“All that I am, or hope to be”

June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 April 2013 May 2013 November 2013 December 2013 February 2014 May 2014 June 2014



know your eyes in the morning sun,
i feel you touch me in the pouring rain
and the moment that you wander far from me
i wanna feel you in my arms again
and you come to me on a summer breeze
keep me warm with your love,
and then softly leave
and its me you need to show
how deep is your love?

i am so exhausted. i think i might like, for once, a quiet night.

somebody's leaving, someone's cheating on and on...
someday maybe somebody would love me like i need
and someday, i wont have to prove cus somebody will see
all my worth, but until then i'll do just fine on my own.

put up with this bullshit for far too long.

bad day. fancy coming across him on the way home, wasting my priceless smile at someone who just stood and stared. annoying much. day was tiringgg.

gotta study for bio and SS test.

don't put my heart in fragile hands.

i am so busy i dont have time to think.
of course, 60% busy with school, 20% house chores & family, 20% mischellanous.
=) how great. i feel good. happy adrenaline rush.

oh did i make it that obvious now?



Today was great. Fullstop. No elaboration. Tired too.

I recall the first night we met. It's the first night our eyes sat in silence, and also on that same night, you asked me to be yours. Why didn't i think? I guess it was the moonlit starless sky, that empty painting of black, the peaceful winds, the tired pantings... I guess that made me say yes. I should have thought better. That very night i didn't even really like you. I made one mistake there. You liked me, you adored me, but only as what you saw me as that night. All this while, i've been playing with images in my head. You never did loved me as who i truly was. I've been decieving myself, painting pictures of lovely futures and a happy life. I've been consumed by your empty words, your fruitless lies, your deceptions. All this while, you only stayed for one reason. And that reason shall never be anymore. I once laughed, mouth wide open. That laugh practically sums up my past. I craved fulfillment, too shallow to know i could never be fully filled again. I wish i never knew you.

Adapted from : Entry number 275, page 140, 2nd July 2009, Thursday, Book II. - Diary.

A PROBLEM SHARED
IS

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A PROBLEM MULTIPLIED.

The worse things to say at the end of one's day is;
might have, could have, should have, but didn't.



=) but i have to take care of it forever. It costs almost a thousand bucks and i shan't do any damage to it at all. It's a birthday gift, though late. Love the functions. erhem,

THEREFORE, JY can have my phone. The old one(s). Because he lost his. I am officially a heroine.
so generous right?
=D

touche.

Last night went to get the new Omnia2, while mother was bought by father a new ring. The one gigantic diamond thing? THAT. She is now officially a happy wife. I think thing costed about 3kplus? I dont recall, but it looks something like this.



Pretty yeah? Mother wouldn't even let me touch it. She has gone bonkers, trust me, she kissed the ring more than the one who bought it for her. Her newborn love for bling-bling things is annoying me. I get nothing. Still with my heart pendants and fakes. Where's prince charming?

i miss this perfume;



i used to wear it but i upgraded to Estee and Eclat and Lanvin and Chanel etc. I just miss the smell of Reumer so much now. And my friend's been bugging me to get that for her on her birthday.

Think i could spare some cash to fork out for myself?
maybe not. got many things to pay and attend to.

p.s.; i wanna update photo of when Fa Pau Syq and Evelyn came the other day, but then blogger won't allow photo upload-ation.
p.p.s; those photos above are nipped from other sites.
p.p.p.s.; blogger is real sucky right now.
p.p.p.p.s.; im using my phone to update this.

p.d.s(please dont see); hehe.

Like whatsup with blogger? No matter where i log in the format for making a post is still not the usual one. I want to put photos, for god's sake. Anyway, welcome to my life OmniaII! =)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SERAPHINA!

kaykay, blogger's being a bitch again. I can't do anything here, pictures, colors, bolds, italics, whatever. All my favourite things, unable to be done. But whatever. Let's begin with events, since i have neglected my blogging habit.

Now, as a summary, school has been pretty good! Really, because i love my friends.

Let's all fly back to monday.

Rushed home after school to get changed, to meet Syazwan. Caught a show, and had some time to talk to each other. Went pretty well. =) Thanks Syazwan.

Tuesday! I went home early because i was pretty unwell. So, at around 3, Fa called to say he had to pass me something, meet him after school. I was at home and seriously could not go out. So he said he'll come pass me whatever at 5. Then it changed to 5.30, and eventually evolved to 6.

At 6, he knocked the door. I opened it and had one helluva shock seeing Fa, Pau, Evelyn and Syq there, with a cake, a nineteen day late birthday song and pretty smiles. They're so sweet. We had a mini-party at my place, talked, scared each other... Syq's afraid of my sister! HAHA. Anyway guys, thank you so much. I love you all.

Wednesday. What did i do wednesday? Oh yeah, it was mother tongue LC for Olevels. It went pretty well, i guess i have a secure pass for now.

Yesterday i rushed home yet again to meet Louis. We caught a show, and both of us, tired and lethargic, almost fell asleep. He did fall asleep, for the record. Harry Potter's latest show, ultra boring. Afterwards he walked me home and we had our chance to talk. Talk about everything. We haven't talked for long. So now, Louis knows everything too.

And today, well, it was alright. I had a horrid morning. Woke up late, got out late, it was raining, chased the bus, the bus left, so i stood at the bustop in the rain, and decided to walk. Didn't want to walk towards woodlands, it being shelter-less, so walked towards Admiralty. Which was when i got hopelessly lost. It was dark and i didn't know where exactly i was going. But i made it anyway.

I've realised something that is dangerously disgusting. God, help me.

S.O.S.

Regret is the worst feeling felt. One is left in exasperation, and there is simply no turning back. I'm sure you've felt regret before. I feel it all the time.

But you know, come to think of it, i enjoy this. Feelings. At least i feel something. The heart falling to the stomach in every disappointment. The heat coming onto the face whilst holding back a tear. The surge of excitement on every text message. The gushing blood when anyone holds my hand way too tight. The goosebumps when one looks at me and flies me a kiss.

I know, flirting right?

Yeah, but i am nobody's right now, so HAH!
Yeah, NOTHING is hard. Except trying to make you see that there are things that are hard. You're old, but you're like a child. You won't flex your thoughts. And you like blaming people. I blame you now! Irony much? (only the smart people know who i'm referring to)

But hey, you know, at least meeting new random people is fun. I can't wait for tomorrow. And the next day. And the next. And the next of tomorrow's tomorrow. And I shall brood on and on. Till next never day.

I'll worry about the tomorrows tomorrow.

"Make love to the camera."
How easy is it to fall again? Remind me. Oh no, no need. Its great. Its all great now. I feel good. I don't care whatever shitte.

Work was horrid. Farel offered to send me home, but i rejected very very impolitely. I saw the disappointment in his face. Went like:

"Rynn. You okay? Want me get you home?"
"PLEASE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"
*disappointment in face*
"Sorry. I'll make sure you make it through the door safely then."

And he tailed me like a dog, opening all other doors like a true gentleman, until i made it to the main entrance. I am so mean! But i blew him a flying kiss anyway so i guess that'll make it up? NO! FAREL, SORRY. SO SO SORRY.

And then when i was home i was so cocked up i decided to watch girly girly chick-flicks. I watched a couple of shows and just practically died in front of the laptop. & Oh oh, and to Hunney dear, i'm sorry i couldn't make it today. Seriously sorry!

I owed you four kisses, now i'll owe you five okay? Okay? Next time inform me in advance. You know i love you. winkwink see you at you-know-where. -_-

Right, 090909, I'M GONNA GET NINE BABIES! WITH _______!

I am being so random right now.

What other random things to say? The Simpson rules. I want to get married. I am heterosexual. I like animals. White is my favourite color. I can't go on a day without texting someone. I'm in love with 7 different men (this is a lie, but what the heck, it's random time) and facebook changed my life. Oh god time to stop.

Enough randomschmendom. I just recalled a sad, sad memory.

I had a rabbit
It was white
We put it in a cage
And left it there overnight
When we came back
It was nowhere to be found
We called and called it name
But it did not make a sound
So i went behind the TV
To look for it in case it's at the back
And i couldn't believe what my eyes had to see
My white rabbit
Has burnt to black.

=(

A few very late picchas. Taken by Terry(ble). Ok, i meant Terry. Haaa.



And in case you forgot who Louis is from the previous post
It's my tattoo-artist (but tattooless i think) brothaa! Drummer from all-time well-known rockband Helven~
MAN i miss him. =)


Could you and your swollen ego fit into my master plan for failure?
Creation imperfect.
Your head in your hands, and this is my cue; if THREE words could heal you, i'll only speak two.
I take the shame to heart and lock it away in a place thats sees not the light of day.
Silence only justifies this act of cowardice.
This is your freedom in a life of fallacy,with no last kiss, no regrets & no good bye.
I will use it when i see your face again.
Unleash the rage built up in my throat
Show how you hurt me and hopefully you see you have the power to destroy my will to live.

But it is not destroyed. That's why i'm plotting my master plan for revenge.
Not too soon, not so soon.

Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person,and the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?So much like choking down the embers of a great blaze.It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersionsand to scream confessions at the insipid sky parting clouds.You let this one person come down in the most perfect moment.And it breaks my heart to know the only reason you are here now is a reminder of what I'll never have.

I break in two over you, i break in two and each piece of me dies
I had an okay day at school today. Plans cancelled blahblahblah, parents shitty blahblahblah. Nothing interesting to write right now. Life's fine. Well, one minute it was. Strange how you can love someone so much once and hate them so much later. Strange, very strange indeed.

Ahh, oh yes, i gotta call Louis. If you dont remember... Louis is... Louis. -_-





THE ART OF HAPPY BOREDOM! Heres Syazwan~


Yknow, you remind me of a poem i cant remember, a place i've never been to, and a song that may have never existed.

Ive heard it all, seen it all, done it all... i just dont remember any of it

I dont want to have anything to do with you anymore. You've been too much and there's only so much i can take. You dont know how your words simply echo inside my head. I was being nice. I asked how you were. I asked you sincerely. And what did i get? I got called plain mofo bitch. I cared at first. I cared that any efforts to make things better might work. But then i realise nothing will. You're not normal. You're the most unkind, and ungentlemenly. But whatever. I don't wanna know anymore. You can text me right now saying i've shamed you or whatever in public. Trust me they all know more than this. Yes they do. They all know what you did, what i did, what happened and how you reacted.

So don't bother. I just don't care anymore.

Have a good life Zimmy.
-your Plain Bitch.

I am home! And tired.
Here's some random pictures; featuring Fad. =)











I wish i came with a card stating my purpose. At least i wouldn't have to suffocate myself looking for one. And when i test-try some other purpose i ain't meant to do, well, i feel like a bloody loser.

And that loser-ish gig suck. BIG TIME.

Oh, somebody's here, gotta go entertain.

You know when you're all calm and collected and over-the-average-meter kind of happy, but then there's this corner in your heart that cripples away with elicit? THAT's the kind of feeling i definitely despise.

It crumbles the day down.
No, it crumbles EVERYTHING down.

I've managed to live, normally, smiling, talking, exploring, laughing even. But then there's this empty reluctance to do ANYTHING at all. I don't know, its an incognito. It's annoying, at the same time remarkably amusing.

People i'm real close to said i've changed. I mean, well yeah maybe. I used to be more, nice & polite. That's what they say, to me i've always been this way. But maybe i have, since i've inculcated this culture for myself in saying 'loser' and 'you suck' at random momentary irrational situations. Poor people who get said to? Well too bad. You know i don't really mean it. Wait, i think i do. But not in a harsh way. Or do i?

Let's just put it as, perplex.

I gotta get back to work.
Somebody help me answer this; why the above is happening?

Im at work and i feel a little better today.
Farel's been tickling me goddamnit its sooo irritating!
HAHA, stopppppp!

I laughed till i cried. TILL I CRIED I TELL YOU. stop, oh stop, mailboy.

Do I Say I'm Sorry Cus The Word Is Never Gonna Come Out
trying too hard to hide, no such thing as pain, no such thing as pain



I MISS WIFEE.
and everyone else, somehow.

in an hour's time, it's PIQY's birthday.

HAPPY 1st BIRTHDAY PIQY !
THE BEST EVER.
ILYSM!



I am confused.
But nevermind. It'll be okay in the end. I have Syq to help host Bachelorette for The Urgh. So Syq will help me analyze for the best. RIGHT?

Well. Things are happening so fast-forward. I have sooo many choices to make. My phone is screwed, so mum wanted to get me a new one. There's this model called Aino or Satio from Sony Ericsson i like which isn't out yet. I used to want some model which is out now, and it's supposed to be a birthday gift. I told her, " I'll wait for the one i truly want. Even if i have to use some crappy spare phone for the meantime."

Mum smiled. She knew i wasn't referring to just the phone.

But i feel so bad. This is the problem with me. I can't feel bad. I drown in people's needs. I drown in pity. I drown in thoughts of what they'd feel. I care too much. I can't stop, it's something like a trait. Something bonded to my blood. Damn. How to not feel bad?

Kay now to play random games. For girls. =) Found it somewhere, and i thought it's interesting.
One. Two. Or three? Pick a number.

#1
Husband material. Someone who enjoys outdoors, peace and good times together. Someone calm and stable, stable job, stable money, unemotional, rational and generous. Someone who you'd fight with one moment, and end up kissing and making up the next. The type that will come home with a broad smile, a bag of food and a wallet of cash, saying "Honey, i'm home!" Someone you can always rely on, is very responsible, and loves your company.

#2
Wild-guy. The type with a bike, comes home late, drunk from partying with biker-mates. Good-looking but extremely wild. Not much money in their pocket, but lives everyday like there's no tomorrow. Those with the leather jackets and a silver ring. But, on the other hand, is one helluva romantic romeo. One that showers you with all the love in the world, and will stand outside your house in full view from your window, to serenade you. The type that says 'i love you' at the most unexpected moments, and is proud to show you to the world.

#3
Challenger. Someone who breaks your heart a lot, and keeps you wondering if love is anything that can be felt. Always harsh and frank, but possesive and obsessive. However this way he pushes you further, to greater heights, keeps you working hard to improve and realise the goods and bads. The type that makes you appreciate the finer things in life, and to improvise on the rest. One that will hide from emotions, but will show if they're good ones. You find yourself a better you each day spent with this guy, but his acts tire you out sometimes. However, love is still a standing factor, everything because of love.

Who would you choose?

he said ilymtaitw.
i smile and cry at that.

Clip my wings,so I can't fly
No, For i would rather die
Tie me with chains that bind
And I'd go right out of my mind
Hold me,then let me go my way
And I'll come back again someday
Love is not proving myself to you
But giving freedom for all I must do
Don't give me an alternative,
I must choose
For that way you can only loose
Hold your head high,it's nothing you lack
Just let me go and I'll come back

I'll come back

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry

I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never
Been this way before

All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye



This time, waking up has never felt so good. Fetch for the phone(my mum's extra phone. a cybershot. my phone's screwed.) , smile at some late texts. Send some greetings to some dear people. Get some replies. Login the internet. Go to youtube, watch Randy's weirdass hair while singing well still.

I dont know, i feel so happy. Like it's all so fulfilling. Like i'm finally at rest. I want to say about a person i quite like, but, i don't dare to, yet. It's not the right time, i guess. Anyway, to my cheese, i'm still very sorry. Hear this? this is public announcement here.

CHEESE (a.k.a Syida) I AM STILL SORRY. I KNOW I'VE BEEN A BAD BAD FRIEND.
.SORRY.

Now, to flip on the tele, and wrestle with Jimmy.
he said "say it ain't so, your job is a heartbreaker, say it ain't so, my love is a life-taker"

smile wider, rynn.

blogger suck because i can't upload photos.

=(
BOO.

it's raining. tomorrow's monday. i'm missing everyone right now. i've ran out of medicine. and stickies. my new pair of shoes have already been worn. my white dress was dirtied last night. i am speaking about pointless details.

lets reminisce wednesday.
Akmal made me follow him get boxers (wtf) so i followed. Knowing something was up, i brought extra clothes. I know he's up to something because thursday was my birthday and i've never ever shopped with Akmal before. So i followed him, and had to help him choose bloody boxers. I was bored and annoyed because he just had to be so picky in boxers. After he has purchased it, he said he wanted to go home, put his box of boxers at home and then he'll bring me out for dinner. I was frustrated and bored, but i just followed, since he was driving anyway. So we went to his condo. Usually to go to his house, there's this route. But on that day he said there was construction, so we had to go by the other way. I believed him, and my frustration and annoyance was growing. I came to believe that maybe there wasn't any surprise after all. Because akmal was also kind of serious-looking.

Boy, is he an actor.

We walked by the pool, almost reaching his house. Then i heard some very loud red-indian screams, turned my head to my left and saw about a dozen of my friends coming my way. RUNNING my way. The next thing i know, i was in the pool

With my clothes on.

And my bag.

Which contained my extra clothes.

And mp3.

And phone.

And money.

I was soaked! I couldn't believe it. THEY SABO-ED ME!

It was hilarious. Afterwards akmal lent me HIS clothes, so i walked round in men's clothes, and got treated at Pizza Hut, in MAN'S CLOTHES. HILARIOUS.
All of us were happy and joyful and drowning in smiles.

OH thank you guys. Thank you all. SO memorable!

Okay reminisce done.I wanna nap.

He told me the other night when we were debating about the breakup, "spread your wings and soar".

I'm doing just that. Thanks.

He waited since last night at woodlands to meet me, and he stayed waaaaay at the east side. So then this morning at four i got up to get ready to meet him. I came at 6. Sorry shah i made you wait so fucking long. Had some discerning matters to attend to (chey). Then we walked to see the sunrise, and it was a thick bright red-orange sun this morning. He then gave me his gift for my birthday, and he shouldn't have troubled himself doing so, but thank you Shah! Loved it.

Afterwards he came over and we camwhored.

HI!


Traditional.


I have nothing on my tongue. =/


Fuggery


The ultimate mat-minah pose!


Took many many pictures, but i can't possibly upload everything. After that, since we both lacked sleep, ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. We watched videos, sang songs. I had a good time.

Its all great now. Im having loads of fun with loads of fun people. And i refuse to be angry. I don't care what you say. And he who shall not be named; (like voldermort- or whatever the spelling) i'm so over you.

School was shittily tiring. Partly because i've been out and about, busily being shuffled here and there all week, no time really to rest and sleep. So the day went pretty fast, for until the last period which i worried over what i was going to do today. It's friday night for god's sake. I don't wanna stay home friday night. Remee&Asz weren't replying so i guess plans were cancelled.




i am soooo frustrated at blogger! stupid stupid shit. can't upload bloody photos. whats your mofo problem? anyway. i'll just list out today's events.

i woke up at 5, took my phone and saw 37 (i counted) messages wishing happy birthday from all sorts of people. THANK YOU EVERYONE, for putting the effort to actually stay up till midnight to wish me! i really appreciate it.

Then i went downstairs, and met Randy, he told me to meet me at night. So okay, his hair was shitty he obviously just woke up. Haha. He wished me with a big hug and smacker then i went to school. At school the mates sang me a song, ever-so-cutely (!) and showered me with dozenses of gifts. Hana gave me irresistable cookies and a bracelet. Thank you, Hana. Shamin gave me a cute soft teddy bear (to hug in replacement of her when she's not around), thoughtful, thank you shamin. Farah gave me earpiece! Thanks farah, you know i love music! My love gave me a hugeeee card and i loved it, will never lose it, thanks my love. Farah and Shamin gave a combined card, too, which i will never forget about. All in all, they all presented me a box of 6 cupcakes and chocolates (this is shared amongst others too), so thanks everyone!

School went by and before oral Fafa gave me a present. Inside was a hoodie, blue, and when i tried on fitted perfectly. Thank you fafa! And the cookies too, and the note. Then i had MT oral, which went horrendously horrid! Afterwards went home, and set out to go for a dinner with the family.

Aftwarwards i ended up with Farel and Afique, who gave me this very very pretty comfortable home-made dress. Its meant for sleeping in, when those quiet cold nights seep, to protect me and give me warmth when they're not near to provide me it. Thanks you two! Appreciate it loads!

Then Akmal came along with his wife and Celeste. They gave me a box of something, which i soon found out was this pair of fab magnif shoes. I've walked with them and saw those shoes, and said "omg so nice" and i didnt even said i wanted it, but they actually got it for me! Thankssss!

Afterwards i met Randy and he gave me this wonderful handmade wooden frame with a sketch of me and him in it. Along with it came a bunch of my favourite flowers (try guessin) and a super sexy super nice zip-up dress which i didn't even realise i hinted to him some time back. Thank you randy, can't thank enough.

Alright. And to the people who featured me because of this birthday, thanks.
They're JY and Fa

Thanks everyone and if ive missed you out or anything please tell me. im beat.

WHY CANT BLOGGER UPDATE PICTURES?
i'll try again later.

everyone gave me a little bit of everything. well, all but one...
ahh. i still wish...

anyway, THANKS EVERYONE!

AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY RYNN!