FAREL, I'M SORRY, FORGIVE ME FOR RUNNING AWAY, I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS.

i mean it.

i'm at school. today's module is extremely light! Its maths but we had to do nothing. Besides the sums are super easy. off to meet love today! yaye.

yaye.
yaye.
yaye.
yaye.

i found a girlfriend(so proud) i.e. waty! we got cookies today.
and went for breaks and talked. in fact, ive made a group today.
awesome or what! the hungries -_- out and away cus of hunger.

ahhh anyway.

"Why must we have met if we're splitting apart, at the peak of my needs for you, and now our sacred place is like the only thing left of you. I keep visiting it, wishing you'd turn up but you didn't and you never will..." Yknow frel, that sounds fugging familiar.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

started the day with The Chico =D

then to class, met the mates.
it was okay. it was mundane to be honest. i was nothing but a sleepy P.O.S.

it rained heavy today and i dont like the lightning and thunders.
everyday is the same boring buzzing in my ear.

i wish we could do something new.

OH, AND FREL, THANKS FOR THE WATCH.

oh my gosh.
the drawings.

im so sorry, S

and oh my gosh
school

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

yknow, my phone wouldnt stop ringing. mad irritated.
so i thought about lady gaga's song? the one with beyonce. this. (i much prefer acoustics)

THEN, it came to me.
BLOODY OFF THE FUGGIN PHONE!
deed done.
by the way, they sing awesome!

dunno why, but i love our blood.

OMYGOD LAH FAREL, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU
I CANNOT TAKE IT SERIOUSLY,
bursting! i'm gonna say it! You wanna know WHY i never gave you a chance? Truth is, i DID. i Bloody did for a bloody long time. Until once, shamelessly thought we were dating, because we sort of were, or, i dont know, and you had a girlfriend, and you cheated on her, WITH ME. I AM THE SECOND GIRL. And i acted like i know no shit and i was still all smiles as rainbows and unicorns and butterflies. NOW EVERYONE SHALL KNOW. SO yes, the reason the both of you broke up is me! I happened to clarify with her and if me being off with someone else seriously disatisfies you, why don't you go get a life and date someone new? I'm sure many girls out there would love to! Don't know just what you want from me! No need to fire so angsty words at me! We're supposed to be friends goddamnit. I BET TOMORROW MORNING, you'd be over-spending on gifts for me! Ergh.

evenings.

the fight of tongues.
i cannot imagine your words so sharp, seriously piercing through my mind, without a single drop of sympathy. i feel like slapping you. forget the past! like fuckin' leave it. It was an old flame, you KNOW it's been over. And don't let me spill it. DONT.

You wouldn't like it.

when it's over

and done with

......... it won't quite be the same without you.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

p.s. to kaknis, farel and dee, z4 is a car. and no guys, you won't get to drive it if i get it. i'll just have it for keeps and make pickles in the carpark ^^ (response to their blogs)

i feel so downhearted.

S, it sucks to know i sort of ruined the start of your 2010.

and, i know it's gonna be so hard to get back to you.

I can't explain how much i miss our late night forevers.

I remember our conversations.

I remember you braving the rain for BK.

I had a long laugh at that.

I don't know which is worst, the fact that i hurt you,

or that none of that laughter will come back.

i seriously want to laugh like i used to.

somebody took it away.

DADDY, I WANT A Z4 FOR MY BIRTHDAY

"let's end this flirtationship cus' i hate being a fuckwit while you go hang round with those females you call fluffers and go laugh out loud, zebras(LOLZ), [to the lemon parties you attend], your own way, while i live my life in leeted happiness as a dank. You're so DTF."

HAHA, TTFO.