“All that I am, or hope to be”

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HONEST ME

Can i ask a favor... I want to be alone.

this just doesn't feel right. i want to be isolated. please. please. just for a while. a week. or two. i need some lone time. this hurts. this kills. i want to be alone. for once. please.

i want to be what i need. i want to start loving myself. i want to be alone so that i appreciate being un-alone. can i please? i hate to say this but.

i dont want any disturbance.

this willl go deep sinned.

Changed my blogskin. Oh look another one. Another goofy outfit she made herself to overwrite her ugliness in the blog. Define hate will i? Will i! Sure! I'm glad to.

HATE: SOMETHING I FEEL RIGHT NOW.

i onced believed that nothing can interrupt my thoughts about people. something truly did. and how, i don't know. i knew myself as a very hard-to-influence person that goes with anything people want. i give in. but suddenly people can get me into shits with just a smile. and now ive become more selfish than ever. i never even give time a rest.

IN THIS POURING RAIN. I TRY SO HARD...

somebody listen to me i'm crying out the windows
i'll scream till midnight and midday dies
as long as you listen to what i have to scream about

I CHANGED.

.and its bad.

real bad.

HAH. blogskins. my fake skins. what am i. HELP ME. WHAT AM I.

take note. its like. nothing to do with anyone.. i want comments.

All i saw was you
When you walked past and away
Leaving me bleeding alive
My blood rises and flows down
The pain comes and goes
You added another cut on my wounded heart
Traces of your scent started to disappear

Then all i saw was you
Crawling back reaching for help.
My eyes will reveal the truth,
They rain when they get heavy.
And this time it won't stop,
this beating.

The best way to help you
is to let you be in your own world
While i stab and snap and crack your soul
When you're walking away
Betrayal would only last forever

And when you see me again
You wont escape my master plan for revenge
Nobody does and nobody will
Cry out for help for all i care.

...i tried so...hard... to be there.
Now that i'm here. I'll give you a hint
to where you'll be and where will i.

You will be in your own world
While i stab and snap and crack your soul
When you're walking away
Betrayal would only last forever

And when everything's okay i wake up
My blurred vision clears
And i see the beauty in your eyes
And after a second to waste all i saw was

you walking away.

you said so much without even parting your lips.

"is it because of this vacancy....?"

hah. welcome back. wargh, nothing much to say.

ignoring everything else. but happy. happy at last.

or maybe not. not at home. not now... words. piercing through me.sighs. mum, mum..

This would probably be the how many hundredth times i used sigh as a title.

The week was hyper exhausting. Confusing. Painful. No not painful.

So rynn. Once again. You're waking up all alone huh. Yeah. Play safe. Be careful.

Im at the edge. Well whatever, i wish to ignore my problems. Hurts to feel hurts to know. I plan to be ignorant. But with my hyper sensitive-nism, its not easy.

Umm. Last friday went jamming with the Exo Avengenced. Cool sia. They play hard songs but their expressions remain calm. Seriously. But by the time it was over an hour and the session was up, we lost our sense of hearing. Its was great. I got away. And then ptc. As usual. Sux.

Then thats it. Yesterday was boring. Today will be boring too.

Anything hurting? Stop the bleeding. APPLY PRESSURE.

OVER.

its hurts.

they understand that it hurts.

what do you think i am.

why do u think ure so innocent

this is fatal to my heart.

what am i.

you dont realise what you've done.

u think all u did was say out everything.

u dont know what u said.

ARRRGHHH.

WHAT AM I
WHAT AM I TO YOU.
WHAT AM I SO YOU CAN SAY ME LIKE THAT.
WHAT AM I TO BE HURT.
WHAT AM I FEELING.

i will not forgive the sins you made.
u took my life away from ME.

I'm confused.

I'm lost in a world of love and lies, trapped inbetween darkness and light.

Strange. I've never divided 'love' into two, and yet it happened. Fast. How? I'm like in a puzzle, a maze where there's this shock that chases after me, tries to grab me while i run, with me refusing to believe what is true. Lying to myself.

And as seconds passes, the shock gets closer, travelling faster than i ever could, and finally eating me up... With its sudden light and darkness. Now it's confusing, and me, being at this age...

What am i to become when i've finally grown up and out of my childish skin? Throughout the lesson i found the true meaning of confusion. I found how hard it is, struggling through relationships. I never thought i really would. I look down on myself. And i found how hard it is to change. But most of all, i finally found myself.

I can't escape from this place, where 'love' travels and strikes to anyone it likes, and where hearts refuses to let go of 'love', where dying would be exceptional compared to diving a fake out of the truth. Lying to them makes no good, in fact, it's becoming worse... But what is feared is, it may get worser than the worse, resulting three broken hearts.

And maybe the only thing that would be remembered is the last love song you heard... Till you see the sun sets on you and light turns to dark, you close your eyes... And thats the last thing you see;

Your pain.

Hah, yesterday fucked around with dinah. Sadly at 6.50 she left. So i was with this two new nice friends. The last of decencies that arent that decent but decent.

Cool eh?

Yeah, and one of them is in a band; that plays A7X.

Cool eh?

Haaaaaaa. But the age range, im like, 4 years younger. Sad eh? Saddd.

Okay lah. Im sick, didnt turn up for school tdae. Am not turning up. Hehhh.

I wont miss you. I hate you more than life.

And farah, if you are reading this, please, share your problem with me. I'm willing to listen.

Or whoever you are. =)

argh-nism, my dumbest and smelliest pet. Really, she needs to be a dog to learn. Or else, shes hyper rebellious.

Hmm yesterday he came, but in the end i was the one walking away, im sorry i didnt turn back. The rain wasn't enough to cover the tears i guess.

And my results, a push-up of tears. OUT OUT OUT.

And yeah, my BLOOD have not came yet. Wonder if im...............

NEH.

And yeah, the malay girls, just because i dont really get involved and dont talk much, they think i dont have feelings. I do have feelings but i dont feel. I mean, i do, but i dont show. Not that a stoner/loner have got no feelings at all.

In fact, ive got more feelings than you guys. I feel pity to me enemy.
-_-

DONT think of me that way, cuz nobody in this world know who i exactly am...

except for me.

Hah. Hie bloggie. Hi self. Have you been you lately, lazing around and turning the volume higher and higher on the amp till you cant hear anything else, lately? Right...

Got my 'fender', a 'santa fe', okay, can be played. =)

learning to use picks.

SOrry gooe, ive got nat-tar.

Hah, how lame can rynn be, rynn idiot. Lately nothing happened. Just that a dream came true, with hyperdrive, screws and strings. its simply, FAB. And the truth is, im ignoring whatever else in that dream.

But it wont last. Wait, i sware it would.

...........RIGHT.

I've been infected with this disease. P.s. it is called disorder. And tadaa the name of it is the emo disease.

Well even if we do fight again... I cant bare the thought of rough, hardcore changes. I'm handcuffed with glue in you, how can i simply drill it out of my life? I mean, its been there for more than a year, and truthfully, i like it there.

Keeping my heart and all.

Emo emo. Wheres DR.Happiness? I surrender my disease and before it spreads, send me to the incremation plant and make me dust. Or maybe not even dust. I'll disappear into thin air. Thats imposibble. Okay, barry me alive. Then the habit would break. Alive out of habit.

Hey, have you heard of the word pathetic-nism? If you do, there's a ringing something you left out. It's called the pathetic band of two guitarists and thats all. Yeah, and its called ODD. "Outside Death's Door". Cool name, kentalan people. -_____-

And to that one person , NOT YOU FARAH AND NOT YOU WHOEVER YOU ARE,

you're still an everything to me.

fading


Im so fucking fucked up. Options; NONE. So i stayed home after school. What fuck, i should be celebrating happy happily, not feel fucked up.

Ok so, nice nice Farihin planned to what, go out to Far East or something, then its canclled due to a reason made by a fucking sumbedy. Ok thats one.

Called everyone i could, wanted to go out, CANT, nobody available. Come on people, don't LIE to me, please, honestly honest me.

Ok fuck. Then, those who go out, never ajak me.

Sick sia, im so bored.

Well whatever. I'll be busy fucking my fucked up bed. It's eating me up bit by bit, realising not that im already half gone.

Creeping up my sleeves to reach my heart... But fail. Again.

one year today. he's here... umm today ws boring at school, den he came and brought along a gift he bought... its so nice.

its a rose, thats like, soft, and den got my fav smell... vanilla. fuck la, its so nice. but what's nicer....?

-him.

smile people, at times of joy. =)

Oh fuck.

Tomorrow there will be fucking school.

And oh fuck.

Can;t meet him tomorrow, hes got school too. Sorry, fucked up whoever.

I hope i just wont fucking flung another time of those fucking paper. The fucktard who set it, well if i had a gun...

I'm ALL in fucked up situations. Fuck off fucktards. Yes, fuck off.

But before you go... get me a gun will you?

"the thing i wanted to say to you tomorrow is that im sorry. But tomorrow won't bring our eyes to meet, so therefore im saying it right here, right now. im sorry." im saying this to HIM....

many things to say, but im just saying one.

DONE

end it all, say goodbye.

bye self, BYE EVERYONE. Fuck you all get out of my life i want to stand alone you've got nothing to do bastards and all you want is to hurt me.

think of me as i say goodbye.

END IT ALL.

Im damn sick, can't move properly,, like shiverry and my vision rili is blurred. Thanks to the stupid drugsworthy medicine i swallowed yesterday night. And thanks to you i did that.

And to somebody, (not you, self)
What the fuck is wrong with you? Did i say anything wrong? What did i do? Did i say i don't love you? What? What do you expect from me? Perfection? Well then fuck off. Im not perfect, and NEITHER ARE YOU. You make up problems. Oh come on, i don't have another kiss behind your back. Im with you, and you're so mad..WHY?

Address full doubt you've ever felt frustration, well, I'm choking on it now, and it's the hardest thing for me to shake. Is it because of the vacancy that you swear never to belive?Honestly honest me, with a look that's so decieving. I'll bite chew swallow and digest the hands that feed me,with a bayonet for a tongue, swallow swords inadvertently,and to the organ flame I'll maintain a close adjacency.

Farewell to all the days you were, within my reach, and as of right now, everything is making perfect sense.

......or not.

fine, okay. right. i wont wait after all. i hope u enjoyed your freedom.

and u will, of me... Till the day u ask if i care.

SIGHS, if i had a gun, i would shoot all the bastards around me. That is equals to EVERYONE. Then i'll shoot myself.

Yeah, im a bastard.

And a backstabber... A whatever you think i am. But one thing is for sure.
IM NOT A HYPOCRITE. Im not not not a fake, and what i am, is REAL.

This is bad. I hate fighting and stupid small minor mistakes taken as a HUGE ONE. I had enough. Get rid of me, will you? All of you. I'll give you a gun each, shoot me all you want.

Its like, a vicious cockfight, and its funny yet taken seriously, like, wtf.
Boys, theyre just like.. THEM. They dont bother on minorities, but when they do, they bother about it too much. Okay not all maybe, but the one(singularform) i know.

Uhh face it, ive got lots of people waiting for me to be ALONE.

But i still stick with you, BE HAPPY ABOUT IT, or regret my last move on your face. Cry all you like if it happens. Even if you care to cry.

But i will go alone, until one real trustworthy person passes by, and like you, the person must be the one i watch. Not the one who watches me. The one who thinks im not pretty and not so good, that i'm normal...decent, childish and kind of dumb. Yes.

but whathefuck, that peace wont come. I dont want it to come. Well whatever. Dont drag this post to conversations. Clear it off your self-mindedness.

Im cleared. I clarifyed my green light, no drugs in my pocket.
Just in the blood i carry.

pasting pics. on my memory. it was like a magical fairy tale.

THEN IT ALL DISAPPEARD.

poof.

sighs, there are so many people spying, watching for me with their spyglasses from afar. But the one i'm watching, is not. Happy that i'm his, but doesn't know why.

But heck. I will still watch him...

And they will still watch me...

hmm, THEY LOVE ME, yes they do, but they dont care.

The maths and science paper was like,

WHAT THE *toot*.

Fuck la, damn uneasy, and too minimised time, too cramped, my head, argh, my head, arh, arh, my head!!!

Then the stewpid CHIA talk so much, nag at us so much, so grouchy... I was like, "sighs, if i had a gun..."

Then i wished people all the luck they need and went IN without any weapons in my fingers and belt. It wasn't easy, but fun, no lesson. Heh.

Crapped around with dinah, damn fcking lots of laugh, everything was *toot*ing funny. The kid dropping flat on his face, the stupid engage song, the funniness in everything else.

And yeah she came with glenn, then my 'bro came, so i went ard with him while dinah and glenn calmed, and then when my 'bro left, i was with them, then glenn left so who's left? Dinah's on the left and i'm at right.

Fucked around through fucking exhisibits that cured boredom, and that was that.

Good day huh? I just died. And so you're there going, "she's a lying fake again, how can she ever die when shes like, posting this?"

SIGHS, if i had a gun...

DOTS. Hearts you all. Yeah. Hearts you all i will break, i will shatter them.

Into tiny tiny pieces. Shards that will pierce, unseen but hurts.
Unintended but purposed. Small piece, big pain.

Im in a middle of a puzzling nightmare, KILLING my insides, eating up my brain,
sucking my logic, crushing my heart. This f-ing fuck.

get out of here u *beeps* or you'll end up a classy decoration on my shirt.

So I'm sorry, as two hands open doors.
So I'm sorry,
Something serene to steal my life away.
Climbing on the way up,
Sizing up the competition,
Waiting for the right time,
Strike a chord and change your life.

Don't you ever think for one-second
that i will forget the reasons that i cried.
You are no more potent than words that choke me
I sit and ask you two words.

This is not a product,
We're not in a competition,
Waiting for the right time,
Strike a chord and change your life.

Regret's how i spell your name.
In light of what you have done.
How can you not feel the same?
My love will fade with the sun.

As days go by, shed a tear.
I hate your face more than life.
I'll fake a smile for (you) my dear.
So turn away.

Climbing on the way up,
Sizing up the competition,
Waiting for the right time,
Strike a chord and change your life.

YESTERDAY was bad, in the beginning. MMm, but it was ok in the end. Well, he came by, and it was *fun*.

Dark, shut eyes, squeels, dreams, REALITY.

It was real okay. I mean, we were.

Hmm, i think i flung my geo. Today, and malay too. Flung it. Flung it.
I love the letter E when it comes to exams. Cus its the scond letter for dead
and the third for die.

Cus u noe wat? I FLUNG IT, whoohoo. So rynn, now what the heck are you good at?

Studies, no, not anymore.
Guitaing, np, yucks,
singing, BLUEK,
staring, eye starting to itch...

WHAT WHAT WHAT TELL ME. something to be paid for..

pkease, forget about them;

Think of me as days pass us by.
Shards of glass
Skin of gold
Steal my breath
Blood runs cold
Violet waves
Oceans blue
All my love
Lost in you
In you I see further.
Can it last forever?
Sinkhole that we would frequent,
White heels safe from extinction
Words are lost in your eyes.
One thought inside my heart.
I said that I don't need you, but I'm a liar, I swear I do, I do.....

Ok, i don't know to feel hurt, or not. Because i'm missing him, but the blood on my head brings a beat saying i feel... URGH.

vision burning.

i hope his dreams come true one day,
nothing lasts forever..
is nothing my 'nothing'?
or is something my 'nothing'?
because 'nothing' lasts forever.
Would you care being my 'nothing'?
Nothing is worth being 'nothing' to me.
Because that nothing will never ever last.
I just know it.

Silence lost me again, im gone. Half dead in my safe zone.
Ouch, heh, do i look SAFE to be seated beside with when in the bus?
Cuz thats what i think you think. "She looks pretty safe, i can sit beside her"
Hey, SAFE is danger, and yes, i will stab you, especially if you are swedish, no kidding.

And anyway, i've got a pending person, anytime i could do IT... in Any way.

and yes, what would you feel if somebody you love so much thinks about somebody else and doesnt feel the same way as you do? One answer, one opinion, one suggestion, one thought, one word.

USED.

What have YOU people got to do with me?

Complications, complications, this is killing me. Half good isn't it to know that i'll be gone halfway through this nightmare, a never ever ending one. Like, what the hell, shouldn't it be gone... At least soon?

I'll try to believe it would. Oh face it, i've lost my dignity, my common sense, my life... And thankfully my heart! If not, i'd be chased around like a wild horse out of it's stable. Shoot, is this another one of those F-ing meanings of HAPPINESS?

Like heck, i'm FREE, and for once, i hate it. Gosh, i need help.. again. Maybe i don't. I mean, i lived and survived through all the "HELP ME"s in my whole life. Count, will you how many times i said 'help me' in this blog just?

Really, you'll give up for a month's posts. Just a month's posts. And if you don't, CONGRATULATIONS you surely are a winner. Or at least, a winner against your own will. Will. Do i even have a will?

Maybe, but i don't feel so. In fact, what feels do i have? I DONT. Face the fact, alright alright i do, i do, but i don't FEEL like i want to. Hurts, sucks. I feel like a lonely ghost, burning souls along with my heartbreaking whatever so. Yeah, that's what i feel, and for the meantime, that's all i want to feel.

yeah that, and him.

ID RATHER BE IN HELL(school) THAN AT HOME RIGHT NOW.

THIS IS WAR. ME AGAINST BOREDOM AND HUNGER. AND BOREDOM AND BOREDOM. SOMEBODY SAVE ME

040506...the date where IT started.

my nightmare, your nightmare.

The exams. And after all these days are gone, i'll end it up with a glitch. The match will burn.

I'll be in the safe zone where there are many penknives and death. Close on eye, safe from one piece of danger... Close the other. I'm gone, DEAD.

Be there at my funeral will you?

poof. im gone.

Typical. Just typical. Sighs, the day was perfect, but i'm not.

I'm sorry i caused so much pain in so..many many of you guys. Guys. And to my special one. Cuz, i just cant divide. I'm enjoying the silence. I'm near to nobody, and i'm far to nobody too. i feel in the middle.

Break this silence will you? What am i really to everyone? Do people think i am as sincere as i am? Why do my words escape when i'm trying to tell somebody something? Why do i hide and why am i so sensitive? Why do i feel for you when you don't feel for me?

And why am i the one chosen to live? Why can't i die young and go straight to heaven?

Will anyone just please come to me and fix my heart? Help me settle out everything? Do minor things like, not answering one sms hurt you? if it does, please... I don't have all the time to stare at my phone. Can't bare another loneliness. I can start things but i cant end them. I can start cutting.... i cant stop.

And just now in a bus.. I met somebody.. Who i didn't figured out who at first. He was sitting at the back beside me, he seemed familiar. Like a long lost something. He had doubts too i think if i am rynn or not cus i keep glancing with a curious look.

When i seperated from him it was then that i realised... FAIZAL'S BAND MEMBER, ONE OF HIS BEST FRIENDS. Oh god i couldve' shouted then. He was nowhere in sight but i wish to see him again. Does he know abt faizal's death? I hope he does... i regard him as my bro too last time. But, things totally changed.

This is turning from sadness to despair. Who would help? I feel so disappointed when i try so hard for the truth and for helping others and they take it as some joke. i know i seem like a fake but, truthfully i am not... I guess we're just finding ourselves.

Becoming who we really are.

My back, hurts, my neck, hurts...

Im so tired i hardly had time for you. Sooo sorry. Had to wash the clothes, then iron the others, then clean the house a bit... And everything else that matters like changing the bed cover thing and... OH YES. I NEED TO CLIP MY NAILS. sec.

But on the other hand, later la.. Nothing much happened, just a few this and thats. Exams are on my shoulders and they're too heavy... Cuz everything else is too. All is all. sighs, got HOMEWORK to do, sorry bloggie.

I just fell on my knees, begged for the rain to fall and the sun to die...

but i'm a hopeless thing, nothing happened... but everything did.

IM ALIVE, ITS WHAT I DO..... but im also dead.

suicide*in a death

another trial...

the light is dim.

while my vision, BURNS.

ouch is all i can say, and nothing else matters now.

just me and the silence...

Visions of you in my mind. Thoughts of smiles and smiles collapsed over me.

Then you're gone. Love is so cruel.

I feel hidden and i'm hiding. I don't want to show. So, Rynn is nice huh? Well i'll stop. Can i? I've got feelings for others and hurting them means a lot to me. A whole lot. This will cause me to fall to pieces, break in twos, dissolve in tears...

U said "you might be just what i need"

might.Might.MIGHT!!! This only means, now you need me. And now you don't.
Let me do the simplest review for how i feel now. I FEEL REPLACED. People are entering the people who once loved me, and i am replaced. I feel used again. I don't feel good, i don't look good, i am not good.

U see me. U always see me. Now u see me. Now u don't.

I know i'm just a piece of nothing, just a piece inside of you, a tiny piece at the back of your mind, remembered when you want to remember me. I'm burning inside out. I'm feeling numb. I feel tortured. I try so hard to smile. And i know i'm not up to standard for you, i know my weaknesses. I feel so worthless next to you. Go ahead it's your life, up to you to be with OTHERS. But there are people who truly care, i think.

For example there's this two people, who wants to see me EVERYDAY in the early MORNING before SCHOOL they want to GO to school WITH me.

THEY CARE! THEY CARE! THEY CARE! The role models. Bodyguards, hah. They're both so kind. But am i? I try so hard to be kind and even and neutral. Even if i do hate somebody, my show for it has never been obvious. I pity people fast.

Now that's sensitive. Im so frustated of everything i can break every single bone in your body
...but not your heart.

Sighs. Hmm dat's sth i did at school due to anger and boredom. Well just now met dinah, miss her. SHE KISSED ME. Omygosh and i didnt give her a return.

Dinah2. Thanks girl.

She kissed me. When will you?

And when will my relflection kiss me too?..Kiss my tears away.

homework is a tragedy.

tragedy i tell u, tragedy. like seriously it's everywhere, stacked in piles, arranged in tiles.

well im so sick right now i look so pale and...with blackblue hair, i look so... soo.....

pooped out and pale. and pale.

sighs, ITS PAINFUL, so PAINFUL. Now tomorrow i'm going to school with two people, older than me, men, like my bodyguards. -_-

Sighs, i feel like a witch with no spells to cast but magic that kills. One person nearly commited IT because of me. Don't die, person. You're not the one for me, he is.

WELL im busy. love u people!

fuck u la.

Hello self, long since we met... I was too busy offending my lazy life with you. No offence. But i wont give you up, though sometimes i do let you down.

These few days, a bit minor... Im still as sick as a sick girl and still as blurr and stoned. Let me update you for a little bit.

I DYED MY HAIR! BLACK BLACK BLACK with that pinch of blue you'll see when i'm under the sun. Mmm, saturday was a hick off the hook, went back home pretty late because of soccer. Not me watching, its that man with soccer feet.

Yesterday went everywhere. the adults brought us prawn fishin, it was SOO boring. I kept myself in the car for three whole hours, talking on the phone or sleeping. It was terribly hot hot hot. I was practically perspiring, but of course i wasn't dumb, the windows were all open wide but no wind approached to my rescue.

Like, where is my wind charming?

Missing my angel... That blurr kid at the top of the deck looking around slowly..for nothing.

Well thats about what i went through lately. Gotta clean the house for a little bit, no one's hired, and then i'm going to hold up an umbrella in case the exams start raining down.

=) good day people.

Emortal