“All that I am, or hope to be”

June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 April 2013 May 2013 November 2013 December 2013 February 2014 May 2014 June 2014

its the end of the month. okayokay i admit time flew. and so did the number of people i miss. went up. and memories so sweet with people i love. and things i owe. i owe fafa qama money. even though they say its "blanje" I FEEL SO MEAN.

i must repay them even if its not cash-in. but haiya, poji is like MIA all the time now with. well. u know. *winkwink*. anyway, experdemicallisticmaterialisticsterilisedbrain friend JANA, is coming to singapore. I recieved an email, and wee she's coming. even though she MAY be annoying. really, she tails around randy like chewing gum stuck to his shoe.

oh but more about days. BEEN TIRED. i dont know if its me, the things i do, or my medication... really its just wilting me out. im so tired all the time. but i like this tiredness. makes me worthy of the day. today is very hot. and i had p.e. and i played games and ran and ran and laughed a little. and i was so thirsty but i managed to contain my dehydration will 4+ or 5.. thats when i finally had a sip of real water, besides a sip of the disgusting toilet tasting water cooler water.

tmorow is a month with alif =)

happy happy.

its still haunting me.

im so patheticly hanging on a string, hiding every single woe from everyone i love, exposing my weakness to everyone i know who wouldn't really care much. i....i just want to. i want. i dont know what i want anymore. i guess all i want now is happiness. i dont like this boring life. maybe its just the time of the year. the time when i get all sucked up and shitty. i cant get over it. ive tried rehabilitating myself again and again and it all makes me feel numb. im numb to the skin, to the blood, to the flesh, to the bone. i feel frozen off by an electric current that burnt my light away. this shittiness, oh please go away. please.

its still haunting me....stop haunting me..

woke up to one missed called: sayang<3.
and one sms: remee.

i was so damn tired yest because of my lung session. and after that we went to the valley place thingie. then we went msia. and fafa asked for gum.

this friday i want out! BOYFRIEND, GO OUT WITH ME. and maybe, we should visit old friends. u know i didnt see them for so long its killing me. remee said he'd be tehre if he's free. i miss all of them lah. bimo. all.

i miss my boyfriend like hell. i never really brought to mind how damnedfully tiring he would feel waiting for me like that. its like waiting for rain to fall in a drought. damn it. how suckish am i.! but i love him. now. i do. after all he did just for me. im so touched.

pfffffffft.~

fafa and poji and qama so silent today i miss them redi -_-

ohohoh and and congrats to erin and kimmie!
may u two last!

=D

horrible, horrible camp. i turned 5 times darker. we had a lot of activities. its like. the whole 2 and a half days packed with tiring, exhausting, sweaty hot activities. i swear it made me occupied. but at the end of the day i always felt dead. tired, empty, disgusted by the disgusting toilet, missing my bf, missing my besties (although i see them during breakfast lunch dinner) and missing my sweet alone time. through it all, i guess i barely gained anything, because im not afraid of heights, EVEN THOUGH the high elements are high some people had trauma some cried, im not afraid to be naked, im not afraid to be lifted by boys and girls and im not afraid to fall and im not afraid to walk in the dark dark with no torches along a jungly road especially if theres 4 other friends around. I GAINED NOTHING I TELL U.

pffft. then, yesterday after the camp when we reached school, dad was sposed to fetch but then he had a last minute thing with who knows who, and i had to go home alone with barely much money. i sat a while with besties fafa poj and qama, and mickey and aizal and kimmie and erin. and it was LONGGG since we actually talked like that. some time ago something happened and we were seperated into two. and i was with fa poj and qama. but yesterday it all came back. i miss hanging with them like dat. wasting nothingness time. but not everyday that'll be boring. we talked about our usual talks, until kimmie and erin left, then we talked fuckin dirty stuffs as per normal, with me being the girl explaining things they dont know and overly excited to know, and then we walked a bit and say gdbye.

it was a tiring walk home. but i made it by 7+ i think. reached home. and then my bf called and said he waited about 5 hours i was like omfgomfg. he didnt tell me he was waiting so i didnt know and my stupid hp was flat. REALLY IT WAS. i wanted to borrow phone from fafa abeh i cant call my bf cuz his pp low, wanna call his house scully he not home... so i went home uh. and i felt so shitty. =(

after explaining i washed dirty disgusting smelly sandy clothes and bathed and slept and woke up at 8 to qama's msges. hes like. funny sia. he said his shit so hard it cant go out cuz never shit 3 days redi. FUNNY OK! and we all turned as dark as niggas. hot, sexy, black, niggas. pffffft.

im tired. still. im going to see houses later. then im goign to hospital for my lung check again. then im sleeping. again.

goodfuckingwatever people. =)

been so busy i hardly have five minutes for me myself alone. but nevermind. its worth spending the time with u guys.

yesterday i went to school, teacher broke out, SCREAMED, and then school went on boring as per normal... bio teacher was like babbling about, ss teacher was rapping yet again... shamin and i laughed at stupid things, WE HAVE A HORROR CLASS! one keep crying one keep being happy one noisy one stupid one nerdy one whatver whatever. i miss 2/1.

well ok after that i went to meet fafa qama and poji. WE LAUGHED LIKE SHIT. AGAIN. it rained cuz we sang. i really had a stomachache laughing with them. the coin, THE FAFA SCREAM CUZ HE WAS SHOCKED OF A GHOST IN MY HP, haha, the stupid jackass show thing in qama hp, laughing laughing, ice cream= dick, suck, lick, lol, okay i should stop.

then since it rained i cudnt move unless i wanted to get really soaked so we 4 stayed there, then bought torches, then i went to mrt with fafa, rushing cuz i was sposed to meet alif, then we both went in and departed when fafa went downa t yishun. rushed home then changed and went downstairs. waited for alif, he came, we sat and talked awhile, then i had to go view house,so i left. then i went home, packed and sleep.

and now here i am, TIRED STILL.

for the idiot who caused mess in the end of 2007, u made the year leave with a bitter taste:
i'll take this camp as a holiday. i miss being unoccupied, like throughout the holidays. tonning and stuff. and eversince YOU came loose of me, my life totally turned for the better. i thank god for what happened even though it was the worst thing ever to happen to me. even though because of it i think love is stupid. and i think ure such a bastard, still. u know, u told me u changed, u never did. i swear u never did. now i dont know. and i dont care. just so u know im still mad. and i still hate u.

imma miss my bf. lovesss.

sec3camphereicome.

IT JUST HAS TO BE ME. JUST HAS TO. IM AN EASY TARGET, WHATEVER.

AND ANTS, I DESPISE THEM, FUCKING DIE U FUCKING SIX LEGGED THREE BODIED LONG EARED FANGY DISGUSTING IRRITATING STUPID FREAKS! pffft.

day started out ok. woke up, blablabla as per normal school tiring three sciences then after school got lunchtime performance. ash and friends came.

i didnt know how to react.



rainy day. woke up, bathed, as per normal, school dragged along, in the morning, recess and after school i bled -_-.

chocolateduckbestie was like "EWWWWWW" i was so sad! gah stupid lungs, myte as well explode and die kan! cheese, its so irritating i have to cover my mouth and drink my own metal-tasting blood! pffffft DUCKEY, IF URE READIN THIS, lols, sorry i had to bleed in front of u, i tried to keep it inside, it just came out, i cudnt help it.

i miss my boyfriend. like. alot.
and syq and ruz and dinah. hope theyre good.
and the other friends.

school's been so up to date ive never been so FUCKING BUSY. SERIOUSLY. god give me breathing space! go home, do work, clean, talk to parents, SLEEP. I barely have time for me-time and blog time and whatever msn and everything else this is pathetic! RYNN. Im a slacker why am i so busy! Bother having to wake up early to complete homework. AND imma be more busy im moving out! I'm like going to yishun while he's going to woodlands. We're switched isnnt it so sengaje liddat -_-.

im heating up im unconcsious of where im pulled to. im fine, trust me, im not depressed!!! IM PERFECTLY OK, IM NOT KIDDING!!!! NOT SARCASTIC! THIS IS REAL!

oh, in the morning, when i reached school, about to say hello to fafa la abeh tu my MOUTH, BLOODY SHIT LUNGS, bleed wrong time, fafa reaction was PRICELESS, he was like "BANYAK DARAH SIAL! GI SPIT GI SPIT!" and stoopid me swallowed it down because there was someone in the toilet i couldnt bare the shame of spitting whilst shes busy doing her hair and its like when i swallow redi fafa was like "jangan swallow u know later muntah". i was like "ya now u tell me."

then school, my being a VICE PRES in photography club CANCELLED cuz its not approved wtf sia we collected members all! ARGHHGHGH. I hope i dont sound like im rushing thru because i am! i really am! i wanna lie down and listen to songs and happy2 and talk to him and meet him and__________________________________.
>_0 i miss him. i love him.

i miss syqah. i miss dinah. i miss ruz. i miss randy. i miss all my friends. i miss miss miss holidays! grrfh. but i miss him most =p

sighs, everyones changing, i stay the same.

today started out pretty shitty with the mom and the dad and the shitts.

then, HE didnt go to work because he woke up late! then so we met. we walked around and had a real good time, really we did. it was all laughter and heaven and heaven. its like. heaven u know?

we talked and spent good time tgether. and it was like heaven. HEAVEN. i must repeat. lols. i remember us laughing so much. this is the firstest time in my life that i can laugh until liddat with a bf. seriously. it was like. okay. i can be myself.

ive never felt this before. its so deep, its like planted to the core of me, this feeling i cant explain its more than love.

i love him.

"ehy, dont snaap"

and he pouts at that -_- THE END.

woke up, alif called. so at 6.08, we met at causeway pt, talked a while, then he sent me till YCK and then went to work. He so made my day. (AND NOW I STILL MISS HIM) I was so happy, i was almost late, but i wasn't. But it was all worthwhile, you know he really takes heart and soul into me, i love that he cares. lovessslovesss.

Didnt meet fafa and poji in the morning. Then school carried on like !@#$ per normal. Chem teacher was funneh. But yeah thats it. Form tchers suckscore. Had to go for a date with them lah. Then after all these, FINALLY, met fafa and poji at heritage corner. My two bestestestieees. I love them lah. A lot. WIthout them. I dont know just what to do! Qama didnt come school today and he like HAPPY WE'RE SUFFERING WITHOUT HIM. gfffrghhhgrrrrh.

Then fafa go mosque, poji walked with me to the mrt and took the bus from there. I then met syq and we laughed like two crazy kids. Haha. 1st we went to the neoprint place and mimed words of songs make video lah konon ITS FUCKING FUNNY I SWEAR! UNTIL SOMEONE SHOOED US OUT. Then wanted to meet dinah so we took a bus and like lost tourists we were pathetically lost and laughing! HAHA. Reached rdy, got this funny brand called limsep, something like fishermans friend product type. And a TAT HUN on a van. PICS uploaded soon okay. Lols. Met dinah and tortoise and the alep guy i think. Sat soaked with them. Poor dinah coughed blood. im worried.

Oh wells, get well soon dinah.


darls, valentine's coming.

sucky fucked up day at school. but alright.

i met poji qama and fafa in the earliness of 6.45. Poji came on time, thanks bestestie, den qama came five mins later, thanks qama, and fafa came at 7.15, LATE ASS U. but still theyre my bestesties and i love them all lah ok?

then school went on as suckishly as ever. -_- i intend to work hard this years but the fucked upness is pulling me dowwwwn i feel like giving up but i shant. anw, met schmates, miss them

then, after school, fafa poji and qama walked with me to the mrt, THANKS GUYS, FOR TEMANING ME, despite the baggy pants u guys dun wanna show the world LOLlol! long pants ehh boy!

haha. anw then i met Alif and his friend. Laughed somes, had a good time just being there. Awkwardnism, but still <3

and ash is so getting on my nerves going I , I , I , I , I , I , and i -_-

OHWELL. GOD, I WANT A BETTER DAY TOMORROW.

im loving angels instead.





shit, no i shudnt, no i musnt, i cant stop rynn stop! this will reach you to nowhere. but it will! IT WILL. LOVE WILL. BUT! nooo! im so confused. help me. im afraid. but im so tempted. im falling again. but i dont want to let myself. what should i do? am i prepared? no. i am not. but i am. ive been so prepared for such a long time. the empty, desolate days... the loneliness. surely i need a cure. surely i need something special too. but. no. yes. no. i dont know. help =(

i miss love so much, i want it so badly now, i can die.
but i can live alone too.

sighs. achinggg.

happy long boring new long humid rainy boring lonely 365 more days.

yesterday ate dinner with family. Dad's birthday. Happy birthday dad. And then went to chalet, met randy. This i need to say. Randy, Phenia, Gallison, Indra, Mark and Iqmal (color of shirts on namesLOL) and I went to town. Three girls. Three guys. So we hanged out around town, we went to the outskirts of town and there was SNOW. Fake one, really! We played there. And open our mouths. IT WAS FOAM. EWW. Disgusting soapy chemical poisonous substance.

So then we watched the fireworks from there, and left at 12 exactly. Then went back to pasirris and went to the swamp. THERE WERE MANY PEOPLE THERE, FOR WHADEVA REASONS WHO KNOWS. Then we went back to our Aloha chalet and chilled near the sea with punch and really sugarless marshmellows that taste like used chewing gum. Lols.

I want him back too.