All that i am, or hope to be

“All that I am, or hope to be”

wonderfool

Friday, October 31, 2008

the wind blew gently against my skin as i opened the door, only to be stunned by the appearance of tyra... it has been sooo longggg. we had a long sisterly hug right there, then she came in and had breakfast, cooked up specially for her, with warm coffee and unstirred sugar. she loves stirring the sugar herself. me, not a big fan of coffee, but drank it all the same.

she will be going to johor aiport tomorrow evening with her parents, to head for new zealand. you people know right that me and tyra are NZ gilfriends? originally she lives in johor. she is randy's cousin... randy is.. sigh. she'd be staying there longer than i am. there goes our phonecalls. i'm going to miss her. but we'll be reunited, girl, in december.

even though singapore is an unseasonal country, i can feel the autumn live up here. i mean, there ARE trees shedding their oranged leaves. man that's just so beautiful. so so beautiful. i love autumn. it's the best times of the year. november, never loved the name more.

november.

i wanna get married on november. november sounds red and orange and warm and breezy and relaxing and lovely. but married to who? wait 8 to 10 years baby.

my kitten has grown! she's as cute as ever though. her innocence, i feel like i wanna join her in that. she doesnt have to face the harsh reality of this dirty world. she only needs to know she is loved. well she is. i wanna be her, feel her. it seems like life is better, well at least as what i see. she can get anything she wants just by meowing. and her only flaw? well, she excretes in a litter pan, and people have to pick up her poo. sorry, not people, ME. =)

but grass' always greener on the other side right?

maybe.

maybe i was much too selfish, but baby you're still on my mind. and now i'm grown and all alone and wishing i was with you tonight. cuz i can guarantee, things are sweeter in NZ.

never left, never stayed

I feel great! Mag, magis, magnif! Things are turning to a brighter side today. My eye condition has improved, though it is still reddish and swollen. I feel lighthearted today, and i can't wait for tonight to happen. It'll be fab!

I'm going to work on saturday. My dad needs help, saying there's a flood of paperwork, piling up everywhere in the office, including his floor. There's some new device or another out on the loose, something to do with permissions and thumbprints. Well, whatever. Imma earn some bucks babe! Even though dad dispermits me from holding on to hard cash, knowing his daughter being his daughter, ending up spending it all away on.. well.. i don't know. stuffs.

i feel great too, because someone just told me i'm one of the nicest kindest neutral person he's ever met. p.s. people dislike this guy. well, people, except for me! i mean, he can only be human right? right, so he may not be dreamy hollywood bloke, but hey, he's got feelings and a life and thoughts and basically everything all the same. So, let's all be nice this season, and ever onwards.

anyway happy birthday krisza!hh

you look beautiful tonight, you always do, tyra, im glad your date with Ashhy went well. so so glad for you babe. i love you, you're one of my few girlfriends i really love.

tears

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Dedicated to Mohamed Fardiwi,
my far cousin from Turkey.

He has passed on, though i'm unclear of the reason, regret to say.

A little boy of 6, i remember him as a cheerful, happy lad, always actively talking to us with his extremely contagious smile. Fardiwi has visited us a couple of times, and always behaved well during his visits. He never forgets to pray, and is polite with his words. His innocence is inspiring. Blessed with an almost perfect intelligence, Fardiwi always recieves things quickly. He is a fast learner, quirky and gentle. Fardiwi has always been one of the few little boys that we would all believe turn into a wonderful young gentleman. However, his life on earth has been cut short, though the life he will live later on, shall stay on long. Fardiwi always questioned me, why life is so cruel. Now, he will never be in this cruel world again. He is now free, to join his mother Nor Qoraisya wherever they may be. May you both be blessed with forgiveness and purity from God, Fardiwi and aunt Qoraisya, and remain happy wherever you are. We will all miss you.

Death is not the end, death is life in itself.

killing insiders

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I am blank. I need some inspiration. Today was another wasted day. I dont know what to do. My eye is getting better though, thank heavens. Today i tried to build a little house out of sticks, for my kitten. But the sticks, they can never suffice as a little house. Fragile, breaking.

Similarly like me.

I wonder what tomorrow will lead me to. I wonder if its gonna be plain nothingness. For goodness' sake, somebody visit me at least. Bring me flowers or something. Or leave me a text message, saying you miss me.

But then again, I'm never with my phone nowadays. My phone has faded into a distant, unholy, desolate relationship with me. I should start by charging it up and viewing the i know there is more than 20 messages pending in my inbox.

I want to go out with my hot kids. HOT KIDS! IMY GUYSSSS.

and, well, innocence,

it. has never been so bold.

desolate

"the people we love are the people we hurt"

im having eye complications... its a long story. basically i, blind on one side. sigh. blind. is that a term, or a feeling, or a comparism? i feel not up to mood these days. i just want to isolate myself and hide from any company. its just the time of day i guess.

i miss running down that empty field, hand in hand... with... well him.
him.
the one i shunned.

sigh. im too ashamed, after what i said to him. what a mistake. he's the only goddamn person in this entire universe who understands me well enough, so much that we don't need to talk to communicate. i wish i could turn back time.

the people we love are the people we hurt.
then i shan't love you.

wrecked

Monday, October 27, 2008

i want to paint my face
and pretend that i am someone else
sometimes i get so fed up
i dont even wanna look at myself
but people have problems
that are worst than mine
i dont want you to think
i'm complaining all the time
i hate the way you look at me,
i have to say
im not strong enough to deal with it
i am slowly falling apart
i wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
and you might think it's easy being me

you just stand still, look pretty.

apologies vulgarities

Thursday, October 23, 2008

dearly beloved, thanks for being such a good friend.

here's a letter to you.:

yadayadayadayadaafterallthethingsididforuyadayadayadayada

afterallthatwehavebeenthroughyadayadayadaidontknowwhatswrongwithyoulately

yadayadaiknowimnotaskecohandtalkativeasthemyada

yadasoiwontcomplainbuthavefunyadayadayada.

okay. i feel like shit. today was shit. so called "friends" were bitches today (sorry girls).no seriously. whats wrong with me. cant talk to me? dizzy dizzy drugs kicks in, and the best you can do is to ignore me. ignore me and i really mean it: ignore. throughout the whole day.all these while i know ive been so called gullible. naive. but that does not prove my lack of feelings. if you fuckin know im fuckin sensitive dont fuckin do that. cus when u fuckin do i get fuckin pissed. and if you are even a fucken friend you would fuckin bother. All the while i thought you've been telling me you had a problem with them. Now you have a problem with me? You pour me your secrets i pour you mine. I keep it safe, and then you bitch on me. You have problems, i stand by you like all the fucken time. then ever since i fell sick you changed. and ignored me.

Now thats fucking gratitude isnt it?

hey its not only me. H*** notices it too. But whathell. I am not one who can say much things can i? one wrong word and all the bad points about me surfaces. so yeah. i'll be just normal again when you start talking to me, saying im perfectly fine, yes its okay, but plotting your painful deaths inside uhh!

sigh. but brightside. i still have THE HOT KIDS to love. i still have piqy. at least being at home will bring much more joy than school. so at least one of two places i spend most time in is happyfying. my parents still shower me with unconditional love and happpiness. and not to forget i am financially VERY stable, thank God. And that i still believe in God. Strongly. And that my dad is such a good father to teach me religious things that other fathers usually dont because they think their children wouldnt listen.

i have a great family, great outside friends, great stable life. i shouldnt let this kinda thing get to me.

so yeah, worry about tomorrow, tomorrow next never day!

my wish tonight baby

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

this may develop into love.

but am i really worth the sorrow?

sick dawg

Monday, October 20, 2008

its not that i am lazy for school, it is very certain i am sick. And contagious. I got this sick bug from mum, who is now still flu-ish. I woke up so weak it took me five minutes to type a text message to Mrs.Koh. But i will be coming for school tomorrow. Even though my nose is practically melting and running and ergh. And my throat is like as if theres this distorted guitar in it. But then again, everything will turn out rosy, or might i say, FLUFFY, with Qy around.

I kinda miss school. And not to forget my best friends. Oh and Shamin and Farah's been missing in action ever since i was away on sick dog planet. I wonder whatever happened to them.

and kye.

and aidil

and Randy my sweetheart

i miss em all.

sleepy soundtrack

Sunday, October 19, 2008

im supposed to be asleep, i promised Qy i'd be asleep, but hell i just havvveee to update on this.
Just now while Qy was still out of the cage and everyone else has slept, i was resting on the sofa, and fell half asleep. Guess what, Qy just lay there, waiting for me, purring her hearts out while i do the same. She lay on the sofa, waiting for my waking up.

I am so happy!

Qy is like a cat version of a loyal puppy. She trails us everywhere! Seriously, bathroom, bedroom... When i wash the dishes she'd just sit there by me, waiting for me, then i'd move to the living room and she'd race there, right beside me.
Watching her trailing other members of my family causes no heartpain or envy.
It just makes me feel so glad she's around, she makes us all closer.
Her cuteness, oh, her cuteness.
I watch her and feel like my heart could burst any moment.
On the verge of ever bursting delights, so full of love.
I am glad i chose her. She has mittens, white, or 'socks', on her feet. She has blue eyes and a soft bite. And a soft purr and meow. I know she knows i really do love her. She'd always linger around me.
True as the word, Ragdoll cats are very affectionate.
And i read that these kind of cats are sensitive, scolding them may cause serious emotional damage. So Qy, i must always remain polite and heartbursted by you.

piQy

Saturday, October 18, 2008

i woke up sick. it was exasperating. the whole night went cold and i had shivers all over, despite the shut window and unairconditioned room. Yesterday i had a good time, today i feel miserable. The outward kinda things i get for having two days straight of great fun. And here i am measly lying in bed, with pain shooting through every inch of my body, my throat on the verge of explosion. Then, mom came exploding into the room, telling me to get ny lazy arse off bed and bathe. I was like, IM SICK HELLO. Then we went out to macs, which i had no mood to eat so just drank. I still felt sick.

Then everything from sicky green and blues turned to bright yellow. No, white and brown and blue actually.

People, meet piQy, a 3 month old ragdoll kitten that me and my family officially adopted today.

it was mag... magnif... and magnificent!
i was so ecstatic i felt better immediately.
piQy is an active ragdoll [ of whom which i know would turn pretty lazy and quiet when she gets older ] and if very very very very cute.
She purrs all the time and have the lightest meow ive ever heard my whole life.
so, piQy, welcome to my fam.
yest's and the day's before pics will be updated soon.
meow people, meow.

yellow

Friday, October 17, 2008

happy fulfilled bright and sunny.
i wanna get married and fly to texas
ride horses and breakfast on spicy salsa.

raya-ed. tired. anything. please.
just.
um.
text me.

pics up soon okay.

here in my heart

Thursday, October 16, 2008

i am well and healthy enough, to cut chilli and onions and cook for my beloved people. oh yes. I am now awaiting the right moment for me to let water over me.

today i am officially married. to a 19 or is it 20 year old man. I dont know his age. He told me he wants me to be his wife because he can't cook. So i told him under one condition;

i want 6 babies.

and he

is the one who gives birth.

sweet aye? he agreed.

nownow, i didnt appear in school today because i was really sincerely sick. I couldnt let anything enter my mouth. I felt like an exploding donkey with six legs and fangs as sharp as razorblades. And a stomach with honeybees and red ands and mosquitoes inside.

Sigh. Im waiting for Abg Paeen, Abg Pau, KakCiq & AbgMus to arrive.

I shall now bathe.

*smiles*

last night i fell in love with a person i hate.

panadols

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

extra relief for stronger pain.
16. one more than my age.
oh its no relief for any pain.
more like pain for pain.
like heart for heart and love for love,
its pain for pain.
interlocking, winding, twisting, wrapping itself,
around me, seducing my air to resist my breathing.

you, would feel just as bad, if you are me.
fucking failure. i have nothing now.
i am nothing.
stupid, ugly, boring, lesbianic, nun.
a bloody nun, as one would put it. it means a homegirl. who never leaves her room moaning in agony and pain. oh fuck these emotions.

i need someone to make me feel better.
help me you bloody fools.
or you'd lose a bloody nun in the population.
do you know how important i am?
i am as important as the wound down your knee when you fall.
vital aye?

rain

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Time Has Stopped In Its Tracks
while i frustate over reality

saturday morning

Saturday, October 11, 2008

"so rynn, why'd you stop loving? becoming a lesbian or a dyke or butch or a bloody nun?"

i was sooo shocked i couldnt answer her. oh blinking bollocks. the last time i met her, she went all 'playgirl' on me. now im a bloody nun? what is this girl? some sort of insult machine?

so then i just swallowed my saliva and smiled. a micro smile. then i hear her brag and broood over her 14 year old life and her boyfriend who is my age. please bitch, nothing interesting. movie, cinema, hug, okay so what? i aint jealous no matter how many fingers he stick up your pussaye.

i went home after an intensive morning with her. not that i ever wanted to come. my mum told me to fetch something from her house. and the worst part is, shes my bloody cousin. and shes bloody short and bloody ugly, and bloody irritating. she ruined my day. a little. just a little. im still happy.

happy i have my friends back. happy for fafa. happy i get everything i want. happy mum and dad arent fighting still. happy my room is clean now. happy im spoilt. just so so happy.

so, nothing can be ruined by what Nury said. She can bloody fugg off with her boyfriend.
but then thinking of what she said, i do have been single for quite some time. now let's see, about 9 to 10 months. But i like it. I like being single. I like my freedom. I like having my bed all to myself. I dont have to pretend i enjoy being in the relationship. I love it, singlehood. Not my time to commit to a partner. But then im so called engaged, to someone i promised id never let go.

And i wont. When im eighteen he says he'd get me a till-i'm-21 ring. Then at 21 he'd get me a till-i-graduate ring. From university that is. If possible. Then it'd be a till-we're-dead ring. That means married. Ahh keep dreaming Rynn. 15, enjoy life.

=) enjoyingg.

...123

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO FAFAAAAAAA,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUUUU!

HAPPY 15TH BIRTHDAY FAFA!

BLESS YOU. lovess.

yo ma niggas

Friday, October 10, 2008

ya niggas dont know how painful it is, to be cut by something so horribly painful.

trust me. it's a killer thing, and its so careless and dumb and blind, for me to not notice it hanging there. i was, well, digging for a basin to put some ingredients in. yes folks. digging the cabinet, with what you're about to see, practically hanging there without my eyes flinching a realization of its existence. yes folks.

no i didnt found the retarded face. i found the knife the hand belonging to d body of that retarded face is holding. that silver shiny sharp crap cut my fingers. not cut off, but injured them. like 3 of em. so smarty me go put on band aid.

and then i realised i had to bake cookies. its called sugee. it required the'gentel-nes'using hand. or, making it round using hand. and how shitty it is, to realise, halfway making it, all the flour got stuck on my band-aid, aka plaster, and how annoying it got to remove it under running water. with my excessive bleeding. with a face cursing my day. with an entity of anger. and then the knife i was holding, to put back, dropped. on my fucking foot.

it hurts.

tomorrow is fafa's birthday. i have gotten him a gift, and i wanna give it to him today but i couldnt because of this baking issue and since he went there early with some others. so im left here in pain of shitty bleeding. last time i used to make myself bleed. cutting myself and all. now it happens involuntarily. All on weird places.

okok. so, anything else niggas? no? alright i wanna go watch wizard of oz on youtube.

somewhere over the rembo....

Thursday, October 09, 2008

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RADEN MUHAMMAD EL-REHAIMY AKA REMEE!

Met siq late at 5. Then, met Remee and Asz at carl'sjr, at fareast... just like old times. Moments to savour. We headed to Dhoby Ghaut to watch movie at Cathay, we watched Eagle Eye. IT WAS GREAT! Remee got treated by us, (asz also actually) and we bought snacks and talked and laughed like maniacs at silly things. Had great fun, thanks to remee being his birthday today. Its like, united again! Good old best friends. Siq was a little absent in mind though.

mind the faces. and the bad quality camera. we used phones.

we had a great time seriously. talking two people at once and stuff. siq becoming ET. Remee with some lord of the rings joke. We came cross ashraff and azri too for a bit. That was before the movie. After the movie we went to opp Plaza Sing and sat. Took pictures randomly. Sigh, a day to remember.

Like, finally, like, United?

Four of us back! BACKBACKBACK!

And now, i wonder when the other group of us FOUR will come back.

aaahs

*sniff sniff, rynn mintak maaf yah, eh dapat duet eh?"
"ahhhh, ni special untok rynn. gunekan dengan baik.

RAYE! that was my first day. well, it was a sad, hysterically hysteria filled raye, with forgiveness and sorrys and money. well, i didnt expect to see the rest of my mum's side, but we did. so, i took pictures since after the sad incident 3 years ago, we never really did get together. and before that we were soooo close.
angels.

for sale. okay i look so cheena.

cousins! finally united again la!

my brother and 21 year old cousin. he's tall isn't he? twelve, and reaching 1.7m.

my mum and her sis. mind the faces.

my brother and a cousin who's his age, haziq. theyre growing too fast!!!

you prolly can't see this. that's afif. and me smiling like a maniac. we're getting married.

well, one day. lol. kidding.

mum with her origins. why i pull faces? trait, grandma loves pulling faces.

the kidss

okay now about the other things. exams!

exams were a bucket of shit. it was overall tough, im glad its over. been mugging here and there. went studying a lot with fafa at mac. and sometimes with musa and syq. once on a monday during ramadhan when we were still fasting, well, we went to pizza hut. and poor me only had eight pathetic bucks with me. EIGHT. and we didnt have enough cash, but we already sat, so we wanted to leave, and fa was soooo cute and silly going "we don't have enough cash" to the waitress. WTH, embarassing right? so HONEST. We giggled our way out and break-fasted at banquet instead. They were a nice pot, helping me finish my food(which of course is a goal i can never achieve). The last session poji and shid came along.

then, there's the upcoming events ! today is remees birthday, small celebration later... Sat is FAFA birthday. Omg my little boy is finally 15! Monday going to jalan raye with triple Fs. Tomorrow maybe with the express girls, but shamin not coming and i dont know what to do. =/

okay i promised mum to bake some cookies and clean the house. scrub off the floor, yesterday bro spilled a drop of juice on the floor, today scrub the whole house.

PARANOID MOTHER AFRAID OF GERM EXPOSURE. but hell imma be liddat one day.

cheerios