“All that I am, or hope to be”

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C.D.E.F

Borred.Sheitt'e.

Reall borred. Reall sheitt'e. Sit stare. Drink drink. Swallow swallow. Worry worry.
Thinking. Eyes rolling. Stops above. Stares above. Abusing eyes. PAIN. Watery. BLINK. Joy...
SMILES. Finally. Smile. Reminds me. Of those memories. Fresh blue skies. Oooh.
I'm to blame. I gave myself a really bad name. Illiterally.

Flushes past. 'Brooeewsh'. Flushed. Whoohoo.

Swirl swirl. Swallow swallow. Dream dream.

The EXORE SHINE. Oof.

You. Hello. URGH.

One hope. One journey. One destination.
Life's full of choices.

The journey to the past.

Home;Love;Family. I heard this once a long time ago. But i forgot from where...
Okay. Starts here my lie-rycs.

Someone down the road owe you a kiss... There's a final vital sign to all eyes fixed. You have time to waste. And i'm not sorry. I have time to care. It's dead and barried. You've got guts to spill; but noone trustworthy.

They salivate in hunger for you.

System of a down; violent pornograhpy..

HAHA, NICE SONG I TELL YOU.

Go listen to it.

dwlded this song long time ago.

Now then i realise it's nice, HAHA.

.>.>.>.>..........whoohoooo.

Yesterday... While sitting at a nice nice spot near the edge of the top of a... a... bus interchange to the view of green grass and lalangs... And having our great time talking and eating. for me the first of the day, at about four pm...

An old lady. Was doing some ''exercises'' or something... Weird. Then she left. And then he ran to find some tissue paper... And the old woman came back and screamed and ran away... from the only source of visible living... me.
t.

Talked alot, smiled alot, thought alot... Breathe a lot...

At home.. miss a lot.

Haa. No werries, everything was great. No doubts. At all. Except for the strange person thing. I didn't want to tell him there and then... Afraid she'd hear. So till then...

Emortal

RAPERs. Are they really everywhere?

Just stepped home. Was late, got reason.

Was back from meeting my ...mine... for the last time this year... MAYBE uhh. It was lovely. Very. Watched a movie. Funny! Pretty off-course though. Well after that on the way to home A girl scrambled all over me and gave me a surprising embrace. Then I just stood there idiotically. In my mind it was either "whathefuck is wrong" or "hie can i help you".

So i finally said "excuse me" and she replied 'RAPER RAPER RAPER'. At first i really thought she thought i raped her. I was dumb enough. Well then she defined what she meant. She had been raped. Then i quickly led her to a seat and sat uncomfortably beside her. Daina. She told me. That was her name. Thirteen years old. She was in a mess. Her top was... Well worn inside out. And her jeans were unzipped and unbuttoned. Her hair was miserrrraabblleee and her makeup was mad. Especially her eyeliners. Swept by bitter tears.When she told the story i almost cried too.
Hah, since i've got nothing to do...

In her words.

Daina: "I was on the way home. Today is my first year anniversary with my boyfriend and he broke up with me. So i slapped him and ran all the way. Then suddenly at the hill area a guy... I don't know maybe 20 or something pulled me aside... Then he kissed me and then he took off my tee and jeans and... everything"

That's what she said... Well ABOUT. Typical malay-chinese girl. Then we talked for a while. Tried to cheer her up a bit. Told her everything will be alright... And FINALLY she smiled.

Called the police. Police told her to take of her undies, as the guy's semen was there... And she changed into a disposable one.

Am i. Opening up too much? Well thats it then. I rushed home. We said our goodbye and she said thanks.

New friend. No contact.

...........Yet.
Rapers. You give love. A bad name.

Well. Till then.

Emortal




here. are. some. more. pictures. cuz. im. bored. are. you? click. to see. larger V.

this is me. walking. towards nowhere. walking. walking. worrying....

on the swing. on the go. on the down. on the floor. on. the. crap..
ah shit la.

Dissolve and DECAY.

Haa. Went out with Sal, prolly the last few times... Or so we think. Went searching for my school, walked more than five miles just to get there. Yeah. We were terribly lost...

And we found people at that tomato in chinese place SOOOOOOO weird. Old grandmothers with walking sticks actually SMOKING. And we dropped our reciept and one man asked urgently is it was important. And we still had to pick it up. Well i'm sure he's just trying to be kind. Then we saw two malay typical hyper-merepek teenage girls behind a column screaming laughing jumping at...

nothing.

and i have to wake up at five next year, go out at 6, and reach there at 7.10 perhaps. How nice and far and lovely. That time i can just pick myself up at bus 168 and reach there, and then.

well

sit and stare.

haa.

till then.

emortal

My oldest abang sdare is sick. He asked for panadols. And so i asked why.

He said he saw the THING. Haa. Don't know to believe or not... But he said he saw it moving in the room. Wait a sec, i'll go ask him how it prolly looks like.

Wait ok...

MUAHAHHAHA. Skinny. Long hair. Scull-istic face. White cloth wrapped around. Tall. Haaa.
Kay. Build up courage rynn. Don't be scared.

Hmmm.

I see you fading away. I miss you very much. Room with empty bottles, broken dreams, and pride still running high, always on your side. But I wanted more for you. You can't go on this way. And now I see it all fall through. We prayed for better days. Stuck alone and scared. Throw your life away and now choking on your pride may be the only way. I don't want to see you like this. I tried to save you but missed. I still feel the hope on your road. Now come back to me like the days of the old. I still feel you there, trying to get on top. You'll always have my support, in my heart. People you've hurt. Friends that you've lied to. But we understand, and that s not you can see the end of the road, I can see it too, for you, I'm scared, if I lose you, I'm not prepared.

Haa got nothing to do.

Wait 'til after dark
we'll try to make a mark
one that stays until we're done
And we'll pretend again
let's try not to forget where we areand who we're with
Who we will find.

Miles can cut this tie we've made
the sharp side of the blade

As these words play out
they'll try and drag you down
you feel like one of them

Miles can cut this tie we've made
the sharp side of the blade
Make sure that you can keep it
make sure
you keep it in your heart

Miles can cut this tie we've made
the sharp side of the blade
Who we will find

SIGHS. I'm freaked out, really. Just now i woke up at 5.30 automatically, and searched for my handphone. Then it wasn't there. So i dug the whole room. And then at seven a man of aged 18-25 came knock knock knocking at my house door asking "does this belong to your household?" and i went gaga. Whathefuck how did my PHONE my precious phone which i hold on to sleep can fly all the way to that man's hands? GOSH. And last night... There's this MINYAK KAPAK smell in my room. I was talking to him.But i couldn't see anything, so i rushed out of the room, and asked "what smell is that" and then my father said "die main bilek sane pulak...." So that explains it all. And now i don't know what to do.

BECAUSE THE SCENT IS HERE AGAIN.

Who i'm with; why?

My head's bleeding. Hmm. Now i'm really BORED. It's official. BECAUSE I am home, with three boys and a maid and a messy room filled with books and clothings. But i don't feel like doing ANYTHING to them.

He's got NCC. And now, weirdly, i wish i'm still on that horse we rode on the way home. Horse. Yeah. Real high, but somehow i knew just how to get on it. The rest had to hold on to each other's head and shoulders, not the horse itself. And my kaksis hugged the horses' head. That was funny. I got to ride the horse on my own. Strangely the horse galloped fast. I didn't do anything. Both me and the horse were enjoying the speed when the owner stopped us. Then i jumped down and sat on the dirty grass. Thinking.

worrying.

Hah. Now where the fuck is he. And how come dinah didn't reply. And why am i alone again. I missed home so much. Nobody is around. What is this. I'm not supposed to think so much. I guess the routine's followed me from the "ranch" to home.

Sit and stare and worry and worry and worry and worry.

Got nothing to type. got nothing to say. Bad mood's stuck in my way.

I'm going to scratch my head harder so it bleeds more than how it is now. Boredom causes anger and somehow anger causes hate.

Some pictures. The first one, me, my kak sis 2nd oldest and then the oldest one.

Kaknis, kakna, and me. grr.







me and my kaksis. oldest kaksis.







Uh. Same couple.

ARGH. bbye.

It was okay. The holiday was. Lotsa delays, lotsa laughter, lotsa food... The little resort we stayed in for two nights had two tiny pools which we played in during the night, (thought of tanning, now i'm fairer cuz at night it's cold) and the whole resort is like one big family. We all share a living room, and the food downstairs (a poor buffet) is free... But the rooms are oversized but contains a bed and a wardrobe. The toilet is hyper good, too good i hate it. The flooring is DIRTY and so is its toilet bowl. I mean. Looking at it makes my throat go ''bluek''.

We had three rooms to ourselves. And each family each room. Most of the time i'm alone though, staring at blank spaces thinking and missing and... bearing the...

Hmm the day we arrived there it was like shit. YES SHIT i mean it. Because we ate a lot. So...shit alot la. And on the second night the five older kids (i'm youngest..again)and one oldest uncle went to the beach at NIGHT time. Torches. We had partners each and walked a funny walk all the way. Plain walks. No nothing. Just flat sands and tinie winie waves. I wishes he was there. I was missing him like hell. And i couldn't sleep because the floor was hard and he told me he had problems.. That made me feel really very bad. Like it is my fault. WELL, it pretty much is but i couldn't do anything then so i just kept quiet and be alone and sit and stare and worry and worry and worry... And worry.

Now i'm in my brother's room with a nine year old, a thirteen and a fifteen. All boys. Pretty odd. I'm scared of being alone in my room so here i am. Trying to online waiting for him. Perhaps he's asleep. Sms-ed dinah noting i'm safely home.. with a broken...

My stomach's full. And oh my gosh the boys. This room smells of everything with them giving out air here and there. While playing this... whatever warrior ps2 game. All in black. And i'm trying, forcing one of them to shower. SSHOOH.

I'm sorry i made you wait. I'm sorry i might have made you worry. I'm sorry i'm not me. I'm sorry i hid things from you.

I'm sorry i love you.

Emortal

I won't be satsified until after tomorrow. Then i'll be away again, riding horses... For until MONDAY. And i'm sure i'll come back like i've been in the toaster or something.

Sighs. Then i hope i can meet him on tuesday and wednesday and thursday and friday and saturday and sunday and monday and tuesday and... Every other day in my life.

Oh no way that'll be such a bore. I must see him every moment of my life.

Kay thats lame.

Hah. K. Bye. BYE.

Ares Emortal

Tomorrow. Better get my hopes up and smile one whole day. Must look rememberable in uniform tomorrow, because it'll be the last. So this is what others went through.

And i'll go through it too.

Hmm. Well better get mentally prepared. My new blogskin, really man, its damn fugly i can't bare to see it myself.

A picture. And that's all i can see besides some amount of words.

Well anyways. Goodnight...

ArEs Emortal

Hmm. Tomorrow i must go to school. And then i get to know which school i'll be landing in. And i'm pretty nervous about it. But i'll just worry about tomorrow tomorrow.

Ahah. Hmm. I changed my skin, yes. I made it myself. It's the ugliest thing i've ever seen. And i'm so embarrassed. Like, eeeeeky ugly. Haha.

But who cares. Its my "home" anyway.

=)

ArEs Emortal

And we'll pretend again... Let's try not to forget where we are. And who we're with.

Miles can't cut this tie we've made... The sharp side of the blade... Make sure you keep it. Make sure you keep it in your heart.

Who we're with.. Why.

Sighs people explode. When their mad i mean.

And i'm about to.

AAARRRGHHHHH MAKE SURE I KEEP IT IN MY HEART.

in my heart...

Somehow i feel guilty. Guilty because i felt something that i should have not felt before. Why was i dumb enough to tell you what my parents told me... To let go... I know i wouldnt and i know i cant... So why did i ask in the first place. I didn't have confidence in myself. I just had to.

And i cant believe i threw everything at you. But then again, what are you for anyway. *Grynns*.

Well thank you so much my dear. You've been a great help. And i promise i'll never have doubt in you anymore. Maybe you changed. But you're still the you that i know, even though you're different. And anyway it's not bad. I mean. I still love you. And it's still infinite.

I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I'm really sorry. Very sorry.

ArEs Emortal love you my dear

Memories Of Silence

Was great. Today was. Except for breaking to him the advice uhh. That was painful, and so is the one about the new job... ARGH rynn STOP rynn SELF CONTROL rynn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well anyways when he left i felt.

A feeling of despair, the feeling you get when you wake up out of a peaceful dream and found your hands and legs amputated, the feeling of total loss and grief. The feeling you get when you're in a warm safe place and suddenly you're out in the blizzard...

And i was shaking alright. Didn't get my bendy knees straight, had to walk like an idiot...

ANyways finally dinah's back and so am i!!!.

ARES EMORTAL

a story behind what is feared.

i'll tell him first tmoro. and then i'll just update his and my remarks.

...........................................................................................................
...........................................................................................................
...........................................................................................................

TODAY....

TODAY WAS GREAT! I mean it literally!!! Went around shopping with my mum, bought two mind-melting perfumes, one kindly donated to my beloved bro... Some things for me and some more and some more. My money, of course. Well i'm left with a hundred only...

Wow, spent so much, so damn much. Now i can't wait for tmoro, should be great, prayed to be great, sworn it should be great. =)

Ate a lot, well, just a meal actually but it was SO filling. Laughed a lot. Tried a gazzillion perfumes, and now both of us are initially surrounded with over twenty different smells outside and surrounded by dizziness inside. We kept on playing with those compact powder, keep smudging them onto our hands until we're not our color... We even tried "chocolate almond" color... And its so damn dark. I'm sure if i wear it, i'll look like i just got roasted in the cookie oven. o_O

Was fun. We smothered lipgloss on our fingers and wiped them onto the walls. Well today my mum was quite sporting i must say. No bad sides today.........................YET. Haa.
Musnt be too happy, good things come to an end.

Well i'm off to miss call my sayang.

Goo-bye

Ares Emortal

It hasn't been that long
Since we drank to the sunset, until it was gone
And down with it went our pain and fear
As we slowly broke contact more and more with every beer
And we passed out in each other's arms
Both admitting we'd never felt better
Never felt so warm
But awoke in each other's eyes
Without wearing a stitch of clothing
We were both deeply in disguise
And maybe I just set aside
The fact that you were broken hearted
In my own special selfish way
And if I hadn't set aside
The fact that you were broken hearted
Hell knows where your heart would be today
Maybe with me

It seems like it's been so long
Since we kissed through the darkness
Until it was dawn
Up with it came our pain and fear
That we'd already lost each other
We both knew that the end was near
Maybe I just set aside
The fact that you were broken hearted
In my own special selfish way
And if I hadn't set aside
The fact that you were broken hearted
Hell knows where your heart would be today
Maybe with me Maybe with me
Maybe with me Maybe with me
Maybe with me Maybe with me

-sorry about that-

Solo me. I'm a sinner.

I'd swallow, blind my own eyes, burn myself, die... whatsoever...

for some people. And you'd be surprised who they are.................

But people wont do the same to me. no,no i dont mind. sriously.

Well wanna go swallow mum's naggs. Goodbye.

ArEs emortal

(im bored post)

Forget about the post before this. Self, you need self-control.

I'd just sit here and pls, everyone, forget what i said....... I want to be an angel. Again. Even though i never will be and i never am.

*Sinks into thoughts*

I'll be going alone later. Hah. Hope i don't get killed in a car crash... Or is it the other way? Hah.

Ares Emortal

i still need help. ANione...?

I've been pretty much an ANGEL... Because i didn't bring any trouble... problem... YET... I've been hiding them... Because.

BECAUSE ALL OF THEM ARE ABOUT YOU, YOU, YOU AND YOU.

Its painful when whatever i do is a mistake, whatever i say doesn't fit, whatever i think should be said and stuff like that. And whatever improvement i tell you to do not taken. Somehow i really am, as everyone says, "TEROK", and yeah, i'm accepting the fact. Maybe i am controlling you, so yeah i'll give you your space. I'm hands-free. But make sure you give mine.

REALLY, i got nobody to go to!!! EVERYONE seems to be neglecting or taking advantage of who-knows-who. Even those parents and those i really keep in mind-heart-body-soul.

And dont bother asking!

emortal

....dinah.......help...

Scrunched up balls of soya-tasting with more salt and green beans thingies.. Well. Peas and quiet. Hah. Swallowed some, about six, and they're the last of foods in this house besides those curly yellow noodles with stupid flavours, and somehow i hate them all.

Hmm. The air was cold, WAS and now it's burrninggg me once again... Its a damn december dude, the air is supposed to be cold and thin and shiverry and cold and thin and shiverry...Haha.
Truthfully, self, that wasn't a slight bit funny.

Where i come from isn't that weird... Hah i was built with cells only and somehow inside somewhere somewhere somewhere... You know, self, i got absulately not a thing to talk about and it's really eerie tating and i'm cracking my head and frying it like eggs.

And talking about eggs. Haha, my friend told me her bO-obs (erhem) were like fried eggs. Now that's funny. She can admit, oh my god, haha. And i'm enjoying myself alone, self... Well not to forget about you... We can make a team actually. You, and Me... We work very well together. Let's pray conflicts die. Self And Myself. oo.

Self, im daft i know.

Hmm. Tomorrow after school i want to bring (or rather drag) my friends, the giggie three, up to the hill and maybe be with the birds, sit between the rocks and be part of them (part of the birds, not the rocks) maybe... And rejuvinate through nature. Perhaps lame. Perhaps.

Who created the words maybe and perhaps anyway! They leave people with wonders, like no right answers... The world. How come that Victoria thingie even know the world is ROUND? And who invented a spacecraft and why should people put that little flag on the moon when we know nobody else will be around except for us, the exceptional middle-minded stuck up humans? Not to mention stoners and wobblers. You know, some are just lack of movements, and some are moving way too much. Figit here and figit there. Haha. Anyway. I wonder why there are other planets, if they are for no use. I mean. They don't contain any livings, researchers say... Why have them in the first place? Is Earth the only place for home? We're all collapsing in the environment i feel like packing and go live in the black hole(ERHEM) so nobody can find me.

LIKE ANYBODY CAN EVEN FIND ME NOW.

ArEs Emortal

I woke up this morning seeing a mother's blotched ''i just cried'' tell-tale eyes. Then she went outside. I shook myself to life and sat down on the bed and daydreamed. As per normal which is. Then somehow i drifted to the kitchen looking for my dear pills. And guess what.

They were GONE! I panicked. I want to live! So i took a chair and climbed onto it in my dizzy state and my hands worked hard throwing all things in the cupboard for the pills. And finally. Burrowed deep within, my beloved pills. Capsules, which is.

After swallowing my pills i wandered in the house and i don't know why i suddenly opened my parent's door. And i saw my mum crying and my dad was in the bathroom so i dont know what and why and everything else and i dont want to know i dont want to care. Self, i keep telling you that, but how come u still want to know and still want to care? You're so stubborn, self.

Now they're going to the market. How happy i am. Well after this i'd be lying down thinking of him and browsing through his photographs... And crying for bad memories and future might-happen badness or just read IT HAPPENED TO NANCY.

The book, is her diary... And while reading it i almost knew every part of nancy, because it IS her DIARY... So anyways Nancy thought she found true love in Collin, but he raped her and left her with the HIV virus... Which gave nancy less than 7 years to live because of her low immune system. Usually people get to live for about 10 years or something if they get AIDS. Nancy, on the other hand was so in the darkness she couldn't feel herself and all... People flew from her... She was like a monster with poison. And then she died two days after her last entry.

The story of her life is pretty interesting. I mean. She falls in love so easily. Her parents are divorced. And shes the only child and shes always being thrown around to her father's or her mother's which is very far away.

Ah enough about Nancy. You can skip that part there.

Now to read Raven's gate. Haha.

ArEs
Emortal
-Non-Existent-
(will we ever exist.)

Slopped around the house.And mom went out. Father's at home in his room. Didn't see him for days. The heat is killing me. It's killing me so much i'd rather kill myself. Hah. What am i talking about? I'd still be dead anyway.

Why oh why?

Need my pills. Need a cold ice drink. Need myself. Oh yes. I am myself. Gosh. I forgot. I'M BURNING I TELL YOU!

I'm already in gear to speed but with? Sighs. Bros are sometimes so irritating you know. But heck i'd join them into the game of 'race you to the end and we'll go back to the beginning on three' and before three he'd be far away already. Sighs.

I've got nothing to do. Hmm.

So goodbye.

muahaha.

ares emortal

Got nothing to do. And it's strange, real strange... I'm so worried about everybody else, i've got no time for me actually. So off-course. I guess it's true those old sayings say. And i'm about to follow one. I'll worry about tomorrow tomorrow. Sometimes i'm so glad i'm alive.

Aren't you? I mean. Sometimes. Rarely though. But now i've got no time to blahblahblah. Need to rush here and there. I'm still burning yesterday's burners. It's so hot i'm still feeling the heat. And it's strange how he can control it more than i could. The heat.

But i seized the whole moment, don't want to end up feeling like everything, my life, is a waste and stuff like that. Now that i've mentioned it, yeah, thats how i really feel. Wasted. Got nothing better to do. Actually what has doing anything make me gain or lose? I'd still end up where i'm supposed to end up. Dead. And then face the consequences for thinking of what i'm thinking right now. AM i actually blaming the one above? Oh mad me. What's so wrong with me?

Spilling my thoughts right now is just like pouring blood into a bottle with ten holes in it. That's daft. Because i know readers will just read this and throw it out. It's 'her problem', not mine. Haha..... Right. My problem. Won't affect you and your precious-wecious dafty-rafty life. Nope, not a tiny bit. Get away. You're so irritating. I need to find somebody.

Rynn. Where is she?

ArEs Emortal

Strange isn't it, how changes take place so fast and easily. Woke up this morning. I was stumbling for my pills, i was late for them. Luckily i still breathed. Well then about thirty minutes later i felt hungry. And at the same time i dont have an appetite. So just ate those vegetables in that thing. Vegetable soup? Haha. No.
Didn't SEE my dad for so LONG! Really, i hardly meet him. And i hardly even meet my mum. I live somewhere else i guess... Somewhere dark. My room. Its dark but its a bright colour.


today was. awesome. except for being sunburnt at the beach. and yeah. mud. haha. it was fun.

but dinah;s upset. sarah's going away.

=(

one after another... one after another...

him, her, him, her. i dont mind.

me? not one after another.

ALWAYS.

ares emortal
7th month

Well. Bloghopped since just now. And accidently clicked on a link of some shit's head. I didn't give the name to that person, pls take note. People nowadays, got no problems want to create problems. Why don't they understand the meaning... I hate problems and to tell this blog the truth i've got too much. Started covering up some time ago and i'm quite ok with it now. No more nothing.

And what is life about? If i refer to... well, ME, it's just nothing but promises- broken or granted, love-happy or sad, and don't forget my loveable friends, Alone and Misery.

HEY THEY REALLY EXIST. But not in human form.

Hmm, alone at home again, what should i do. Oh yea. Sit down and stare at the four walls while i wait, i've always waited but yeah, it's true people only see the bad sides of people. How daft. Narrow minds calls for narrow conclusions.

And why must a post, like any other post, must have words that hurt? Straightness is a form of truth but why must it be so sharp? Oooh, expressions, dare not say in a FORM of voice is it so?

Well hell hounds on my trail now once again. Haa. Croaking. Whathell is that.

The emptiness. Yes it's filling my soul with sorrow. Now i get how you feel. But do you get how i feel? No. Once again. BECAUSE I NEVER TOLD THE WHOLE STORY.

I mean, why should i announce my misery? Foolish won't i be? -Lies__
Hiding behind lies, people...

And suddenly i've got this 'i dont feel alive' feeling. Oh yes i know why. Everything i said about people moments ago... WELL i am considered one. Ahh. I forgot.

Take the chance.

Ares Emortal

Say you didn't mean it... Say it's not real...

Sighs. WHY WHY WHY. Ahah. Why am i even screaming 'why'?

I should change and dissolve into the new... things now. The gap of time... Sighs. Used to be so happy. Was i? Oh. No. Haha. Okay.

Things are VERY wrong. Someone help me......................................................
Is this some sort of curse? Sighs. These type of lonely days. He would usually sit beside and bring in a cup of something. Something he made. How i miss those mango-banana thingies he made to drink. Then we'd sit by the winds and he'd sing me a quiet song which he made himself...again and again till i smile and laugh and giggle at the dumbness of the song.

And when i'm down he's the one who would ask me what's wrong and give me a nicely made something to make me feel better...

It used to be great.

But not anymore. He's gone...
_________________________________

The newness of you. Hell changed you, why!!! You're like someone i don't even know. I don't want to let go, no, never... But i have to let go of the past i guess. And when i need you now.,.. Yes you'll be there but it feels like you're so far away... In another world... Your ways are different. And to tell you the truth i miss the you i once knew...

I hope this doesn't hurt. Because i still love you.

Sighs.
_______________________________

I'm close to tears

ArEs Emortal

I'm back. And a MOM's back is against me, ignorance...

The trip wasn't that bad. Had to seize the moment, this happens once in a lifetime... And talking about lifetime. MY LIFE TIME IS RUNNING SHORT.

I miss MISS miss MISS miss him. He's sick sick sick. Sighs. I miss her. Now i feel the torture. Things are turning real bad. My second pair of parents are drifting real far. And i miss them very much too. And a real mother's tantrums are falling on me... Yeah. People do not have feelings. Most of them i mean. They don't get what i feel. Whoever they are. I'm just a sick girl with a sick mind, i know. Nobody can feel for me, not now... They won't get it.

Because i never told the whole story.

I'm thinking about how i wish i could go back. SIGHS. And now the rest of my fellow family is celebrating... Don't know what. We were invited. My mum insisted on not going because she hates one person... My aunt. My second mother.

Brings me tears just to think of it. Ya'll probably think i'm over sensitive... YEAH maybe. Mom's giving me more cold shoulders. Like as if she doesn't want me to be in this family, cuz whenever i'm around she'll turn all moody and angry and stuffs like that.

I shall remain isolated.
And i still hate my life.

i breathe just for you, not to live...
Emortal

DNA, pls take care of him for me, i mean, remind him not to be sad.

AND STUFFS.

ARDAREL, pls take care of her for me, i mean, remind her not to be sad.

AND STUFFS.

The world is closing in. And did you ever think. That we could be so close. Like 'brothers'.

ares emortal

Indecent Siblings

Gone forever, you're just a piece of memory with a knife in the middle... Still remember the time you woke me up at four and we went out together by the hillside and stared at the gloomy morning neighbourhood... And ever since you walked away... You left my life in disarray...

Can i ever see you again? It's been a long time since i did. Those lazy afternoons when we throw cups of water an flooded the floor by accident, those times when we would get your guitar and try to sing a duet but failed, those times when we swallow dumb stuffs...

Should have seized them all, now it's a great loss, something i would have appreciated so damn much if i knew before... Why must your life end so discreetly and swift... Everything feels wrong without you near, no help... No nothing... Your jersey hangs still by your window... Seen so damn clear... Why aren't u wearing it? Oh yes you're no longer here...

I hope you enjoy your other life there... I hope you don't cry or miss us at all...

just like....i am missing....you.

You're the one, who, threw it all away... Halfed-eyed monsters, afraid to smile, under a huge tree, ready to cry. Listening to the wind blowing, walk down the empty street... Down to the old barn full of horses, watching the clouds move slowly by. Stroll down Lustic park alone and feel it everywhere. Take me to where i can smile for once, no taunting... Where the beauty of yesterday will hold my hand and keep me safe and warm... Distant memories are burried in the past... forever. The sight of you had dissolved into my mind and u're the last ever thing to be happy of and the only memory left is this ring... I can hear the buzzing of the outside world... Loud... Cruel. You got me ready in your 1996 shabbies and here i am sitting by the window with the dandelion sunscorch in my hands... Where is my happy ending? Waiting, waiting, waiting and humming this song stuck in my head..

So goodbye...

ares emortal

Virginia was a "lot lizard" from F.L.A.
She had a compound fracture in the "trunk"
It started when she ran away
Thumbs out out on the interstate
She hitched a ride to misery

"Mr. Whirly" had a catastrophic incident
He fell into the city by the bay
He liquidated his estate
Now he sleeps upon the Haight
Panhanding misery

He's gonna get high
When he's low
The fire burns from better days
And she screems why
I said I don't know
The catastrophic hymnes from yesterday
Of misery

Vinnie was a hustler out of Amsterdam
He ran the drug cartel in "tinseltown"
They found him in a cadillac
Bludgeoned with a baseball bat in the name
Of misery

Gina hit the road to New York City
Mysteriously the night Vinnie croaked
She stopped in Vegas to elope
With Virgina and the dope
And kissed the bride eternally

And they're gonna get high
When they're low
The fire burns from better days
And he screems why
I said I don't know
The catastrophic hymnes from yesterday
Of misery

Hell hounds on your trail now once again..boy
It's groping on your leg until it sleeps
The emptiness will fill your soul with sorrow
Because it's not what you make....
it's what you leave

And we're gonna get high
When I'm low
The fire burns from better days
And she screems why
I said I don't know
The catastrophic hymnes from yesterday
Of misery

ArEs Emortal

I FAILED. Because he failed to win himself.

Now who's feeling the pinch. Lookie here, oh it's me.

How could you think in that position, it's bad, please change your mindset for me. Your latest post is such a failing one, because you made yourself so horrible and... ergh.

So u failed.

So i did too.

MS, CAN I GET A PACKET OF YOU-KNOW-WHAT TO THROW DOWN THE PLANE??

ares

smile.

smile.

smile.

smile.

smile.



fakes.

ares emortal

Okay. An unholy confession was made to me last night. Or rather, a backup story saying "Im sorry i didn't mean it." WHO IT WAS, i still have yet to find out. Find him or her. How about finding myself first? On thursday to saturday i'd be away. No me no nothing. Heavenly Hell.

I will be inbetween towers of shouting people, screaming in joy... I'll be there, yes. And its not doubful to find that anyone i know is there too. Place isn't that big, just cool. I'll either be stuck with my bro or range alone. Because that' how it is supposed to be. How i WISH a companion could follow. This wish will never NEVER never come true. Ahh, nevermind, wait another ten years and it will.

Time is flying for the moment, i have to rush here and there and everywhere. You'll see my footprints all across the land, submitting this, buying that, borrowing this and digging that. Is this my reward?

I'm really exhausted, and my feet are cling clang ing. But still, what's more worth it than a smile of a beloved?

Ok the end.

Ares Emortal

IM MAD.

I HATE EVERYTHING.

COMPLICATED.

OR AM I JUST FINDING MYSELF.

IM REALLY LOST.

FIND ME HURRY!

her name is misery. SHe's a hard cover book with an inside that bleeds, weeps, cries...

DIES, just like us humans... She's got misery, she hates and loves misery, SHE is misery.

and so me watching her like this, argh, it's burning me.. i can't sit still nor breathe.




ITS NOT ENVY I EARN, NOR ENVY I FEEL.

IT'S FRUST I AM, FRUST WITHIN.

i might just have my misery back. grynns.

put me out of my misery
forever ever happily, pain in misery

[plain]

BLOW WIND BLOW i need some air to breathe!

whothefuck is this mona person, and why is she spotted on my tagboard instead of her 'crush's'?

seems like i know who she is, but maybe not... BEFORE I CAME she knew him so there who could it be.

Then just now, while in our neighbour's place, some girl with a super sweet high-pitched voice called, saying "you so mean steal him!!! kau jage kau" and hung up. i didnt even get to say HI.

i dont deserve to fall this way
by a person
who feel betrayed...

sometimes i cry thinking my future looks so bleak...

ArEs Emortal

SOMEONE LISTEN, WHY AREN'T YOU LISTENING?

Once apon a time.
A couple went out together.
They wanted to be alone, away from the crowd.
So they found this nursing room, which was nice and cool and lovely. And they went inside.

Wanting to be REALLY away from the crowd, they tried locking the door, but failed.
So, they used the female's slippers and slid them under the small space at the door. Then, they placed a dustbin over it. They put the male's boots nearby, to prevent too.

Suddenly in the midst of smiles, a malay old lady crept open the door. It was terrifyng, they jumped. Actually somebody wanted to use the nursing room and since they were inside the people, nasty, could not use them. "saye panggel guard eh!" the lady said. they rushed, the male said "sekejap", and the female said "tunggu tunggu tunggu" and they wore their footwear quickly. It was funny! And then a cigarrete box was laid nearby, but no cigerrates were used. "AWAK ROKOK YE? Kalau orang nampak saye kene tangkap awak kene tangkap tau!" They DIDNT. That was funny. Then the female took their plastic bag of gummies and candy and walked as fast as she could away, being stared by those nasty people wanting to use the nursing room. Then the boy chased after her and they quickly escaped, not wanting to be around that area nor being spotted and they proceeded to the bus stop.

And soon they were on the way to the female's place. In the bus the male fell asleep. He looked so innocent like an angel sleeping.

And when they were to part back home, they had to part inceremoniously, saddening. They had to walk apart from each other...

And one of them cried, the other, almost.

This is the story of a couple who would die for love, they would run away if they have to, jump if there's no choice, laugh at mistakes;even big ones, poke their eyes, stab their hearts, everything....

but together.

The end.

ares emortal

HE's back, in god's good gracious.

THE HEAT!!!!!! IM WARMER!!!!!! But i won't only be warm tomorrow.

=)

indulge, people, indulge.

grynns

Ares
Emortal

bleed black blood


MY RIGHTIE!


well wanna go 'read' some books, haha, goodnight!

Ares
Emortal