“All that I am, or hope to be”

June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 April 2013 May 2013 November 2013 December 2013 February 2014 May 2014 June 2014

i am supposed to fly...


FASHA YOU COULD HAVE ASKED ME FOR HELP
YOU SHOULDNT HAVE DONE THAT YOU KNOW IT HURTS EVERYONE
YOURE DEAD
YOURE MOTHERFUCKING DEAD
I DONT KNOW WHO IM MAD AT
I DONT KNOW IF ITS ME I SHOULD FORGIVE OR YOU
I COULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING
YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME

you could have told me
i would have helped...

give me time to wash my sins. i will come back, i will age. in the past seasons, silence stabbed me too hard. drugs. oh, i regret.
but the darkness of the night will turn to dusk.

look at me, take me back, dont hate too long, as the days pass by, the time, you'll realise, i am only human, creating a show for the world, not that i want to stray off from the script, sometimes i forget my role, im just human, im just human.

"aku manusia, pelakon cerita di pementasan alam ciptaannya, bukan sengaja melanggar arahan kadang terlupa watak dan peranan, aku manusia."

the sun will come. it will be bright. i will see the way.

someone once held me
safe, warm arms. lighting...

everyone didn't think we'd end up together.
of course.
of course we didn't.

we were too much alike.

just once upon a december.

someone once told me love is like a shooting star.
the moment is great. it's like a piece of bright heaven passing.

but only for a while. shooting stars.

A G I T A T E D

SPELL THAT, REMEMBER THAT, TATTOO THAT ON YOUR BLOODY FOREHEAD

A G I T A T E D

i want to know;
do you still feel it at all?

eh, l-o-v-e is a word i'll have to re-learn to pronounce. but i think i should know how, considering it's part of my name, somehow, as referred to by many people now.


so you see, l-o-v-e has to be a word that somewhat belongs to me. now i need the mirror to retain my charisma for pronouncing it.

omg im being so lame


i once believed love burns. now, i believe love has to burn to be true. oh, and it's blind alright. well, at least one eye. I had a long day today. I was tired and sleepy, thanks to my sleepless flightless dumb wasted night. What was i doing anyway? Oh yeah, staring at the ceiling, thinking LOUDLY. But what the heck, it's my comfort zone. So anyway school went okay, with laughters here and there, and Miss Lee having her birthday today. Well, hope she gets all wrinkly by tomorrow!(im kidding)

Oh and by the way, my love(2), HAS ANTS ON HER TABLE. Isn't that the newest coolestest shite yet?

Touche.

I'm tired. I want to skip school. But i shall not.
.must...
pe..
ser....
ve..
re....

AND FOR MY BELOVED CHEESE. cheese, cheer up. I need you. I love you. You're my cheese, man. Cheeses are happy beings. We're cheese. Yes. We laugh and chicken on fields. When you're down, just think of the good ol' days(not so old). It makes me smile sometimes.

Oh look who's talking.

and and by the way, some girl out there is jealous i'm having a real good relationship right now. girl, get a life. you're with him, i know him, he suck big time, but you love him, so, enjoy it while it lasts. cheers.

Still so so madly in love with you, Love.



I really hope nothing goes wrong again. And even if anything does, i'll give my all to stop it. I didn't like what i went through the week of examinations, it was torturous and dysphoric. So full of melancholy. I hated it. But i didn't hate you.

Now all i want is your love. Just that, that's all i ask for, just that one thing. I need to know i'm needed to feel fine. I need to know i'm here for a reason, not just because i am. And for you, i'd do everything so please don't think i'd let whatever be. I'll take things very seriously now. I want to spend senectitude with you.

It's unlike me to stick to one guy for more than a month. For the many past exs, 80% lasted more or less one month. This is different.

Oh it's different alright.

i want to drip and be poured out equally into expensive goblets. i want to smoothly seep into deep empty, ruptured hearts and apertures. i want to be what everyone needs, i want to be needed and wanted and devoured in lustful worship everyday. i want to feel the cold, i want to be the cold, i want to be the hope for a child to live. i want to be water.








and i've also learnt that this hairstyle inspired by Star Wars, causes trauma to people.


AKMAL. 50 BUCKS MAN.

TASK FULFILLED.

AKMAL YOU OWE ME FIFTY BUGGGSSSSSS.
p.s. i will delete this as soon as youve read it so tag me when you have.

THEY SAY
YOU HAVE TO LOSE
TO LEARN HOW TO WIN.

I HAVE FINALLY WON.

tonight i'm going to update on the topic: the environment.
this is to get 50 bucks out of akmal who said if i manage to fulfill the task he'd give me the money for good. akmal. i bet you sense your left back pocket tingling.

p.s. wound from bike accident a week ago; totally healed thanks to $35 lotion.



If he lays a finger on my man.. i'll kill him.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
lol.
oh oh by the way, family photo!
pout, baby. pout without me. hoho.


first there was the one who challenged all my dreams and all my balance,
he could never be as good as you.

Come home soon. I miss you.

you used to be mad about me. here's retribution. here's your turn. here's me. doing the same you did three months ago.

IN REGARDS OF YESTERDAY;
Happy Third Month, beloved.


succumb to temptations, and temptations succumbs you.



Cheered me up BAD! Haha.



still clinging.

Ahhh, i've been playing RE5 all day. Resident Evil 5- limited edition. GOD I LOVE THE GAME SO MUCH. It entitles you to 100% panic and 105% fear and 110% satisfaction when you kill those weaponed mindless zombies(who don't die easily, mind you, and are pretty fast).

This song kept me going. Haha. Here's always by BonJovi. (JonBonJovi is hot.)




I know im a very sentimental person. (bleargh).

And I will love you, baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always
I'll be there till the stars don't shine
Till the heavens burst and
The words don't rhyme
And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind
And I'll love you - Always

Oh love.
I was quite late for the last paper (bio) so i took a cab, only acknowledging that i was not late 5 minutes after being in the cab. Had the paper, nerves wrecking whilst at it because i was going to meet Love right after it. Afraid things would've had changed. I even had the image he'd come dressed as a clown so i'd stop liking him or something. No way that'll ever happen (him wearing a clown suit, and me not liking him).

I rushed to the MRT station, spotted him, and almost cried. There he is. Hotter than ever, hair long enough to cover his eyes, presence strong enough to literally knock me down (which almost happened when an apek rushed past me). Had a long enough hug to write an essay. He held my hand again, gawd how i miss that. Shoulders safe. Shiverssss.

So went home with him to get changed so that afterwards we could watch a movie.

He waited in my room while i got some things done. As soon as i went in, i couldn't help but feel the itching urge to bloody cry. This room. The same room i cried for hours, endlessly, aching and dying to see him, or at least achieve a reply from him, is where he was right then, seated, with my guitar in his hands, the guitar i sang with for endless hours, singing about him, on my bed, the bed i tossed and turned and wept on. He was here where i half-died last week. He was here about 7 hours ago (its 12.48 now). He was here in the flesh.

Oh joy, contain.

We watched Star Trek, got lost somewhere in the middle, and then shivered our way out, where right after we got his brand new loud earpiece (YOU OWE ME TEN BUCKS). Then we went to wherever nearby place it was near my place and sat.

And i clarified things. Told him how much shit he's worth. Srewed my exams, screwed my head. Screwed me. And Fasha. Or Syq. It was horrid, all of it, and now he knows.

Love is back and i like it. I can now finally be myself again, can finally breathe true oxygen, can finally sleep in peace, can finally laugh sincerely, can finally not drag about how shitty it all is to poor beloved helpful good friends. I'm. Happy. He sent me home afterwards, right to the door, and then waited for me to wave at him from under my window(under my block directly at the window), along with our traditional goodbye flying kisses.

When day has ended with Love, i played my brother's all new $128 ps3 Resident Evil 5 with him. I swear i screamed 70% of the time the zombies appeared. They had weapons! Zombies! With mofo weapons! Isn't THAT new!? I couldn't shoot properly, due to the fact that i wasn't very familiar with the weaponry and whatever buttons on the damn controller. But i managed to familiarise with it, and did pretty well, with about 85.6% accuracy.

Ahh, now to wait for wednesday where we will meet again.

it's the fights that keeps us going, it's the hate that keeps us loving. i love you so fucking much, and i dont know just what else to do to prove that to you. we can make this better if we try, we just have to stop assuming, because that's our main cause to disaster. assumptions. i still love you as much as the first night we fell for, and i still want to keep our promises. no matter what you did, or i did, or what people think or say. it's this unbreakable bond. i can't fight it. deep down i know neither can you. that's why we're back. i'll try to be nice. i want to keep up with you. -till senectitude, as promised.

express love.
thanks you guys (you knw who you are) for yesterday's good fun and seesha. (seesha no kick) and it was fun, us laying round and talking and confiding and bitching and gossiping and singing and planning. umm. i'm fine now, the bleeding has totally stopped, i am dreadfully thirsty and drained out with fatigue.

have a good evening and may tomorrow be fine.

I was on my way home. A bike was speeding. An old man was riding it. SO i stopped. But i think he panicked when he saw me. He slowed down, but swerved right at me. Impact was light but it still suck because.
1) he didn't help me up
2) my family didn't pick up calls
3) my friends couldn't do anything because they were home
4) my boyfriend was pissed at me
5) i was bleeding
6) and limping
7) it hurts
8) no cab came
9) an old granny ran away from me
and 10) (beware)

A
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BRAND
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NEW
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UGLY
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PLAY PRETTY FOR BABY

HOT KIDS GATHERING TODAY
PERSATUAN HK (HMF)

the bf's back!

look in my eyes and know i simply had to give up but i didnt let go without struggle you know i still love you its just one of those things.

i have to keep blogging to distract myself. long boring post, grab a cookie or exit.

GBH said he sense the anger and unhappiness within my 'joy'.

I'm trying to hide it. But let's try look at myself. Goods and bads of me. And the neutral bits.

I am patient. I know i am. People would have given up. Blown their heads off. I'm patient, see, good point. What else am i?
Im very detailed. I emphasize on details. Small little things matter to me. I keep memories. The small little things. The last handshake. The last look. The last smile. How people helped me. How i helped them. What they say that hurts. I keep it all. Sentimental.
I'm sensitive and temperamental. I get happy by the smallest things, i laugh at the lamest stuff, and i get saddened by tiny little objects, fast. I heal fast and i wound fast. Easily hurt, and easily moving on. I also, unfortunately, expect care from people. Im quite deprived of confidence and self-esteem, so i always need someone to cling to. Someone stable enough to handle a non-stable person. Which is me. Im unlucky and lucky both at once.

Its like im an extreme. Im at the ends of two different poles. Im a contradicting mass of emotions and thoughts.

When i was young, aged 2, and hungry, i wanted milk. My mum took a long time making the milk as she was handling my brother. I was irritating her, wanting that milk so much. She screamed at me.

Right now, I still don't drink milk.

As a baby, i loved the pacifier. My mum didn't like it. She put salt on it. After that i hated the pacifier. I threw the pacifiers whenever mum gave it to me to make me happy when i cried.

This character is in me since young. This phobia-ic character. Where once i'm done, im done. I still do that. It's part of me. I tried getting rid of this habit but i could not. Its like etched. The thing that makes part of my skin.

ive learnt a lot about myself due to whats happening.
and a lot about real friends, those who really want to see me happy,
and those who try to 'help' for their own benifit.

its all surfacing.

midnight tonight.
the results for the two and a half month's worth of tests.
i cant say i didn't try.
i don't know which is worst.
to know or to not know.

everyone around me; my friends.
they tell me i deserve better.
people can give their opinions
but what do they know?

if its negative, i'll cry.
not because i've lost.
but because i wasted time and flunked my exams and disappointed many beings because of this and it's all just not worth it. but someone told me there's no use crying over spilled milk. the milk i spilled.

god, why do i even try.

Gonna dance and think of him no more,
Never never understand the words i wrote,
Nevermind a heart that's broken right?
He can never be mine
Something that i do - is i fight
I'm indifferent to you
I've got nothing for you.

this is core editting!
im his number one fan man.
omg.
coolness.
look.
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.makes me laugh in hysterics all the time! hahahahaha


.....









im getting pissed.

i fell for an asshole.

shamin said im a jerk magnet
SHES RIGHT
i attract lotsa jerks.

hoho way to go shamin!

See? shrivelled and cracky and old and dark and decomposing.

just like hope.

why did i beg? god. face down on the filthy toilet floor.

okay, so its over. GUYS, ITS OVER.

more importantly;

RANDY! ITS OVER! im all yours. (as if)

i'll get over him like i got over Faz and Hakim. The only two souls that actually really hurted me. But at least me and Hakim arent as bad as me and Faz now. As in, we can still talk.

So maybe someday Faz will talk to me.

speaking of him, his brother, Fariz, well, HIS BIRTHDAY IS TOMORROW! SO
HAPPY BIRTHDAY FARIZ
17 17 17 17 17 17 17 17 YEARS OLD!

the breakup will leave me open for more oppurtunities. Fa said i always have a brightside, so this is it; oppurtunities.

YAYE. oh and i love my classmates. theyre there.







So this is it?
Blood, sweat and tears to get to this?
I fought to stand here, i belong here.
Time...
Countless hours put in, sleepless nights.
It's cliche but i'm here to stay
Every attempt to knock down this door i'm at
Won't hit the ground
It's been a journey, but im doing okay
With a heart of faith on some pretty bad days
I'm here... now i'm here.
And i'm gonna win you over like it's my last shot
do my best cus its all that i've got
I've worked too hard to stay in the dark
The spotlight's on me
I stand before you, unexposed, emotions poor through
Breathe in the moment, take it all in
Giving it all that i can give
I find myself
With arms up in the air and knees on the ground
So close to giving up, hold my hand and lift me up
Smile
Cus' it will take you a thousand miles,
Make you forget the rain, no such thing as pain.

And i'm gonna win you over like it's my last shot, do my best cus it's all that i've got.
Giving it all that i can give.

(IF YOU GUYS WNA HEAR THE SONG, tell me. I've recorded it. hoho shameless.)

giving it all i can give.
and still failing miserably.

but you know what, brightsides!

Theres ALWAYS a brightside!

I have planned my after mid-year plans to see that bright side-li-ness.

1) HOTKIDS. We shall reign and remain!
2) Classmates! We shall enjoy once in a while!
3) MATT! WE CAN FINALLY SING AND GUITAR FOREVER!
4) Fiqqy! Let's hang. =)
5) Shah & Syida! I'll be waiting...
6) Asz and Rem! Few of the best buds i owe a chill with.
7) Fariz... YES FARIZ. I still owe you bigtime.
8) My family. We need to bond.
9) Izwandos. I need a dose of the Izwandos. (Tyr & R&D)
10) B-Ys; we shall laugh our asses off once more.
11) Angels<3,>
12) Martyn, i still owe you that drink.
13) Shay: A huge hug and your chocolates.
14) The Ninies! (feat. MdNorAfiq, Qayyum, Aizat, Akmal, & the rest)
16) Akmal. Drop by to "check on me" more often! (gaming)
17) Rangers! (AfiqYadiy, Haziq, Herman, Rey & Syidah) Lets tan and splash around.
18) Fasha & Hafiz; I will be there this time and not cancel out.
19) Zack, Endifi, Sharry & Issaac! MUST START JAMMING.
20) Ok, lastly, I owe Piqy the best thing a Kitt could ask for. Have not figured out yet...

All plans provided all involved are free, available, and interested.
But first things first; MUST STUDY. MUST FLY IN RESULTS. FOR MYE.!


The Art of Crying
Mastered.

Someone once sang me this song whenever i was sad, whenever i wanted to cry. He's no longer there for me, but this song still cast an effect so deep, i feel he's still singing it to me wherever he is right now.
Here's Don't Cry by Guns N Roses. (lyrics)



Difficult times. I'm still around, i'll always be. I know it's not very convincing, but i will be there. You just have to tell me where. I'll come. I will, i came for others, i will come for you. Besides, you're supposed to be more important.

And life goes on.

I have to say, the make up was exaggerating. We were doing a train on a project of a Prostitution ad, to discourage young teens like us from selling our bodies for money. So here's the shooting photos. Recieved today.

Haha to The Lips - Credits To Maya.

Blood Meets Lipstick - Duncan Lim


Remember this? This was me about an hour ago.
and now.

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hello concave...

o
oo
ooo
oooo
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oooooo
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ooooooooo
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ooooooo
oooooo
ooooo
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ooo
oo
o






So is this it? I look forward to Fridays. But today is the most boring day all through the week. Why am i home? Oh, of course, i know why. Nobody to outs with. Great, just great.

i find myself
with arms up in the air and knees on the ground
so close to giving up
hold my hand and lift me up
smile..
cause it'll take you a thousand miles
make you forget the rain
no such thing as pain

i love you, don't be so pulled down... there's more to life.
i love you, i love you. and i wish you knew.

I




















wanna disappear

in reality i keep looking, in sleep i keep dreaming, who is he, what is he doing?
if i were given a diamond stone i'd pick your smile over it
if i were given the world, i'll give it as a gift to you
of all the stars that sparkle, you shine the brightest
amongst millions, the eyes stare, they look,
but i'll never let you sink in their menacing glares.

Everything you love. I like it too, even though it scares me sometimes. You're not here now, but i'll be just fine, and when i'm with you,

we can sit, we can talk about butterflies.

and if i love you a little more than i ever should... i'm sorry.

he chooses my clothes, picks our movie, then brings me hand-in-hand to the show. he lifts up his smile, to light up my life, and make sure we're always strong enough to pass through.
noone told me i was going to find you, unexpected what you did to my heart. when i lost hope, you were there to somehow remind me, this is only the start. remember everything now? i remember. i remember when i first saw you. when we first met. our first words. i remember our first show, our first connection. our first love.

*DROPS TO ONE KNEE* will you... will you... will you... *bang* - faints.

I AM EXCITED TO SEE THE MID YEARS END.
and i am so not excited for my birthday again. (painful memories)

i need someone to rub my neck, massage my back, de-stress my head and pull the covers up for me before i sleep. SS was a hand-killer, my fingers ache and my wrist feels like breaking. My neck is stiff and sore, and i have another ulcer down my throat i developed fully about 5 minutes ago.

I hope i can create good stories for tomorrow. Oh and thanks everyone for the support.

ILoveLove.

I'm blogging.
WHY AM I BLOGGING?
oh dear me, forgive myself for blogging, i cannot resist this urge to blog.
the warmth of the laptop...
the soft clicky sound it makes...
i have to touch it. feel it. rape it.
sensation is overwhelmingly good. like a relief. orgasmic euphoria~

right, so back to the question.
WHY AM I BLOODY BLOGGING RIGHT NOW? i have two bloody chapters to revise for tomorrow's SS paper, and here i am, BLOGGING. I can't help it i guess.

BLOGS ARE EVIL.

So here comes some days of sleepless nights, where studying shall be done, not blogging, and where i shall learn and memorise things that i never bothered and should have about, and start concentrating and focusing so i could at least achieve a bloody B for all subjects. By at least, i meant the minimum i should ever score for anything to be like 60. Not 6.

Okay, so now that's basically it. Oh and oh yeah i can't forget, in the bloody morning today, Frah and me had to take a ride on the merry-go-round at 7/11. Thanks farah, thanks a lot.

And and not to forget too, i got punched in the lower cheek yesterday. Stupid stalker.

now, back to where i should be. got tonnes to revise. or study. whatever.
yes, on the bloody floor people. Much riches i have, what i lack is a bloody study table.

If i were to set up a romantic ambience, it would be emprised by a dangerously setting sun, where movements are only visible by dark shadows against the light. And the breeze will be strong, voices will be blown off by it. But it's not the lips that speak, so that's okay. Then a couple would be dancing and fluttering away, as if they have wings attached, about to fly off with the wind true to their deep passionate romance that etches in their heart so deep it might explode into a million dagger-sharp opus.

I'm a dreamer.. I want 6 kids.

I am feeling a whole lot better today, though maybe perhaps a little bit queezy, but less pukalicious compared to the other days. Oh and my hair sucks. I cut it short. SO get ready, people, to see me tomorrow with funny short hair. i warned you!

why did i cut it you ask?

lazy. fullstop.

i earned $16 from friday. Isn't that fantastic? Now let me update about Duncan. He's a great make up artist (even though he is our photographer) because his make up was impeccable. Flawless. Such that i thought he has perfect complexion, but when i asked he spoke truth.

So i have to learn from him. The tall yellow chap with like, seven-ish camera equipments to drag along everywhere he goes, and a charm bracelet that belonges to his ex-girlfriend(who passed away due to some sort of cancer), who is our new photographer, is ALSO a make up artiste.

And that testicular voice? Still testicular.
Muahahaha it's always funny.

i guess we just can't seem to part. it's too difficult, we're like starcrossed. no matter how much we don't want to be with each other. we'd always need us, again, in the end.

what is this? fate? if it's fate, i am quite thankful, at the same time afraid.

we fight, we make up, we love, then we repeat the cycle again. it's the nights isn't it. those long lonely nights, and those anger-filled disastrous night affairs. but in the end, it still equals to one thing, which is the undeniable strength of this love.

it's pretty much unbreakable.

everyday when we say our goodnights, i wonder;

will you still love me in the morning?

keep smiling, rynn. you know you can.

so i went to the doctor, i told him my heart will break if i couldn't see you.
he just gave me some pills.