“All that I am, or hope to be”

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stop trying to be like me.









bitch please. you know you can't.

oh and for all the people i might not be able to wish because im occupied with time; the virgos.

Fauzi(23rd Aug)
Syida(26Aug)
Farah(27 Aug)
Thahirah(29 Aug)
Nat(29 Aug)
My love/Hweexian(07sep)
Shah(10?sep)
Farel(09sep)
Mother(11sep)
Lisa(12sep)
Issaac(15sep)
Raqif(19sep)
Phylis(20sep)

Happy advanced, belated or now birthday to you people.
much loves.

if i missed your name, please, please remind me. i will try my best to accurasize the dates and remember promptly. very busy truly sorry, i can't really appear for much gatherings and stuff. gotta study, prelims are on, o levels few more weeks, fasting month some more, gotta cook(i know right), need to earn a lot of cash, settle lots of things, basicly rushing around in frenzy.

but i like it.
(because im not doing it alone)
we're like courtney love and kurt cobain

remember.





think i won't do anything about this?

watch me



how long will we have to live in secrecy?
its tiring always needing to hide. i need to build two different faces, two different me

i miss THK, Angels and The Ninies.

i could hardly wait to see you again to feel your hands covering me till the storm is gone what seemed to be the end oh its not the end at all.Is it over? I am fine, thank you dearly for your time I'll be leaving don't you cry I'll be back soon at least I'll try can't you see there is no time to think selfishly yesterday's gone tomorrow's here can't turn back now I won't quit I still love you I swear,I always will.


don't wi-fi phones rock? online at the hospital. fasting isn't so bad. aside from hyperventilating + dehydrating. crackling skin.

he said 'let me see you stripped down till i can see your bare beating heart.'
so i said 'cry out for me now.'
and he did.
'come with me, let's...'

her blood a darker shade of black.

i dedicate this part to one of my bfs, md fauzi.
for 23august 2009.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY- i am late.
i'm having a rough time, and i guess i saved the date wrongly, just being honest here. diedie thought it was 24th. i've something for you, which i hope is possible to pass during our next outing which i truly hope comes soon. we've been through a lot, poji and we grew four years older together! amazing how time flies. well, i'd just like to tell you im truly glad ive found you, and that i really hope we wont ever lose touch. the past we had, well,it only made us closer. you know i love you.
=]

what am i supposed to say?



"oh!itslove."

ahhh
farelalelalelalelalealealealealelalel!

im dizzy, oh stop

=)

i want to forget.
i can't stand seeing you doing things you know i can't take.

i told you once, maybe you forgot.
but it goes similiarly to this story:

At 3 years old i wanted milk, i couldn't wait for it, so mother screamed at me. I cried. Till now, i don't drink milk.

Or, to sum it all up; phobia.
Once i think i've had enough, means i've had enough, i'll go, far far away. One wrong move does it. I think i have enough in my hands, one more and i'll collapse.

Even though it'll hurt me too; i wanna leave. I need so much more, find me what i'm looking for.

i won't make any moves for now. you're the guy.

somebodys here.



i wanna skip with somebody down life

I've been really busy.Much to say, yet nothing will spill.
Oh i miss so many people so much right now.

Yesterday, i met someone i really didn't like. Oh Mommy, please, make him go away, i dislike him i dislike him. Afterwards i rot-ted alone, till Akmal, Celeste and finally Farel came. Akmal was from Johor, that explains his lateness. Celeste had night classes. Farel was working(zouk). So basically i had to wait forever. Who else do i ask come down to meet me in the middle of the night? After midnight? On the last minute? Thank you guys. We talked a bit, being little kids, swung on the swings, slid on the slides, played catching, fell, scraped my knee(again), laughed out loud like happy little children.

Oh such wonders playgrounds, good friends and boredom can do.

Around three, Celeste left. So the three of us decided to go ghost-hunting, failing miserably. Afterwards, my keys arrived so i could finally go home. Locked the door. Five minutes later, doorbell rang. They had to use the bathroom.
We had breakfast (we are fasting today! amazing!) before they left me to get my wonderous sleep.

memories.

=)

i'm indifferent let me go gotta dance and think of him no more never never understand the words i wrote nevermind a heart thats broken right you can never be mine and for that its something i do i fight im indifferent to you ive got nothing for you.



the hardest part about dreaming of someone you love is having to wake up.


i thank all my friends, esp shamin, fauzi & farel.
whole lot of guessing and talking done there huh.
love you guys.



i wanna run away.

I had to walk from Sembawang home today, how lovely. Well, about 10 minutes from home a hero came to the rescue, though a little too late, but still, thanks. Ahh, i am so tired. School knocks me out, and i am now currently afraid to sleep, i don't wanna dream.

Another one; about nothing feeling right about everything going wrong seems we've been here once before who's fault and who's to blame doesn't really matter now nothing will ever change I'm trying too hard to not let go i'm trying to let you know; now i'm falling apart all over again all i gotta do is keep on hanging on Love is breaking my heart yet only love can mend all i gotta do is hang on


Are you still in love with me, or someone else?

My hand in yours, put yourself in my shoes, what do you think i've ever felt through for you, was it all just me alone or was it images forming and revolving around me?
I'm a dreamer,who should've known better. But I thought you had a dream here too. Cus now I have to live, I have to live in this dream without you. What's the matter with our ways? I'm missing something, oh you're not to blame. But don't you worry, this will pass. It's only cause my mind's been spinning. No control, I've lost my head. All of this is just beginning. Not enough, it's never enough so if you have to leave just go already and leave me here because if you can't be around I have you in a better place, where you'll hold my hand and keep me safe.

I only want to keep on dreaming.

i miss you already.





goodnight.

I was back late.
Went home with nobody there.

Packed, brought my cat along, headed to Farel's.
He wasn't home yet, Mardeana was. At the door she went to panic mode, i don't know why. I guess i looked scarier than a ghost. Well, what else, after midnight, smudgey eyeliner, pale, dark clothes...i'd be the same.

I couldn't sleep, so when Farel came back, all three of us just stayed up. We talked about all the things we never talked about. Now, i am exposed. Now, they know me for certain. Everything. Now, i am vulnerable. But i appreciate it. They listened and respected my thoughts and feelings.

We talked until about six plus, when we started drifting off. Our conversations were slurry sentences with no endings. I don't know, i think we all took one too many. It started slow, but i guess accumulation allows more damage.

I woke up at nine to Cherry Kiss. And my cat on my chest, and flowers on the pillow next to mine. Mardeana and Farel weren't in the room anymore. So i went out, and found them fixing up breakfast messily. Because i told them i wonder what life would be like in the west out of unconsciousness last night, and they were trying to make pancakes.

Flour was puffing about everywhere and their clothes were stained. Hilarious? We played with that flour. It covered our confessions. Now i'm on my laptop at HIS place. Mardeana's in the shower. I'm still floury.

Sigh.

I wonder if he'll miss me, god knows i tried.

I'm trying so hard not to like you. Trying like a mad kid. But it's getting harder and harder. I cannot stray off, i need to concentrate for my o-levels, even though i find that life is meaningless now with or without a good pass. We'll all die in the end. But you're giving it meaning. Too much meaning. I don't want it. But i'm seeing myself needing it sooo much. Somebody help.

blogger responded! Okay, so, i miss my cat. No doubt she's sleeping with me every night and stuff, i just miss her because i don't spend as much time with her anymore.



Oh i've been so busy. Such that i had to text-message on my way to school, walk like a creepy old lady, and trip on a curb, almost falling. Must keep eyes on path from now onwards. Rules, rynn., rules.



Someone once told me to replace my LIFE for a person who will only result in more aching. The irony is, she was the one who said not to let LOVE take over LIFE. And the bigger irony is, THIS IS MY MISTAKE. because i chose my life over him.



fuck?

fuck.

blogger sucks again.
blogger doesn't understand the need of photos.
blogger doesn't understand the need of page alignment,
bold and italics, font size and colors,
all without using individual annoying codings.

ANYWAY IT HAS BEGAN.

1 - presentation
2 - communication
3 - enjoyment
4 - attraction
5 - wantingness
6 - neediness
7 - ADDICTION
8 - orientation
9 - proposal
10- confirmation
11-possesiveness
12-obsession
13-foolishness
14-giving up
15-distancing
16-disappearing.

THE EVER NON-CHANGING STEPS OF PAINFUL LOVEACHE =D
HELLO, WE MEET AGAIN. (though i'm at one of the steps, but i gotta get some umbrellas and ponchos out because i will be at 16 somehow someday. see my relationship with faith?) crumbling to dust, i tell you.

I know, what a boring title.

I went over to cousin's after t******. Took a lot of photos but ph..WAIT A SECOND.

p.s.;i cutexzxzxz anot? ergh.ew.


BLOGGER HAS CAME BACK TO NORMAL?
OMGHEE. AND TO THINK IM UPLOADING ON PHOTOBUCKET?

well. here's some photos anyway.

momma



brotha


this is my aunt. she looks young.

and i insist we look half-alike.

oh, and i shall never ever wash my hair in the sink EVER again.

After the last post, Farel called and asked me to go downstairs, WITHOUT BATHING, so i did. I went down and he was there (with his BMW, must emphasize, cus he insisted on not leaving his car at the carpark) and gave me one longg missed hug. Wah, i tell you, waking up and seeing him as the first person is comparable to waking up with a permanent happy. He asked me out this evening, which i have yet to confirm because i don't know just yet, but i'd sure love to ride on his BMW! Anyway, one thing accomplished, Farel is aiming to get to University next year or something. I support you all the way Famale! We talked for a bit, he asked if i'd like to get breakfast with him, i said yes but i would prefer AFTER i bathe. Which, is it should be now. I should be bathing right now. NOW. Not updating this. but anyway, i'm going to breakfast with Farel in BMW! HEHEHHHH BYE



FACEBOOK TEST RESULTS = DISAPPOINTING! haha.
nobody passed.

im sure if these people has facebook (some do) and were to do the test, they'd probably pass.:

Shamin
Farel
Akmal
Farah
Shay
Syazwan
Fique

Because i think they know a lot. I think.

And for the record...

wait, if you have not done the quiz please proceed in doing so first before reading this entry because they're answers.
.
..
...
....
...
..
.

I LIKE WHITE. WHITE! then red, and so on. But white comes first.
Family comes first, they're the hinge of support. Then comes friends, etc.
I was born in SGH. fullstop.
My weakest weakness? ...definitely not untidy(mum will crank up)and i do have a weakness.
Pet cat everyone got this right.
Qualities in a bf? I like em quiet and deep and mysterious. Nobody got it right. Syq almost did, i like unpredictable people too but... thats not it. haha. nice kind and generous = aren't all guys like that?(at first.)
I will never wear pink.
Misleading quote = worry about tomorrow tomorrow.(see blog profile)
Best romance place = Valley with flowers.
Activity would be to hike.(hiked 100000x before)
12 exs. (somebody put 19-idiot)
Childhood nickname! haha. EYI. nobody got this right.
Ambition = naturist.
Cause of death, no causes, for now.
Calms me down is a warm big fuzzy happy tight hug.

So now you know. Yesyes, i didn't expect much people to know. I don't talk about me and this kind of thing so much with so many people.

Oh anyway, i loved yesterday even though it half sucked, at night especially. I slept early ^^

"People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world"

"I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli." George Bush.

"A good essay is 10% inspiration, 15% perspiration, and 75% desperation"

"Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering."

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."

"Operator! Give me the number for 911!" Homer J Simpson

i know i'm being lame and.. well. it's morning and i have nothing to do.

WELL, like they say;

like most girls my age, i am 16. =)

secrecy, jealousy, silences, willingness...
surely it meant something?


Had a long day. Stupid biker, must've been drunk, to have rammed so hard against our window, now look who's responsible, poor ol' Afif. Ahhh, bad day. See what you get when you drink and ride? Stupid fool. LIKE.A.FOOL.

Now biker is unconscious and me and my three cousins are all pathetic and asphyxiated. We're all exhausted and totally speechless. It wasn't our fault. I swear Afif's eyes were extremely fixed on the road, and none of us was being distractive. In fact, we were all pretty cautious since it's Afif's first time driving my dad's car.

But what the hell. Here, seven reasons why the accident meant total bullshit for us.

1) Ana's eye MIGHT be blind because a tiny piece of fibreglass went into her eye, the bike rammed on her side. Poor Ana's only what, 12?
2) MY DAD'S RENAULT! ohhh Megane.
3) We are all doomed.
4) Accident day coincides with mum's late brother's birthday, UncleAdnan, who passed away while mother was young due to a BIKE ACCIDENT. oh the irony.
5) We had to make statements, AS IF IT WERE OUR FAULT.
6) Policemen were unkind and grouchy. Except for Mr.Lionel who was pretty patient and helpful.
7) WE are ALL DOOMED. did i mention this? we're doomed.

Ohhh, what a day.

Well at least something good will come later, i hope.
nono, i'm sure.

you're becoming me only escape. my only refuge. my only peace.

so pin me down with your eyes.






















and don't let go.

I went to fiqqy's blog, and apparently he extracted MY blog post which i posted some time ago. Reading back, i don't regret saying it.

Love hurts. Burns. Kills. Whatever you wanna put it. Love at this age is actually only an infatuation towards the opposite sex. It brings you troubles, it brings you sins. Love at this age makes you slip away from your family bit by bit, and makes it hard for you to study. Talking all night, sleeping all day, unhealthy. Love can also influence you into doing things you'd never imagine doing. Like running away. Like not coming home. Like sex. Love pretends to hover close and protect you, but by fact it's actually just you, forming images of all worthwhile trust and faith. Love immitates courage and pretends to treasure. Love starts beautifully, shaping itself into sunshine and butterflies and rainbows and rainy hearts. Then, it betrays you and hurts you, torturing your emotional room, physically tormenting you, literally screaming at you. Then, love leaves you, having done its deed. SO you see, love is bad. It's stupid. It's worthless. It's dumb. It burns. Love burns.
SOMEBODY PLEASE, PROVE ME WRONG.
i have been reduced to ashes. yes folks, the one who said all that, is now the one who feel all that.

IRONY MUCH?

It took me about two hours to recover, but here goes.

I was asleep.

The doorbell rang.

I proceeded in opening the door, without looking through the peephole first. I don't know why, i was just feeling so frustrated. So i just gripped on the handle, twist the lock open, and pulled the heavy wooden door. There was nobody there. I slammed the door shut. At that, the doorbell rang.

Again.

I went to it, opened it real quickly, before culprit gets to run. My head was dizzy with anger.
But when i saw who it was, i broke down.

He stood there, eyes glistening. We froze for about 20 seconds, uttering not a single word. I didn't know if i should just let him in, or scream at him, or cry, or smile or laugh or whatever other actions possible.

I just shut the door.

I'm sorry. Please don't come again. Don't want to see you again.

SO THIS IS YOUR NEW GIRLFRIEND,
WHICH YOU SAY, IS MY COMPETITION NOW.



ID RATHER NOT COMPETE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
if she's gonna be the one coming down and shoving weapons down my throat, then shove away! she put up MY picture up on her space, so i put her up okay. it is only fair. come on, find better please? i feel so insulted that she is chosen over me. but it's okay, you're better off with someone your own kind.

besides, even my friends are better looking than you.
E.g. Farel! Who has a new BMW! AND YOU? mehh. go smother more powder on your face to cover up those mighty flaws. maybe someday you'll be at least as fair as my not-so-fair skin tone. whatever it is, i support you all the way yeah! keep untan-ning.


i miss my cousins from Turkey and from Java.


Aqif and Hirzad.
But that is an old picture.
Now they're both about my age.

I hold it true, whatever befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
It is better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

Why love if losing hurts so much? We love, to know that we are not alone.
Love doesn't make the world go 'round; love is what makes the ride worthwhile.

The one thing we can never get enough of is love. And the one thing we can never give enough of is love.

it's only polite to pose at the flashy white piano at grand classy hotels.


the blindness is confusing.

i am sick. if in two days i don't get any better, i have to check for H1N1 infection. this is such a bore. on the wrongest of times. i want to be in school. for once, i actually want to. but noooo!

pfft. i spring-cleaned the house today whilst being stuck at home, coughing, shirt soaked with mucus, at the same time overviewing the statistics of my sordid life.

oh, i threw the shirt away by the way. it was too disgusting to wash.

at around five, Farel dropped by (TO SHOW OFF HIS NEW CAR, IDIOT)
saying he wanted to check on me, and ensure i am fine. Oh i hope, if i do have the influena A, that dear dear kind rich with a new BMW caring Farel won't get it too.

i am burning up with excitement for...
oh quick time, fly quick.

always somewhere, miss you where i've been. i'll be back, to love you again.

CONGRATS FAREL AKMAL


(sorry i cropped your face Shayy)

FOR YOUR NEW


B M W!

and SYAZWAN



FOR PASSING YOUR TP TEST!

much loves.



Times like this calls for angelic measures.

The day started out fine. I woke up, went down, met Khai under my block, passed him his stuff, and left for school, a little later than usual. Physical education was annoying as our loved beloved teacher has gone, which also means no more fun and games. Other lessons were fine, if not a little disturbing.

After school before AP, went down to meet Fafa and Poji. I managed to talk to them! I miss them more than anything else, you know. The Hot Kids, i mean. But, seemingly, a study gathering has been planned for this Thursday evening at Woodlands library, or something like that, so most probably we can finally re-unite.

Anyway, i'm angry at a certain someone. A friend, that is. I mean, she's a friend, fine, but she has no rights to say whatever insults she wants to. Because i know, deep down, that i know more about this world than her. I've seen more and been through more. No, that does not make me a better person compared to her, but i am very extremely annoyed by her presence around me. Her voice. Her reactions. Her sms-es. Her calls. I can't help it. So sorry. You've been a friend, but you've never really been there like i have. You hear me, then jeer me, then tell me to move on. I take that as mockery. Maybe you're jealous of me, but i don't care. I don't want to care about you.

Basically, after all that happened today, i've become more annoyed than ever. But, thanks to the few of you that cheered me up, things are fine. And i am not referring to that girl only.

As soon as i reached home, an envelope awaits me.
I opened it, and out popped about 850 singapore dollars. Supposed to be 848.30 but someboday rounded it up. Because the letter said so. 550 because we won for the competition on TeenLife! the rest, my pay. Congrats Dee, Elaine, Hazli, Gerrald, Mike and me!
=)
Happy! Thank you gay photographer, thank you Dee, thank you Imod. Now i am filthy(yeah right) rich and... i wonder why the postman didn't take that money and why they didn't just put it up in my bank account. Now i have to keep that cash for myself.

Oh but no matter.

I am trapped in my room again. I want to sleep and be awaken by my NEW alarm clock at about 11pm.
go away, flu.

syaztwo. says:
hahahaha you're MY sacred goddess at least
syaztwo. says:
hey sacred goddess
syaztwo. says:
help me pass my traffic police test tomorrow
syaztwo. says:
so i can drive thy holiness to wherever thy wish to

HAHAAH.

Fique says:
Ekh yeszsxs fcos u sacred goddess.
Fique says:
y els u think we all take care of u 4?.
Fique says:
n i mean all nine of us not juz me.
Fique says:
Goddess all hail.

and and

~disseminate~ Farel.Akmal says:
sacred goddess or wad?
~disseminate~ Farel.Akmal says:
hehe. can lah ehs.
~disseminate~ Farel.Akmal says:
no wonder yer alway in my hed.
~disseminate~ Farel.Akmal says:
grant my wish oh holy goddessness
~disseminate~ Farel.Akmal says:
i want a new caaaaar
~disseminate~ Farel.Akmal says:
no no need i jus need ya to sae hi to me.
~disseminate~ Farel.Akmal says:
evridae.

HAHA. goddess is such a lie.
theyre all kidding but this is fun.

Today = bad day.

the only thing that made it better is seeing this:

"My real name is Maiqal Bin Jaksun" - Haiqal.

HILARIOUS. And, happy 3 years anniversary to Hirda and Fazrin. Love you guys! Last forever and pray i'd end up like you two!



I AM SUPPOSED TO STUDY
BUT I GOT SO TEMPTED...

I FINALLY LEARNT A NEW SONG ON THAT OLD KEYBOARD.
I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF.
(actually its because the guitar don't go so well with the chords.)
BUT, CONGRATULATE ME!

btw,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY FIQUE FIQUE FIQUE
strange how your parents REALLY put your name as Afique.
but anyway.
HAPPY 21ST HAPPY 21ST HAPPPY 21ST OLD MAN
MUACKS MUACKS YOU KNOW ILY!

imy.



Some overdue pictures.







endless love for this picture. i look so free.


where i want to be.


where i am


and what i am.




One word; debilitated. Effete days.
Nonetheless, elited. Prelims and O's are coming. I've been studying, somewhat, but i need to append more effort that that alone. That alone, i will end up in standstill borderline results. Which proves cataclysmic.

It's been 48 days since then, and when date hits September... Oh well. 48 days. in 48 hours it'll be 50. Another 48 days and 48 hours, and it will be 100. Achievement much? I'm living. I'm alive. Without you. See? I can make it. I can! So what makes you think i'll wither away without you?

I hide behind smiles and laughters. The truth is i miss you. I wonder if you do too. I wonder if out there somewhere, there is still any hope. Then i wonder why i still hope for that. Because you're practically noisome.

My mother once told me a mother's love is the most unconditional love ever. And i know it's true, but i really wouldn't know, not from first-hand experience. But from second-hand experience, i see it, can even feel it. Sometimes i wonder why i have to go through so much drama. My life, in picture, is a chaotic mass of people scrambling about, hitting each other hard, some dying even. And if that's the painting, i'm standing in the middle of it. Sometimes affected. Most of the time. Can't i just have a happy-go-lucky kosher life that consists of normal 16 year olds' feelings and sights and sounds? But i guess it's partly my fault. That i care too much and get little in return. Under the foreseen circumstances, i have the urge to vow never to feel for anybody anymore. To just neutralise emotions and all that intuitive under-practicality. Vanquished too much. But then again, hollow is equals to empty.

I hide behind lyrics too.

Were the angels that lonely,
Couldn't they suffice for anybody else?
Can't everybody just lie to me,
She's home, crying for me now
Every night on a Friday
I will visit the same spot that i hate
The place that baby* loved
And now she can taste it
It took her away.