“All that I am, or hope to be”

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sicksicksicksicksicksicksicksicksicksicksick. i didnt turn up for school because i'm like "a suffocating frog, a suffering dog shitting razorblades."

last saturday i had my surgery, which i have to pay for by myself, and it bloody hurts so much. my lungs are practically dying away, whisking its unhealthiness to other parts of me. breathing has never caused so much pain then, with tubes in and out and in and out of me. but paying it for myself hurts more. and i can't believe i cried yesterday while with love. so unglam. but i guess i couldn't take it. now, i feel like doing the same again, after one helluva nightmare. or was all that veracity reenacted? i hope not. i feel dead inside and dead out. my temperature has stepped on a pretty sweet 39 degrees, and i am so glad it has because that's how high it should be right now. like they say, get high when you're low. so now, let the aching begin.

Whose fault and who's to blame
Doesn't really matter nothing's ever gonna change
It's not working any more

I WISH YOU WERE NEVER MY FRIEND
one that i could hurt in the end.
i couldn't have destroyed something that was never there.
thanks for once being there. i dont want us back and i hope you dont too. hurt can never speak louder. because you know..like they say,

never stick with someone brought from hell. i mean, how can anyone ever say that? its like the sin of all sins. but since you like it that way, suit yourself then. the girl from hell. rynn. the girl from hell.

and you dont even know what i've been through to get to earth from that hell place.

both my loves, happen to be virgos. this is my male love, the one.

and here's a candid of my female love.


you're always needed. keeps me alive, keeps me going for the days. i think it's all gonna be a dreadful draggier drag without you. you're in control of my emotional well-being, my spiritual beatitude, my physical indemnity, my mental lucidity. i don't know what to do without you because i've decided nobody else can do what you do. = love me.

I WANT MY BF NOWWW.

''You give me your smile
A piece of your heart
You give me the feel
I've been looking for
You give me your soul
Your innocent love
You are the one
I've been waiting for
We're lost in a kiss
A moment in time
Forever young
Just forever, just forever in love
When you came into my life
It took my breath away
Cause your love has found it's way
To my heart" - scorpions

when you came into my life, it was love at first sight... all the way.

'ex-friend'. how cocky can you get? its okay, the earth bores many people. im not even hurt you know. it's not like we have much left within us anyway. you dont even talk to me, dont know a shit. you didn't even TRY to. what you wanted was the group, which you believe really existed. you didnt want me, so why are you pissed over something you dont bloody care about? what else can i do but give up? try strainously to win your hearts and leave mine all empty because you dont even bloody say hi when we come cross each other? heh, so long now, we'll all be fine.

i noticed a trend

most Fs have been shunned. is that some sort of curse? you see, people, namely Faz, Farliwayah Shikin, Firdaus, Fira, and many many more, have been shunned. and probably forgotten.

ITS A BLOODY CURSE I TELL YOU.
hoho.

dont read my blog. really, i know you still do. i was checking on your posts to see if there's anything inslutting to comment on. But, nah, i dont think i want to slut around right now. I cost more than you.

Now, i sound like a total bitch dont i? Bi-yatch. =) winkwink. One biyatch fell over a bench today. I will never never forget this and i will laugh at it forever and a lifetime.

I dont wish to talk to you again. I'm okay really with whats happening. I realised my mistakes, learnt from it, and decided to move on with that new knowledge.

NEVER put hope on people.

besides, i have found new better friends.

as days go by we get caught up with our seperate lives. ..love will keep us alive. heh, ive apologised about more than twenty times. i should never do that again because it brings no benefits. so, i lose, you lose, it's a mofo tie.

i'll just have to get over them like i got over the duo - the brothers of pain. this will hurt yea? not a pinch.

you know what? never in my life did i have candles on a cake for my birthday from friends. hell, not even a cake by itself. i guess im just too unworthy of all that. i've never recieved much anyway. i've never asked for anything from anyone, say, a shirt, as a gift, and even if i do ask, i doubt i'd get it anyway. i'd most probably be slapped with a smirk, sneer, and snort. i tell you, i will cry if i even get a little muffin with a candle on my birthday from my friends. but i'm not asking for it. won't happen anyway. friends.

which, i dont have much anyway now. i've abandoned so many, brushed them off my bloody shoulders, threw them out of my life. great huh?

the better the chance for appreciation right? right.

rynn will be alright, she has other friends, rynn will be alright, she doesn't want or need all these, filthy rich parents (this is a lie), rynn will be alright, she's always saying she is. there is more than meets the eye. but thanks anyway if you lay out a wish for me. at least somebody remembered and took the effort to pass the news round.

heh.

i cannot go to the ocean
i cannot try the streets at night
i cannot wake up in the morning
without you on my mind
and so you're gone and i'm haunted
and i bet you are just fine
did i make it that easy,
for you to walk right in and out
of my life?

p.s. teachers reads blogs. GASP.

my love

much love, cropped picture, yours truly, girl with the weird hair parting and signature pout.

isn't this sweet and precious?

sigh, what trouble did i get myself into now? problem, after problem. well, like they say, launching a rocket into space with a cow, a gorilla and a tube of toothpaste inside would bring no good at all.

oh well, lets try to look at the seemingly bright side.

''i love you no matter what.'' - Lovers Alike.
the rule still applies.

HOHO I GAVE UP. MAY SANTA CLAUSE HELP YOUR WANDERING SOUL, MAY BLACKJACK FIX MY BROKEN SPIRIT.

you hate me because i made you fail, you're angry because im satisfied. you have YOUR group of friends, i have my business to mind. so if we can't get along, count me out. i have fixed my mind on giving up, i find no point in trying. and if any one of you succeeds in switching my mind, then congratulations, you have managed to break through the hardest surface imaginable, finding the softest material inside. ...heh, keep trying.

m.e.l.o.d.r.a.m.a.t.i.c.

-"it is the etiquette of self-recognisation."

i'd like to show gratitude and appreciation to everyone who benignantly wished me and my love upon our first month and for the well wishes that were consecrated. may your well-being be just as elited.

oh yes, now you say it's just a figment of my self-obliged phantasma? go to hell.

p.s., msn is promoting a lot of computer-baneable viruses lately.

i dont want any troubles anymore.

let me live in this dreamworld for all i care.
snap back to reality?
hell no, reality is such an embroiling embranglement.

i like it this way. it was meant to be, that's why it happened. what we do next might and might not take effect. its not in my hands, and its not in yours, its in ours. but it takes two hands to clap and a yoke to agree. you can't agree alone, and neither can i.

well, whatever it is, i'm just gonna spit what can be spitted and swallow what can't. and you cant expect me to approach you now. i have given up a long time ago about this 'approaching' thing. and i have a reason.

people never listen.

to us

head.
yes folks, been a month since Rynn's with Zimmy. and yes, they're doing mighty well. let's all close our eyes, open our hearts, and pray they last till death do them part. even then, we all pray they'd still remain intact.

rynn.
im sooo glad! we made it through our first month! why so glad? because usually by the end of the first month i end up breaking up with people. (previous exs) but never again! no more hebetudinous exs in my way. so anyway, ive been missing out a lot lately, as i have not been updating on whats been really going on. okay briefly, on saturday, we had amkss family day, went there, had some bondings with classmates formed, then headed off to meet my love, went for a swim, then headed to family chalet. me and cousins rode bike perpetually through the night as we had an overnight rental freedom. went back by sunday and had an official camp-facilitating day on monday with farah shamin and amira. we had fun with the little primary three kids, i will update pictures when i am free. then days pass by expeditiously, blinkblink and it's friday night. met my love today, and had a tough time skating, then biking. overall, i am exhausted today, but i feel good now. =)

so, since its our one monthsary today, i'd like to say something about the Rome and the Jule.

they love each other unconditionally, unfalteringly and oh-so implicitly.



missed out 100% on friend-to-friend relationships.

excluding my classmates and the ninies, all the rest are practically gone off. dead. evanesce. forsaken.

without a devisity of love. or a bequeath of sweet memory. all so, so bitter. im like in between two worlds currently. the fine line between a dream and veracity. im not intact with what's going on.

damn it you shithole, where have you been? thought you said we'd be friends till senectitude.. liar. you're too absorbed with YOUR friends. fair enough then. i'd stick with my boyfriend, and classmates. i still have my cheeses and the ninies as a pluspoint.

who needs you anyway.

all pics on family day 09 held at east coast park by AMKSS. not all 43ians were present, so yeah.
this is half of 4/3..

ok im tired already. besides the extreme lagginess my patience is being tested on, the pictures had large spaces in between them so i had to correct it all. anyway sorry peeps if some of the candids are unglam, i promised to upload every single picture.

=) cheese.