All that i am, or hope to be

“All that I am, or hope to be”

dear self

Thursday, August 23, 2007

today i faced many confessions.
today i saw the world beyond my ears.
i greatfully thank fafa and erin.
i really do appreciate sincerely that u guys told me whats happening.
at least iw ouldnt be so lost the last i remember.
but still.

alot of backstabbing happening.
IN BOTH OF MY WORLDS.

my usedtobe bestie had letted me go because "i couldnt fulfill him"
out of anger, for sure every bad things has to be said.
for goodness sake. i feel rotten saying all the bad things.

out of anger things happen.
observe.:

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME. YOU LIED TO ME. U USED YOUR MUM FOR COVERAGE.
FOR A SORT OF DISGUISE. U IDIOT. U ASSHOLE. IT WAS HER. IT HAS BEEN HER ALL ALONG.
NO WONDER THEY STARE AT ME SO WEIRDLY. PLEASE, OH, SCHOOL IS SMALL. IF SINGAPORE IS SMALL WHAT IS SCHOOL? NEWS TRAVEL LIKE WINDS.

YOU LIED TO ME DARLING.
ORMIGHT I SAY. SHE MADE U? WHATEVER.

and sincere apologies to whom i might have hurt.

hello me

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

general reminder: this post is not pointing to anyone/

i will be changing my blog link in a few days' time. im so fed up with some people.

people who are also known as losers that are so dependant on others to pretend.
gosh, get lost, i dont need losers in my life.

so if u dont want to give in then dont, for goodness sake whos asking u to?

SO IF YOUR HEART IS BROKEN, EVERYONE ELSE'S HAVE TO BE TOO?
FUCKING SELFISH IDIOT. IM NOT FUCKING GOING TO CARE NOW.
IF U DIE,
I'LL SMILE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
SAY MORE, I DONT GIVE A SHIT. FROM HERE ONWARDS U AND ME ARE NOTHING BUT
JUST ANOTHER BEING IN THIS STUPID WORLD.
IM NOT GOING TO SHARE ANYTHING WITH YOU ANYMORE.
SO IF U SACRIFICED FOR ME I SACRIFICED FOR U TOO.
U DONT SEE. ALL YOU SEE IS YOUR OWN PAIN AND MISERY MISERY MISERY.
U DONT REALISE WHEN U LAUGH OR WHEN U SMILE, FOR REAL. AND NOW ITS ALL ON ME.
FINE IF YOU DONT WANT TO HEED MY ADVICE, YOU DONT HAVE TO. YOU CAN DIE FOR ALL I CARE. GO DIE NOW.

well you might as well die right? since your life is so screwed and since youre such a BURDEN to society and friends? dont find me for help anymore. the only reason u hate me is because i dont love you. i cant love u. how to when ure like this? forget about it.
im leading a life of my own. i dont want to be influenced anymore. i have a brain to think for myself what is right and what is wrong.

i wont bother about you until blood is spilled
UNTIL BLOOD IS SPILLED.

sorry. sorry. sorry

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

one word that demolishes the past yet becomes a typical reminder.
one word that changes all yet begins and ends.

if i had the time, i'd spend it with you.
believe me im sorry.

day was good. spent the whole of the day with shamin. it was nice finally talking to her. oh well.

the trio or the double duo are making up for some performance. nevermind. im busy with my own band. and besides. our genres are far apart. maybe if i jammed with ash and all then it'll mean something. no criticism, just that ihave to be frank. bangla and fifi getting a bit ****ying.

I feel used AGAIN. once, they told me im their friend no matter what. fine im your friend but im not paid to be your sound manager or guitar operator or any shits like that.

yesterday met with remee and ass. BOY WE GOT LOST. OHMYFG. It's all my fault, sorry guys.

[i never had the nerve to ask.]
but can i stop loving you?

in the opposite.

for the sake of spasm

Friday, August 17, 2007

i swear i'll sleep forever if you never left my dreams
so while the world passes by i'll live in the frame of this pictures
of memories.

im sick.
everyone says im pale. this is making me look uglier.

humans, caring humans, dont be worried, rynn is perfectly fine.

tho my arms shoulders and back still ache.

BUT ANYWAY.
=)

hello.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

warning: emotions are flying everywhere, in every direction, in every person.

DONT GET INFECTED WITH THIS ACHING VIRUS.

this entry is specifically for a friend.
get it right.

your wake up calls are pulling you down, idiot. be energetic, dont be so weak. whats the use of looking at the bad side? TELL ME. does it give u money, hope, or confidence, or whatever you need now? what do you get by crying and doing nothing? PITY. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT.

if dats what you want, yes i pity you so very much, for i am your friend. FRIEND. note that. love is just not the right thing now. i cant force myself cant i? whats the difference if we were lovers or friends now?

love is completed with togetherness.
like friendship isnt?

your insides are fascinating.
this is so topsyturvy. i am a girl. arent i supposed to be more sensitive and you be more strong? what is it you want now? YOU KNOW i read your blog, wht do you think i feel? I cant run to u and lie about feelings.

i can say i have changed from the sadistique sober to the ignorant little twirp but its done me good. and now i feel ashamed for the bad that life has given me. yes, my self esteem is as low as ever, but giving things a try brings no harm.

BE THAT.

see, now u and your two friends are infected with this virus.
NO MORE. I WANNA BE THE DOCTOR.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

and oh yeah for a happy moment, this is rem's gawky face i was talking about. LOL.

what would i do without you guys? where do i turn to?
who will be my best friends then?

of course, schoolmates are close. but you people have guided me and never failed me. never have you done me wrong or betrayed me. i have hope in you three. meanings are inelictable. unexplained.

choke yourself...and

stop.

read no more.

hellooo

Monday, August 06, 2007

so recently didnt upload that much as per normal. i guess schedules are made to be recycled, or rather payed zero count attention to. despite these sorrowful blistering greyness of days, i must admit, i am consistently pushing myself to be as content. maybe, if i try harder, i'll get used to it, and will be as optimistic as ever like i must be. though, must remember, NEVER BE GULLIBLE.

i have spent rather a lot of time with mum, her being home, sick, unable to walk and stuff. but let's all pray she gets better. i dont wanna be a burden too.

ive also spent some time with my band except the bassist whos always not in the scene, and u know what! theyre so gerekkkk. introducing, guardian angels. OH YA. photobuckets screwed. upload soon =)
[sique.]
[remee.]
[and ass.]
and not to forget, precious (though sometimes dullfullable) moments with mick,fey2, tetek,poj, fa, zal, kimmie(<3) and sometimes aili tho i rarely spark conversations with him. TTK and zal are getting veryveryvery LOUD now that we're all used to each other already, and fafa's always missing due to NPCC NDP performance(HAHAHAHAHAH).
love is heading to KL from wednsday to sunday! OMG. i will dieeee. dieeeeeeee.

but i must live.

i hope rem's alright. no offence saying this but sometimes hes just very emooo. remz, there's hope, always. turn around and you'll see us right behind u, trying to push you up. but you must pull yourself up too. theres always the sun after a storm, there's always a shoulder to cry on. maybe i dont understand how you feel, LOSING A HP AND AN EXPENSIVE MP3. damn whats life without a phone. but we'll have each other.

this is truly MIA? lols. unintendedly, we lost everything, making it as if we're unreachable. well i have a phone. DEPEND ON ME?

lets try!

cheer up ass,siq,remz.

oh and i loveeee remz' gawky pose. LOL.