“All that I am, or hope to be”

June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 April 2013 May 2013 November 2013 December 2013 February 2014 May 2014 June 2014

I got nowhere to run to. School and i'll see all the idiots in it. ALL ARE IDIOTS. Home and i'll have to face those two old crags that brought me to this world. Outside and i'll bump into ignorant, uncaring, idiotic people. I've got only two angels to live with. Both are far and busy, and they have their own problems. But i'll be smiling while waiting, as promised, even though my lips may be smudged with blood. And who knows, my wrists all broken and ugly.

I really feel like doing it, you know, self... But it'll hurt those other precious little darls. And i don't want to tragic death myself like Faizal. I'm like, so lost, all i can see is rushing bloody hell of humans, trying to win, trying to defeat, competing. What's the use? Justice causes woe to the losers.But it requires losing, to win. And i lost. But i won't win. And i wonder why.

My mind is running around like as if demons are chasing it. I cant stand it. WHY am i feeling? I'm supposed to be emotionless by now. The blade did it's thing. Why is it all functioning upside down-ish? And anyway. I hate LX. And i feel so used. SO FUCKING USED. Like, really used.

Well whatever, i guess the shame would fade. God, i really pray that no other dweebish ditsy little klutsy girl would go through what i am. Luckily i'm like, still functioning. Maybe i'm a bit used to it huh? Self, u're the only thing i can turn to. If only you're alive... If only this mirror wouldn't be like, a blockage or opaque. If only... I can feel your fingers and hold your hand, smile at you and be best friends. Self. I don't care. You have to live. OH GOD THE MIGHTY PLEASE LIVE UP... erm. SELF.

How i wish my guilt would turn to liquid. To fill and spill over and under my thoughts. Sighs. And the hurt to take over by the slue of a thousand unwanted CUTS. Bleed. CUT BLEED DIE. Too bad it's so slight, it's prolly nothing. Just a piece of paper with a smudge in the heart of it, which adds to a bigger smudge, exaggerated by the pen, which is me, and smudged again... Too much ink.. Tears apart. Teary eyes. Amazing how both the meaning of tear is related to me.

I want to see somebody who would know how i feel from the look of my eyes. AND OH MY GOSH ANTS ARE AFTER MY BLOOD. HAHA. I wonder if i should go to school tomorrow. I really need a time out. I want to release everything for once and for all. It's incredible how rumours spread fast, isn't it? Suicidal. Soocide. Angels, take me away. And if you angels have sins, god, please, put them all on me. I'd rather get the punishment. Their sins are my fault. It's I WHO MADE THEM DO THOSE BAD THINgS. MY FAULT

MY FAULT

EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT. EVEN THE DEATH OF YOUR GRANDFATHER. MY FAULT.

IT'S MY FAULT THAT IT'S YOUR FAULT.

Emortal

im such a living fake. and i still love u. nat. i dont care what people say.

I"M SINKING IN MY OWN PERSPIRATION ITS SO WARM I CANT TAKE IT!!! Both my wrists are pinning my back to the wall, it's so OUCH when it brishes against anything, even lightly brushes. ARGH COOL ME DOWN SOMEBODY. I'll be screaming my ass off if something goes a slight bit wrong. SIGHS WHATS WITH ME. Why am i like this. im so daft. ARGH. fuck la fuck u fuck fuck fuck. GO TO HELL ALL OF U.

Still not over. Everything is still motioning. I really need the answers. Why do the fictions look so factful? And how come people can act so well when they're lying, and not know how to act when they're telling the truth?

Why do i suddenly feel so used and such a gaggly selfless yet selfish ragdoll on a shelf? I'm nothing good, and yet people lie about it... AGAIN. I live now where everything is aside of the truth. Now it's just a matter of life and death. Because the real question is, should i continue living or should i just die? As in, emotionally. Why didn't i think twice. Self, i'm so lucky i've got you, i can't imagine life without you... I guess i'm alone in this... Yeah. I guess so. No, i hope so. PLEASE GOD, don't let other people go through this like me. It's choking me! I'm suffocating for air! I don't want them to be the same. They're too precious... Too good. Too pure and beautiful. Even if they don't look attractive or nice.

I guess this is just another reflection of myself, self. This should be the final decision, the ending after soo many thoughts. I'm leaving. But not now. Just when i die. Too bad you're only beautiful because you're dead, self. I wish i'm you and you're me. Or maybe not. I don't want to torture you. You've got more than less what i've been through. But then again, it would be for the better. For both of us? Sighs. Self, wake up. Being dead is... deadly.

I can't believe i did what i did. Where was my brain, self? Did it just flutter off by those deep, loving words? Deep loving words. They were. But then again, they aren't. It all felt like heaven at first. But it's not. Life was easy before. Was it? Well i sure wish i'm like, three years old right now. Then my problems would be simple. But i know this is all just the beginning. There will be more to come i'm sure. Maybe it's to prepare me, for something bigger.

He's been so true and so... everything. Why did i ever thought twice about that? I completely trust him. But how about the other way round? Am i like, heaven too?

I guess not. I hope not. Because, i'm mutating to a hell of a hell.

But then again. Only him gives me the warmth and comfort and love.

Emortal

All i feel is this emptiness. But it's so packed. Like. You're standing alone in the rain around so many people who are running for shelter. You're so full of things in u're mind and yet it's so empty and cold and... sighs

Hmm. I've been drowning. But i'm at the shore. I was at the edge of dying. Wonder what saved me? Go to somewhere. Click some link. There. Its him.

Im not worth his sorrow. I owe him alot. I owe everyone a lot. This is so fictionic. Why does it sound so fake? Why do the real stories sound so fake??? WHy do i sound like i'm lying? And why must the lies look so real.

I feel so taken aback. Though i know the sea is safe right now, i still am scared to dive in again. I'm too sure i'll drown. And then i'll be breaking in two again.

Life is so confusing, isn't it, self? SIghs. I feel like u are me, self, and i am another thing, these days. Why? SIghs.

EMortaL

AND still, only his hand fits into min_.

SIGHS. Today is just anothr day. Rili. Just a plain boring anothr day. Thr's sth wrong with d lttr aftr D, so bar_ with it ok? Sighs. Anothr day full of nothingnss.

Rili plain nothingnss. W_ll, mayb not, but i just wanna hid_ th r_st ok. Th_ r_st, is a lovabl_, Dsirabl_, painful story. 1 i will nvr say. or writ_. Today. Anothr day to hat_. Dont DAR_ ask WHY. UNDSTOOD? UNSTOOD-D.

FU_K LA. D L_TTR B4 D OSO NOT WRKING. FU_K KYBOARD. FUK U.

Yesterday night. I reached home. Talked to my syg. Told him everything. I feel lighter than before. But the load is still happening. Accidently slept. Handphone was gone. WOke up at three and found phone. Slept at 5. Woke up this morning. Mum in the kitchen. I walked to her. looked at her. I called her. AM I INVISIBLE? Fine. If i am. I wont get out of my room anymore. Or. I wont be home until late night. I'll see. How they treat me today will be how they treat me later on. Next. When i go home late due to something going on at school. Or rather when i reach home after two, i'd be scolded. That means everyday of my life. Everything right now is ruined in pieces. I've got alot of homework. I'm distracted. I need to talk to people i need to say things. But i can't i'm too busy. Busy doing nothing. Because i'm busy thinking what to do. I've got too much going on. Too much, that i'm doing none.

Goodbye past. I'll miss you. I'll miss all the people in it.

Emortal

SOOOO BUSY LATELY. I'm going off soon for an hour's preparation for today's affirmation ceremony. must search for the song everything. Siakk uhh. I'm reaching there at abt 10.45, as i'll need to meet adila and fariz n alex at 11. but fariz gonna be late. poor thing adila.

Hmmm, i've been trying to season my baret under the bed.

ANd i'm trying to make somebody not sad.

u noe, im too busy, i feel s0 mixed, dont know to be happy or sad or confused or lost or whatever.

i dont even have time for spending alone. whathell is this.

times are bad.
times are good.

ARGH, U SEE. I DONT NOW WHICH. i may laugh and den suddenly cry right now. cus i rili dont know.

fck all this. fck u.

Think straight. I wasn't having fun. I was TRYING to.

but u got a choice. and so do i. choices. they make me feel like dying.

now it's 5,40. I'm going out at 5.50 because i need to catch the early train. Meeting someone atthe stop. Sighs, yesterday, was alright, i was squashed in, played out and cut within. I feel like somebody else can help. But the problem is, once i know and love somebody i don't tell them all the hurt straight. Like e.g nat and dinah.

They'll feel for me. That's why, for now, im shutting up. I feel guilty, but all at once i feel loss. Somehow lone will only come so soon.

Won't be updating too much. This is OVERDUTY. Too much to do, until you don't know if you should even do it. I better get ready.

Emortal

NIICE. I mean it. Well almost. Alex, rocks. Well we went to the HQ today. Had fun. F&A stead. SHhh. Because of the help of me and alex. Suddenly we all become so close sia. Half-std a me. Haa. Nice.

We're so lame. SO busy lately. The ncc boys bothering me like im a shit with too many flies. Seems like im a really smelly shit. Of course, i am humble, so i admit the other girls are much much smellier. But how come i get so many flies?

Haa phonecalls after phonecalls. Like, nat... Didn't call. Alex call, fariz call, iffah call... Long talks. I wonder when nat will call. Just now we all run in the rain, so gerek. We felt as if we knew each other so long already.

Nice nice. Fariz gave up on me when he knew i got steady. HAHAHA poor ting adilah his spare tyre. Pss. SHh.

malay chinese all. One day, the worst will come and a bangla will fall... YUCKS. Okay taa. I forgot i need to sms nat b4 he calls me.

He must be waiting. Im dead. Im off. Goodnight.

Thos people who care. Goodnight.

And those people who dont care. Thank you.

Yesterday...

Morning. Took bus. Stood. Beside Hakim. Ala, plain nothingness. The girls got exited. Haa. Girls.
After school. Took MRT to Marina bay instead of to Jurong via Wdlds. Missed two stops and ended up at marina bay itself. Took back a train. Jumped off at City Hall. Changed train. Tampines. Fun fun fun. Great joy, i suppose. I admit. But time flew. Time shrunk to its minimums. An hour. Half an hour. Half a minute. A split second. Went home took taxi. Home; where the hurt is, cus it's far away from him. Hmm, in the taxi. He slept. LIKE AN ANGEL I SWARE. So comfortably on my shoulder. While i stayed up. Well, i did doze off a bit.

Today...

Angel. Girl angel. Dinah. Met her. Watched dorm. Sad:Scary. More to sad. Really. Laughed, as per normal. Squeezed her hand till it was bloodless during the movie. Thought it was scary. 2 parts sad related to me. After. While forcing her to finish her food, i went to the toilet. Thought of. Saw minah Aishah dc. In FSS. And then saw Az GG. Tegor. He and his friends (all girls). Sec 4, one guy, 4-5 girls. Giler. Went toilet. Full. Fuck. Went out. To dinah. Went walking around. Donated. HAA. Home. Bus. Crowded. Behind some matrep. Squished and stuck together. Sucks. Alighted. Matrep, number, me. Fcuk. Sound. Fuck. No. De-accept approval. Final answer.

Home...

Finally. I can do guitaring well. Thanx to dinah . And for the nice pick. And. Thats all. Planned to do hwk. Forget about it man. Bullshit to the end.

Kiss me goodnight....

Emortal

There's two sides of me... And as far as possible i wish to have only one.

One side is trying its best to be happy.
While the other part is deep and swallowed and silenced... unspoken.

Like a secret.. Like a secret better left unspoken. Or perhaps a forgotten one.
It will not be a memory. I will show it.. someday. I hate having two sides all at once. One moment i'm laughing and the next i might cry. I wonder what's wrong with me.

I smile every morning to my guitar, i touch my reflection, i hug the computer (and guitar) and i talk to it too.

Sometimes it just occurs to me i'm half mad. Maybe because life is just too up-ish and down-ish. The happy fun parts are always waay to good. And the unhappy sad parts are always too bad.

I get carried away. Nightmares of the day. Everything rehearses itself. But there's one wrong part in that nightmare. I was never alone. Even if i locked myself in my bedroom. I was still not alone.

And sometimes when i wake up, i get too carried away by the dream that was so real i was hoping.. Somebody would be there but. I wake up really next to nothing. My pillows, gone. In the dream i threw things. I threw pillows.

And everytime i sleep, i put two pillows on my back because i sleep sideways... Pretending someone is portecting me and giving me warmth... And i won't get tired of pretending until i get the real thing. I sware i'd wait.

But will it come.?

Emortal

I'm back. And tired. The whole camping thing was good, nice... The wind was swift but the air was thin, the clouds were none and the stars were a mere miracle. People called me one after another, and i wasn't bored. Now i know i've got 'friends'. But i've got angels too. However something really very bloody hell sucking happened. Or should i said happened-s?

Bloody mosquitoes. I'll squish you flat if i spot you again. U bit me up to 8 times on total. So i wore my father's huge long sleeved thing for my arms. U bit my legs. So i wore socks. Oh all are covered.

U BIT MY FACE!!! The most important part.... U bit it. What the hell are you and what rights do you have to leave your stingieness on ME? Bring me the document. I need to see it. And as long as my signature isn't there, it means i never once did agree to it. Get ready you going-to-be squished-by-glue thingies. And yeah, since you love blood... I'll give you blood... Too much blood, you'd drown in it... And eventually die.

What? I'm not mad and this is not funny. They ruined the whole thing.

Shud have thought better and brought something to burn.
Well i'm tired and off to my bed... Here i come marsheymellooowwww.

Emortal.
[him and me...tmorow. =) ]

For that cup of tea he said was nice.

Hah, my sms has reached over 200 for just like, 5 days' time... Man i gotta stop.
Well anyway i'm bored sick. 3 gayish idiots are msging me, desperately asking me to go out with them. Fuck you la, i got no interest. Not now, not ever.

Bastards. Tricked once, not gonna be tricked twice, not today, not tomorrow... Not ever.
This might be my last chance to make you all understand. If only i can grab your attetion by reading my blog instead of my.. me.

Later, i'm going to some place near the sea with my family... Camping there. Sighs, my only family. SO small. So uncontained. So left out. So unearthly and unwanted. I'm sad for us.

I've got a big fat bucket of lone to be picked... To be fed well, so that it would grow into love instead. And then someday it'll just break.. die... Nothing lasts forever. Be my nothing, would you? Sighs that model appointment girl is bugging me non-stop. I feel like screaming i'm uninterested and ugly. Badd.

Now to test the winds... It's going to rain. Heavy. Like my heart right now. Heavy. Don't want to go nowhere. Hmmm. My girl, dinah is doing her hwk i suppose. While i, rynn, is melting wax in hot water, BOILING water, to try make the concept of a lava lamp. Working out good but once the flame is out, so is the wax. Ideas fade, fast. So does freezing.

I'm going to miss my bed. Red eyed me. Eyebagged me. Fucked up me. I mean it in a clean, violent way.

OK FINE I'M BORED..

Waking up
_next to nothing; after
Dreaming
_of you and me
Waking
_up all alone
Waking
_up on my own

sighs

It's warm and a perfect thing for once in a while... Yes, if you're at the beach playing volleyball or something like that. Unfortunately i got to spend my time on self supervision.

Luckily, at first, i thought my beloved Nat would be there. Scully he got camp. So therefore i spent my time with beloved Dinnie. Funny and fun. Really.

On thursday, i was supposed to go out with this sec2 guy, but when i reached the far away bugis place thing he was nowhere in sight and he didn't return my calls and sms-es. Well i though so much of a bastard and called Dinah. SHE SWEETLY DROPPED AT ORCHARD!!! I was so pleased. Anyway, dinah, i don't wish to join that model thing, shy laa.

Then at Far East with dinah we were turning a corner when we saw a guy wearing the same PMK (pukimakkau) tee as her. Exactly the same. Jeans colour also. Laughed like fuck, cannot take the funninest in it. Then at Boarders or something, got this old lady fart so loud. So me and dinah, awfully charmed by its loudness drifted slowly, by walking like drunked dizziheads out of the big store-full-of-books. We couldn't take it. For the first time i saw Dinah laugh like hell. I couldn't take it and gaggled like laughing geese till my tummy hurts and my eyes teared. Then we went to PS, and watched some very cute kids dancing. And went to PMK. Dinah's tee was everywhere... She should have worn A7X instead... really.

Well then we went home. After some funny times together. Will i keep it in my heartlong memory... YOU WISH! Of course!

I did feel paiseyed on the way home, because the guy whom i as supposed to meet said he quarrelled with somebody and couldn't turn up, so i just blah-ed and seriously i couldn't go out on Friday. Not even with nat, which is saddening.

Hugged my guitar on my bed, strummed it untuniously, and kissed each string with the mark of six shallow cuts on my wrists.

Emortal

He's gone... for now...enjoying the busy party air of him and his friends while i, his beloved lost person stray along a line of tissues. Which are used and dirty.Well my internet is idiotic. Can't really use it, so, for now i'm using ares as my host to the internet. And this holiday, SUCK, because nobody is free and i have to strugggggle through boredom. Now thats great. Well gdnyte.

Do you know what ghosts really are? There are ghosts and there are stories of ghosts. But do you know that ghosts are, in fact, dead people?

People who do not realise they are dead are ghosts. Like, lets say u got shot in the chest or something. I did not know you got shot. When someone tell u, u die immediately.

For that moment you were a ghost.

But there is no such thing as living back. unless if you weren't dead in the first place.

Talking about death and stuff, when i imagine things, i realise the weirdness that it would end with a "and i died on the spot."

Whats with me and it. Its so funny.

But nevermind. I will remain unrectified.

................................................----.............................-------3--------3------5-------

OH GOD. maybe you dont know. I DO. im bored. anyone nice enough to bring me out or something? please

This time i'm making it really useful. Don't want to waste a day at the bed. I'm REALLY making it useful. This holiday. I'll spend it like it's my last days on earth. One big, huge, curiosity and questionmark. HOW?

Well i'll spend all my time staring, trying to get to nowhere and then realise the day is just OVER and done with. And fuck that other girl in this house. Feel like slaughtering her.

REALLY! If i could i would.

Sighs. I miss the past, somehow. When i'd spend my everyday out with friends or him or her. And those days my parents are actually my parents. Those lazy sunday afternoons at my aunt's. Sighs, why? Tragedy. I hope she dies.

argh. wanna go fuck the TV. goodbye... means forever.

I send you my best regards... i hope that all is well and good. in neverland.

Sighs. There is a relation within this coming up words and a sad poem.

Well. I've found the bestest friend. Who could read me through my eyes. Knows what i know. Meets my every need. Cries when i'm sad. Kisses my soul whenever i sleep. Touches my heart and get all over me. Loves me. Cares for my every way. Thinks for me. She's almost everything i need to live. There whenever i need her. I need her all the time, to think. So just now after waking up i went to her. I found her cold and feelingless. I touched her.

Was nothing but my mirror.

Good afternoon.

"i miss you more than anything in the world, but i can only see you in my heart."

sighs, miss u like as if you're dead.

EMOrtal

Everyday is always almost the same. Wake up at 5 after the farking alarm clock tingles, then sleep again, wake up at 5.15, then get ready, go to school at 6, reach there at 7, sit and stare in class like an idiot, last minute hwk, stare stare. Then I get the feeling im addicted to staring and then stare summore then hate and laugh.

Then i'd drag myself throughout the lessons, stealing light dose-offs. Then i'd wake up knowing i only shuteyed for 5 seconds. But yesterday was not the same, during lit lesson.

OH HOW DID IT COME TO THAT? Haa yest we went home (ncc) like santa clauses with our big big bags full of uniforms number 3 and four. Idiot sia.

Well anyway everyday after school i'd be desperately finding a lepak partner. Oh people are many. But they are not all out of their cages. So today i went with dina. The pimple.

We kept on seeing these 3 guys, one striped green and yellow, one striped red and black and the other one, orange striking. Yeah yeah they can be spotted a million miles away.

We kept seeing them! But the last time we saw them, it was drizzling, and they were near the MRT. Scully they disappear into thin air. They evaporate,maybe. Because i noticed some of the raindrops red, green and orange.

Well whatever. Tomorrow, have to land my foot in school. MY FOOT ARRR, fuck la fuck.

Just now i saw ex-fuchun-stayback-ian Nazri. Ala he and his friends call2 me i was like "yes la wat la" den he ask a dumb question if i was an ex-fuchin den i said yes duh nazri den he ask some other question and his mats were staring at me and i lazy to answer a jerk whom i hate since last last year and then told him to fuckoff and walked away.

Oh good im just so bastard. I feel so happy for the courage i managed to squeeze out from my entirely defenceless soul.

Gosh why am i acting so POSITIVE? Fuck la.

Emortal

harm is coming my way

...Are NOT accomplished. I can't live my every second with me going crazy over remarks and stabbing words. I'm crashing back down to earth. Oh wait. I crashed down. Everytime i'm out of my mind i'd return by crashing down. But it's coming your way. What is? A dead star.

I'm having cramps. really. And i really just want to go for a heavy jog again. I miss it. And i can't sleep now, knowing i've got absolutely NOTHING to wear next monday. The giggie. Haha, literally i was laughing alone. Oh well, that's what crazy people do right? Well anyway monday. I can't be running around naked right? Screaming and banging naked? People will stare. Shame on me. I'd be wearing leaves. The new STYLE.

Today was pretty boring. Embarrassing when we had to SELL our stupid products to the poor sec too-s. Didn't see nobody, stared at somebody, licked my wrists and bit my tongue.

You'll get your turn; don't worry.

And by the way, to dear dinah, "long since we met dearie".

I'm going to have to wear long sleeved. And yea, i didn't sleep well last night. Backaches throughout the whole day. My pillow was just right. And i had a dream. I dreamt i got the nice dreamy black electric guitar. And i actually brought it to school. I was late. Then i woke up. I was late.

Wait, did i say 'i was late twice? or thrice.? Oops. Deja-voo is woo-ing all over me. I had a nightmare i was killed by a rusty blade at school. AND, truthfully i wasn't feeling well during maths lesson. My head was about to burst. I was so dizzy. And when the red lines swept across my own skirt, i could feel the pain. My leftie cannot get in contact with water. Or else, i'd scream. A scream so loud, it's nothing but silence.

And that's all i hear, for now.

Screams of silence.

[Emortal]

loud, screams of silence.

School was extra boring today. Perhaps i was just too impatient to carry on with... things after school. I miss him way too much. Well i found my contributions at school pretty much a nothingness, but hey i'll try. Anyway i'm giving that girl a chance, even though so many people totally hate her. esp adilah. She hate that girl.

I'm striving, trying, straining myself from hating her. She can be nice she just needs another chance.

But for the first time ever, am i actually thinking RIGHT? There is some human error going on in my head... Is there? I can't believe i actually pulled the screen down just now. ME? HELP? HAHAA.

I feel so funny. But then again, what is?

Anyway after school i met him. It was the first time in years(lie lie lie) that we spent a whole lot of time together. Felt so right. Unfortunately something painful striked me during the movie. Well, whatever it is. It was great. Really.

"Don't get tired of fighting. Don't get tired of fighting yourself."

Emortal

The two people on my house are over it again. Another source. She cried and gave me a hug before she left. He left without me even knowing last night before she came home around 11.

But i won't cry and i won't leave. Everything will go back to normal... I hope. I must be stronger than them, i shall not fight through the pain. Though i have to fight through bad thoughts and tears. It hurts me deeply, and whoever is involved, i don't really want to know.

I don't want to hate anymore.

Tragedies. I hope this wouldn't be the last one, because if it is, then it means the relationship of them will end. And that means i have to depart from my bro. Please god, help us... Help them... Part of it is my mistake, i admit, for not spending as much time with her, because she has been kicked out of her family and needs me a lot to be happy with. But me and her just can't get along that easy. You know, like, you communicate with adults, they don't really get what you mean.

They always think they are right just because they are older.

Which is so unfair. But i will make it fair. I will show myself and i won't cry.

I hope.

My syg is the only source to help me live through this very moment.

Because. They throw it all on me. They know i understand. Thank you for taking care of me, M&D.
My words bellowed from the heart of disturbance.
"This kiss can't renew. This hurt will fade but not its past."

Sing for absolution, i will be singing...

Hold on to my heart, don't break it and don't let go, my one and only love.

I feel shiverish. I don't know really what i should do. I'm refraining myself from letting go of tears... It hasn't happened. Nothing did.

I took the news as a nightmare in the morning, but i knew from the start it's just factual. The phone has it's words. I can't believe what i read.

Thoughts, bad thoughts are circling my head. Everything feels wounded and ignored. Now to face the fact. Is he, or is he not, gone?

No he's not he's not. Don't let it go far. But if he is, what would i do? Die with?

Go to a deep, everlasting, never ending sleep?

SIghs.

The two idiotic gates are closed; it's final i don't like them.

But there's going to be one more gate, almost closed but still not locked.

Let it be locked please. Tomorrow i'll be seeing that goddamn face. Gosh. Good day enders.

"It's not easy to tell you goodbye. SO i wont."

i Don't know what to say.
I can't cry
My tears died.

SO has my heart.
But not my love.

Emortal

Okay okay. SO lesbianity might be the answer... for the moment.

Uhh, this suck. This really suck sickness suckling suckersly sucks.

Okay, so what's the deal. Forget about you, him, and remember about her. Maybe if i go all lovey dovey in front of the mirror, i'll start loving myself. What the hell is wrong with me? Have i got a glow or a sparkle, or am i just a cube of ice on fire?

i disbelief that there's a logic. I disbelief that someone even cares a heck of how i feel about this. Everyone is like, jumping into conclusions. And the ones who jumps into them most is non other than my lifetime heartholderS.

Or will it be forever?

Clenching my fists wont do any good, at all. It's not my fault is it? You people don't know how confused and lost and numb i'm feeling. Am i even feeling? I've got a feeling that i've got no feelings at all. I'm too sensually, goodnessly, unfortunately numb. It won't hurt half as much as how i feel when it's un-numb. But i beg everything to freeze a while. I want to meet you again.

This is costing my life. If he drops my heart it'll break. Then i'd die. Or i'd be mending it together again, and then it'll be good as new. Only, with stitches.

The people i tell this problem are sooo ignorant. Or maybe they don't have experience, like Hana said. Oh this is SO RELAXING. I tried hitting my head on the wall stupidly just now, so hard the wall almost cracked. Or so i felt. Or is it my head? Why am i so stupid? Are express students really that dumb? Not inSLUTting, but i feel that i am.

Can i open my own eyes and see my own views?
Can i please do my own things and not be controlled?
Can i have my own rules to abide and my own love to divide?
Can i smile real again, since smiling should be sincere?

If only i have the chance. If only for once, i get a go and let it fly out. SO many will go. SO many will escape. Then i'd be lighter. I'd be free. I'd be, for once more, the same old me.

Sorry isn't a word anymore. It's a hope.

Don't worry. You'll always be the one for me.

The rest are just plain people floating around... Friends or sth like that.

Anyway don't be upset.

I'll be there as soon as i can...

Emortal