“All that I am, or hope to be”

June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 April 2013 May 2013 November 2013 December 2013 February 2014 May 2014 June 2014

exhaustion after exhaustion, day after day. if time could fly, it would, so i wouldn't feel the tire too much. but, sadly enough, it didnt.

contradicting days, roller-coaster ride of emotions. ive spent too much time worrying before, i didnt really seized the free moments. or spend it more effeciently. but anyway, id just like to update and say

CONGRATS ASZ AND REMEE FOR NEW BLOGS!

And now, im gonna laze for a bit. so damn tired. im lazy to even update about life. and its shittiness. no, i must use better vocabulary. life and its fluctuating emotions and physiques. man that sounds wrong.

oh and i only got 20 bucks for CNY. pathetic or what. but at least something, thanks.

i came back from the holiday at upper terengganu near kelantan & redang coral place thingie at around 3 in the bloody morning today. so im tired. and here are pictures. i look bad in most of them but i dont care. who does anyway.

i came with a swollen eye.

just so happy to be there.


piqy! is officially gone. for now. we left her at Ben's, WHO HAS A FUCKING HOT YOUNGER BROTHER IT SEEMS, and he'll take care of piqy till we come back to fetch her on tuesday. have a good time with your friends, piqy. Ben said she has wonderful fur. More wonderful compared to her parents and siblings. Sadly though, she has ear-mites. But not to worry. Ben will help. Die earmites die.

School was okay today. Too bad math test was irritating. P.e. was fun and sweaty. And then time flew the rest of it all. I'm leaving later at 2.a.m, and i'm pretty happy about it. Because maybe if i go to that island i wont come back and respond to you busybody faggots!

PFFT. just kidding. i won't miss my friends.
kay i told you once im a liar. a BAD liar.
but to hell it shall pass. i'm tired. dead beat. goodbye people.
oh, and happy chinese new year in advance, and

HAPPY ADVANCED BIRTHDAY FAREL AKMAL!

THE ITCHINESS HAS GOTTEN STRAIGHT TO MY BONES.
FUCK GRASS ALLERGIES.




and so sheds another tear. see, this is why i say today will never be better than yesterday. and guess what, tomorrow will be worst.

but who cares? i'll worry about that tomorrow.
to hell with men and the misfortune they bring, with their egocentric acts of wisdomless fiction. i'll jump off a roof if i ever think of him again. i still have other people to cling to. or be clung at. without a boyfriend i have dates. without dates i have friends. without friends i have special faraway buddies. without them all, i have my family. and if i dont have a family (unlikely), i still have myself.

oh yes, we all will end up standing alone after all. nobody dies with another person. we'll all seperate like a gazillion hair seperating from an ape's body.

so, for now, i'll just smother on more of that lipgloss, and by hopes, get more of them people that i can handle. like i dont have enough. i only realised today, that it is because of him that i dont let other people in. i feel booked, when by fact i am actually just building images because i wanted to believe in something. in someone. put faith. trust.

i should never have done that. it's the most otiose thing i did.

now, getting over his promises, returning back his handheld items... i dont care anymore. he is just a person, and there are many people in this world. i can travel all my life looking for the one, and i dont care if hes a tribal leader or an outcast of society. world is complicated, and i have much to learn, but for now i'll just pickup the leftover clothes, cds and notes i left on your floor and leave, and i know i will find a new home.

love breeds, rapidly, and it didnt, so let's just carry on. i want to get to my choice of course for Poly, then graduate from the U and be successful. i dont want to rot.

like you.




i tried kicking off those bad habits, but they somehow WANT to stay.

have you people EVER feel pain? I mean, i was bloghopping around, and everything was about love and studies and mugging and... thats your life? is it really so empty?

i feel pukey when i read about people writing about every single thing they did on their mundane days. and everyday is about the same. i'll example it for you;

woke up at 7, late for school. rush, caught bus at 7.10. reached just in time luckily. had maths lesson, about matrices. then english do project. recess drank water cus no money. then go to class copy homework. then teacher come rush back to seat. homework not complete teacher nag. after that had biology. couldnt understand a thing. felt sleepy in class. slept in social studies lesson. everyone slept. bell rang. went home. had lunch. watched tv. do homework. okay thats all.

WTF RIGHT?
pfft. so boring.

well my update.

i was supposed to get shoes or something with fafa. had a super bad day today. days are getting worst, really. what with the hair, and the bucketfull of cold hard stress. anyway, sorry fafa, i was angry at that time. things happen. oh and did i tell you somebody is back from thailand, people?

welcome back faz.

or pain. well, better stock up on them plasters again. (for my blisters, random, i know).
but before that i must think of what to do today. i have to return something. or else i'd die. like not physically purple-blue-bodied death, more like, pale-white-stonedeyed-death.

i bet im rambling on and youre bored. bahh.
eh, go stick up some cookies up your arse. i'm gonna get a glass of rice wine(vinegar).

i didnt update for very long.

why, you say. well, shit happens.

i tried avoiding all the shitty yadaa-yadaas, those annoying negative ramblings of complaints and emotional talk for a couple of entries now. but then i really HAVE to say this.

this first week of school, is the worst start i could ever have for the year. everything just didnt fall into place. especially towards the eye of MISS.LWJ. apparently, i'm always imperfect to her.

oh, and what better way to start the morning than to get screamed at to surmount attention from fellow sleepy schoolmates? especially when you didnt sleep all night due to family issues. but of course, she doesnt know that now, does she? but does she even bother? no. she just behaves rudely. but, on the contradicting side, she expect people to respect her. and her rudeness. and i am not the only one who agrees to this. what kind of teacher behaves rudely? a rude teacher, of course. and what kind of teacher is a rude teacher? MISS.LWJ OF COURSE! and when i say rude, i mean downright no-respect kind of rude. at least the other form teacher MRS.YCH is strict, but she talks to me politely in a respectful manner. more soothing to the ears. rather than hair-raising demoralising screeches.

i guess i'll just have to bare with it. mum and dad offered to come down the school, because many incidents took place this week that really, i must say, disheartened me, in a way that deteriorated my will to work hard. though i still should.

and besides that.

good friends. they leave you when you need them. they go out and enjoy when you weep your life away under the comforter on your bed with a mouth full of tissue to block out whatever whimpering sounds you can't avoid making. they say they're there. they tell me things over the phone, over text messages, over MSN. words can only heal so much.
bad friends. they don't come when you need them. they tell you about their good times when you tell them about your bad times. they laugh when you're angry. they laugh when you cry. because you look funny.

that's why, i refuse to totally put myself in anyone's hands now. time to be independant. fully. you have team mates in a match, i battle by myself. surely i'll lose. but who knows, your team might suck.

i end this entry with a loud sigh.
disappointed, angry, disheartened. and exhausted. extremely.