“All that I am, or hope to be”

June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 April 2013 May 2013 November 2013 December 2013 February 2014 May 2014 June 2014

i had nowhere to end because i didnt have a beginning. i know you don't understand my inside because i dont expose it for real. i don't understand what i'm facing and what made me deserve this. but i like the ups and downs. and i love running for something i know i have to get, and then get another word of despair for the mistake of stopping awhile to catch my breath. i love the swimbering hopes and dangling dreams, the empty feeling and fullhearted views, the lone and the sunshine, the wind and the storms.

the phone is a killer. whatsit for if you don't pickup, whatsit for if you don't bother? whatsit for if you said i'm the only one there? gosh.

and anyway, today i went out with syq, and it ended up messy. met a lot of people. ended up with band; attributingXenemies again. Guardian angels, i suppose.

well, today was okay.

i specialise this post. i have to.
Note to mother:
i want to tell you how much i love you. i can't explain the pain of seeing you in this situation. i want you to heal. i don't want a pain that is caused by a monster. i can't regret it, i can't say sorry for u. i can't apologise because i didnt do anything. i kept on recalling those sinful moments ive did to you. you may have caused me dismay, and sometimes i cry alone because of you, but come to think of it it's for my own good. i can feel you, i am part of you. please god, help her. please somebody, stop this pain she feels. but along with prayers comes effort. i can't just sit here shake legs and wait for the cure to drop from the sky. i can't let this happen to my own flesh and blood. no, not mum.

this is S.NAD production.then more abt me.



widened eyes, gasps of surprise.
i cant believe these few days, days of which sometimes i feel like crying when i laugh and laughing when i cry. everyday passes with a "today shall pass like yesterday, as fast as it did"

and i cant believe i took what im not supposed to take. i cant believe these few days.

the best of my days had disappeared, i feel so high.

all this amazing time amazing pressure amazing seconds amazing things that i never noticed?

and things that ive been guessing and hoping would never happened, well it did. and you'll never believe how my aspect of life changed so very much, how appretiation is equallized to love, how shame turned to pride.

and how smooth-sailing escape routes have turned to messy right paths.
how the idiot lied about me and how the loved helped me.

and;

you know u have a messy sex chromosone.

naturally im worried but i know im not alone now.



im taking my chance, i wont feel sicky about this ever again. strong! hehe.
and now i know everything by heart. just have to follow the same old routine, i know im capable. certain things driving me crazy yet im still superior to who i am. i shall not be intimidated by these thoughts. should not be influenced by these horrifying scenes. and i will begin and i will end, like evrything else.

damn youre so wicked i almost thought you're possessed.

and as the air blows on my skin, my hair flies with the breeze, though unable to do so properly, as wherever its blown to it still stays where it is. we're all the same, we all go through what we do.

i musn't recall the yesterday blues, and go on to tomorrow's who knows happy days?

and this dumb shadow hanging over me are just a blockage from the light. yeah well enough of all these.

more about today. it was typical, i was late, i was close, i was running everywhere, i had so much to do, im learning, im focusing, im loving him, im loving life [without forcing myself to do so], im taking what im given and giving what i can give.

so yeah thats pretty much abt it?

and anyway.
tmorow.
A MONTH.
it passes so fast...

SO. YESTERDAY we went to th DUMB thingie at the farfar away place. THERE was nthg to do and mostly MILO was the main thing but it was okay since i had company!!!!!

Then we walked to change, and took the train to marina bay.
it was a good day.

heres some pics lhs.









there are many more, refer to erinbaby's blog.

its difficult lah to update all here.

today is also a good day.
but yesterday was good too.
it was really a good day.









it was really a good kiss.

TODAY WAS great!

GREAT.
greattnessonthesoul lah!

well, started out VERY typical. met bangla and fifi in the morning. somehow i missed everyone this morning. and then at the ps met baby. and sat down, and karen introduced to me these two chains that is so so so sweet! its like, for couples, from couple lab. Its so expensive. But its cool lah for a couple to have the exact same thing. As in, sweet lah. Then PE we just ran like fools and maths i just babbled and sang. And then at recess!

Shamin is like fuggin sweet. She bought me a drink, and gave it to love, and made love deliver it to me! and love did!

and at that moment i felt like hugging love, AND shamin.
haha.

then after school met the whole rest of them. jammed a while.
then the soccer boys went off for the match. we lost =(
but at least they tried lah! so yeah while watching i just sat there with fifi and stare stare stare lah. we just look at the match, passing glasses cuz i cant see! and talked about lame shits. We didnt know what to do. We just felt idiotic there but half enjoyed the time telling each other stories. LOL dont ask.

and then when they're done with soccer i and fifi went down to meet erinbaby and sukh, bangla and kimmie<3. then we go ***** and went to central. then we laughed a lot. DUE TO bangla's stupidity. Took a few pics, i'll update when photobucket WORKS again.

i had a good time with love. and baby! and all the rest lh. Really i did.
it would have been complete if i just plucked out the courage to...
but nevermind, everyday is always coming.

and i'll upload pics soon.

thirsty.

Today was alright.



I was too detailed to love just now i feel so lazy to detail today out. SO i'll just use pointers.

-went to school.
-slept.
-brushed my teeth
-took a long bath
-met love
-met love
-love love.
- took drugs~
-saw misunderstandings.
-ran from enemies i hate.

yeahyeah. dont worry its not those kind of drugs. but its still
as cool and as curing. literally, nowhere emotionally or wtv shit.

wipe me off this mess.
wipe my tears like wiping rain off your window.
wipe me off evryone except for u.

let you be the only one who knows me.
let me be the only one who knows you.

i'll wipe you off them all. we'll be strangers to them. and we wont ever get to know them ever again. we'll be just the two of us. JUST THE TWO OF US. i wanna be selfish about love.

oh dreams.

i have nothing left to say.
this is just proof im awake.
and i did my hwk. TAKE THAT JACKASS!

grrrgh.

i need Love.
i miss him.
=(

BUT YAYE TMOROW WILL BE ANOTHER DAY! to see Love!
LOLS. miss brightside but darkinside~
........nehhh
im sooooooo not like that anymore.
i'll just wee~wee~ my day through and sleep my night away.

sleep my night away.
just like that.

..........because there's no point staying up all alone.
staying up talking to myself.
talking to my mind.
not even talking.
barely alive.

..sighs.
keep it up.
people think im hapy.
lets just stick it that way.
im happy, right?
RIGHT!!! =)

the coldness of every night, every single sound could be heard, even the walls have sounds, even the air makes movements...

And then i recall all the past and recents. Everytime u leave, the air will be so still, like this, and then the fire burns off, and all hope seems lost. How could you leave me like this? But you do come back, and the flame keeps flickering on and off, i try to synchronize my movements, but i'm so blank..

I can't live like this. I see you everyday yet i miss you everday too. How can this be? This feeling is so deep, i can't possibly put it in words. Its too indefinite.

Sometimes, i feel left behind, sometimes i feel like in the center of all the attention. Sometimes i want to be alone and sometimes i dont. But most of the time, i just wish you're near... somehow.



Dreamless nights, haunted by your words, fallen down, picked up, and pushed back again. I don't know how i really feel. Im lost. SO lost.
But i guess this is just part and parcel of life.

Like the people i care for, i care for myself too, and everyone does, even if they say they dont. Because everyone is selfish one way or another. Selfishness isn't just about sharing. Its about words too. And actions. And everything else that matters.

And statitics won't lead us where we want to, it just tells us where we've been.

i wish you're here tonight.
i feel like i forgot to bring my heart home.

so here i am, so still, so very still,
until i think i forgot to breathe.

stayed back after school with baby and waited for love.

then his parents came and it was so cute when he got panicked. LOLS. and then he went off, and i went to his area to meet him and friends.

im so grateful for the people always there for me.
thick and thin.

presenting.

BANGLAAA


FEYFEY[FIFI}


BABY!!


FAAFAAAAAA


AIAI!!!


and last but never forgotten,
KIMMIEEEE!<3


it was tragedic, really, but what to do. i didnt expect this, not now not ever. though, whatever happens, i must remain as who i am, i musn't cry anymore, i musn't worry, i must live and continue living the same way, and be as happy as what happy is. Oh well. I have the people i love always with me, and i must always continue making friends. Today was one hell of a slackish day. I just remained home, calmed, almost lonely, but thanks to love and friends, i was alright, am alright, SHOULD always be alright. I dont want to vent my temper on any innocent friend, so yeah. well. Now i don't know what to do. And btw, i just want to say, i brushed my teeth so hard and many times to day cuz its hot, and then i needed a chiller. Sometimes i feel like bathing in toothpaste because it's so cooling. Has.

Last friday was such a love story that keeps on playing in my mind. I wanted to meet love and i came all the way from home to school to meet love for barely 5 seconds. I love love too much, i can't bear not meeting love. Love is special. Love is something, someone i'll sacrifice alot for.
And now i feel like sacrificing alot to my family We're falling apart for goodness sake. I won't fall, though.

And my addiction to camwhoring has officially increased again!

all i wanted was your love,love,lovelovelovelove~

last night alif(spits,spurts,andpukes) msged me, telling me that he heard i have a problem and that of i need help, find him.
WAD PROBLEM SIA?and for what find him sia?
we'll end up somewhere else if i find him.
where? AT MY HOUSE.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEE. yesterday's sight of him wasn't pleasant but it WAS suprising.
when we were , he said "i dun wanna hang out with them anymore. i want to hangout with jeniffer deathwish people" WELL LOOK LAH!
dah sleng, muke !@#%, mintak rokok tak stop. tak tau support diri. sexmaniac, eeee ade hati
wanna be with me! what was i thinking man. who? "alif"(azhar)la. sape lagi.

I really dont go well with these kind of people. Oh well. TODAY IS ANOTHER DAY.
And tomorrow's monday! FINALLY. I can meet him lahh!

And fuck the idiots, there can only be alif or the other two guys i used to hangout with, that go say the unthinkable about me and someone. FUCK WHOEVER THEY ARE.

NEVERMIND. i can live without u people. assholes. want to make people's life suck for what? go fix your sucky life first lah. bodoh. YOUR BAPAK EMO POSER LA!

hurrr.
okay now im eased.

lose me, im not important, recall all the bad things u said about me that u thought was funny, that you thought i could take, that u promised not saying, but u did. recall the things that u say behind people's back, but didn't tell them, so why must u tell ME what u said behind my back? why? imagine if i were to say what i thought of u.

i bet u'll pretend u didnt even know me.

Okay so today i went to PS to meet azri,biman,adriana,raf,dan,syahidah,and so many more. Saw TWO. TWO. TWO!!exs. WHY WERE THEY THERE? To hell with the answers. I was reelly disgusted. But oh hell. I really dont like them. somehow.

Well besides the tiredness and the hate, and the alot of things happening that make me go OHSHIT, it was quite a welldone day. They are nice people, they LISTEN to what I have to say. Like. Cuz our age span is near. Ah hello new friends.

Well to someone out there.
Im answering your post, SOMEHOW.

Dude, get a hold of yourself, dont be soooooo emo lah! Fuck emoness. WHOTHEFUCK looks at appearance? DO I? look at my exs. and then, laugh. What were you thinking?COMEON. I know what you think i dont know. But i just kept quiet. Because i hardly have a shit to say. Nothing else to say to you now. Fuck it. I dont give a shit anymore. To hell with everything. I KNOW WHO I WANT TO LOVE, WHY AND, HOW I CAN FORGET ABOUT YOU.

urgh. PEOPLE. sheesh.

oh what a day.
i am very very tired. went back and forth and running and jumping and rushing all over the day.
everyone said so much without saying anything.

when love is so deep, i know now, how much sacrifice it takes.
i'll give up everything in my life just to see you for the last five seconds of it. but that wont happen. we'll live long i hope. and now im so beaten and battered. so shocked yet happy. sweetened by your words yet bittered by their actions. fuck what im going through. but i love this life i live with you.

and we live in this world, life's short, and what's long is never forever, yet for how far this may lead us to... we don't know, and we never will be given the chance to know. our expressions, all swallowed with feelings of guilt and disguise, come let's all step out, and stand straight, and tell the world who we truly are. let's show off our skin and let their eyes pry on our moves.let's be ourselves and smile about it. let's not be FAKES and face truths. let's be who we always wanted to be.

im straight.
i wont lie.
but it'll hurt.
OH BUT FOR ALL I CARE.
call me the girl who doesnt give a fuck.

i love who i want to. let me. you're nothing to invade into my life. you have your own to guard.
so get your butts off my shoulders. its disgusting to all the senses.














last night we went to night safari again. and it was quite tiring. just seeing animals. embracing nature's golds. oh well.

after that we fetched kakana cuz she works there as a photographer or smthing like that. so we lingered, and slept outside the entrance till 12.15 when everyone was gone and place turned ghost town-ish. Lols.

Then we went to some cck cemetery. Weirdness, i didn't feel or hear or see ANYTHING at all, but i did freak out before entering. I just slouched and crammed myself in the seat, with a pillow in my face, though once i reached insde, i was bouncing away saying "boring, there's nothing!" -which ruined everyone's suspense.

Well so far yesterday was pretty good. I have something from mum that i love SO much. I love her. I should really realise how much SHE loves me. Sometimes i think of her as a barrier to my enjoyment. But truth is, she is the one who gives me all the happiness i want. I might one day post about how much i hate her here, but, dear self, please remember, she brought you up.

And after that, i have a wondeful someone who is so damn sweet.
Even though his intentions might not come true, he's trying so much to make me better, make me happy... He might be of young age, and his 14th birthday is.... umm. 3rd september. I must keep that it mind... -forever. He is LOVE.

And i have a superfriend, ass. Who is more like a brother now. He's nice, and sweet and makes me laugh a lot. I love his company. There's always some happening. Even though if we meet everyday, there's always something new to talk, and laugh about. Isnt that great? There's never boredom. There's always SOMEthing. =)

Well i guess i better head outside.
Dad's calling out my name like he didnt see me for a hundred years.