“All that I am, or hope to be”

June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 April 2013 May 2013 November 2013 December 2013 February 2014 May 2014 June 2014

i wrote a song because my friend's friend jumped down the building...but lived though. this song is a little different, and also includes extracts from a book i read. here: (for poji prolly. since its lyrics.) i need u, u said "i'll be there in a moment or so". wearing white like an angel, flying upside down. where is my hero going to save me, save my life i'm falling, staring at the sky, white bunny clouds staring at me. i landed, hard and aching, eyes pitched in darkness hollow and sweet, cold ground i died, u didnt save me, too late the promise i had killed me. imagination imagination imagination it killed me. imagination imaginated you exist. u dont, oh and i killed me. k dats it =)

LETS UPDATE. 1stly. well chin koon from my class, buff guy, has been chosen to be the youngest version of me in the class drama. omygawwd. i dont know how sometallbigdude can shrink to a short asshole like me, and shrink summore to kahjie's size. but, ohwell, as age catches up. age. my dad is away overseas for work. mum is super depressed. this time hes gone for 3 days. in 2 weeks time hed be gone for 2 weeks. and in two weeks time i will be moving to a rented apartment for the meantime while waiting for completion of renovation of my newest home. sighs, that rented place, workers such as Thais, Chinamen, Bangladesh...everywhere ... well, basically dangerous. And also at the same time (2 weeks time) it would be exam time. and i would die i tell you. die. everything is on the same date. what a date. and talking bout dates. been so dusten up i think my mouth has webs and creepy crawlies due to low socialisation with everyone who used to be an inch away from heart. sorry guys. bad times. im really sorry. and talking about bad times shamin didnt come sch tdae, and dats sad because the laughter is limited. i dont even laugh with my crappy hot kids (besties)anymore. well i guess now that the group of 'hot kids' has expanded i figure my place has been taken. i dont blame society, i blame me. but the good times, had good times with hana. laughed a lot with her. we have good experiences. and talking about laughter i laughed like shit with Akim today in the train. And talking about him, well happy birthday(immabitlate). gawd, i wish mum would return, its late and its only me and bro at home, its dark, its lonely, come home mum... dad will return, i dont like you to cry.. lets all pray (if u want to lah) that time will give way for me. tomorrow theres a project. wednesday tution. thursday conslutation. friday left hanging dangling perhaps a good swim. cant i have a break?

school... okay. a little suckish. and to the pitiful tagger.
who asked me to talk about other than problems...
well, dont read if it disturbs you alryte?
id love to write what id love to.
this will remind me how silly ive been
in the future to come. so yeah, dont like it...
dont read it.

and to randy. ...sorry.

so again, lets recall happy moments.
laying round on my bed, talking crap, laughing away.
laying round in the class, laughing again.
strumming guitars
jam room.
laying around at the carpark,
laughing still.
so much laughter. so much tears.
but nevermind about that.
i dont wanna give a shit anymore. let me be a slavvish person now.
bring me around. i'll dumbly but gleefully agree.
whatever. feed me mud. make me dance in flames.
however i shall judge you by the end of the day.
and i choose to or not to reply your msges.
and i choose not to love you or to love you.
im not implying you can toy me. but toy me now...
be toyed later =) trust me i can make you CRY.

had flashbacks. reread old diaries. recalling, remembering.
sweet moments hovering with nothingness.
gone they are, long it had, but lively, and bold are they.
and then theres the dream.
when everything in it is more realistic than everything in reality.
so sunken, throw me a rope. im so lazy to explain anymore.
yessing to everything.

heres something;

it must have been love
but its over now
lay a whisper on my pillow
leave the winter on the ground
i wake up lonely
i stare at silence
in the bedroom
and all around
make believing
we're together
that i'm sheltered by your heart
but in and outside
i turn to water
like a teardrop
in your palm
and its a hard
winters day
i dream away
it must have been love
but its over now
it was all that i wanted
now i'm living without
it must have been love
but its over now
its where the water flow
its where the wind blow
its must have been love
but its over now
it must have been good
but i lost it somehow
from the moment we touch
till the time had run out
it was all that i wanted now im living without.
it must have been love
it must have been love
but its over now.

i finally managed to go online. though not for long. this thing is intermitten.

like my feelings.

imagine this. one minute everything was taking a turn for the better of betters. when u can finally sigh in relief, what happened is past, now time for a new good start. but then something WORST happens. and this good hope only last barely a day. take this: you were just about to be with beautiful things, everythings perfect. good friends, enough on the food table. no diseases, nothing. no exs haunting u anymore.... and then bam! a big ugly lorry hits you. it hits you so hard, u flew. and then everything goes black.

and that blackness seeps into your throat and chokes you... till u eventually give up breathing and actually try to die.

this was a nice attempt. i almost got to the point of "okay". i just managed a realisation point. i dont have real friends.but come to think of it. nobody does. everyones a real backstabber. everyones not there when u need them...theyre never there.

i was taken by great advantage. people mistook me. i may look stable. but eventually if you look inside. im very not. one person saw this. he talked about it in class. malay class. even though we dont like him, he saw inside me. but he didnt take any action on that. its okay. i didnt want him to anyway. i expected better of my so called "bestfriends." yes. loads of them exist. loads of them are named as that. best friends. except they dont run it as a name. like a president who does nothing when his country is dying. like that.

and to make matters worst, i want to move on from the haunting past but its brooding and growing back. its like a cancer. developed, and then removed, and then it redevelops. and then theres the part where people dont care. the part that im not important. theres always that part.

never felt so lonely, i wish that you could show me humanity.

for now. let me be. dont make me stick with you. and dont stick with me. im not worth it and neither are u.