All that i am, or hope to be

“All that I am, or hope to be”

universaliar

Sunday, February 28, 2010

got nice few people helped me pick an answer.

some even picked all three, but i chose one, because this eases it all.

work

SHOULD I JEOPARDIZE EVERYTHING ELSE FOR YOU?

pfft.

HEY. dont lie to a liar.

decision.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

which?

for sunday

1) stay home. serve the people at home, talk to the aunties, the cousins (maybe, if they come)

2) go out with someone i won't see for the next two weeks (someone important to me)

3) work my ass off at shu uemura, put make up on people, earn money and forget about all shits possible.

HELP ME. tough decision.

if i don't go for 1, i will disappoint my mother and she'll have one less hand for helping clean the house etc.

if i don't go for 2, i'll explode and find difficulty in being in good moods, affecting everything, because i get moody when i miss people yet can do nothing about it.

if i don't go for 3, i will jeopardize my schedule and i won't get the money for the day.

HOWWWWWWW.

mhmm

Friday, February 26, 2010

"When a man thinks to himself, "Is she attractive," he's not just comparing the woman in question to people that live in his town, he's comparing her to Mariah Carey, Jessica Alba, Natalie Portman, the hot model he saw in a toothpaste commercial, and every other woman he finds attractive."

via RWN.

that is why things are irritating.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

camouflage.

blend to the background and let's all pray it's a good picture.

im off.

where?

im gonna meet the one person who would understand why i'm upset if i spoke no words.

I hope he forgives me.

Hello farel.

glassy eyed

Some things i missed out on updating about.

Got ma munehhh.

Fif's mini lights @ chalet.

my turkish grandfather has blue eyes! UNFAIR.

My cutehandsome cousin Israfil and my cousin @ his birthday.

Uncle, Cousin, me, aunt, mum.

mhhm.

prologue

I've landed now, the land of my life. And still, my heart pumps on.

Even when broken, it still works.

smyl.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Went out with ziqqy! After dinner, we went to *a place* and lay on the grass. Yes we did.

And it was evening, and we stayed there till close to nine.

Watching the stars grow, literally talking cock.

Yep, on that grass.

Itchy

Green

Scratchy

Sticky

Grass.

Afterwards, ziq decided he felt like drinking Bubble Tea -_- so we looked for a shop, and it was closed, then we went to another place and looked for another shop. IT WAS OPEN we were happy. BUT alas, it stopped selling altogether. So, fed up, we went to 7-11 and got a bottle each. Went to a block, sat for about 5 minutes, and decided to find our way home.

Guess what?

We got lost!

This ain't the first time.

WE GOT LOST.

LIKE, SO EFFING LOST.

We ended up to an industrial site, close to Sembawang.

So we took a bus to woodlands after walking till 10+ pm, perspiring and tired but LAUGHING STILL, and then separated to go home from there.

Early because bestie's gotta work tomorrow from 8-5.

Going out with haziq always sets me free. For now, he's the only one i can truly show true colours and practically laugh my ass off with. Yes, i wanna boast and brag, he's been my friend for ten years now.

ten

hehehehhh. okay goodnight all.

smiles

because serving people as a make-up-girl @ Shu Uemura means smiling all the time,

that smile has stuck to my face

regardless of situation.

hohooo off to meet ziqqayee

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

AM.

AN.

AWESOME.

MAKE-UP.

COUNTER.

GIRL.

because i manage to reach target.

and not only that,

instead of 100%,

i even achieved 163% today.

IM SO AWESOME.

okayokay no. come down to vivo tangs shu uemura and you get promotional offers and discounts! (chey this is such a lie) BUT there are promotions that i can inform you about. seriously. the products are good.

mehh. who am i kidding.

black week

Sunday, February 21, 2010

things are really on the cliffs right now. i shall let some flow here and then maybe you 'nice' people can help give your comments or solutions, though i know my affluent and ever so religious readers are the basic problem.

Starting with Friday Night.

The stalking, shoo-ing, and finally leaving of my favourite/only trustable group of people. THE ONLY GROUP of people looking after me. And by that i mean, really looking after me. Really coming on the dot when i call. Really missing work and school and having sleepless nights when i need them. But guys think! I DID THE SAME. I skipped many things for you too. I talk to dee on the phone for nights and nights listening to everything. I meet Farel day after day for who knows what. I enjoy the time with you, i really do.

And okay, i lied. I said i was at work but i wasn't, on friday.

You guys said i should've told the truth.

You see, that's the difference between you and parents. If i told parents the truth they're fine with it. But if i told you the truth you'd still pester and force me to meet you. I know we can only be complete as one, but can't i have some freedom? I don't want to lose you guys.

And it's not his fault.

I don't know what to think now. I don't know who to care more for. They've been there. We swore to never fall apart. Not for any date or boyfriend or girlfriend. I'm not 'abandoning' you guys. Come to think of it, it'll be stupid to 'abandon' seven of you. VERY stupid. It's not even called abandon-ing, cus i'm the one to be left alone.

I only see him once a week. I can meet you guys everyday! We can do everything and anything EVERY. DAY. So why is friday so vital and deadly? Please, i love you guys. You're like family. We've been through so much. Remember the death of Fasha? Remember? I was there. I was the with you and we promised never to fall.

And don't say things you don't know.

+ to another party.

i lost my bestfriends for you, now i'm alone, my other bestfriends like haziq is working, and i bet you have no idea what it feels like. what do i get in return?

i get nothing. i feel so stupid now.

i dont even know if you really love me anyway. assurance, missing.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

GUYS. I AM. SO. FUGGING SORRY.

pleeaaase. you guys know i love you more than ever. really. dont let this one thing waste away our friendship.

(you don't feed me, you don't give me shelter, you don't do anything to contribute to my living, so why should i?) - sounds familiar?

drifting. apart.

i need a haziq or a matt right now.

off to work.

khai rule

Friday, February 19, 2010

KHAIIIIII I LOST YOUR NUMBER CONTACT ME ASAP

SO WE CAN MEET

BEFORE YOU MOVE

SOMEWHERE ELSE

20th april 2009

Thursday, February 18, 2010

we were in class, and i was disappointed with zimmy not replying, then baohui who was sitting like one seat and one aisle away from me, actually whipped his phone out, and texted me saying

Dont look so sad... Smile =)

and i replied: =) thanks

and he replied: Lol as long as u smile

20th april 2009, from private blog theorynn.

damn. i miss school.

...

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I DON'T NEED YOUR MONEY.

pffft.

i pray the 50-50 chance of poofing away from Singapore won't happen.

Poofing, means, moving.

I want to stay and wait for 11december

And then for 13th.

I PRAY.

fullstop.

i declare.

im so fuckin in love with him and i cannot avoid anymore which is fuck because i'm a coward and i'm afraid of this. can i just scream out 'i love you' and not feel afraid? "i love you", with a name at the back. So everyone would know and those NOT the person stop feeling-feeling and think its you.

but nevermind that.

i was thinking all night long.

syeeqah i need you to be strong. seriously. i love you more than you'll ever know, and you were there for me during my mishaps. i pray you'll get through this with pride and more strength, because i never ever want to see you unhappy. here's where 5(almost) years of friendship comes. Hearing you cry made me wanna kill the guy. How could he, not to you, no. Not to MY syeeqah. Damn.

Brother, i need you to appreciate me. Please. Do not scold me when i get something you want wrong. I know you can't walk and it frustrates you but I'm trapped at home, caged, SERVING you, please, at least appreciate it. I'm you sister, not your maid or servant. I really do love you, like a brother because you are, and I wish you'd just be nice to me. I'm doing this at free will, and no matter what I can't leave you alone.

Farel! For god's sake pleaseee don't NEED me. I know i was with the accident too but i have to stay with my brother. Priorities. And, the rest of them are there with you. I hate picking up the phone to hear you cry, because you've never cried before. Keep in mind i do love you okay, just be strong, everyone's there for you. I wish i could be, it's not i don't want to. It's i can't.

Farihin. I've been thinking about you for so long. I know, and i certify, that we can never be like how we used to. But i bloody miss you, though, i'm gonna do nothing about it because i don't want you thinking i'm doing things MY way. Yeah yeah, it's all my fault....

I wish i could split into millions of me then i can be everywhere with everyone.

Seriously.

And why am i updating on this?

So EVERYONE WILL SEE.

tearss

this is one of the saddest videos i've watched.

farel akmal

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

it's the hardest when your closest people are nowhere near you.

When you've parted from close classmates.

When your best friend's working hard.

When your date's in camp.

When your best man is afraid of you.

When your guardian angel met with an accident.

WITH YOU RIGHT BESIDE HIM, ASLEEP.

i feel like a fucking fool.

let's see, how did it happen. We were out, and he was driving. I was right beside and i was tired so i slept. I don't know where we were but we were from JK. The next thing i know when i opened my eyes there was a bike flying in front of me, and the loudest bang i've heard in my life. When i turned to Farel his head was comically bouncing off the stearing wheel when the airbag pumped up, and then it just swerved right and left (his head) and his the seat. Then it bounced on the seat and bounced back to the front and my head hit the airbag and then a long, deafening, cricketing silence.

I sat still.

I was so shocked. I mean, i was asleep. And when i woke up it's like diving straight into a nightmare. I sat there still as hell, and waited for rescue, while calling every possible sleeping person. A taxi driver and a random uncle in a car came to help. I didn't even know who drove the bike. I didn't look at much i just sat on the curb and cried.

Farel is still unconscious so stop asking me so many questions. I was there at the accident, in the accident, but i might as well not be since i was asleep. I know nothing. I don't even know where exactly it was, all a big blur, since i just woke up and was shocked to death and nobody was there and it was dark and morning and there weren't much cars and there was the police and the ambulance and all the flashy lights.

I wish Farel were here to comfort me because he did it best.

But oh look he's unconscious with a head concussion due to being a temporary basketball in his car. WITH a potential memory loss. Long-term or short-term, well, we ALL pray for the latter.

Seriously, pray for it. He's still unconscious.

But above all, people are bombarding me with eveyrthing. I hope this answers all. And contact me for details on where Farel is. He's alive, but still unconscious. let's all pray hard.

its 835 and i shall be off to see him.

another almostlover

Yesterday (monday) is pretty awesome.

Went out straight to meet ziq! It's been so forever ago. We ate, then walked, then went to the arcade, then watched a movie. Guess what show? Valentine's Day.

Basically it's about wrong matches, and best friends ending up as lovers. And guess who I watched it with? My best friend. IT WAS SO AWKWARD. I swear. Haziq and i were like er-ing a lot. Because in the show it looks so sweet and normal and typical but the both of us can never see each other as lovers. It's so... wrong. I mean we know each other too well. Kissing him would be like kissing a brother, and that is not sweet. At a shop while he was paying for his drink i saw like a flower thing and i went "eh so sweet!" and the shopkeeper was like "didn't you get the hint" on Haziq and Haziq remained calm and normal whilst i broke into A LOT of 'no's. Where did my calm go. Damn.

I had a good laugh with him though. We walked to Faiz and gang and shortly Haziq left because he had to go home to sleep as he has work tomorrow morning. My very hardworking potentially-rich best friend. Of whom i'm desperately lonely without.

After he left, i left too, and went to meet Wifee. YES. AT 10pm. WIFEE AT TEN is awesome. We talked ALOT and i miss him like so fuckin much. So then at almost twelve we seperated (live so near) and here i am now.

And i won't be for long. Because Frelfrel managed to get permission from mumma to take me out for one whole night. Mumma asked for what and he said : "I miss her uh auntie."

And my mum?

She said okay.

I'm gonna be on a half-night-rally with Frel again! Yaye. It's been so long. I wonder where he'll bring me in his stupid BMW. I hate his car. I hate it because... Because it's his and not mine. Pfft. But really. It's gonna be a big bucket of lemons!

Anyway, i shall never forget,

HAPPY 17TH BIRTHDAY SHAMIN.

I love you so much and please keep that in mind. Happy 17th, love.

(sorry lack of pictures. i'm using bro's comp cus mine crashed and it all sucks.)

truths

Monday, February 15, 2010

i had an awesome time yesterday!

everr sooo sweeeet~

i was presented with a bouquet of flowers the moment we met. drove to town and ate at Billy Bombers (IN A VERY VERY VERY SWEET WAY). We got a photo of ourselves taken and printed by them (without knowledge), and i got a red heart balloon. The couple beside us was nervous (extra info) haha. Watched Kisses, then drove to Marina South Pier.

I just realised something seriously unrealised before.

I can't stand it when he smiles it's so cuuutteeeee.

i called Alif yesterday (you are SO reading this) because he texted me to call. And he didn't want to talk. It wasn't just about the job, but it's okay since it's soooo hard. like talking to me will gain you some kind of disease. frustfrust.

TODAY. I shall meet Ziqque!

Ahh okay here's something because i'm gonna mate with my cousin (lie, i'm gonna wake her up).

AND try to update matteo.

...

Sunday, February 14, 2010

the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone;

is vast.

now, the question is, which applies?

role.

Haziq says:

ahhaah okayy

we shall do that

ohh and if u really can on mon

ill try to go off from work at 3pm

RynnReochque says:

uhhuhhhh

okay

i'll cnfirm

yaye

thanks so muchh

THIS is good friendship. ditching work to meet me. for? TALKING.

almost lover

Saturday, February 13, 2010

i just got home mad tired.

ergh.

im having a horrible night.

second thoughts for so many things.

don't look don't move don't talk about it don't wait don't rush don't think about it if you can't then you won't when you're off you're on it if you're not you've been caught, don't think about it. don't feel don't touch don't lie about it don't walk don't run don't live without it if you're real then you're gone when you're off you're on it if you're not you've been caught don't think about it

don't look...(unless you're prepared for heartache)

Stargazing at upper pierce was okay until Elisa had to go home to curfew. Then we all left and i'm home too. Thanks Syaf for pillion-ing me. And sorry about the whining. I don't like bikes and you should know. It was quite a day. But then spending time with them made me realise....

Sometimes life is just a fucked up mess isn't it?

I tried to talk to you to convince myself i should never take a second glance but then...

Oh how you needed me to go. Must suppress pissed-ness.

Now i have second thoughts over so many things.

Maybe it was the gazillion of stars.

Maybe it was the chill, the chill that made me beg for warmth. Which in turn...

Maybe it was the location. The hills, the trees, the darkness, it made me cling.

Or, maybe it was just the company.

No, maybe it was the wind, the wind made me dizzy, made me feel something i should not have.

Syaf has the warmest shade of brown in his eyes.

OH and matt, if anything were to happen keep in mind i'll miss you. my once in a year best man.

and i so miss my best friend ziq right now.

and the hharrs.

and the biatches.

and the angels.

and the ninies

and everyone else that matters

this is for you

i'm on Syaf's Macbook. WHAT A TIRING SWIMMING THING. As usual i had to be dragged and pushed into the pool, and as usual they will literally pull my shirt apart. Goodbye Zara Tee. =(

Hi syaf here. hehe padan muke rynn! ^^V

_|_

so tired. have to take syaf's huge ass scrambler back home.

Hi syaf here again. hehe my baby wife scrambler ! ^^V

annoying yes no? we're going to upper pierce later though, to sneak in like naughty kids to watch the stars in silence (or maybe not, not with this crowd no). Mhhmm will be pretty awesome.

Hi syaf again. Rynn lost her shirt hehe! ^^V

whatever syaf. i'll crash your macbook.

okay anyway. i have a message to send out to everyone.

ALIF (or real name azhar is think) //editted because suckas don't deserve this.

th best gift

I want to see the aurora. If anyone brings me to one i swear i surrender my life to you.

It's like, the greatest goddamn blessing the eyes could ever lay upon.

Anyway, i've opened the gifts, and Martyn gave me a big red heart sort of box. Inside are prettily decorated notes, i think more than 100 pieces, "Reasons Why I Love You". P.s. keep in mind me and Marts are just good close friends. And since he's overseas... mhm.

The upstairs neighbour gave me the usual chocolates and card with his name address and phone number. I don't know what to do with that information.

Help me decide!

in anyone else

you're a part time lover

and a full time friend

.. i don't see what anyone else can see in anyone else

but you

love

UFFIE is love. =)

smileys

12 am to 12 pm - Friday = AWESOME.

Stayed at dee's, then FarelIsaacMardeeFiqueDerek&Kel came too, and we stayed up all night. We girls put make up on the boys, made them squeeze into dee's and my garments, and pose. They look so pretty! Isaac had a super hard time squeezing the hell out of my fuckin expensive acid washed jeans from NZ which now has button-ular problems. THANKS AH ZAC. Then we played stupid games, and we all took out paper notebooks etc and gave each other 4 minutes to draw another 5 people there. Most didn't draw me because i'm too 'complicated'. It was stupid. Maximum. We made songs and are planning on doing a reccie soon! Can't wait. From 7am onwards one by one left for work, then dee and i slept. Woke up around 11, then got ready cus dee had to go to work to replace me. While i, i took a ticket (ez link -_-) to ECP.

of which i came cross ryan in 966.

then walked a little and (background music please...) along came a tall dark handsome prince on a white steed (whatever that is). He came and i swooned, then he took me by the arm and we rode his horse down england, and he ravished me and we planned to run away from home because our families are from different disagreeing continents. After running away we plan to, like, i don't know, drink poison or drown in a lake or start a new revolution or something...

HAH kidding it was just Apisz. And he ain't got no horses. Almost all the above = lie. ALMOST.

We went along east coast... walked... and guess what.

THERE WERE MONKS

FIVE OF THEM

BY THE SEA.

AT EAST COAST

DOING WHO KNOWS WHAT

monk's day out i guess. to camwhore and post pictures up facebook. (no disrespect meant for said monks) BUT REALLY it was hilarious. We took pictures, might post up soon.

Anyway the time spent with Apisz was awesome! Awe. some. We looked at the stars (look how they shine for you, all the things you do, and it was all yellow....) , the moving clouds... cockroaches..

I don't know, weird thing is, even when we do nothing with nobody in the middle of nowhere...

It's just great. I like it. Mm, no actually i don't like it. I don't like it at all. Saying i like it is such a fuckin lie. Im such a fuckin liar. Because i don't like it, i loved it.

Thanks so much for the day everyone.

(p.s; parcel 1 is from Martyn, parcel 2 is from a neighbour from the 8th storey... OK I DONT KNOW WHO, will open parcels this morning [like christmas] yaye.)

vday

Friday, February 12, 2010

i'm at dee's. uploading using my crappy omniaII.

guess what, there's two valentine's packages awaiting me at home. mom called, cus she went home from the hospital to feed the cat, and there are TWO packages. with two different wrappings and two different handwritings. TWO packages! HOOPLAAAA! and Vday isn't even here yet! ohmygeeeeeeeee

moments away

Thursday, February 11, 2010

i went to causeway point today for a short while.

i went to try on some clothes at a particular shop, which was looked after by some guy.

who opened the fitting room door for me,

and then proceeded to tripping and falling on his arse.

oh my, no need to be nervous. hahahahahahahah whoever you are, guy out there, please contact me and we can laugh together. or, you know, i dont mind you tripping i wish i did something to help, so, i want to say sorry.

no, really.

took the bus, went for the loop because i had plenty of time. as soon as i alighted, KHAI went on board! Bloody fuck i didn't get the chance to say hi or goodbye because he's moving i'm so sad i owe him a lot big time serious shit he's always been there for me (in the past, until i MIA on him) which also equals to me being mean and that's not nice of me.

oh khairul, i remember how we first met. it was the morning of another random day and i was on my way to school when you approached me in sleeping attire and handed me gig flyers. which i didn't attend, thinking you're a stalker plus you didn't include your name. gradually you walked me to the mrt and we met almost on a daily basis. until the zimmy incident.

of which i hid from every single body in a very thick tight shut shell. which is opening now, but still wary and afraid. no, wrong, i'm more cautious than ever. i've learnt a lot and found a lot of advice (through the internet, i know, no life right) on how to manage well through things like these.

mehh.

i gotta get ready, sleeping over dee's tonight! oh, but everyone will be there too because they havent seen me in a while i cant wait! I PRAY TO GOD MY DEAR GOD THAT NOBODY DRINKS TONIGHT.

i miss 4/3.

khairul

KHAI IS LEAVING WOODLANDS TO MOVE TO SOMEWHERE ELSE.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

MY LIFE WILL SUCK WITHOUT YOU KHAI.

one last lepak?

love fool

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I AM SO BORED. currently on brother's computer because my laptop crashed.

MHHMMMM can this get any better.

I did all possible things!

I cooked, I watched teevee, I peed, I drank, I painted, I sang, I played the guitar and keyboard, I read, i wrote...

AND ONLY ABOUT 1 HOUR PAST HALF THE DAY IS GONE. not that there is anything to look forward to tomorrow, but you know, IT'S SO HORRIBLY BORING.

I wish i had tools to do a kind of clay pot or something. Or a sewing machine so i can modify my clothes. Or some sort of crazy thing i can make into a gun or what not.

MAN. This is killing me.

Oh and on top of all that, my best friends are happily working. I.e; haziq, farel, dee....

fml.

dreary

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

i. can't live this way.
hands up in the air, knees on the ground.
i surrender.
surrender big time.

since the leg accident affects my brother's mobility, i'm the most affected in this house. i have to be with him 24/7 with nothing entertaining to do. i am blocked from my life, it's like the doors of my happiness are slammed shut and i have to pay full attention on him. i'm not used to this responsibility and i despise it. there is no freedom for me anymore. he's happy because he's the stay-home type. while i, i need the outdoors, i need to be with friends, i need conversations and laughter.

i bet i won't get to laugh or even smile properly till my brother fully recovers.

rynn, do this, rynn do that, rynn somebody this and that. i have to round up as both a nurse and a maid and a sister and a caretaker and a babysitter all in one. and i'm doing this all for nothing. no doubt he's my brother. but i get tired too.

and the worst part is?

there is absolutely nobody to talk to.
when people come my brother slams his door and locks it so none of my friends will get to see him and he'll be mad and pissed off over it, complain to my mother and i get babbled at. even though the parentals have approved of as many of my friends to come over to compensate for the time lost for not being around each other. and not only that.

i have to keep faith for the guy who i can only see once a week. i have to keep that faith strong and it's so hard with all the shit on my shoulders. i need someone who can be there for me all the time. i need a helping hand, a trusting supporter. it's difficult when you can't see or hear or feel what makes you happiest.

be still, sad heart.

im sure it's not their fault, my bro and said guy, that they're in the position they're in now. it's nobody's fault. i just feel so tired.

i need a nice day out.
oh wait i forgot, please don't offer to go out with me because you know i can't.
it saddens me.
this will carry on for 5 more weeks.

getaway

Monday, February 08, 2010

Doesn't matter what you say
... Never understood at all

spending fifteen minutes with you was like fifteen years in heaven. it's been so long. i can't believe we met. i can't believe we met and i want to re-live every moment. i can't believe i got to see you, you, YOU, again, after whatever that has happened. i can't believed we talked, i can't believe i touched your skin. everything feels so unreal.

i am now confused.

i had to go to KKhosp at around 8.30 just now because my brother was bleeding. after. the. operationl. we all thought the part they sew was torn open or something. turns out he had blisters from the bandage, discovered when the removed all the dressing and cement. the blisters were huge! there were five, from coin-sized to one mofo palm sized blister! it was all bleeding heavily and i got to see it all i feel so lucky and proud. one of the blisters, about half a palm's size was actually SKINLESS. yes folks, it was bare pink flesh. when they cleaned up with something that confirm 100% chop contain alcohol my brother screamed and puffed and howled like a woman giving birth, and i laughed. they got the dressing fixed, cement and all and we reached home by 10.30.

video of wounds in hand ^^

it's in my phone.

i will watch it to sleep. gruesome holy shitxzxzxz = the sex.

_|_

eh i dont care please. even if i have to delete you guys.
even if i have to delete memories.
even if i have to delete all memories.

because ive got better people to hang out with. not a gf-cum-liar or some guy who doesn't compromise. really, if you dislike me so much, gogogogogogogogogogogo nobody's stopping you. just stop bugging me with nuisance and being fuckedup hypocrites. you don't feed me, you don't give me shelter, you don't provide me with anything at all.

so fuck off and have a good life ^^ (see im nice enough to say this)

i can't say just how much i love

Sunday, February 07, 2010

late night alumni!
how much i love them.
i think i know why.
because when i'm at Farel's he'll always turn them on when we're all high, low on the floor. But those days are over. Doesn't mean i can't listen to LNA!

another one of my faves

relaxing (i think) ^^

FRH

i dont care please.

your pictures will never cause me to envy.
everrrr~

i wish you'd put effort,
i would if you asked me,
i'd do anything for you.

crosseyed

CRUISE CANCELLED. =)

bro needs to recover. but parentals have to pay a penalty of a certain amount.

went to checkup, I'm PERFECT-ly fine. Thank god, please. Nothing on today.

or tomorrow.

or the next day.

and the next

the next might have something on but i'll never know for sure.

basicly i'll be staying home a lot to take care of my brother. at most i make runs to shops or something to get him something. i'll be such a good sister i shall not jeopardise anything at all. including my poor little Piqy.

Oh brother, please get well fit and healthy soon? Please, so we can all be happy that you can finally walk again. So that we can all be glad that the incident is over and the effects are done and that we can move on in peace and avoid repetition.

so to round it up i'll be home and if if if you want to see me my door is always open. yknow. it's always like that. the door, i mean.

ahh, i hate hate hate people who misjudge me. when they say i hide my emotions etc. so what now, you want me to attitude 24/7? uncontrolled?**** please, if you attitude-d 24/7 nobody will like you. and oh i do dislike you very much right now. very. very. much. i can flinch just thinking of you. dont call or text me ever ever again. register that please. just seeing your name online makes me so disgusted,i'm gonna delete. this will be the last im mentioning your existence.

i know it's mean to publicize (publicise?) this. it's hard to explain. and to some others too.

i know he's in ns and all and i cant spend much time with him but then im willing to wait so just leave it and stop influencing me to go. because it doesn't matter to me. it does make me sad sometimes but there's nothing wrong being sad. you're not happy all the time. if you're happy all the time happiness won't have a meaning. and no, im not with him (yet? or.. idk). don't go around saying he controls me, it's kind of my choice too.

i so need to talk to you guys in person. WITHOUT the drinks.

falling

ex.haus.ted.

i was spooked in the morning so i left home early. walked a bit then met haziq, sat down for a bit then off to city hall. didn't go for shoot today since they have enough people, met apisz. till 12.20 am. from 3 pm.

Is that long or what? it's called letting go of whatever miss-ing-ness swallowed for the week. because i can only see him once a week. which is somehow sad. sad cus i have to wait and wait and find things to occupy my time with. But i'm sure it's not his choice to leave me alone right?

right?
say yes.

else... i jump down...
the bed.

today we went around very aimlessly indeed. went to suntec, no movies to watch so went to sky garden, then went raffleshotel for smthg, consumed it at marina, played at the arcade, walked to fort canning, stoned and high there, then left for home.

seems so simple yet it means so bloody much to me.
i don't know why.
what magic he used.
some spell.
potion
egg. =p

ahh, another week of waiting.
tomorrow i shall go down sgh for my lastestest checkup after my infected lung treatment last week or something. my brother is now in bed and i am at the most relieved to not be alone at home. so.many. disturbances.

my head's spinning i wanna lie down.

mourning

Saturday, February 06, 2010

i'ts 5.17 now and i am awake. because i had an early night. but everything is aching.
including.... mid-left on the chest.

it's so cold. i woke up shivering with goosebumps all over. i went to the living room with nobody there. the house is at its emptiest. i just can't believe it is. unless we're on holiday or overseas, it is rare the house will be empty for more than 12 hours. And usually if i'm left alone i'll let people come over, but last night i lost my mind and got stupid. So i stayed alone. Of course, there's me inside this house alone and you probably think it's not empty after all. But hey, do the math.

Empty house+ Empty Girl = abyss of emptiness.

yes, and if you think the answer is ridiculous your maths suck and you should start kindergarden immediately. Or you'll have a real bad future wiping mailboxes.

But seriously. Ive never hated being alone so much. I've never felt so irritated by home.
I usually can stand for a lot. I think i'm quite patient, and i try my best to swallow whatever emotions that may come in the way.

But when it really hurts and physically nobody's there to perk me up, i feel like jumping down. Not to die, stupid. To feel what it's like to fly for 5 seconds and then crash.
Same as being happy for five seconds, and then crash, i guess.
I may not have to jump after all. Deed done.

morphine

Thursday, February 04, 2010

i am ironically alone at home.

because my brother is in KKH because he had an unfortunate accident, fractured his shin and dislocated it. poor brother. my baby brother. i wish more people cared more.

many of my friends came (weird but true). Mum got to see em all. Yesterday night while waiting for his admittance to surgery, Farel and Dee came. Today, Haziq came. After which the cousins poured in, then Akmal and fiance, Isaac, Fique, Mardee, Celeste and Danny came. For a while, because they then headed to Isaac's for another drink party.

Of which, after knowing i'd be alone at home, almost joined. But i know where i'll end up tomorrow morning. I'll end up on the floor, puking my guts out, then laughing away with the rest trying to nurse a deep hangover.

I'm very disappointed today.

The person my mother wanted to see most didn't come, and she showered me with words like "no balls", "uncaring", "ignorant" and "not worth it". So pissed at so many things.

And so tired too because everyday i've been waking up at a pathetic 7 am for work. Which is extremely tiring considering i sleep pretty late (3-4 am).

I shall embrace the lone tonight.

Farel offered to come but i bet he's half drunk and i don't want things happening here.
Haziq offered to come but he already came and i don't want to trouble things.
Jasni (exbf) offered to come but i told him not to because he'll have to not go to work.
Hanif(used to be damn close) offered to come but i don't want him to take a cab all the way from Tampines. Poor guy.

So many nice people offering help and all rejected because...
Because they're not what i've been waiting for.
All week for.
All my time for.
All the reasons for.
All the working and distractions.
Everything.

I shouldn't have, should i. I should have never listened and never opened. I should've just been myself and drink with my buddies and stay out with them and make my parents worried and i'll have my eyes wonderfully half open again. Oh that greyness. I miss it so much.

The bad, ruined, broken past never seem so bright.

i heart late night alumni

14thfebbb

oh my gosh.
14TH FEB IS COMING = VALENTINE'S DAY (just another day but why not?)

and...

IM GONNA MEET MATTEO MATT MATT.
gonna have a great time yes?
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee cant wait cant wait
this will.be. so. awesome. cus cus cus its matt right?
=D

uber eggcited.!!!
9 DAYS 9 HOURS AND 19 MINUTES TO GO TO 14TH(2.41 pm)

(i calculated see, excited humans)

word for thought

imagine if everyone were not to hide their feelings.
imagine if everyone didn't control their emotions.

and just got along with anger and pissed-ness and sadness.

the world will be a screaming, mourning mess.

oh anyway did i mention tomorrow's friday?
=D

cant wait to meet loveeeeeeeeeee.

tired

AND NEXT IS? LOL WAR.

p.s.
MUSE WAS AWESOME.

okay technically i wasn't there, but i was too. I was in the stadium, behind a counter, pouring beverages like @#$%^& but i still got to peek into the performances! And on top of that i got money! HEEHEE but standing for six hours straight = tired and reaching home at 12+ and sleeping at near four and waking up at 7 for work is = damn tired. L.E.T.H.A.R.G.I.C.

Though, i don't know why i even wanna work. Not like i'm broke or need financial help. I work short jobs that are pretty low-paying, for nothing. FOR NOTHING I TELL YOU.

Because you know why?

MY PARENTS are gonna bring us on a cruise! A CRUISE ON STAR CRUISE. FOR VIEW SHOPPING AND RELAXATION @#$%^&. They're too rich, give me some money pleaase.

Okay. SO cruise it is.

p.p.s.; tomorrow's friday!!!
p.p.p.s.; tomorrow is FRIDAY!!!
p.p.p.p.s.; TOMORROW'S REALLY FRIDAY!!!

tell mary

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

play along,
she wills it,
sunday came,
promised you'd tell her,
she sat up in bed,
answered your call,dear,
smeared purple and red
you're gonna leave her tonight
she sat up with her eyes wide
you fell in love
with a girl you knew
you've come to say goodbye

minus love

something i shouldn't have seen. i. must. hide.

and...

leave?
karma sucks.
the L word sucks.

i need some Kleenex

lovefool

please take my heart but don't break it

I spent the whole mofo days with haziq. Serious shit.
I have this throbbing pain, killing me inside. I need to tell you something... But i just can't get to. I wish you'd do something about something.

=/

Congrats for being shortlisted! Please be punctual and project enthusiam for the interview tomorrow, 3/2/10 at 10 am. Please put on make-up and preferably bring along a photograph of yourself tomorrow. Good Luck!

Address: SENCORED.

Look for Miss Chris.

we entertain ourselves! haziqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq sings wimme. he bears w me omg lah good or what right right right ! bestfriend <3

...

Monday, February 01, 2010

im talking to you currently.
and im damn sad.

this is nostalgic.
once there was a guy who left for thailand for work
promising me so much and then when
he came back....

ok get some composure

im talking to you now
and you asked
and i swear to god i wont leave you.
unless of course if its inevitable

not as long as im sane, i wont.
all these made me cry like

a child losing his mother [ok no] . =/
maybe you know im crying but i dont wanna admit
but then now youd know.
cuts like a knife. yes, my silences
were in fact holding back. (failing)

im so sorry its just so....

watch this~

^^ lol

- A card from recieved from japan.

i always think of your thing =)