“All that I am, or hope to be”

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happy friends, surrounded by laughter, candies, lullabies and fairies and wishes all coming true, love shooting arrows, heart happy, air is smooth, life is good, money not a matter, perfect family, perfect social life, people envying, people respecting, happy happy happiness.

wake up.

it's been so long since we talkd, self. been so busy uptight and worn out, i didnt have any time for you. well, at least now i do.

im down to full blown tranfusion poking. pfft. the other day, i subscribed on some more pills. doctor weird frog looking said, pill 1 will cure and heal, but has the potential to make me blind. pill 2 will make me lose my hair.

then, i stared at dr.frog and he said they have a new untested way of curing, which is to poke needles into me so the infection will heal, but it's not confirmed. i opted for that. lucky me to be the guinea pig.

feel down to earth and unappreciated again. everyday from next week onwards, i have to go to SGH every fucking day to see dr.frog and get my transfusions. its not chemotheraphy, but it's somewhat similar, and stupid lungs, ergh.

cold, jellied, blackness. i don't know what to do anymore. lifeless. i need something new.. but i dont know what else. i have everything a girl wants.

depression moment. what if i die now? i might. i just might. would THAT make you people realise you people doing this to me is killing killing me? im not important, i know its cool for you to say that about me.

i feel like stomping my feet and screaming HEY I CAN DIE IF I DONT SHUT UP, IF I DONT BREATHE AND KEEP SCREAMING, WOULD YOU SEE ME NOW?

noone understands! dont say you do, ure not in my shoes. but thats not so weird, even i dont understand me. ! ergh. im not the poor lost lonely loner who walks around in clouds and disastrous death thoughts. IM NOT. IM NOT IM NOT!

im not sordid!

argh. kill meeee.

i cant upload pictures, darnit. darn the virussy comp. hmm, well, today i feel sickish a little, but a little laughter from fa qam and poj sure did me the good.

funny people. poji esp. talk about fighting with their **cks in the toilet. swords, ahaha. ohmygawsh. my mind is gone. and fafa and the oreo cookies=tits. ITS FUNNY. so black and creamy. i still miss them tho. fun lah they. oh and i hope shamin really like what i gave her. she called me just now and said she did. well, even though its not really very very pretty, it's from the heart, i want you to know, you're one of my bestesties too. and tomorrow u're birthday celeb.... i hope you'd enjoy. and dear amira gave me a valentine's card today, well not me alone, but i appreciate it loads, and amira, if you're reading this, thank you!

sighs, been thinking a lot. about mum, about dad. i think mum would be the person i love most. sharing her with my brother is enough. i need her all to myself. mum. i never thought i'd feel so much loss if she weren't around... who'd persuade me to have breakfast even though i never listen? who would send me to the door when i go to school? who would pray for me for everything i do? who would cheer me on, back me up, encourage me always, than her? i never realised this. sometimes she's like a pest. but for now... i want her. no matter how ugly you say she is, i think she has features of an angel. i love her. i want her now... where is she... why isnt she back yet...

mum, mum, come home i need u.

randy went home. queezy tomorrow's monday feeling in the stomach. monday. wake up= hangover, NATURALLY. monday hangovers. at least i cn look forward to meeting my bestesties. i miss them. been abt 11 days since we chilled. i cant take that. its soberistic. i love them.

i dont want to make things get worst.
help me.
i cant say i dont love you.
because i do.
i really do.
but i dont want it to happen again.
i told you what happened with alif.
i dont want it to happen again.
not to you.

not you.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHAMIN! I hope today will be blessed. anyway, on valentaine's day randy dropped in, HE REALLY DID, FOR ME JUST FOR ME ME ME HE DROPPED IN FOR ME. i was so happy~ i dont know why. hes going back tomorrow. over at his school, valentine's day is a HOLIDAY. thats why he dropped in. we had lots of fun, and we're going to go run run run later because we feel like playing catching even though the weather here is not the same as NZ. and he brought me the sweetestest gift of all on V day. he gave me this wooden rose thing, hand made with wood, with frames at the centre part, so from the side its rose from top its pictures. and there, etched is a word he CARVED, ENGRAVED, it said : for my sacredly precious rynn. sweet isnt it? hes so sweet. but more anyway, i havent been around with fa poj and qam much. miss them like crazy. i miss shamin too. too bad her birthday had to be postponed to mon cus she didnt come on fri because.. well i dont know i hope everything is ok for her... exs;tell me why, are you gone? you're just losers, and im alone.... again.

PICS WILL BE UP WHEN I HAVE THE MOOD AND NON TIREMENT.

i got 4 people in line to be my valentine.
be the fifth? i still dont know who to choose.

theyre all soooo.
nice and perfect and beautiful people. and i somehow love all of them.
and then i dont know what to do.

i think i'll divide my time. haha. like. 2hrs for each person.
orrrrr i could gather up close friends and laugh over fries at macs.

fries. remember thick curly french fries? SIGHS.

IF ONLY, IF ONLY _ _ _ _ _ WOULD DROP BY FOR VALENTINES.
if. you knw. i rili want to. u know. erm. well. hes. just so addictive. i dont know why i said no to him.
but no! NO MORE!

im so worn out i can die. tiring shitty tiring days. everyday im out. with one person or another.

it was awesome. at first i thought it was gonna get pretty boring because my family had to spend the most of it with my mum's side far relations. MY GRANDCHILD IS MARRIED AND HAS TWO KIDS imagine how stretchy and far out that is. its amazing i have grandchildren older than me, and great grans my age.

anyway, first day, we reached there pretty early, no doubt the plane, we had cars too, um, provided ones, so I DROVE. haha. we rented a lame old hyundai that had two seats only, but it was kinda lame because it moved ever so slowly. so along the straits, i DROVE HALFWAY! and randy drove the rest. he has his liscence, but wth, i drove!

when we reached, we were like VIPS! really! because of the company thingie, when waiting for checking-in process, we were brought to this room with velvety floors and tables. they served us coffee tea and juices. and *cookies*. really they were just loveletterbiscuits. they werent yummy but we got to watch shrek there. Then after that we went to our rooms, and slept. i shared a room with my bro. my mum and my dad one room. randy and phyn one room. their parents one room. ah can say its all paired. jana and her mum. and yah. many more but anyway.

in the later evening, my parents brought me and my brother only to meet our relatives. they were kinda young but theyre cute. and one girl looks like me. pics will be up next entry. we talked somes, then had dinner. we ate in pitch blackness. so i didnt know if i ate a roach or something that sure had a roachy texture. but anyway.

we went home and slept. at around 3am, i snuck out and crept into randy's room. phyn woke up, snuck out to jana's and left me and randy there alone. so. we had such goofy fun like little kids throwing pillows at each other -_-. really. it was heavenly and not so heavenly too because by the end of it i was gasping for air and then i puked.

but we had good times. baffled, tired, at around 5 plus, we slept. SLEPT. ONLY. NOTHING MORE. then at 7, MY MUM knocked. so we scrambled for the tv and played his xbox. pretense. haha. by right we were happily sleeping. then my mum peeked in and saw me playing the game which i dont know whathell is about, so she let us off. she asked me to get ready for going out. so i did. i went without randy to my relatives again. they look so cheena. but anyway after that we had breakfast with the relatives, then went to this LOVELY HEAVEN WATERFALL. my bro and dad and i climbed all the way to the top, pics will be up soon. it was scary and tiring. and we had to grope on trees and stand on slippery rocks, but hell yeah we made it. had a swim in the fall and that was all. headed for a beach, climbed around, they had lunch, i was upset cus my food didnt come until everyone finished eating so i was sulking, merajok, the food late i dun wanna eat so i didnt and starved till i got home.

drank loaaads of water, swam with randy and phyn.... went back, too tired, DIDNT EVEN SNEAK to randy's room, i just knocked with a pillow and slept. on him. i think? then woke up next morning, had this glorious breakfast buffet with seawater (salty) food so i cudnt swallow much too cuz it was too salty. had smore swimming, played soccer by the beach and saw little disgusting crabs (they look like big clawwy spiders) and got carried by randy in the sea. DAMN HIM. anyway after that we went home.

oh and going home, we had to drive. no tickets. randy flew off to dubai.

i miss him. and so many other ppl.

i wonder if fafa and poji has returned.

had a nice goody good day with poji, qama, fafa and syqaaah! whoohoo! we laughed like faggots, camwhored like faggots, we were happy and gay and we did stupid things. if u saw five people on a field being stupid, thats us! YES US. muahahaha. imma gna msis angelangel syq, and my deardeardeardeardearestest bestestestestetstestetsetstetsetsttetstestetststiesssssssss. i cant emphasize on how dearly dear they are. and imiss ruz and dinah too. oh and anyway after syq left, me and fafa and qama and poj were trying to look for arabstreet place where people camwhore but we didnt get much of a satisfactory result. place was plain and i think we didnt make the right turn or smth.

but more to the day. after that, late in the afternoon, wait no, evening, met up farizal, cus didnt meet long time. but not for long ah. just spent abt 2hrs or so. den i went home to pack. i was damn tired. really, fainty tired. even farizal said i look weak. fulfilling, meeting sum1 lost in forevers in the back of foreverness.

in the train alone, i saw this mabok apek who was winking to everyone possible and drooling. so disgusting seh! bahaha.

but the surprise awaits me at home. randy was here. i was ecstatic. SUPER SUPER ECSTATIC.
i was practically jumping of excitement. until, something dropped out of my bag. LUCKILY MY MUM DIDNT SEE WHAT IT WAS. OR ELSE. DIE. DIE DIE. anyway, randy looked kinda pale because of the a lot of bloodloss in the morning. i dragged him into my room while my parents and his parents were drinking cups and cups of nescafe-milo thingies, and we hugged. i dont know why. and then we were scrambled on the floor, crying. i think its because im to blame that he has... then, with the so many people in my house, we just cried on each other and i felt sick of it all, he felt sick of it all, then we were... we. i felt i wanted to. but i couldnt. not then.. but i could. i shouldnt. its such a strong force isnt it? especially with randy.i wanted so badly to..but i couldnt..

but now i can. but i shouldnt.
me and alif, well i hope we're friends.
i hope things wont rot and wars begin, no please, i wanna live happily.
for the who knows last few years.

ah, life, begins tmorow. randy's fam will meet ours at 4.00. this HAS to be heaven.

imagine IT warm and... randy's eyes swallows me to heaven... i wonder how he.
pfft.
naaaaah. pffft. no wonder they call me **rny. BAHAHAH POJI/FA/QAMA.
my duckcowkambengfriends.

I WAS JUST ABOUT TO WRITE, NO WORRIES RYNN, EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY.

BUT NO! NOTHING WILL BE OK! NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. i just recieved a call, it was phynia, RANDY WAS SUBMITTED TO THE HOSPITAL THIS MORNING, BECAUSE HE BLED TOO MUCH. but he's out now, and i dun wanna hear what the doctor said about him. he has lung infection because once last year in NZ i was bleeding and he.... and he got it because of me. why does this pneumonic blood reaction sounds so much like aids? so infectous. although mine is worst, because of a broken artery.... but his is like blood infection. LUNG INFECTION. because of my blood! fuckit!

cold jellied blackness, i cant walk on this. i'll fall i'll trip. i dont want to think. the people i hurt because of unnormality. i dont want new friends! they'll ache hearing im dying! stop asking me to lepak with people i dont know! and to th martin who ask me to join his band... no! i want to.. but i cant, really! what if.. what if.... HUMILIATION! argh.

today, maybe at night we'll be going to near the causeway there to discuss again about the trip and change cash. convert cash. whatever. i'll be sitting at macs with randy phyn and my bro, and buy those curly fries because randy love them so much.

im scared im scared. everyone go away! i wanna shut myself. even my best friend cant bare see me bleed. he says blood makes him dizzy. I MAKE HIM DIZZY. what can i do? i cant help it. if i die bleeding, dont touch me. let me rot there, let me decompose and all the little insects will get infected by the lungs. i wonder if animals can get it too.

ah fuck it i dont want to think about it. i have so many things to worry about. i'll just worry about it tomorrow, or the next never day.

now all i should think of is thick curly french fries and ice cold cokes and sunny beaches and spas and saunas and a big wide cold swimming pool. URGH.

shitty days.

today, worn the day out with a little time spent with dinah. reached home at 7 after tiring myself out, laughing too much.... echoes.... angel. anyway, at 7.30 met randy's family at CAUSEWAY. pffffft. so just talk discuss about our trip, then went home. wasted hours.

thank you randy for the hot nike shoes you painstakingly bought for me at ahundred and 14 dollars. thank you. so much. i treasure it like i tresure u.

enough about REAL stuff. lets skip reality.

today, at school, i felt hollow. i needed to fill myself up with something. as everyone talked littles, i didnt speak much. each conversation echoes in my head, bouncing back and forth, each word like a knifed remorse... repeating itself like a broken record. my hollow head just repeats what it could, like like ITS SO EMPTY. yesterday's conversation disturbs me day and night, i had nightmares... GOD, dont make me die yet. i wont, i promised but its not in my hands...

i'm supposed to be excited about something. i just dont know what. maybe a good far away holiday. yes that. that would be such a nice, controversional, relaxing, mindless way of forgetting the scenes here. its all like an act, and act of emotions, which cant be controlled. black, cold, jellied black emotions.

yesterday.
i almost froze to death when i saw the number, etched on my hp screen. a number i always remembered, unrecorded, but i knew who it was. what was i to reply? what can i say. HELLO, YES YOU'RE FORGIVEN, WHY THE SUDDEN COMEBACK? DID U KNOW IM DYING? ARE U HAPPY NOW?

now, those words just rewrites itself in my head, and everytime i recieve an sms, i get the shivers, takes a lot of guts to open any new one. cant get over it. this is all making my head disorientated, disordered, im getting headaches everytime i think.

ahr, holiday, i cant wait, i need to jump, i cant wait.... i cant wait. i'll pop.

IM TIRED OF LISTENING TO U. I THINK U DONT KNOW ME. yes u dont know me! ARGH, WHO DO YOU THINK U ARE? no way you know anything about me. im not the lost depressed kid, PLEASE. u make me seem like i dont know my own way, like nobody is there. TRUST ME, THERES MORE TO MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY THAN U THINK. because when i talk about them, u simply dont care about it! YAH. and i have to bare with hearing about YOU. how YOU feel. how YOU miss me. how i MUST SACRIFICE for you. IT TAKES LOTSA EFFORT NOT TO ROLL MY EYES. YOU'RE TELLING ME THINGS I KNOW too clear.. I MAY BE SICK, BUT PLEASE, IM NOT LOST, IM NOT SUICIDAL, IM NOT ALONE. pffft. randys coming today. god bless him coming singapore today. and again, on thurs morn we'll both head m'sia together. THANK GOD RANDY EXISTS. MY SAVIOUR. the one man (man konon) that reads me like a book. i knew him for more than a year. yes. and at first hes just a PFFFT. honestly he was an irritating brat (RANDY DUN GET MAD) and now we're like siblings. like me and faizal. only not. there's gonna be some chinese bomoh coming my house to survey whatever doors and arrangement because the person whos buying my house wants things PERFECTTT. ohwell. everyone wants things perfect. but for me, now, i wanna wail for my bestestie friends, and my longdistance friends randy jana phynia and the rest. and angels, GAWSH, thank god they exist too, miss u threes. oh and the sweetest thing happened, 010208, i got tgether with dinaaaaaaaah! mwacks.

move with me.

im stuck in the middle again. i have choices that i refuse to make. i dont want to love and i dont want to hate. its easy to get lost isnt it. shut up. read. remember who we really are. im 15. barely. i dont have a real life yet. all i am now is to make a life. yes. in the process. im not yet adult. but im not a kid. im at a truly awkward stage. unripe, sketchy. crude. yes i am old enough for heartpains, but too young to find the cure. shut up. read. im way too old to be childish, and too young to be mature. im torn in the middle. i dont want to commit but i have to. i dont want to go on listening to you blethering about how funny your friends are. what, dont i have any? yes, we all happen to laugh more with our friends. im getting bored just thinking of what u said, what else listening to it. shut up. read. im not married. i want to race to greet the morning and go out and hope someone is brave enough to approach and be a friend. no, not approach and "will u be my beloved wedded wife". no im not ready for that. i have the love and care and concern and control that i need. i have a pair of parents, i dont need one more. i have losses and i have gains. i am good and i am bad. we all have our ways. why must we be glued by hands and by brains too? when i talk you just nod. okay. you find ur words so amusing. i dont. okay. theyre not interesting. some people come. some go. so what. when the time comes it'll be your turn, and mine. so what if you wake up and find i'm not there anymore? who cares now about how you feel. consider you never thought of how I felt. you say you understand. no. you were never in my shoes. never. and you wont ever be. you dont wake up and be afraid of dying halfway through the day or something. u dont have to make excuses because u're too tired. no. you are not me. but at the same time i dont understand you too. who are u? how would i know. i only know you for hardly a year. some people knew me for more than 3 years, (angel) and they still have things they dont know about me too. so why are you saying u do? i never told you.

so remember who you really are.

sighs. feeling unworthy. im falling. i love my friends. theyre there although they just LOVE bullying me, poking me, and making me MOAN. yes theyre so pervertic dirty, but i love them just the same.

today, one month with alif, okay. =)

ummm, went home ard 5+, met dinah outside sch she happened to be at amk, then we talked gosh i missed her. i miss her already now. and anw, we had fun. then we challenged ourselves to food, which she won but i think i won! PFFFT. the drink, i finished first okay. despos for sticks, we didnt get any though. haha. and we went home, she sent me, isnt she the sweetestest thing? i love my angel dinah. and then i miss syq and dear dear ruz whos missing now pffffft ruz! omggggg.

sighs. so vulnerably tired. this tiredness is exquisite and extremely unnatural and special. for me. tired. makes me. replenished when i wake up. and worn out at the end of the day. ahhrg.

Welcome to my dreamiest nightmare
when your so close but you never get there
There's some things you still need to say to me
Because My love,
Your my farthest Destiny

I never thought I'd say this again
The three words that you never said
The one phrase that breaks the heart in two
Because angel I love you

If I could turn the clock again
The same three words i wish i never said
The phrase that breaks a heart in two
Because angel I love You

Angel your the closest thing I've wanted most
but you still can't see
I say five vowels and three syllabels
They're unnoticed and you're so dreamable
I never thought I'd say this again

The three words that you never said
The one phrase that breaks the heart in two
Beause angel I love you

If I could turn the clock again
The same three words I wish I never said
The phrase that break the heart in two
Because angel I Love You