“All that I am, or hope to be”

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This post is gonna about another story, i made it some time ago... It might reflect who i am. Its gonna be a long post, so get some milk and cookies. Or just click exit. The book has more details and contents compared to this, because i just cant be bothered to type out one whole exercise book.

Amy and Dan were the most dreamable couple you could ever make up in your mind. They shared everything, their relationship went deep from surface emotions to intimate thoughts. Life was a breeze, and they made through everyday living life as perfect as a fairytale. They went to lovely beaches, watched stars, went out for movies and everything else. Love wafted in the air around them, and happiness was something made permanently available.

One day, Dan brought Amy out for a night out on their 1 year anniversary of being with each other. He brought her to this lovely secluded beach. Noon went past quick, and the sun finally settled down. The warm seawater swirled round their ankles as they walked by the shore. When night began, Dan sat Amy down by a nearby bench, and took out a box from his left pocket. This has been the moment he's been preparing for, for a long time.

"Amy..."
"Yes love.."
"Will you be mine forever?"

Dan opened the box, in it was a cushioned sparkling diamond ring. The air became thin as oxygen seemed to disappear. Amy gazed at the ring, mouth-agaped, as tears formed in her eyes, blurring her vision. A nod explained her reply, as oxygen re-enters her lungs.

***

Midnight came fast. Like they say, time flies when you're enjoying it. They both decided to call it a night and to meet tomorrow. Dan sent Amy to her block. As usual, he'd wait till she waved from her window.

"Go home, love. Wave to me when you're in your room."
"Alright darling. I love you."
"Love you too, sweetheart."

As soon as Amy has waved to Dan, he placed his can of coke by the sidewalk, and left for home.

***

At exactly two in the morning, Dan phoned Amy. They talked till the sun rose, speaking of plans of their future and how perfect life would be when they get married. At five a.m, they decided to have their rests and to talk later.
***

The phone rang again at 7 in the morning.
"Amy..."
"Gary? Hey, whats up... I'm still asleep..."
"Amy, Dan..."
"Hmm? What's with Dan?"
"He had an accident."

Amy shot up from her rested position, her heart pounding of fear.

"What?! When?"
"Last night. On his way home, a car banged on him. He was jay-walking."
"Where is he now?!"
"He's dead Amy, I'm sorry.."
"But i was talking to him all the way till five in the morning!"
"That can't be, Amy... He had the accident at 2 a.m."

The pain hit her like gunshot. Her one true love, dead? Her mind played flashbacks of the past year spent with Dan. She refused to see Dan's body, and tried to forget him. Depression took over, and it took Amy a long time to recover from the pain. She still wore Dan's ring, it was a symbol of her love with him.
***

Five years later, Amy was walking in an antique shop, looking for a birthday gift for her friend, when she saw someone who looked exactly like Dan. She missed Dan so much, that her mind went beserk. She really thought he was Dan, the way he walked, the way he dressed, the way he looks...

"Dan?"
"Sorry?"
"Do you remember me?"
"I dont know you even."
"It's Amy... you proposed to me..."
"I think you got the wrong guy."
"No, i know you are Dan. I'll make you remember me. I miss you so much."

Then, dragging the stranger by the arm, she brought him to all the places they went to before. The parks, the shops, the theatres. Still, the stranger didnt remember or know anything that has to do with him and Amy.

Amy then brought them to the beach where Dan proposed to her, and remeniscised every single thing that happened the night Dan proposed. Yet, the stranger was still clueless. "Dan is dead, "her thoughts spoke," and he won't come back. I guess i'm just a fool to bring this stranger around." Giving up, Amy decided to go home. The stranger, who thought Amy was pretty nice, sent her home, as the night was pretty deep and danger lurks everywhere. Under her block, they had a conversation before Amy went up the lift.

".... I guess this is it."
"Yeah."
"You look just like Dan..."
"Well.."
"But if you dont remember me then i guess you're not.."

Then, with a smile, the stranger said,
"Of course I remember you, sweetheart."

And with that, he left, leaving Amy in tears.

AWWWW. k the end. up to you to think who that stranger is.

The other day i went out with Fariz. I saw something over the cam at the PasirRisPark area, and i swear its been haunting me since then. But, courage shall see me through, and i made it through the nights in fear before havent i? Why be afraid now, after all THAT? I'll upload pictures soon. Just can't seem to get to the camera. Afraid to spot whatever is captured in there except Fariz's happy face and my oh-so-cheena decaptivated face of exhaustion.

I can't think of anything else to say. Blankness after blankness. I can't think properly. I need some inspiration. Like a new friend. Or an old one. Or a disappearance or appearance. Everything just got sucked into this lucid black hole. Nothing is happening. Still nothing. One nothing after another.

What the hell. It's;

Not like plotting all these down will make something happen.
Not like my wanting something to happen would make it more likely to.
Not like saying all this will change anything.
Not like it will revolutionize my sordid, otiose world.

So, i should now just shut up and think of school, emerging like a downfall.... Its coming too soon. Too, too soon.How? I havent gotten over him.

This post includes mature content that may not be suitable for minors.
=)

So. Another pervert has came across one of my accounts somewhere in this internet world, and has decided to prey on me. He whom i shall not mention name, has of course, failed miserably. I, the troubled but still somewhat lighthearted one, was happily plotting the death of Syida (refer to her blog through my links, 3rd heart] when some idiot in MSN nudged me. Annoyingly, continuously. I could only keep on soft-touching my keypad on the exit button, but that very persistent guy insist on me at least replying him. He, lets call him BOTT, is someone who has broken my heart once. At that time, I quickly abandoned him, picked the pieces and deleted him every possible way in every possible universe. However he stumbled upon me again somewhere, resulting in this. So, he was talking to me, when this happened.

"Bby, eu lewk very diff from laz tym ah.... now very preety and sexy..."

"Yeah i guess i did change, a little."

"It waz a mistake to brake [dumbass mispelled] wit eu... wanna get back?"

"Haha. Whatever for?"

"Haf sex?"

And he goes on and on about whatever sexual position and sexual poses and sexual items and other things that belongs under the category of sex repeatedly. My jaw could only hang loosely, perhaps only connected to my face by the skin. It could have dropped if not saved by my super powerful(and expensive) face toner that moisturizes and firms, keeping skin and pores tight. If not, my jaw would have dropped to the floor, perhaps penetrating through the tiles and rubble and whatever that holds buildings in place.

He carried on in his dreamy sex world. Then, i came up with an evil idea.

Get to him.

Tie him up, in that sexy kinky way on a beautiful flowy four-poster bed, and wear those kind of translucent organza-materialed lingerie with lace trimmings and sexy black rose embroidery. Oh and not to forget, the strongest, sexiest perfume. Charming eh. Then i'll get on top of him, and point at my left boob.

"Darling, do you know what this is?"

He'd then say, after a lecherous smile followed by his tongue wetting his lower lips which before was bitten by his upper teeth, and eyes half-opened, "Thats your breast baby."

*SMACK*
I'd slap him, and say, "THATS MY HEART, ASSHOLE, AND ITS BROKEN!"

oh what a lovely scenario.

_________________________________

Okay this is a proper entry.
Syida came today, darling, thanks for the chocolates! Oh and im still gonna kill you. We chilled and slacked the day away, had quite some fun, webcamming with her good friend Myra. Played the guitar, made unintended more beaty. =)

Yesterday went to Sungei Road off Bugis area, with Syq and Shit. Had a good time buying cheapcheap below $5 goodies. The stuff there could easily be stuff thrown out somebody's old garage or storeroom, but like they say, one man's junk could be another man's treasure.

I end this here. Oh oh and btw, Merry Christmas!




"wake up" sh3 said. pulled my hair.
curls! dont ruin them!
interrogate
stutter
disappointment
tests
screened
messed
leave
battered
court
misjudged
lawyer
friends
.... disappearance.
adhere. lets have faith.

the holiday at malaysia with cousins was heaven on sticks. we got two rooms for the cousins, one for the boys one for the girls. the aunts and uncles had personal rooms. in the end however the older cousins, anaafifharisrynn, ended up in one room, gnikoms our lives away. whenever an uncle or aunty is about to come, we'd quickly hide ashrays and buds. and packs. we had 6 packs together, btw. it was so fun. us panicking. we called each attack a tsunami. we got caught once. but i knew the adults knew what we were doing anyway but wth, i want more! we didnt sleep all night, talked cock all the way, and still gnikoms. eating longans. (we wanted to eat like pigs but there was no other food, sad huh) and so, the night passed with us being superstitious over 3a.m. we noticed many things were of three, oddly. at three a.m. we were afraid some ghost would pop. but thank god none did. only the aircon groaned at 3.a.m. so there came the joke of a ghost wanting to pop up but tripped over the aircon wiring or whatever.

when i came home, usual unpack time, tired.

today i woke up with a slap. the police bulged in while i was still asleep.
sigh, shikin shikin. im so fuckin upset. feel like i could sleep, forever and ever and never wake up. ever. ever ever ever.




some people fall in love... others just fall.



i thought you'd shatter it with a grin on your face, i thought you'd mock me with laughter and pull me spirally down your black mind. but no,

you returned my fragile heart in one, perfect piece. the regrets for saying it all is too great to mention, but then when i think again, i have no regrets at all. i just wish you'd at least make me special. but now, we're just gonna be friends, and whatever wounds i get from just that, well, i'll just let time do the job. even though it'll hurt me entirely. even though my thoughts of calm and peace would enrage into high waves of the sea, high enough to devour us all. even though it'll hurt.

even though i miss you. already.

im blogging to let the emotions flow. i need to drain it out. its so weighing down on me, it feels like crap on top of a beautiful heavenly fruit of life. like shitting while giving birth. yes, just like that. disgusting over innocence, over purity.

now, let it be from whatever angle you see me, from the high topping mountain you're on top on even, because it's all the same. let you be a man-angel of any sort, i won't change my mind this time, you will never ever get control over this puny little heart anymore.

now its not even love, not between us, it never was, now you're just a little scar of my life, written on paper, written on minds, on hearts, tattooed on skins. the sight of you being equivalent to heaven and peace was only for a moment.

what's left is now one piece of memory of a very painful heartache which will only take me 5 more minutes to recover. let the silence be music, you said music is life, but i still see you living when you're not listening to it, so silence must be music too.

stare into space with me at the park, both under extreme pressure, one glad to leave the other, one glad to be left, but too bad she died there and then to enjoy life without that ass who left.

whatever i mentioned above makes no sense once i re-read it. butthefuck to it. i just feel like slamming my fingers on this keyboard.

nothing will be the same again.

for now, im only looking forward for fa's return, and this weekend's big family outing to some beach (in the rainy season) at malaysia (where i'll prolly drown in a flood).

all the 8 anak sdares (some cnt make it) will be there and we'll be sharing a goddamn room, gerek or what. i cant wait, somehow, its been a while since we all got together and waste our nights away telling ghost stories and singing malay jiwangs and eating like pigs. but i dont think i'll ever eat properly again. im so pained and hurt. but i promised syq i wont mention his name ever again. so, now i'll only call him... puke. ANOTHER PUKE IN MY LIFE! great or what. the previous pukes are all long forgotten already. now a new puke is up, and puke is in THAILAND. may puke get puked over there.

im so mean. oh come on who am i kidding. i love that puke for hell's sake. but im gonna let puke be puke and be treated like puke. disgusting and disgusting.

so i hate pukes! erghhh.

now to practice malay jiwangs on my guitar before the weekend comes. so i can at least busify myself so i wont think of puke.

ku di halam rindu... hanya berteman... bunga yang layuu...
(WTFH.)




yesterday the three of us went to this swampy river area, and rented a sampan at night. yes, crazy you might say. the rowing part wasn't easy, we took a little time to co-ordinate our rights and lefts, but we got okay in the end. hit a few trees here and there, but no leaks. i was all dressed up in super warm and thermal clothings. down with high high fever or 39.5 degrees celcius (thank you thermometer) which explains why i can update this now as i'm at the cafe after buying medcine at the drugstore.

so, our mini dark-as hell expedition was very scary indeed. just the three of us and a sampan. rowing. silently. i was at the frontmost, so i held the torch. the man who let the sampan for rent told me not to shine to much, or id wake up the crocs. CROCS?! WTFH? and he said it with a slight wink and slinky sinister sneer! i was damn scared i swear. but thank god that didnt happen. besides the crocs being scary, there were other quite scary things like snakes and bats and mosquitoes! and tyra ass-dancing as she wasnt attired properly, there were slugs on her or something! but that was all worth it.

after some time, we have reached the point we were there for. the air was freezing and i was feverish. it was like 16 degrees? so we sat there. all three of us. then slowly, very very slowly, through our silent whisperings and cold-misty breaths, we saw them. glowing gently, buzzing around, so very bright, so very pretty.

the fireflies.

it was heaven.

i'll elaborate when i return, i have to go get a beer(im kidding)

p.s. i secretly wanna go home, because being here just makes me love him more and fall sicker, my body cant seem to adjust to the temp.

oh dunedin.

went to botanic garden yesterday. and yes, it rained. here are the pictures.
i went, of course, with this toot here, who had revealed to me something i never thought was possible. anyway, good lucks fa!! i like your plastic bag. oh and thanks for the bag.
me and pau just so happen to be wearing the same colour. SERIOUSLY so-happen-to.





lets not forget where she gets the habit

she gets the pill from the skills
she get the skills from the pills

SHIKIN has decided to keep her baby. heaven heaven thank you thank you

IM SOOO HAPPY AND GRATEFUL!

guess what, just about an hour and a half ago, while i was still unbathed and suffering from teeth pain and trauma due to wisdom pluckout, the ball rang.

panic attack!

how surprising! THE NINIESSS!!! i was like. OHMYGAWD YOU GUYS!
they came with flowers and big scary smiles! i love them loads! thank you! a big get-well-biatch banner (made by a plain cloth and paint) was spread out amongst them. when i opened the door they were like, "surprise ladey, hey hello!" in a chorus! made me laugh, so much i teared! and forgot i havent bathe. surprise surprise! so i let them in, took a shower, and chilled with them for a bit. they then left, had to prank on someone or another or something funny like that. YOU GUYS! THANK YOU!

the ninies:
Md Airis
Md Qayyum
Adam Rasth
Danial Rasth
Fairuz Amirul
Ashree
MdNor Hirman
Farel Akmal
Md Shafiq

love you people loads!