“All that I am, or hope to be”

June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 April 2013 May 2013 November 2013 December 2013 February 2014 May 2014 June 2014

once we've got the money and the dreams, where do we go?
i was staring at the ceiling and thought, what if one day, we've gotten everything we wanted, and dreamt of, have the money, have the food on the table, the everything.. what would we be then? will we turn to nothing?

evaporate into air and eventually be just dust in the wind that has accomplished its goal in fulfilling its own goals?

what to do when we have it all? nothing to appreciate anymore. sometimes, i think nothing really matters. we all live, and then die in the end. but as the saying goes;

born to blossom, bloom to perish.

which also means we will somewhat get to the peak of our lives, and die out. but we can't live so perfectly like some flower blooming away and wilting beautifully. we have errors too. i realised i've made lots of mistakes in life, but doesn't everybody?

I'd like to dedicate this to all the good people that surround me. You guys have been there, literally, and i can't help but feel greatful towards all of you. Please remember, you're very much appreciated, and i love you people. this is what it is. when you've gotten everything in life, and don't know what else to achieve...

you can still strive for the love.
(not implying that i have it all)

Let's keep looking at the brightside.

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I HATE YOU SO MUCH, I COULD TAKE A KNIFE AND BLOODY STAB YOU IN THE BALLS.

Regarding the title: IT IS FARAH'S hand!

Why, you ask?

because she actually used her hands to pick salted fishes. and she swore it stinks, so i bet she didn't wash her hands. ..haha okay that's just a sideline.

So, Mr.Gay my photographer has decided he couldn't handle so many girls at once, and here comes a new photographer, Duncan Lim.

Welcome to the world of prissy princessy spoilt girls (excluding me, duh) who obsess over pink and their cup size. Welcome aboard to the world of photography, where you will succeed in (i hope) snapping fabulous shots of the Prissy Ladies.

So i had to call him up, to confirm day and time for practice shooting because somehow, Mr.Gay realised i'm not as prissy and giggly as the other girls (me and Dee, that is) and decided i get to choose the time and day. When he (Duncan Lim) answered the phone however, i had a shock of my life.

Guy sounded like his voice chord was located in his testes.

I swear it's the lowest voice i've ever heard my entire life. Oh, and the ACCENT. Boy, is his tongue ALSO located in his balls? I was containing the laughter that was about to explode out of me. Thank god i managed to put the phone aside and run to the bathroom to scream out a laugh.

Testes + Voice + Farah's fishy hands = Funny.

I've changed my name, people. It's now Love. Because so many people are starting to call me that. Probably because i keep saying the swingy 80's Shakespear-ey phrase; "my love" a lot. But i like it.

"Hello, love."
"Oh, hello my good man, hello my good lady."
"Love, you're so loved."

Okay i should stop. More like, dream on.

The day was quite awesome. I had a very light day in school, the dragginess wasn't exaggeratingly harsh... Yeah, good day. The weather was hot earlier the day, but gradually it became better. I went home, and carried on with blueprints A and B on The Great Patchup Plan, and scribbled a letter with fake tears and pasted all the photos on the walls. Was extremely tiring. But thanks to Brother i managed to complete the task. After that we scrambled out of the house before they came home.

Then, i puked, people. I actually PUKED. I felt the saliva secreting drastically into my mouth, and my stomach numb and my head spinnish. Was desperate for a toilet after swallowing some mints and my medication, THINKING it would help. Once toilet was located, i went in the cubicle, shut the door, and barely made it to the bowl (okay, so the distance wasn't so huge but i was on the brinks of exploding into a puke-tasticular disaster). It was horrible.

Oh anyway, me and my brother decided to be nice kids and purchased the groceries. When we came home we saw hugs and open arms coming onto us.

I hope it worked.

no, we do not have a solution to everything. it's all just a past, the problems, and whatever is hanging now... let it. hurty, painful, sickening, regretting, so be it. HANG IT i tell you. hang it high so the world could see. draw it on your bloody foreheads, streak it across your threadless chest. its truth, veracity, let the world know. they'd know in the end anyway.

pfft. stop the war.
war kills innocent lives.
big wars with bombs and guns and tanks
and small wars.. with words and hate and spit.

my favourite flower aint no rose.
it is, in fact, daisies. white and pure.

I leave it up to God's hands. Mine are filthy enough to draw out my entire life on the Wall Of China. Days are hot and mundane, thank god for the liveliness from friends. And him. Else i'd be a rotten rotting dingbat.

I'm heading to that old river again soon. I hope it brings me much inspiration to liven up the melodic tune i've lost due to catastrophic tragedies.

OH and by the way, do you know that leeches don't need a partner to reproduce? IT HAS SEX WITH ITSELF. Amazing.

eye to eye.

the last little pinkie finger,
interwined around each other.
a child's hope, growing up.

a broad smile, a certainty promised.
soaring high, the cool fresh air.
two hearts set assured,
a love set to be stronger.

10 000 000 000 000 THANK YOUs to FAFA.

picture has no relevance to what i'm about to say.

why one crooked mess after another?

pity me, pity my brother, pity us all. we're all humans with feelings, you're not the only one. no doubt, you do a lot for us, a whole truckload of things, but what we truly want is to just be happy as one. if this is really going to happen i wouldn't be in singapore.

i dont want that. i have much to live with here.

but if it does, then maybe if im over there i'd be open to more oppurtunities. and more... them. but think back, all those memories. aren't they even a slight bit precious? 17 years together, all ends? sure, i realise you have been grudging for four years now.

dont keep it. throw out all those. remember them, sure, but don't combine everything together. the big lump is horrible for everyone of us. think of the children.

when you divorce, the kids divorce too. and i know its weird that im saying it as if i'm a third party, but i'm trying to not be so affected. i may not have been the best child, but i try my best not to disappoint you.

even though i did something totally disappointing, any parent would've killed me (WHICH YOU TRIED). but if it happens. i'd just like to say thank you, for everything. you have supported me thick and thin, helped me through, built me up to the person i am now, changed me, told me what's right and what's wrong...

i will not show any emotion.

goodbye, happy sweet-natured me.

hello darkness, i see we meet again.

boyfriends. what are they? they are companions of women (and sometimes men), and plays a role of someone who is always there for her. One that would shove his shoe in another man's throat if he were to harm her. One to help her, guide her, in any way he could. One that acts five times more caring, loving, and a hundred times more protective, than an ordinary good friend. Boyfriends are always there, never leaving her alone, always filling in the empty holes. always guarding her, emotionally, physically. someone who'd hold her hand and walk with her out into the light after being in the dark so long. someone who sees her angelically beautiful no matter how she actually looks like. who'll always try to make her smile. give her everything, because she is special, and nothing else is worth so much, even her weight in gold. who'd run a thousand miles, who'd break and ache and cry and die for her. someone, who connects with the soul. someone who'll love her.

and here's me, trying to do it all by myself. i might as well be my own boyfriend now. it is time folks, for me to grow that thing under my skirt.

the day you slipped away

webcams dont do justice when showing true colours.

it will all only end when the last leaf of the last tree dries up and drifts away.
I HAVE AMAZING FRIENDS.

Why didn't i see that? I guess love made me pretty blind there.

Therefore, I woke up blind. Literally. Half blind anyway. My left eye was swollen and red, it was like i was a one-red-eyed ghost or something. My right eye was perfectly fine. The left was probably adopted from a horror flick.

I rested and finished up a bottle of eye drops to moisturize the dry cracking eye. All my veins in the eye was popping and bloody. Like my eye was a nuclear bomb about to explode and leave us all evaporating into death.

But anyway towards the evening i went out to study. It was okay, a little crowded, but we had some laughs. We really studied okay. Fa, Evelyn, Syq, Azimah, Elfac, (Wifee paitiao) and then asrizal came when we were about to end. Then i went home, and The Izduanwes were already here.

I swear i broke into blind panic.

Then Tyra stepped forward and gave me a hug. She cried when she saw me, so like the chain reaction it is, i cried too. Resulting in ultra-confused parents. We all went in and all the kids went to my brother's room to chill. We talked for a bit till Dad decided he should bring them to a place to stay so they left and now i'm updating this. Boy, R&D sure has bloomed and blossomed and all the other words alike.

I'm too late. Damn, i suck. I held the bracelet, and he told me to keep it; in the coldest, saddest tone ever. He insists on meeting Zim.

i refuse to think how fucking different it is now. i want to look at the bright side and get it over with. theres no point in thinking back anymore.

Well anyway, i can't explain right now how i really appreciate my friends. They're like there so much i feel so good again. Like running in a storm, and everyone has a blanket, but mine flew off. They all tore a little part of theirs, and combined as one, it makes up a bigger blanket for me, more shelter, more comfort, more warmth.

Lovely.





" I dont care from whatever angle you see me from, whatever position, even if you're on top of the world and i'm down below. Let them be more beautiful than angels, nothing will change my heart. Now the love left is two dimensional. Now you're just a scar written on my heart. That wonderful sight, it's now extinghuished, the one that you pictured once for me. Now all that's left is just this empty space. This silence."

They always say things happen for a reason. Well, then maybe this is for a better reason. For the gains of all of us. Maybe I might be better off somewhere else. There is still hope. Lots of it. I'll get through this just like i got through the rest. I just wished you cared more. But thats okay. Lots of people care. It's just a waste, that all this,is dumped to nothingness. However it's still okay. Learning points. We shall all learn and live and continue doing so.

Its the only choice we have. To live.

words to keep me going, words i got and never forgot.

"your smile means more to the world to me. just your smile." - Qayyum.
"nothing is more precious than a good friend with such sincerity." - Afiq
"i want to have your hope. your hope is strong." - Tyra
"you're like a star. only brighter." - Aizat
"nothing compares to spending just a minute with you." - Fasha.
"if the sea and the shore parts, i'd still have the sky. you. " - Ziq
"i'd change everything so nothing hurts you anymore." - Akmal
"nobody can replace you" - Shaydah
"you're alive for many reasons, you're alive partly for me." - Martyn
"i'd accept you no matter what you do and who you are" - Shamin
"with you dark and light" - Sharry
"you are the bravest person i've met for going through all this" - HX
"i'm behind you all the way. " - BH

"i'll be there whenever" - all the good friends.

HOW COULD I EVER LOVED THIS MAN?

and all the plans i made in my life
its all nothing. just plans... just plans.

feel bad for using something once and throwing it away? re-use.
I hate today. Firstly it was scorching hot, i was dehydrated and plummeting down to hyperventilating. I was dying, it was burning since morning all the way to now.

Then the test results came for my combined science, and both are single-digit failures. Horrible? More to come.

I was pissed because i was forced into doing something i didnt want to do. Then Poor B-y tried to teach me some maths during remidial and i completely broke down. I couldn't take it. So much pressure in just a day.

BUT WAIT, more to come. Could it get any worse?

I met Zim, and we didn't even get to spend proper time together. For a second month's 'celebration'. MY FOOT. It was horrible, so there. And i re-read a text saying he'd cheer me up, sent before we met, but he really didnt. He was puking away, and i was still miserable.

Then we decided to go home early from his friend's place because he was sick. So i called people to meet because i didn't want to go home yet, because i was hoping maybe someone would rub off the misery away. So then i met R&D.

And it got worse. All the memories, all the stupid fuckety memories, and all those dug up emotions resurfaced. And there i was. Then, i decided to go home, because i couldn't take a second longer seeing the world. So i took a bus.

And dropped at the wrong place. So i had to walk forever to find my way home. A bloody 45minute walk. And so i reached home, thinking maybe my family might cheer me up.

But i came home to an empty house of emptiness. Where did everyone go?

WELL WHO KNEW.

loveless today. wishing, some bloody nice friend would actually try to cheer me up or something. wish i'd have that swingy 80s romance i always wanted. wish i had some hope, some nice fluffy warm feeling inside.

BUT NOOOOO. =(

here's to me and zimmy's second monthsary. =)


So lift your cig, and drag as you think of a plan,
To hide it all away, how could she ever love this man?

i wanna be an angel again, somehow.

god please, make something of me.

To taggers:
Musawifeeeee: Aww, man, imyt siuhh. Tsk.
Akmal: No worries. You're still just like a brother.

Here are some late pictures taken on saturday. be prepared for unglam shots of my love. So anyway, the whole thing was planned by farah, but she didn't go in the end, leaving us three, but we had fun. And i kinda enjoyed it. Its been a while i went out with friends, have a drink and just talk and waste some time and shop.



Unglam, eating her Takopachi(or something like that)


Yes, that's my little sister. Blue eyes, pale skin and all. Adopted. =)

I can't believe how i developed this

thing

for this person who is beyond exegesis, and from a different planet altogether. i'm sure if a single soul knew about this... uhm, sub rosa clandestine, i'd be either be plopped down into heaven, or sky-dived into hell.

well anyway, day went fine. the classic, archetypic schoolday that inundates us all into deep boredom and drowsy somnifacient. i have nothing to say here. give me a sec to recollect events of this telluric day.

we used laptops for english. we slacked off in bio. .....,oh yes!

Fel brought Twister, yes the game, to school today. Causing a chaotic air of galvanized 4/3ians. There was much screaming and laughter and subverting. I guess that was fine. However i am deprived of text messaging and calling, with a phone plundered of all it's useful functions. uhh, I'm probably causing your eyes weary and your head stir and your mouth drool with this meaningless emotionless typical boring entry.

so long.

happily lost in my own trail of thoughts.
leave me to it will you.

Southern sky, Northen Sun






when i lost hope, you were there to remind me this is only the start
always hurts aye?



pietism? HAHA. repugnancy! bte noire,people,

bte noire.

yes, P.O.P.!
what's that gotta mean? Peak - of - Perfection.

Today, has gotta be the best Monday ever. I went to school deciding to be happy and ignoring all shitass disturbances. The day breezed fast, till maths period came. And then came probability paper results.

Holyfuck, i got a flying fuckety A fucking ONE! 20 out of a motherfucking 25! Which also means i am excused from maths remedial this Wednesday!

Sorry for the vulgarities, i cannot contain my joy and surprise. Because i suck at maths. Because i didn't exactly burn the midnight candle studying. Because i didn't believe i could even PASS a bloody bloodsucking math topic. I am somewhat, glad.

But more to the day. Mrs.Chan, oh, beautiful Mrs.Chan, could not conduct Biology Remedial today. Which means school ends at 1.45. Which also means I don't have to meet love at 4. Which, more coincidentally than not, also means i can spend more time with him. And boy, did I.

It's now that same old fluttery feeling. The kind when you just fell in love. Like a start of something new. That fluttery flattered protected newly-in-love feeling. Even though it's not new. Never been stronger. Oh, so strong yes? We feel perfect again. Complete. Out of the storm with a new maneuver to survive through. We played some songs over the guitar, lay on the cold hard cement to watch the 'never ending' supply of stars, talk about everything related and unrelated to anything... Gave me a nice head and back massage.. Oh, heaven. Thank you God, for today's blessings.

I hope he gets well. I pray his immune system boosts a tinie winie notch up. I also, with all my heart, wish this would last. This great feeling. On Mondays. Incredible.

And as for B-Y, i'm sorry im lack of words to say. I don't know how to handle this push-hatred further thing.. To defend, protect, help, cover you, i am all up for it. But to hurt more... Not my nature.

And life is a road I wanna keep going,
Love is a river i wanna keep flowing
Life is a road, now and forever,
wonderful journey.

And in the end, i wanna be standing, at the beginning. With you.

I watched Knowing. It's a nice show, except the ending was scournfully unattractive. However if i were the producer, i would not be able to convey the message without that ending. At least they took the effort to make the spaceship beautifully diamondised, rather than the typical flying saucer with 1001 windows of glaring light. Anyway, the show was scary, as it has a lot of intriguing factors that really coincide inside of me. Like the day it all ends? That scares me so bloody much. More than ghosts, oh, 10000 times more than ghosts.

Which, speaking of, i just kinda encountered. You see, i decided to not waste my Sat night, and wanted to stay up all night. Like till now. I was at the living room watching crappy shows and falling asleep slightly, when i shook awake, and stared blankly for like 15 minutes. Then i brushed my teeth and decided to clean up a bit, so i went to the ktichen to throw my can of RB away. Then i saw it.

It was a white cloth on the floor.

I was intimidated slightly, but i resumed and here i am.

Though i wonder...

love is not for three.



i should'nt let things suck so much, even though they do.

i must focus on something very very hard to achieve. i want to feel fulfilled. we'll see what i can do. studying is just not my thing, but i know i will bullet through the last few days of non-o-level-sitting. i know i will get through somehow.

i need something more real.
no, more unreal.
i want some excitement happening. i want to squeel and squirm and hop inside. it's like, right now, the sea has no waves.

soo boring.

i'm cramping up and shrivelling over like nobody's business. the people at home are like mimed clowns, all performing their wonderful acts of nothingness. i'll keep up with that. and i know people think i'm just being an emotional nuisance, but try putting yourself in my shoes. wait, i don't think you'd even want to do that. however pathetic you are, on the scale of rynn to normal in terms of patheticism, you'll never come to the point of being me. never.

i am so full of drama. my life can be made into a series. i wish i had a normal, boring, airy life. i want breeze.

we'll keep our promise.
oh no, nothing changed, i still love you.
we'll put through everything right?
help me fix my mess.

You know, viewing everything as a third party, i really feel like screaming out loud, at both their mistakes. both of them just never learn.

they'll keep away from themselves, refuse to talk to each other, and then when i'm with them, they'd express the whole shitload to me. excuse me, i think i'm a little too young. i don't know what to do. i'm clueless, im immature, i'm raw, uncooked, partial.

however i know how to think. at least you don't see me running to you to tell all my problems. i brood over them myself then snap back to reality and at least i don't scream at people and retreat by exiting from the house and going some place to read newspapers or smoke the lungs off. i don't know why, but i don't think i have either of your characteristical traits. i swear i will not end up like you two. juggling with yourselves. get a blog or something, then there'd be a place for you to express yourself.

the female tells EVERYONE about this, friends, family, me. the male tells me only. why me? and whats the worst? they never ever think of what i feel about this. if only i had enough courage to tell them. but i find that rude. to intrude their problems. even though i am part of them.

i just wish maybe someday these things would be resolved. i'm sick of you screaming round, i'm sick of your lame excuses, i'm sick of not eating proper food and i'm sick of locking myself in my room. i know i can talk to you two but your minds would never change. you two are fighting for your rights, and i here i am feeling like i should totally give up. i don't think we could ever resolve this. it has happened too many times, same mistakes, all 'brand new' repitition.

dont you remember the happy days? the happy days makes me sad. but anyway whatever you do, please remember..


you still have two living children. don't take us for advantage, we are more fragile than you can ever imagine. i know both of us have only been keeping quiet. you dont hear the sound of our earpieces and stereos blast. oh, of course you don't. you only hear yourselves.






R&D called. i was exhausted after my depression-and-stress-off-me-now-run at Mcritchie's, when the phone rang with an unrecognised, long, foreign number. i thought it was some wrong number pressed thingie, but i picked up anyway.

then. the first word.

Rynn. no quetion mark, no hello, nothing.
Yes? This is? i could feel anxiety rise in me.
I'm leaving town. I'm coming down again.

then i knew who it was.

Is Tyra coming with?
Yeah.
When?
Tomorrow.
What!?
I want to talk to your boyfriend.
Why? anxiety level rose by a notch more.
I want to be sure he's the right one.
Oh R&D come on.
Just don't want you to get hurt.
Bam, damage done.
What?
Oh nothing.
Yeah right.
No, really.

Then dad interrupts, looking concerned because i probably looked like a serial killer was whispering what he was going to do to me, Rynn, who's that?
R&D.
Oh, *chucklechuckle* they're coming again. Things to settle. You see in business, *blablabla*
Yeah hold on Dad.

R&D?
Still hookin'.
Fly safe.
Okay. Don't keep on running.
How did you know?
I know everything.

pause.

I'll see you.
You will. Misses.
Take care.
You too.
Bye

Things are so awkward, gawd. How could this happen. Ahhh nevermind.
I want to meet love. (zimmy in case you're wondering.) And i dont know what reason to give to make him and R&D meet. This is going to be war.(by that i mean the decision)

this is piqy! im just randomly updating because she sat on by butt and i thought maybe i should show how much she has grown. and how my hair has spoiled. p.s. don't mind me, i just woke up and i look horrible.

hello world~!

stay tuned! meowwww!

she's so cute right! (oh my sleepy face)


im not at work because i have to attend a checkup.
i should have seen the glaring bright light calling for me. gawd, how pathetic. i refused to go there, i wanted to stay in the darkness and wait. stupid, stupid me.

the overwhelming amount of people who cares! even though they may not know much... i am so thankful. losses, and gains. i can't name them all, but i'd like to say a chunk of thanks to my classmates and fiqqy and syida!

syida actually came over immediately the other day while i was rolling on the bed crying with like a thousand sheets of used tissue scattered on my bed. she came! she made me feel a lot a lot better. thank you syida!

my classmates. they just LOOK at me, and they actually KNOW just what to say! some of them tried to console me out of this, this mess, and i thank them all for that. some gave me pats on the back, reminding me that they're still there. yesterday was english oral, and i had to go off first, and everyone there actually didn't mind. and one of the B-Y even sat me down to talk to me about it. i am thankful.

and as for the other B-Y, i'm so sorry i couldn't do anything when i saw him. he's a wiseass and i wish i could stuff my dirtied-by-soccer shoe in his mouth and screw his eyes with my filthy fingers, i really wish i could. maybe someday okay. and don't worry, for as long as i am alive i'd try to be with you on fridays where we'd somewhat accidently come across him okay. (damn he's an arse)

ahhh, now the brightside is within sight! i want to gather back all my friends. all my friends, by that, means all. because i do need them. badly. i need to handle a lot of people to feel content. i cannot just have like, 2 or 3 friends. it makes me feel uncapable. lonely.

and as for zimmy. right, here's the news everyone's been waiting for. it's like people are so interested in what happens to us, some track about us more than i do. well...
....
.....
......
.......
........
.........
..........
.........
........
.......
......
.....
....
we're fine. =)
really. still in love. well, on my side anyways.
i wish mum and dad would talk.
cheerio.

i want to scream.

i want to scream so loud that everyone would stop and look at me. i want to tell my story by one glance in the eyes and leave an impact so strong people break down with it. i want to fly and prove how superior i can be.

and yet.

i am nothing. i am just an inhaling, exhaling, pretentious freak, denying the veracities at all costs, even though they shallow upon my skin like black paint splattered over white canvas. dirty. that's how i feel. like innocence was ripped away, and hope, it's as if it has been buried six feet under.

part of me died.

but then this only gives reason for new hope to build. to find new people, new life, new sights, new views. new feelings. then a change happens again, and i suspect a recurrence in situations. like now. so then i am stuck and gravity is pulling me oh so strongly down i feel like sinking into the ground.

somebody help me.

i scream and a hero comes to the rescue. but the hero does not know what to do. the hero does not know how to handle me. he does not know what to say, what to do to heal me. or maybe he does. but he has yet to show it. the hero makes me cry. but he is still a hero. tall, dark, handsome. kind. cape and all.

my mind is blocked.

i cannot think, i can only breathe. and even that has obstructions to it, problems invading the airpipe. sometimes i wish i could stop breathing for once and for all but then i think of the rest of my body dying to feel the rush of oxygen, and i start inhaling again. i dont know how to sit for tests and exams whereby i cannot even concentrate on typing this down. my mind is running off. fast.

i wish my friends are here. i wish my boyfriend is here. i wish my mum, my dad is here. i wish everyone bothers about me and not take how i am feeling as just another state. i wish they wouldn't envy me one tiny bit because i'm the most imperfect being the universe could offer. i wish everyone realises all the tiny things they throw at me, the tiny criticisms, the tiny disapprovals and disappointments actually add up to this whole gigantic lump of black. just black.

i wish somebody would hear me scream.
and take the scream away from me.

The Cancer’s first love is its home and family. They love to nurture those around them. No sacrifice is too large to ensure their home is secure and their loved ones are safe and happy. They are very kind and sharing. Cancers are also very moody, and often retreat into themselves to regenerate, or sometimes sulk. The quickest way for them to rebound from such moments is to do what they do best: nurture others.Cancers can be very iron-willed and like to have things their way. They are very sensitive to slights and hurt easily. When pained Cancers will retreat into themselves and brood. Although generally they do not like confrontation, Cancers are not above seeking revenge against those that hurt them. Cancers are compassionate and freely show their affection for others. They will set their problems aside to assist others in solving theirs. Being extremely intuitive, they often know what is upsetting someone without being told. They are great communicators and can often help those in trouble with just a few words.Overall, Cancers are quite gregarious. They love to socialize with their friends and family. Their need to care for those in their circle makes them an asset to any family.

how true is this thing?
i think i sneezed more than 50 times today.

gullible.
yep, that's me.

you say jump, i say how high.

always willing to, but always inflicting self-damage. but of course i think about it first. though there's no point. i'd do it anyway. because if it makes you happy, then i'll feel good at least.

now i have noone to turn to.
mom, im sorry. you must be terribly sad im such an idiot.

i need help. i need help. i need help.

pale. dead.