“All that I am, or hope to be”

June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 April 2013 May 2013 November 2013 December 2013 February 2014 May 2014 June 2014

dafhira was like: too bad life sucks you're so cool but u turn out GAY.
i cant believe she said dat straigh to fifiq's face. WTF. poor fifiq. but ala. who cares abt them. they are a couple anyway. whad fifiq said did matter though.

"all u do is pretend you love me, why? if you say im gay then get a man. im inhumane, remember?"

i was a bit shutted then. words hurt more than actions would ever. and yet actions work more than words do. complications.

im going overseas. WISH ME LUCK. im so so so scared.

i feel unwantedly wanted. what if somebody comes up to me and...
you know blog.
what do i do?
i dont wish to break hearts and i dont wish to fix them.

tell me why this must hurt so much.
why why why.

it seems simple.
but no matter how it hurts
the pain feels slow.
slowly sinking in.

all the fakeness in your eyes.
all the tears i shed for nothing.
all the fucking lies.
the fucking lies you created just to get attention.
argh.
this shouldnt matter, BUT IT DOES.

it hits hard on my face.
the fake truth. FAKE.

i know. everyone's got one.

A STORY TO KILL ME; EVERYONE HAS A STORY TO KILL ME.

im so so so so sorry.
and i know u dont read my blog but still.
i didnt know u had...u noe.
and i never thought this'll hurt u.
please, im soooo sorry.

i regret, and yet i dont.
im scared and yet im not.
im laughing but im not hapy.

WHY WHY WHY.
U WERE SO NICE BEFORE.

arghhh.
do u think it hurts much to die?
its hurting so much more to stay alive now.
i'm going to find out how much it hurts to die...

to that guy thats mad at me.

ergh, im so so sorry. i didnt tell u yes i didnt i didnt want to hurt u i thought when u found out for urself it would be better, please dont make me the one who make ur day bad.

and to my ex taufik aka fallency, i hope u'd just fuckoff. what is it u want? i dont remember anything abt whatever u r lah pls. i dont regard u even as a friend. fucktard.

"they say; i already have a pussy, i dont need another one"

todays perrtie boring. but definitely cold. so cold i can see my breath.

DATS cold.
and.... i hate mrs chia. stab stab stab. *drop dead*

errr. tmoro gg to pri sch. i just hope im not UGLY there. cause i feel i am, already very very ugly in school. im so sick.

now im plainly topicless. just one big sigh and a sorry.

"dear diary, mood;apathetic..."

Uhh today was alright. Kind of cold in the morning. So cold i froze. Oh well.
Hmm, sriously, today is normal. But when i reached home i felt so...

ALONE.

Nice seniors talked to me and adilah. Haa. And yes theres a story from one of them kakaks and i need to know as soon as possible.

Errrr. Got nth much to write. I miss i dunno what. OH. Maybe i miss salmah and tipah and pe'ah... and freak. True we're seperated, but... We still are us when we're together. Cant wait for thursday.

"the way i dress make everyday feel like halloween."
"i must be emo."
"stop my breathing and slit my throat, i must be emo"
"i play guitar and write suicide notes, i must be emo."

HAHA, THIS I DUNNO IF ITS EVEN A SONG, BUT GO DWLD IT, ITS BY HOLLYWOOD UNDEAD, THE SONG TITLE IS I MUST BE EMO.
GAWD ITS ADDICTIVE.

"when i get depressed i cut my wrist in every direction..."HAHA
"i look like im dead and dress like a homo"

"i dunno diary. ure my best fren. but try talking less."HAHA

school sucks more than ever when the people i hate so much is in it.

and there are a few, though i shall name only one.
HAKIM. yea dat sec 1 fucktard. i duno why i just hate him.

oh so much.

OH WELL.

and yes, i know, i know patience is a virtue, but i cant, CANT, CANTTT WAIT.

and dont go WAH when i tell you the truth
ITS ALWAYS... abnormal.

erm.

13 nov. dinah bdae.
2 nov adila bdae.
30 aug. tipah bdae.
11sep. mum
7 sep..KAKNA.
4 sep kak attiyah


EH WTF WHY PPL SAY I PLAY TIMER?
IM NOT IM NOT IM NOT
this is soooo irritating.

WHO THE HELL TO TIMER WITH?

gawd, help me.
i need some trust from u ppl.
and esp him.

or.
i'll break my promise and c__ AND c__ and h___ and d__

she had something to confess to.
give her the time. she needs it.
pay attention on her. she's only pretending.
only pretending not to know.
pretending she's just INNOCENT.

thats what you all think.
she's a sec 1. whats the worst?
shes too young to understand.
she have yet to go through life.

SO WHAT IF IM 13?
im more stupid and imature.
YEAH. SO I RUN AROUND LIKE AN IDIOT IN SCHOOL IS IT? and chase after guys when they say sth to me, LIKE ALL SEC 1 DO?

OH GOD. FOR SCREAMING OUT SILENTLY.

i'll say it when i can.
when im alone with you.
when you cant get anywhere else.
where the area is somewhere i know WELL.
where nobody else can listen

where its all just a lie.

dont adore me
dont ignore me.

Its pasted all over my face.

SQUARISH THOUGHTS trapped in an open box.

Haiyoo. I dont know what im missing. But hell yeah theres something. I feel so...
LEFT OUT.

Outdatedness. Or maybe i just dont want to know anything at all.
Thats why i feel left out?

wait. i shouldnt. n dun feel sorry for me. its not abt me. its never been. im always an extra in a tale. always an extra in a group. now i realised that. i'd rather go solo.

Errrgh. The time when everything falls back into a hymn of misery.

........Some beloved help me pls?

And yeah. I guess before anth happens.
I dun rili care abt my x anymore.
If hes gonna get fucking with a new girl
go hed.
And if hes gonna die for it.
Oh yes pls go hed.

Happy happy
rainbows
butterflies
hearts
flying pigs
happy.

its over. shes finished

i published my feelings

my expressions so revealing

my wasted hopes all fading

my tears my eyes im crying

my fren died
im dying.

ARGH

i tried contact-ing khai but failed. i dont wish to turn up at blk 104 today. I dont want to die yet.

so yeah i cant hide it anymore.
CAN U TELL THERE WAS AN ACCIDENT EARLIER?
at 12.48 he died.
fadli. my far cousin and friend.

at 12.50 upon readin the sms he sent me that stated fadli's death, i half died..... SIGHS, OUCH, WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHYYY. They ALL said its his time..but.. His mum blames me. And almost choked my mum to death. I mean, wtf?

The moment i read that sms, i was trembling. I felt all the blood rushing to the ends of me. The coldest sensation took over. My hands felt so shaky, and i quickly shuffled the phone to the girls. Shamin and Adila's expressions changed. The rest, HAPPY.

Thanks shamin, thanks adila. The first thing dila did was to put her arms ard my shoulders while shamin examined the msg over and over again. I guess i was stoned i didnt cry...YET.

Then my senses came and i spilled. They guided me to the canteen and along the way there were so many people watching me...CRY. It was like the world is passing by sooooo quickly and ure only standing still. The tense in my head, the hard feelings, the missing the loss the regrets the surprise the confusion...the reality.

Cant hide it anymore. I feel so guilty. So wrong. So stilled. For once, time, please hurry, let everyone forget, PLEASE. Well, thanks to everyone who told me it was going to be ok. U guys just wont know how it feels like.

It would be ok, but not so soon.

I hope khai's alright. Mum said he was as if hes dead. There, sitting still, staring blankly, pale and white... and deadly-ish.

Haiyo. So this is why. Everything is related. Cause on thurs in sch i felt this feeling i wanted to cry, but dont know why. Now its all so clear. Perfect sense.

Wasted3. And i wonder, why the younger seniors and older seniors just dont click well now. I know i'll never get to know. I mean, like whad am i ryte to be told. But of course i know, i just wanna pretend i dont.

....pretending everything is ok is FUN

to farihin my best friend.

dont care abt what they say larh, i noe ure always insulted, and i know you always stand up for your rights, but always fail, but theres always a way right, so yeah. and why must u care that they say i hang out with a kental kid when im with u, ure not, they think u are but ure not and they are. err, im not sure you're reading this, but if its my fault im sorry. i dont mean to be the cause of ur hard feelings.

and anyway, u ALWAYS want grape gums, dont you? no other flavor is it.
haiyohh.
-_-

taste of the option.

errrrh, desperately rushed home, EMERGENCY, my bro, haiyo he uhh. Then bored. So then i went out with nina and syq. And then we took fckin emo pics and laughed at juicyness and pretended to kiss[miss it,LOL] and... errr.

attempted suicide by jumping? HAHA, we didnt, but we felt like, but we didnt want to, we just wanted to hve fun.

Errrm then there's this padi and friends. Really i dont know their names, but their ite-ans staying in my area. Lepak friends. Many. And theres this afro dude who looks like arif from sch. LOL, funnylar, his hair can store books. no offence. so i sat with them for abt 10 mins when syq and nina left. then i went home, almost 7 redi.

at home, sat, drank(water), and woosh-ed to the comp.

then im bored.
ANYWAY, kakraihan, happy 15 birthday!!!
anything u want?

KILLsmileCUTITOUTformeCUTITOUT.
................miss you.

today dam fcking tiring.

morning. had p.e. 3 rds of srp.
I think while running someone called me from level two. err shall nt be named. SORRY. I WAS IN AN EMO MOOD. couldnt look up. was down.

then played football. u would laugh. i couldnt even kick a ball PROPERLY. Haaa, thanx desmond d rest for not getting mad at me due to my lack of skills and enthusiasticness-nism.
And many funny things conquered into my mind. Like my uniform and my name, some stupid drawings and other freaky stuffs thanx to shamin, which helped me forget EVERYTHING about science test.

And dadadadadada school ended. then i watched the 3ds play soccer. look at them oso tired sia. but well done dey played gd. I went home at ard 6.30.

smiles*

And when i reached home i became so irritated. Its IRRITATING. Everyone at home is. SO many questions. Things like "do u noe its already 8.pm?" OF COURSE I KNOW.

haiyo.

i feel bad. real bad.
ask me if im ok.
if i say i am.
IM LYING.

so much for hope.

abandon best friends. immorethanafraid;imasphyxiating.nomoreangelsnomorenothing.

i'll show a smile.
too weak.
share with u?
could i only speak.

everything falls in great timing doesnt it? frm nw i just wanna shut myself up, this will cut through my days, and seeps into my dreams, and i dont think anybody would pay attention to what i feel, but its ok, i owe them their ignorance. dont reach up for me. im

DOWN.

DONT LIE TO ME.

DONT EXPLAIN.

NO NEED FOR THAT.
DONT DECLARE. DONT SHOW. DONT TELL DONT LOOK DONT GIVE A DAMN DONT LIE DONT LIE DONT LIE DONT LIE.

PLEASE. STOP THIS FUCKED UP THING.

FUCKED UP, READ THIS, FUCKED UP.

ITS GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH ME I SWEAR.

Can somebody come up to me, pat my back, and say its all alright, that im okay, everyone's okay, even though its one hell of a farking lie. Lies.

If frienship is supposed to last, how come it doesn't? And why do i need time most when its my greatest enemy?

Err, lets open a lie. TOO bad ure beautiful. You know, i scream softly in the mirror every morning.[im ugly lar.]

The day laughter dies will be the day i live properly and smile.

Im so topicless. I dont have much to say. But day by day im changing into someone... or rather something i dont wish to be. I want to talk to somebody.

someone who'd comfort me, somebody with that warmth that'll bring me to ultimate safety...

errr. i hope everythings ok. i dont like mentioning names in my blog entries, its better off to be... UNLABELED.

"when i feel the melting sensation, my hands grow weak and i feel tired and i just want to collapse on you."

eh seriously got nth to talk abt. school was boring, specially in krishna's lesson,and i had to go home early due to demand from mum, and when i was home i didnt noe what to do, so i stupidly worried about... uhh, stuffs and people and him, and.... and den i just have nth to do again. EH WHY IS IT THAT LIFE'S GETTING SO BORING UHH?

Make things happen, PLEASE. And u noe 8.28pm. lookie at the time below this entry, and calculate just hw long i took.

STUPID RITE.

I have no idea of what im feeling.
What im doing,
What im thinking,
What im seeing,
What im hearing,
What im wondering...

I dont even know what im writing. Apologies, people beg for them, and when they get them they ignore them.

You're BEGGING for somebody to say sorry to you, and when he/she does, you ignore them. WTH. What existence of stupidity may that ever come into?

If hurting somebody means so much, why not hurt yourself.

2nd update for tonight. Well presently i have a lot to say.

I just feel i owe everyone something. Well everyone except for the fucking fucktards. Now its just the thought that emerges.

And i changed, strangely, i HARDLY get angry nowadays, why? Overcome by otherwise. Uhmm. Ok. Is 9.07. I wonder how long and stupid i looked when i stared at the screen thinking of how to spread out neatly of what i have to say. Sorry if theres any hatred, or sth that might had hurt anybody, because really its just what i feel.

The boy who hurted my gd friend SYQ.....GAWD another known fucktard. Whats wrong with people nowadays? Nothing better to do.

Ergh, FAHMI, once, he came up to me, and gave me a **ss and cut me deep. Whats the motive of doing all this. One phrase.Fuck you. He open-ed the wounds on my wrist, i WAS a cutter, and he opened the wounds, like seriously LITERALLY, used his nails... And now he's asking for sth that would help me, and now im asking for help and he's far far away. Oh god.

THEY HAVE BEEN THE ON TO SEE ENOUGH, THIS IS WHAT YOU CALL LOVE?

So hold them up and cut them deep, whats the point, whoever involved's just trying to ruin your own name, go for some emotional management thing, it'll help. If truthfully speaking, i'll just say, WHATHEFUCK.

We're all not little kids, no time for pretense, let's jump to reality and face the cold hard floor when we hit it. We're just a spec in time.

And oh shit, my two close frends are facing some problems with their guys. Or for syq, EX, and for dinah...err im not sure. im scared for them. and i dont ever want anything like that to happen to me.

if it does. oh well. OUCH OUCH OUCH.

REALITY BITES.

"could you and your swollen ego fit into my master plan for failure?"
oh.
"your head in your hands, and this is my cue, if three words could heal you, i'll only speak two."
"your eyelids grow heavy and this is my cue, if three words could heal you, i'll only speak two."

HOW COULD YOU THINK AFTER ALL YOU PUT ME THROUGH AND ALL YOU PUT ON MY SHOULDERS THAT I WOULD ANSWER YOUR CRY FOR HELP?

....This just have to stop.

I mean, HELLO, humans, try compromising, eh, be sensitive, not everyone can fit into what's your taste or likes. I wish i could help but i feel like a useless piece of nothingnessnism.

Whats not right that change must take place? People have own lives, do not invade. And how am i supposed to help? I cant do anything... or can i?

I'll discover a new way to redeem the loss... ergh, just one note;
whatever is not right, tell NICELY.

And yes hope does dangle on a piece of thread... Urgh, wth, until when humans, until when? Stop lar, its not important, and consider our last few days in life. But if i am to be the one to help, well, im not even good myself. Somebody work with me.

I dont know why im like this. I just like to help people. And lying, to me, is just something that'll make things even worst than what it is. Unless of course nessacary. I know im uselessly helplessly young. But people, please, trust me, i want to do something.

Waiting for something to happen and yet nothing's happening; THE WORST FEELING EVER.
The emptiness, the anxiousness, the loneliness, the seeth-ing kind of thing... Its just ouch, burns a hole through everyone that feels it.

I know im not perfect, neither is he, and neither are you, not him, not her... oh to summarise it all, well, nobody is really.

If you say everything is nothing, then what is something?

i try to be nice. i wish im nice. but im not even halfway there. why are emotions so violent? it mixes up too much. i help people, how bout me? seems like nobody really pay attention to that. Its all just a mixture of i dont know what. and if a piece of me dies, who'll give the breath of life? iim not alone, yet i am, and i know of people who'll be more than willing to help, but they themselves need it. i dun wanna be a burden, and since there is nothing left to do...

lets all just do nothing.
we'll all just play this game of pretend and hide and seek until we're found and led back home.

uhh i helped him do his blog.

i hope its alright. and i hope my instructions are clear and not complicating. i dun like tangled brains. Its so... tangled up.

hmmm, i need somebody to slap me, i must be sleeping, somebody wake me up!

..some dream i had. Ok. Im getting lamer by the day.

uhh tomorrow. SCHOOL. Oh god i cant believe it. And GRAVE news for everyone.
Farihin's grandmother just passed away at 0645 today on the 20th of august 2006.

May she rest in peace.

and may we all do. when we die.
and me too. SOON.

gosh why do i feel so fucktardishtic.

now its all making perfect sense.

Dear dinah,

i know how u feel, a long time ago, it'll be settled i hope, choose the path you wish to go..
You have a choice, you're not stuck, trust me, and if you need help please proceed in confiding. Whoever that you think can help. I know im uselessly younger, but i'll try my best my dear angel, and if you feel like killing somebody or slapping or punching whatever crap, well, i'm here with open arms. I'll try to breathe for you. "i will hold u down, fold u in, deep in the fiction we live."

Sign, sincerely me.

Dinah was always there before i lost. She always stood by me and assured that i'll be happy. This time, its my turn. And with the help of Syq, you'll be alright.

Hmmm. Im just simply light hearted now. I have what i want, now just what to do with it. What do i do with it? Uhh. Now the aftermath.

I want to be what you need
But im still nothing so good, im still nothing.
And the violence of love and of sorrow
will end and be in peace tomorrow.
Where i'll hold you down
fold you in....
You gave the breath of life.

Ahh rynn stop emo-ing, youre not one, so be it. Its so burning hot. And yeah, to the seniors, all, i hope you all dont give anybody the cold shoulder, dont be so thoughtless, so cruel, mistakes are mistakes, but its all done by accident, not by force, dont DRAG it.



i cant stop listening to odd project ballad for a liar.

errrrgh

hmmm. look at my tagboard. i guess im changing it. its so crammed.
but ok a lot of valuable info.
hmmm.

"im crying out
im seeing love
you could be all i need
to save me from me"

ahhhh. i smiled. im smiling. IM SMILINGGG.



Yeah i changed it again.

Uhh, i have absolutely nothing to do. Im feeling better, and ive stopped crying, and somebody said he loved me, and some other body almost said sth that would change my life.

FIQ, whatever did u want to say?

Oh gawd. Hmm, updated a lot, and more up to your face-ifying. I lazy to tempah kain uhh.

nth much to update.

somebody saved me.! whooos

i wasnt bleeding.

i was alright about everything.

....until i figured i needed a cure.
its like, i just had slight fever. and then to get the cure i bleed.

oh rynn whats wrong with u again

U GOTTA STOP GERL.

i have no choice.
somebody pass me my blades.

DINAH.
im sorry gerl. im so sorry. i promised u. but i broke the promise.

i need someone

i want someone

i love someone

i hate someone

i need someone
i need someone
i need someone

ANYONE?

I WANT TO KEEP ON SCREAMING TILL ITS JUST SILENCE, UNTIL SOMEONE COMES HAPPILY ALONG AND STAYS, UNLIKE SU, YES SU, SUHAIRI, WHO CAME AND LEFT ANF ARGH FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK UHH, AND PERHAPS THOS OTHER PERSON WHO MIGHT BE GOING.

sighs. im tired.

i wasnt that sick at first.

i was frustated. the feeling i hate most; waiting for sth to happen but nothing is happening.

so i took about more than 20 different colourful pills for happiness in the color of rainbow!!!
BAHHHH
=X

man it really shook me. i mean, literally. i tembled like some freak who swallowed pills.
o.o

i felt so squeezed in between, and i was literally crying, screaming and banging my head on the walls. i got nothing to do. my poor little brother was trying to control me, till he himself cried. he was useless, he thought.

i screamed names, i screamed ouch and arghhh.

seriously speaking, alot alot of SCREAMOS!

ha. i wonder if anybody actually reads my bloggg.
haha.

"adek, u noe, i banged my head on you, and u feel sore, i feel this bitter thing in my mouth..."

HE RECORD SIA. Then, got LIQUIDIFIED pills! ewwww. it was sooo bitter i cried again.
haaaaa. then in the end his friends came, and he left me, so i slept. when i woke up i was energy-less.

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

SENIORS2, PLS, I NEED YOUR HELP

It's just how i mix it really. Oh look its all green.

BLUE+YELLOW.
many meanings.
sad happy.
green?
down up

ahhh many many.

anyway, met dinah, and you wouldn't know just how much i missed her. And how i felt like crying. We attempted... no, i attempted to look for somebody. SU! But of course he wasnt there. And sadistiquely yet brightly met my ex pri sch friends, rey and 2 other chi gerls i fergot the names. Saw rozana and her friend and aishah fuchun sec with HER friends.

everybody has friends. -_-
oh nvm. i have an angel. i hope she enjoyed her time with shaz after meeting me. after. after.

i get jealous. i want someone i want someone i want someone. oh look there are like, 5 ppl sound-ing me and i didnt accept ANY because of SOMEBODY. i wonder why, and i wonder how, but i dont want to wonder.

my words are fading.

i know i should have done something, should have said something, but i did enough and i said enough.

wasting time with you will never be wasted. distant you've become and further i will drift, yet giving up is never an option, but staying is just like an apology.

sighs my days are getting shorter and shorter. everything just passes by fast. would somebody give me a cure first before the day i die? can somebody make me smile....

the courage died.
i broke in two over you. and each piece of me dies.
can somebody help me explain?
can somebody read my mind and write about it?
can somebody at least say HE loves me...
-_-

HERE WE GO AGAIN. acccks.

i have it. a box of 10 blades.
before i cut. somebody... say you love me.

i am rynn. im tired. i want somebody by my side. im sick of being alone all the time. i need somebody. but nobody would come straight in. i end up begging. im tired of begging. i lost my face, my dignity while begging. people, please proceed with killing me. cuts doesnt matter anymore, no matter how deep, no matter how much blood flows out. check my wrists and laugh at me. pretty pretty wrists. thanks to you. now i have nothing. can somebody be something? or maybe nothing is yet the best. because nothing lasts forever. only nothing lasts. everything else doesnt. oh great. now the screw up bit. im tired. give me a break. give me a kiss. i miss it. i want a kiss. no matter how UGLY it might become. im used to seeing UGLY everyday in the mirror anyway. i need to hear "i love you" from anybody at all. im not desperate. im down. swollen ego-ed. somebody just save me from me. please. say i love u to me. i'll love you too.

its the biggest question ever.

yes i was wondering.

and yes im still wondering.

"will you still love me in the morning?"
will u? will u?

oh sheesh what does it matter.

well. i have 5 things i need most now.

-a shoulder.
-dinah.
-him.
-a break for sch.
-a piece of real laughter

CAN SOMEONE NICE GIVE ME ANYTHING ON THE ABOVE?

Its the first time i fall for someone who fell.

GOD, HELP ME. I don't want to... I must. Letting go has never been easy, except for when letting go of taufik, that was a breeze, i hate him so much i can kill him, even how "strong" he is with his fake susok-ed hand.

Sighs, sometimes brightnessnism isn't really good. It BLINDS, somehow, someway. And don't say anything, it might be the last, i dont want it to be... And i promise i wont die until i see you again.

My secret's out, and the bestest part is that it isnt even a good one. When rynn, how long, why, and who? But the biggest question is, WHAT? What'll happen, what'll come, what'll go... Then comes everything else.

Its like a war, where the leader is at the front, followed by the others.

I have questions. To long lost su.

ARE you feeling fine? Are you still you? Please tell me everything. I have yet to let YOU go. Why does it all have to end like this? Now its the second time, you were the first. This would murder me, are you feeling fine..?

The shadows will swallow my reflections till there's none. I'll be sleeping tonight knowing well that you're all alright.

and yes, im rehearsing still the things you said.

IS THIS WHAT I SHOULD CALL LOVE REALLY?

Instead of a confessions pill. a confession drink. oh wth.

Im so glad Az didn't jump down. Or else, i'd be so... i dont know, crazy?
Uhhh. Today. I CANT BELIEVE I _____ in public. PUBLICITY STUNT in my eyes!

And now i'm falling down with you once again...
Call me again tonight. I'll be waiting.

SIGHS, THE THINGS YOU SAID, I'M REHEARSING THEM...
I remember everything so clearly. Please dont lie to me anymore. I know the truth. You poured everything out already. But i dont wanna be some prasaan jerk like
TAUFIK. what seh, he said he fucked me before, but the truth is its just his big lie(he very prasan u noe), and he even said my parents divorced, and patched, CAN DAT EVER HAPPEN? its not like bgr, come on lah taufik, kau nie gile kau tau tak. my parents happily together.tak puas ckp tak puas ar bodoh. kentalan STEP METAL. LOL! sighs, nat2, why is he so idiotically dumb..

just now, after school lepak-ed with them humans, and it didnt last so long, i ended up ____ing my way home with dinah on the line. Oh well. Nobody was there to save me.

IMAGINE, NO SHOULDER.
NO "RYNN, DONT WORRY I'LL BE BY UR SIDE NO MATTER WHAT."

its not what i wish for. its what i need.
but its ok. i guess im used to being surrounded. but at the same time forgotten.
hahs.

today was. normally abnormal. as per normal.

i wanna tell you the truth.
ask me that question again.
...YES.

sighs, amira.

one of my posts, got this thing that says ppl i hate most.

"this gerl im actually close with at sch."
which is not her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh got it wrong again. nvm.

i cant trust anyone. for nw im just on my own.

WELL, not really.

I HAVE MY BEAUTIFULL BRO. LOL. hes so cute.

ceute. hmmm, going to sch tomorrow, and den during recess, got appointment with somebedy.
somehow i dun feel like i wanna go. oh wells.

this is sth ive been waiting for.
i hope its worth the waiting.

Demoralise. PICTURE THIS.

"Orange skies with autumn leaves falling... Fluttering wood-like butterflies and soft winds against ears, hair slowly being lifted by the wind..."

And then all of a sudden a black cloud emerges with its deadly storms and heavy rains.

This time i'll mean it.
I'm going straight up to u.
And say just how much you mean to me.

I'll try. I'll try telling you how much you mean if i could....

i'll tell you.

People. i love you.
Dinah- YOU MEAN ALOT. ALOT.
Syq- Buddy in nuts. Without u, no craps.nO laughter. Nofun.
shamin- what is school without u.
seniors (kakaks zu and atiyah and nurraihan and all the nice bros and all the other seniors, you guys are simply THERE when needed.)- i would be a pure loner without you guys.
FARIHIN- My cutie F. LOL. speak his name and i'll suddenly smile. and lafff. (ryte shamin ryte.) hes one hell of a funny guy. sighs friends.
=B
and my beloved split personality-fied yet egoless beuties.

EH U NOE, I HATE PEOPLE WHO ADMIT THEMSELVES SEXY.
=X

its so. perasaan. LOL, gerl u gotta stop- AM.
I FEEL SO RANDOMISED.
maybe cuz im bored. i am. i am i am. n-ter-tain-me.

honestly honest me
with that look so decieving
i'll bite chew swallow and
digest the hands that feed me
with a bayonet for a tongue
swallow swords inadvently
and to the organ flame
i'll mantain a close
adjacancy.

IM NOT ALRIGHT.
IM BORED.

i accidently hopped onto a blog.

i wanna do this thing.

10 ppl i love most (in no order):
-my bro.
-Dinah!
-SYQ!!!my nuttie.
-Su. WHERE ARE U. WHY DID U GO WHY WHY WHY.
-long lost faizal.[oh he's dead.]
-shamin!
-adila.
-fdaus. (hes a friend.)
-.....those who love me, [im so sorry, but you guys not rejected, just not accepted.]
-MY BELOVED SENIORS!!!!!! they rock ass.

10 ppl i hate most (in no order):
-TAUFIK! [my friggid ex.]
-Zri. [my other frigin ex.]
-This gerl from school. who's close to me. ACK.
-

suddenly im interrupted by talib's msn msg.

wth.


(", °äŁïß° ,")-Our hearts nightmares won't let this happen again,Name the last time I wrote about something other than you... says:
its ok.. hey can i asked something?> what's is this about.??

(", °äŁïß° ,")-Our hearts nightmares won't let this happen again,Name the last time I wrote about something other than you... says:
talib.i'll MURDER you uhh if a friggin' word comes out. and spills out to her.
i dont wanna hurt her. i've beeen thru it. i'll go emo like hell if you damage her.
please dont.[found at amira's blog]

WTH IS IT ABT RILI?

oh whatever.
dun care bt ******s.

BAAAAAH. i need to open my contacts, or else bang bang im blind.

Watch-ed dat movie.

Good sia. I mean the stunts. Something to wake up to. At least thats more amusing than fireworks. Freaks. Going WOW at fireworks. While there are like, another million more better things to wow at.

Like yeah, how hurt the finger gets when it touches the flame of a candle.

Sighs, these few days, ive been anxiously waiting for a fucking phone call.

And look, nobody bothered.
I hate hate hate hate myself.

If suicide is legal i wouldnt end up in this emotional jail.

TRAPPED. HELP.
nah i dun need help.

"help i got many questions in my mind."
says my ex at his freaking blog.

WTH. LOL. everyone has questions, f.
and dont ever imagine ureself a suffering.
because.
u dont suffer, freak. its like, those suffering dont have room to breathe.

NOT LIKE U. u practically have die on every post.

p.s. its my 2nd ex. not the FUCKING first BASTARD.

oh well.
better go to where there are rainbows and butteflies and heart and flying pigs ard.
HAPPY LAND!!!

ergh..

My blog changed its skin.

i made the skin myself, please congratulate me.
its SO tiring.

oh well

im single.
anyone around?

LOL, im not that random ok.

I WANT TO ANNOUNCE TO THE WORLD.

THERE IS THIS GUY CALLED MUHAMMAD TAUFIK.

and boy is he bastard.
a liar.
and idiot.

Firstly, he broke my heart, and den i demanded a breakup. A FEW days later he had found two perfectly humane innocent beautiful girls, IFA AND RUZ. And if im not wrong, another one called Mardiana. These people, innocent, nice.

However, all 3 had to face a pinch in the heart, but whats wrost is what had happened to only ONE of them, whom which i should not name directly. She had been used, by this taufik bastard, just as so that taufik bastard could make me feel guilty or jealous or whatsoever.

And then, one day not long ago, this taufik bastard made me and my bestest friend fight. I know deep down he's just pathetic, trying to make me BEG HIM to come back, beg him to love him or watsoever. Why i say this, oh i knew him more than a year and i know him very well indeed. He's not nice at all.

Worst still, he exaggerates his "im suffering" trigger, so that all other girls would feel some sort of sympathy, thats his flag for a trap, and then when the girl falls for him,
he kills her, insides i mean.

So, like the pathetic idiot he is, hes TOO WEAK to fight for himself, he had to use
"SUPERNATURAL" STUFFS. Oh yes he's to weak. Wanna take the easy way out when fighting. He'll get it.

I dont care whatever he'll use one day on me, i'll be more than ready. Whadever he uses might be strong, but it can never beat a white heart that prays harder. Why use that stuff, too weak to be patient? Your partial explanation already shows how dumb you can ever be.

hahaha idiot. Kill lah more people. You're holding the sins, not me. Im innocent.

And anyway, whatever he might do, wont make me want him back, not a tiny bit. I hate him more than anything else in this world, even more than my hp bills or being alone in silence whatsoever nots. He'll die in regret, unless he change and apologise to poor poor girls who fell for him.

SO GIRLS OUT THERE READING THIS DO NOT EVER EVER FALL INTO HIS TRAP.

HES A LIAR, HE TELLS FAKE STORIES.

The silence broke off
At the very moment that woke your mind
This unbelonging feeling takes over
You lost it.

You're waiting for something to happen
Nothing will.
On a winding path that grows like vines
You only stand on a dead one

The only way you can go for
Is turning back
And yet its too late
You've been swallowed by the depths of loss innocence

Now there's no more light
Just the strangest feeling tonight
You're waiting.
Anxiously. Patiently.
Until you could wait no more.

You'd rather die.
Or maybe you're dead.
Go for it
The knife.

Commit your suicide.

Now the chance, now the hope, now the reality has whispered into my ears the deadly demands of what i should do.

ABANDON OR STAY. Thats for one person.

But recently its so easy to fall. Now there's a new guy.
Wth. He'd never had anyone before, poor emo.

But hes not one(emo). I cant believe im falling.

FOR HIM. And i used to hear he fell.
for me -_-.

Oh to see someone embrace you, sorrows the seas of my heart.
To see someone embrace you.... Sorrows the seas of my heart.

Now, i prefer silence, haha.
I wont stand a chance. Do i. You prefer him to whoever else. Thatslove.

Yeah thats love. I'll be on my death bed, surrounded by the songs i love, and silence.
And the next thing you know.
I end up with him. There you go. Tadaaa. Good. So i can forget all about you and concentrate on him.

JUST LIKE NOW. But its opposite now. Next will be me i tell you.
Im sure i didnt abandon any friends when i had a somebody, did i? I still msn-ed,called, ask for meetings, sms-ed. And suddenly it all ended. Let it cut off or continue it. Bare with the time management. Its simply simple to me. Maybe im just used to it. And not used to be abandoned by all parties. TRY EVERYTHING. Nothing would work, ESPECIALLY YOU.

Dont worry. I'll find someone, some guy. I think a guy as a best friend is much better. Than fairy tale angels who in the end tinkle off with its magical special dust blablabla. Oh shoot me. But wth this is MY blog i wanna write whatever MY thoughts, without FAIL!!!

Somebody please wake me. Sighs how i wish i could go back just for one more day, with you. Everything used to fall into place. Now its just a brokken jigsaw puzzle. Give me one more day...

For a confession

i think that you exist but you dont,now

u changed, we changed.
we are accepting the fact you're going to be busy.

i wonder how i was when i had a bf.
did i change when im without one?
i guess i did, sideffects.

expressions so revealing.

hide it. its not supposed to be done in front of everyone.
though i know its hard to avoid.
but if you wanna do it.
pls remember whats right whats wrong.

do it behind my back please.
i hate seeing.

UNCOMFORTABLE.

Its some email i recieved.

Pretty true. WELL, SOME.

July
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. spazzy at times. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

I slept alone last night. Or might i say i didnt sleep at all.

Msged Firdaus a lot. And then just tossed. Then cutted my ankles. Oh it wont be seen.
=)

Hmm, lately theres nothing much. Just many about myself. Theres nobody else.
Could i only speak my inner thoughts.

Or maybe i can.

But i dont know how. I tried smiling. And i cant believe how fake i was yesterday! Laughing and smiling all. Deep down i was like, i will go home and commit my soocide. Murderer, i did, to me.

Its so cold. Im so cold. I acted during drama yesterday and wth i acted quite ok. My role?

MISERABLE LULU.

Yeah dats me. I got a congrats from the drama teacher. And gosh did i say the thing i want to say for real? yes!

"im at my worst state, and all my best friends abandon me....?"

I SAID IT OUT LOUD, IN FRONT OF EVERYONE, AND THEY ONLY THOUGHT IT AS AN ACT IN THE ROLE OF MISERABLE LULU WHO RAN AWAY FROM HOME WITH THE HELP OF HER MAID LILY. Haha. Laugh people.

Sorry isnt supposed to be a word. Its supposed to be an action.

sighs, silently, waiting.

waiting for nothing to happen.

im loving my imaginary friends. =)

Im so sorry.

Its kind of a funny lonely feeling that im not in love.
YOU KNOW we're not in love.
We're despos, yeah, you and me.
Meaning to say Ash and Rynn.

And besides we're alike. I mean, you do admire other people too. Now we're both just waiting for something to happen. But we just cant give a reason why.

So i'll tell you now, because i know.

Its not love. We're lonely. We need companion.

But they never came. They claim to be there, are they? No. They claim they care. DO THEY? no! If they care they'd be worried. So im kicking them out of my life.

They only ask if im ok if im online. What if my comp breakdown? Awww. Then "she's dead let her be" would be a common phrase.

Uhh, Dinah, its okay, um, u go out with your dear friend and bf.
I dont want to make myself free, im tired of this. Let me free out od you.
You've found someone, i'll find mine.
=)

The time where everything collides into one another, like a domino, but the last one never falls, and that last one is the only one with the hope, but fate strikes and its supposed to hit, so the wind blew and they all died in the end.

It's all a beautiful tragedy, look at it.

Broken the fragile thing AGAIN.

Oh well. Goodbye fellow angels. I guess you're not mine. Uhh, who cares anyway. Ive got myself and myself. Goodbye happy days.

Hmm, just now, stupidly ran with MATS. As in those flat things not the flirt ones. Then, after the whole parade went to kedai KOPI with adilah and firdaus. I cant believe he's 2 yrs OLDER than me. My gawd! But he's nice. Oh and yeah Fdaus, thanks for the free drink.
=)

Im gaining partners! Whoohoo.

Then, farihin called, ask me to meet him asap cuz he wanted to go home early. So we 3 went to the bustop. Then firdaus left because his house was near. And adilah took her bus leaving me and farihin. SO we interacted like idiots.

Talking crap as per normal. Topiclessnism.

Then at ard yishun farihin left leaving me alone.
WITHOUT MY MP3!!! ACKKK.

Yeah, so dats it. Reached home in hunger and despair. Im seperating from my old buddies.

Nope, they're not there and nope, no problem.
=)

you have new ones.
i have new ones too. its just not worth it. the waiting.

I cant believe it. It was the numbest sensation ever.

This is what little stupid girls with nothing to do does when they have nothing to do. They try out dangerous things that brings harm to them, and then they get the booboo and cry over it. They run to their mummies and seek her care and concern and be hugged and loved.

Oh, but thats just some sort of tale told long long ago.

For now its;

This is what suicidal stupid girls do when they have nobody to turn to and noone to smile with. They take a penknife that might seem pretty harmless and cut themselves, and then take a pill. Then, the girl goes crazy for a while and ends up shivering to sleep. With bleeding arms she stretched out for her mother or anyone in particular but nobody came. Then, she half died on her bloody bed.

She waked up next to nothing.

Hah, freaky. Yesterday reached home at 9, because of ncc. What seh, we had to just lift mats. Mats as in those flat things not those flirt things. Umm, yeah, so attire is the UGLY yck ndp tee and p.e. shorts and shoes. And tomorrow we need to be there by 6.30. SUNDAY SCHOOL.

And the chinese upper secs insist on calling me RAHIMAh. What seh! Haiyo. And ya, there are two boys sec 2 running around in school looking at girl's stuffs. So girls; warning given by your dear rynn. Ergh, yucks.

Ala watever la.
Hmmm and yeah.

Its pretty burning right now. WHat is?

my liffe.

and oh yea, fauzi you fuck, im not coupled with Farihin.

dats it. um. changing my blog name again soon. not letting anyone know about it except for specialities. beg me to be special. (right.)

and yah ppl.

try getting out of my life.
suddenly id rather be alone than lonely.

oh god.

sighs.

where did the angels go? where are those smiles and laughter? awww, it evaporated into thin air and poured down as tearing raindrops. yeah thats where it is right now.
and its drying up.

eventually mutating into a huge cloud. and when its gets heavy again.
ITS POURS. haha, laugh humans. and.

goodbye unworthies.

Today. Was. Alright. Well. embrrasssssing.

Well, after school stayed back for some post test. Then after that lepaked in school for a while. Not knowing embarrassment would occur sooner after. Well, me and adila, we were walking when some itchy geeky gatal guys STARED at. well. US. um. no. not us. OURS. bluek.

its so disgusting. still can ask stupid cuestions. oh wth.

then, went to woodlands and met my far long lost cuzzin raddy. He's like, so emo sia, and haha, hes HOT. He changed a LOT. He was waiting for his friends, but they're usually one hour late and he was ten minutes early so i stayed back with him. Hes still as stupidly nutty as ever, and i regret going nuts with him. Like seriously we were SPOTTED and labelled as a couple. What seh.

We're cuzzins, and thats that. And anyway i dont feel anything for him. Hes got a girl, and Jasinta and Arifeiq, if you're reading, PLEASE dont be mistaken. Oh wathell.

And im gaga over somebody everybody thinks i never would go gaga over.
Sighs, and i bet he cant even guess too.

SO much for erhems. Good enuff we're NEAR.

please guess. please. FFFFFFFF-oh-uck.

GOSH, long since i let out whatever thats inside.
AWWW miss you bloggie.

Hmm, these few days, tragic changes with my best friend amira.

Seriously, shes not her. I miss that crazy toot. She's becoming the "sea and the shore."
Thats what they said. But i cant say anything yet. Dont wanna hurt her. Sensitive. Yet im standbying her side. I know she doesnt notice. Oh wth. WhoEVER does.

Dont ignore me. Dont adore me. Hate me. Love me. Smile at me and kill me.

Im so tired. These few days, esp during maths, so reek!!!
Gaaaaaaa. I need your help my dear. But you're so far away. SIghs. I think i dont even like you now. But i'll be here, waiting. Sending letters to nothingness.

Crapped, farihin is another toot. Haha, i told him a suspense, and he couldnt HELP but ask me what it is. And hes never going to stop. Cute lar he. but hes just a good friend. someone i can at least TRUST.

And dont ask me whats wrong. You asking me that just makes no differences with asking why the grass is green.

emo
And now whats left is just me and that cute guy laughing at all the other insensitive idiots who think we are dumb, that we are only left alone therefore we land like this, but a hard landing can help us still live, rather than a deadly one, and at least we're safely on ground, near no cliffs or lightning. Let us go, we have wings to spread, we have enough tears shed and now we just want to part our lips and say things we never could speak, let us go, let us be free, let him be himself and let me be me.

i know how you feel.
i feel it too.
but. they dont let us speak.
our words are locked.

question is.
should i unlock it?

because i have the key.