“All that I am, or hope to be”

June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 April 2013 May 2013 November 2013 December 2013 February 2014 May 2014 June 2014

desperately finished my ciggs last night.
Pampered myself with a pillow and a glass of bad tasting something.

Drifted to sleep after 17sticks after two boxes.
And boy, i slept well.

Woke up by a pale shade of blue light.
And a figure of someone i've always knew,
someone i'll just not mean to love...

With the face that brought me goosebumps,
so ugly, so unangelistic...

Mum cried while visiting the just awoken me and brother.
She asked if dad's coming home.
I said i dont know, and pretended to sleep,
fully horrified by the expressions she beared.

Her face was as pale as the blue light, and her hair
just hanged without its glow,
her eyes were bloated and her eyebags bloomed with sorrow,
her lips tainted pink, and her smile forcedfully fake.

then when she left the room, i tossed towards the wall,
writing on it with my finger, tracing what inner words
can never be outspoken, when i heard my little brother cry.

Tomorrow's his birthday.

I turned slowly towards him, hoping he didnt notice,
when i saw his bloodshot eyes, and tears smoothly
flowing from his eyes down his cheeks,
crashing onto his bed.

i hesitated on my next move,
and decided to listen to songs.

Oh god.

sleep again, danny, wake me up, i think im dreaming.

Is life real?

im so sick, im so lost, i dont need help but i dont want to carry on anymore.
i hate this.

blurred vision.
always remember this death will be my decision.

I AM SO LOST.

hahar. today was funneh~
and i cant believe i missed a sharul.
lols. well met him lah. he absent 3 days.
but sharul, sorry sorry, i dont think....
erm.

i feel so weird. and well, today wasn't as bad as yesterdays,
but it still is, because.

because. i asked a few questions. to someone.
and he gave good answers.
till it made me sad. =(

ahhhhh get over it lah.
new loose leaf~ instead of dear self,
DEAR PAGES. hah. i got commented by ppl today.
"rynn why you always alone ah?" [converted to eng.]
and i said "oh, no, im used to it, yeah."
"you look so sadistic. ppl might think u're arrogant cuz u dont talk much."
and i said "its ok if they wanna think that way. but when ppl talk to me,
well i reply, right?"
and she said "yeah. ure not what we all thought u were after all."
oh THANK GOD SHE SAID THAT.

and boy i miss my bestie.
cant get over it. i was thinking otw home just nw...
i havent gotten over my bestie.
i havent gotten over HIM.
i havent gotten over a lot of things.
this is making me move slow.
well buck up, bitch.

here i go.

im not taking control of myself, others are.

this is so wrong. i feel sooooo torn.

im shredded to pieces and brought to different parts of this effing world.
and i dont think theres a way out.

i want my best friend back.
ever since he got his gf now, or today,
and ever since yest's incident,
he said,
we pretend we dont know each other.

thats killing me.

keemie.
i'll miss you.
gd luck with ur gf.
i'll rmmbr ur as a real
good best fren.

and, trust me, VALENTINES DAY SUCKS.
and sorry to all the ppl i hurt along the way today.

i just feel so bad.
these days hasnt been half worthy living for.

now i dont have a shoulder to cry on.
my shoulders are too heavy with the world on them.

frend, dont stare at me like i'm a stranger like you used to ever again,
please.

stop me from mutilation.
stop me from smoking.

"just a friend"

i hate that phrase.

cn i die of hearing it?
im alredy dead inside.
this day cn get any worst.
my life cnt get any worst.
PLS?

yesterdays gig wasnt half worth my time, money and punishment.
Only four appreciated bands, two appreciated friends, and a group of
noisy people, surrounded me. And otherwise, its all a nightmare.

i had a hard time managing my worthless time.
I had to squeeeze time for fred, and farhan and nadia,
and asrizal. Its soo.... stressing. Lucky me ashraf just didnt turn up.
or else or else.

gergh.

farhan called me 3.53 am just to tell me he broke up with mandy.
And then he called me again, at 4+, muttered sth under his breath,
and then got angry, and said BYE.

conclusion: he's got too many balls to choke upon. grrr.

LEAVE ME ALONE.
I WANNA BE ALONE.
I AM MORE BETTER OFF ALONE.
DONT CHASE AFTER ME.
DONT DIE FOR ME.
DONT CRY FOR ME.
i dont mean to make myself look desperate.

im sucha fucking fucked up idiotic bitchy whore.
I CANT BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING TO HIM[s]
IM SO INCREDIBLY DAFT.

i shall not name what happened.
its so embarrassing and weird and lost.

make me scream my lungs out, i dont feel like breathing anyway.
sheesh. im in such a fucked up cocoon situation.
and should i say i'm loving it alot?

i guess not.

shasha's in the hospital.!
OMG, SHASHA, GET WELL DARLS.

and 10th gig cming up soon!

dont feel so going-able. bangggg.

forced to go for therapy again.
cuz im caught trying to jump off.

AGAIN.

sheesh how irritating cn life get.
and anw.
today went for shooting.
wasnt great. but fun uh.
i love my ncc-mates.
but i hate being left as if invinsible.
i hate me.

and im so sick of this life.
heh, call me emo, sheesh.

fucking fucked up with things nowadays.
i get to choose yet im forced to endure a decision
made not by me,
but by somebody i dont know with me all the time.
in me all the time.

and whoever that person is,
shes killing me inside out.

rain hasnt been happening.
i need the cold.

so i can ask for warmth that cn never be asked for in this
heated up busyfull rushing condition.

hey, give me space will you?

ergh. if i die.
well that death is my decision.
sheesh i hate therapy.