“All that I am, or hope to be”

June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 April 2013 May 2013 November 2013 December 2013 February 2014 May 2014 June 2014

insanity okay.



i worry i'm different.
i worry i'm not normal.
i worry i'm going to end up in hell.
i worry i'm going to fail in life.
i worry i'll have no friends.
i worry i'm going to be left alone.
i worry i'm not the right colour shape or size.
i worry i'll remain single forever.
i worry i'll be incapable.
i worry i can't support myself in the future.
i worry i'll always be parent supervised.
i worry i'll be left out.
i worry i'll lose my family.
i worry one day i wont wake up.
i worry i'll end up in prison.
i worry i'll die.
i worry i'd live miserably.
i worry i'd live too happily.
i worry i'll forget God.
i worry i'd turn selfisher.
i worry i worry too much.

worrying my hearts off. worries.

tender love.
its ten minutes before breakfast. im starved. i dont know why, don't ask. usually i won't starve. at all. so anyway today was quite okay, had some fun here and there. hana came over. on the way, there was this hot cupcake, and i swear she stuttered and couldn't talk. she was like, of, of, of, of, of.... lols. hilarious okay! then she asked me a dumb question.

Hana: Additional maths, is Amaths right?

its prolly because the hot cupcake was just so hot n sizzly.
erm okay laterrr, gotta prepare for breakfast.

FAFA owes me a story; euu jgn luperr okehhxzxzxz
I JOINED FIFIE(shafiran)'s BAND. WEE or whaaat!
Asyraf, oh asyraf. =)



to fella taggers, apologies for the hyper latenism.

ahh.
Jarel: nobody, none of ur business, buzz off. =p
Fraah: chicken keep mouths shut better.
Randy: Imissutoo, tonnes and tonnes and tonnes, oh and, whats with suicide?
Tyra: Yes love, muacks miss ya.
Del: Wahlao bangla, i not maid ley.
Randy: He aint no bangala, just a wannabe. =)
Hanafiz: Another one, thanks, but, please, buzzoff.
Del: Inada Dey!
Asyraf:COOL SHIT U TAGGED A HI. HAHA. Hi!

ahh. i'll always be ever so inviting, ever so warm and open armed, i can't stop myself. i am happy rationally but i miss those days lah. i cant wait for exam to end so i can enjoy with fafa and qama and poji and my tripleFs and poji we must keep playing and singing!

NOW, TO GO ALL OUTS!

its like a mistery. so surprising, so true, so coincidental. how fast the people come & how fast they left. Yes. You know, like, come, meet, say hello, like, fall in love, leave... the works. I try to miss out the main factors though, like why they leave. You know, Ardel, Kye, Jiggy, those of the kind. Oh yes, names mentioned, straighten out now. Sue me? what for? what criticism did i enforce onto your name for this effing entry? heh.

I missed out factors like, the bits and pieces that makes up the picture of why they leave. Like for example, pressing the pretty little red button when they call. Why can't i press it? I love love love pressing it. And its my favourite colour too. Plus, i don't reply their texts when they text me hundred gazzilion jillion trillion times a day. Space. A word i adhere and succumb to. Give me it and i love you enough to hold your heart from falling.

I disappear at times when they need me. I have own shits to handle, okay. I don't like that to some of them we're from two diffirent worlds. He doesn't know anyone i know. And as far as i am concerned, i know quite a couple of well-known people. I hate them. But thinking back i can't hate them. There they are, trying their best, and here i am, shunning them as much as i can. I mean, they can only be human right? Wait. No. I can only be human too.

I realise now what i do to them. I reject them. Reject them in every way possible in the whole universe, to shelter my own fears and to hide my own rejection. Yeah. Ive felt it before, with Kimmie, Sasa, Fifi. Thrice the hurt, sixteen the payback. I have had a taste of bitter rejection i didn't like it, i'm spitting it at everybody else. Apologies.

But, men, take your stand, be realistic, make me feel it, don't come back.

i am looking for perfection, i am striving for perfection. two perfect people must live a goddamn perfect life. too bad perfect is just a word and a word only.




light will by itself shine, just wait.



how does it feel to be different from me? are we the same?
i have heavy blood flow. (okay thats a bit personal. but heck.) i can't fast. im dizzy.

i can't seem to get anything done. im like, a person with purpose. if there's no reason for something i won't come to doing it. like maths. it has no purpose in my life. won't help me get to heaven. so there. no purpose. fullstop.

ach. backache. bye.

woke up, and still awake. got a feeling i can't fast. again. i cant wait for monday. i can finally see him! okay in case youre wondering who.. well, i dont like, like like him, but he just has a way of making me attempt to challenge him back. hes a smooth talker, hes independant, capable of soo many things and very confident. things i want to be. things that make a person close to perfection. oh and that smile. and those penetrating eyes. i can't stand penetrating eyes. if it were the 60's, i'd be swooning. i'd be swooning and he'd come grab me by the arm and pull me up on his black steed(whatever that is) and we'd run away, and be so deeply in love, and he'd radish me and then we'd go poison ourselves or drown in a lake or start a new revolution or something. okay shuddup. XD




apparently, i cannot upload a photo. so try as i might,
i shall light up this dull post with the brightest colours,
though, im not really on the ups right now.

school was okay. i was damn tired & exhausted.
had some laughs with the crazy duo about some makcik
and pictures. school was bad. i didn't register much,
my mind was practically sleeping.

had a session. was okay. left, then,
on my way back, i bumped into HANAFIZ.
YES HANAFIZ!

then, we sat for a while, and started talking.
then, out of nowhere, he held my hand and went
all "i wish u were still my gf and ive never met Shadrini" -ish.

I WAS LIKE pfft, i let go of my hands, and then
literally screamed at his face. oh regrets.
i said; "let go. i dont want u back! its u who left! no way!"
i hope i didnt make such a scene because some apeks
and nyonyas were onlooking like some drama or something.

then i left him there after he said all those
sweettalk that i hate to like the f**king core.
went home breakfast. typical.

sometimes its just weird u can fall for someone you used to hate, and hate someone u used to fall for or love. & i now, i feel the urge of need to like, be close to someone i used to hate.

just, like, what a life lahhh!

oh, and be strong delly.

dainty toes and mirrored eyes
today, had a session with the triple Fs. They're so funny lah! Had a pretty good time.
Planned on having a run with delly, but i ended late.
i reached home on the dot for break-fast.
uhm, today was a little boring during school hours due to
shamin's absence. really do miss her.

this morning, woke up late, wanted to go out early,
and my little tiny pinkie toe got stuck on the door ledge.
boy, does it hurt or whaaaat!

Trolleyculars-ulcerdrunk(fafa) actually effing pranked on me.
Ezzaty like, called me, and pranked me. I tell you,
i'll kill em tomorrow. Like kill to the core kill.
JUST U WAIT AND SEE, YOU PUNKS!(waves walking stick)

feelings-
i feel great enough. emotionally stable,
and patience is undeniably more flowy and sufficient,
or whatever u cn call it. ummm. im more or less occupied
with busy-ness here and there, but it feels good because,
well, at least i have something in my life,
and not moan and be pathetic and lumped out over
a stupid situation, like an old ex or something.
(im appointing this to someone!)
ahh.

uhhhm, havta learn some songs & do Amaths homework.

DAA!

<3333





fifie-hotstuff




Absence -- a cure for the pain of love

there
is
a
cure
for
the
pain
of
love

i
am
absent
from
love

iamhealing.

leave me alone; happier that way
nothing much to say. im in a dilemma of using shamin's work or my own. i think mine suck. a lot.
anyway last night me and fafa stayed up late. what buddies. haha.

he was like, walking right beside me and everything so many times yesterday and i didnt see him. seriously didnt see him. haha. once, i was pulling this trolley out of the way at the carpark, and i did it in such a dumb way because i was trying to be extra careful, and fafa was like, "pull a trolley a sistaa" haha fuc*ing funny.
last night fafa attempted to straighten his hair, while i curled mine.
i looked so dramatic. fafa told me to smother red red lipstick, which i dont have because its ridiculous. i said i had christina aguilera red, he said he wanted kylie's. oh gawdd.

i edited the pic a bit, because the curls couldn't be seen.

then, we watched videos over webcam. as in, we sent each other vdos and looked at each other through webcam. i tell u, it was so develish of us to do so. because. haha. *smocks.*

ahh, anyway. a light reply to taggers.
del: i already know u, we're already friends.
randy: musaa is my friend
hanafiz: cheer up okay... i'll call u.
tyra: o-O

you think noone needs u, u have nothing to see through, well i need u, dont i count?
i'll tell you what matters.

today i went to msia for breakfast. fafa saw me a dozen coupla times and i saw him not even once. im happy and sad.

=( Hanafiz broke up with his girlfriend.
=) Ardel patched with his girlfriend
=( Jesse is moving to Australia
=) Randy is coming Singapore
=( AdiSmurf is mad at me
=) Tyra is proud of me
=( Mirra is depressed
=) Hairee is happy
=( Kye has not replied my texts
=) Aysraf is texting me actively
=( Gina and i are drifting apart
=) Fafa and I are back to being close
=( Acoustic partner always busy
=) Found a new band
=( Drifted far from Jiggy
=) Phelix is back
=( School is starting
=) Can meet friends
=( Lost Aydah as a friend
=) Made friends with Nana
=( Cant accept so much love
=) Happy being single
=( Miss somebody
=( Miss somebody
=( Miss somebody

=( lost someone so precious and loved;
- Jarel

"life goes round and round, up and down. normal means it stays still, to do that, be neutral. but when that happens, you're dead."
"strength comes only with will"
"Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine."
"In the hopes of reaching the moon men fail to see the flowers that blossom at their feet."
"There is more to life than increasing its speed."

we are made up by nothing but hopes and dreams.

ignore my pain, i'm handling yours, let me be a hero,
because good heroes die in the end.


I feel fine but not fine. Today is saturday(you prolly knew that) and school is opening back on monday(you prolly knew that too) and i have barely accomplished what i planned to do. Sure, i flipped some books, slept a lot, fast-ed, and went for runs. Yes folks, i exercised. No not for my sake, its for my poor brother and father who, lets just say, are un-fit.



Oh and for the poor blokes out there. Aye, i am be single, but im not that easy to fish, dont try okay, i'll break your heart more than anyone could. Seriously. Because i'll just unintentionally lead you on and then tell you in the end i don't want you. I realised this. It's my weakness. I expect you to understand i only want a special friend. Okay. Apologies, loves.


Im missing so many people. Impossible to list em out here, wont end. Theres prolly a good ten dozen names.

oh, and,
HAPPY
BIRTHDAY
MUSAA!

touch me













went to intentionally study, with Fafa Syq & Musa

I tell you, we had a real long study session.
I went home at around 6, and found out i can't fast today.
Sad right? RIGHT!
It's like, a whole day of fasting, and then, one hour, one bloody hour beforebreakfasting, i find out i can't fast.
Pathetic or whaaat

And oh, cheers for the new people i got to know.
Like, Kye, & Yang, & Ange.
Much loves.

And cheers too, for the new band
Much loves to F,F&F(maybe).
FFFR =_= cool or what.

fake friends stab you in the back,
real friends stab you in the front.


life is more like a straight line now
rotting & rotting. though, i feel good.
good that i'm actually fasting. i cant believe it.
oh & i love decent people who fast too.
well, its the least they can do, to be good.
even some of the hardcore-smokers hardcore-drinkers
hardcore-eaters i know are fasting! eh congrats okay!
big achievement, good that all you people
are up for a decent momentary change.

im glad.

stayed home. went for walks.
,practically did nothing much.
tried some Amaths. Its killing me i tell you.
But its a subject and i have to try excel it all the same.
XD
rynn+excel Amaths = miracle x.

Okay. I dont know what to say.


sended, recieved!you cutted your hair! and its brown! and u tanned! gawd! haha! different! but a pic all the same. i decoloured it cus u dont want ur face up there.

haha. okay, firstly, i wanna wish every Muslim out there happy Ramadhan. Lets all taubat and change during this fasting month. Don't sneak food, don't sneak drinks, no smoking, no drinking, no gossiping, no lying, no everything bad. Angels for a month and hopefully forever. XD

just ended a convo on the phone with randy. apparently it's going to cost him a tonne of money for the bills, but he says it's alright. 2 minutes and im missing him already.

i can't sleep. i sahur-ed and can't sleep. aching stomach. acck.
pffffffffft.