“All that I am, or hope to be”

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fruitful day. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ASRIZALLLLLL!!! well lets update. for the recent, today, i had no concentration at all. i had no mood in school, and i just doodled the day away. then, on a rush for ass(heeees), i was soaked in the rain, thanks to denise's tiny umbrella. well, then we caught a great movie, and talked somes. boy did ass have a lot of knowledge. well goodie. and then, when i reached home, well. after bathing and all. i slept. i had an awwwwful dream. sighs. woke up, howling with loss. HOWLING I TELL U. "you're not sure that u love me, ure not sure enough to let me go, its not fair to leave me hanging round... u say u dont wanna hurt me, dont wanna see my tears, then why are u still standing there, watching me drown? its alright, i'll be fine, dont worry about it, im fine, just take ur love, TAKE UR LOVE AND HIT THE ROAD. drag out the heartache, leave!!!

let me rest out. i want everyone to be there, but keep out. do NOT. i mean DO NOT come inside of me. not literally. just don't. im stabilizing myself. for once i think i can. so just. hang around. be nice. but dont come in.

UMBRELLAS OUT, war-wall build, bomb shelters ready, armor on, knives carved, guns reloaded, sheild tight. Hold your babies and guard your balls. Time to hide, it's rynn's emotional war....AGAIN. My warmate? RANDYlove. We'll fight together! May the best man stand! I'll try my best not to harm any of you, may the bombs hit just the bad parts. May the gunshots dont deafen your ears. May the blades dont shoot past your liver and guts. Cheers for the laughter, but oh shit, its not funny, its not a joke. (tantrumoment) but more to the bright side. well, okay at least i know i havent lost it, cus Justin asked me out! YES JUSTIN. Hot hot guy. Justin Kell smth smth. He seems serious, really. But this will really hurt randy so much. Plus, Justin looks a lot like randy too. Except he's Dutch. Pure dutch you! MMMMM yummy. And, i think im getting better. In fact. I'm feeling much better too =) IM READY! I think the transfusions worked! I hope, and i want to tell SGH, that i feel a lot better. Just slight coughs. Guinea has decided this is CURE! But, to stay away, id rather not be in a relationship still, cus u know, it sucks, BIG TIME. What for have someone and stick there, when being with you yourself and your friends ensure freedom? You wont need to stay away from other sexes because of ur "sacred love partner". its irritating the way SOME boys BUG me, and flutter around like an irritating, ugly, dirty fly. not pointing to my latest..u know. but oh well, DEAR BELOVED FRIENDS, you KNOW who i mean don't you? i know u do. *winks* oh and dont puke again at the mushydisgustingness.

Someone who sings me to sleep when im crying.
hug me whenever he can.
cries when im not there.
envies me being with my friends and not him.
but never controls my activities.
someone who loves me.
he never let me down, never pull me up.
gentle, heartwarming...
and we were close. but then someone got involved somewhere.
someone i thought would stand by me longer.
but its all a disaster.

and i miss him. but i blew it.
now he's with someone else.
and he's loving her like he did to me.
and he's never to come back.

DAYS: fruitful, and disgusting. I GET SICK OF IT ALL. sometimes, crummy me blames god... but i shouldnt... i musnt. and holidays are so busy that i dont have time for me. i've been doing so much for everyone, i forgot me. the holidays.... i dont know, they're not as fun and as exciting as it used to be. i guess everyone grew up. i dont want to. i never really had a childhood. and, so far, noone near now can ever build that childhood. or rather teenage-hood. i never have much felt how it felt like to be a kid. climb trees, play sand in the sea, to run and fall, and wound and bleed, and cry... little problems. i just got the bigger ones, somehow. what would i tell my future grandchildren? about how i was when i was young? "GRANNY WAS DYING THEN. AND SHE'S DYING NOW TOO". i bet i wouldnt even get to grow that old.

i was asked to do a story, and a song by two respective persons. but i cant. im blank. i have nothing now. poji said; love and happiness, a song about that.
what love, what happiness? I DONT FEEL THESE TWO. but i did come up with something else. it takes so much just to pretend im okay. but love? happiness? ..
dad read the story he asked me to make. "u stole this from a book, or the internet didnt you? you cant write like this, as what i know" but it was me.

im as screwed up as anything now. i dont want to see anyone. i dont miss anyone. they dont care about me, why should i care about them? sometimes i imagine myself dying slowly painfully in public. so the world knows how shitty its like. like im pard of the crowd, but NOT part of the crowd. i dont want to go out of my room. but tmorow's school. i dont want to meet all the crummy people who are so shitty... i dont want to meet anyone who's happy. cus im not. may i feel that sunshiney brightness again one day.

-there's nothing you can do or say, u're gonna break my heart anyway, so just take ur love and hit the road.