All that i am, or hope to be

“All that I am, or hope to be”

Dekat disayang. Jauh dikenang.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

No i wont leave you. No i wont cry because im alone.
With you by my side, life is a different thing. I saw
something new. Something better. I saw hope.
My fragile heart belongs to you. You're the medcine
to all the heartaches. Im sorry if i hurt you. I know
i did a lot of times. I may not see you every second
in my life. But i do always in my heart.

If loving you is a sin
And being with you is a crime,
I'd rather kill myself.
I'd rather do the time.
Wherever i may go
Wherever you are
I'll take you with me
Near, close, or far.
Maybe not in reality
But i really do in myself
And im saying this truthfully.
I never want to let you go.
To prove it to you
Theres only one thing i can show;
You're my only one,
You are part of my soul.

Alternate Hatred Fashion

Read My Title.

Alternate Hatred Fashion.

Yes. Fully hatred. Its a fashion now.

A something which comes from the source:

misunderstanding and assumptions.

Thats what is happening to me and my father.

Yes. Luckily mum exists.

My friend said..

Moms are like the earth. Dads are like a hurricane.

When u get blown off by the hurricane,

you sure will never forget the experience.

But. You will still walk on earth.

Sighs. I didnt sleep the whole night through.

Not only afraid that i will lose my only one.

But afraid i'll lose myself too.

I mean. Without me, what is there to be?

Memories. And that is all. plus tears.

I was suicidal. But luckily. LUCKILY.

The heartache of last night still sticks within my soul.

I will never ever forget this. And the pain..

It will last for as long as ever. The cruel words.

The words saying that i am stupid. I am hated.

I am everything bad. I'm sick. Sick in the brain.

The words saying that he doesnt care no more.

"You can die. Now. Do whatever you want."

Yeah and these came from my dad's mouth.

Yesh i know i came from him too. But i apologised.

No matter what. Im still sorry. But he wont be.

Even if i die. He thinks i don't appreciate him.

Then what am i? Yes. Insane.

Instead of helping me, counseling me..

Like what he did to my cuzzies,

He still could be so bad and almost slapped me.

SLAP ME. Go ahead. For all i care. Do it.

I deserve it. But i didnt purposely do wrong.

Im human please. You're human. We're human.

Be humanely.

He said he don't care. Fine. But i do.

Anyway this whole thing...

Lets take it as a shuddup. My mum allows me

to be friends. Close, very close, best, whatever.

Okay. You love your friends don't you.

I love mine too. So done. Only...

Bloodwritten on 31 August 2005

Sad-.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

sighs. i actually cried reading my dear's post. about the day being over. how come his birthday is like this? Sighs. I wish i could have made it better.

pity him man. sighs. sighssssss. its so unfair.

sighs.

____________________________________

Dear if you are reading this.. always remember ur always in my heart.

I may not see you every single moment in my life literally.

But i still do in my heart.

Please don't be upset. Though i know you are.

I know its very painful. yesterday.

Sighs. Well i need to go to school.

bye. love you.

_____________________________________

rynn & nat

My Hero

Monday, August 29, 2005

Okay since i do have the time, i wish to continue my emphasism on yesterday.
Its 28 of august. Yesterday. And i arrived at tampines at abt 2.30... And met up with him.
Yeah first question was 'where are we going?' and then we headed to a park. yeah. And stayed there for less than abt 5 minutes arh. or maybe 10. Well then we headed to a block quite near to his house. Okay not quite. Veryy. And then.. To a cafe. The best part of all. Melting. I was melting. beside him. And then and there some things happened. I was kinda embarrassed when finishing up my drink. im slow, geddit? Ahah verry slow. And then after abt 1 and a half hour spent at the cafe, we went to... A library. And then to the park again. There, i let go of myself. I kept on staring at my dear. Strange, but eye contacting at him is easy now. last time just to see him is hard for me. Well i guess my true self is shown at yesterday's meeting. And later on we went to a carpark nearby to the mrt station... And did something there arh. Not for fun lar. And then we went to the mrt station. But i was to go home from there. yeah kind of hard to part but at last we did part.

Whyy. For the whole thing i felt so... different. Like i finally am me. I mean...
Someone finally did hold me safe and warm.
The feelings i felt when i was little... is back. And im so happy it is...

My other half. I found it. Or did i?

TakeN

Yesterday was a blast. Soooooooo... wow. Happy moment. Kinda funny, but i didnt feel left out/ awkward/ shy-istic anymore. Yalar. It takes time to be free of shame. Great time. Taken.

Take my heart. take my mind. Take my Hand. take my life. I love you dear.

__________________________________________

Whoo. Todaee is his birthday. Sadistically, for now theres no celebration. If only i lived next door to him.

Well............ Sighs. Pities. Pities. I gave him what i intend to.

Im so glad that yesterday was one that he enjoyed. Cuz... Its like...

Im just a too-young girl. And acting big.

Very very selenger.

Blurr.

Not the type of girl ppl dream abt.

Not clever. Average.

Nothing much abt me.

Stupidistically weird.

But he accepted me!

im so damn touched.

Kind of.

Well... if he is by any chance reading this...

well thank you so much.

Im not forgetting any moment i spend with you.

Thank you. And happy birthday..

_______

Get down!

Wooo!

Get down...

I'm lying to myself and this dagger's my excuse.

Im a pawn i should have paid up

And i left an hour late I was laid up.

I must abuse myself I'm against all that I've made up

Set in stone the Sun will come

And I hate light.

You know I hate light...

To me it looks so pretty burning.

I must have caught something

In the heat of all these dances

I'm a worm with no more chances

And I've lost all doubt In a chemical romance

I can't stop itching

Over thoughts of tarnished hope

It's kind of funny Lonely feeling

I'm not in love

You know it's not love

Don't make it looks so pretty burning

Brothers and sisters

I'm right here with you

Cause everyone's got one

A story to kill me

I'm so apathetic in my resentment

Living, loving, knowing not...

____________________________

thats not for real; the 'im not in love thing'

UNREAL. The rest...

Heys

Saturday, August 27, 2005

I got nothing else to say. Just one thing

I CanT WAIT FOR TMORO! whoohooo.

I'm. llosst.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Sighs. Pe'ah. I'm so so sorry. Whoever fault's it is. But. I just can;t get the happy-happy times we had with you. Well. I guess its all over now. decisions had been made. And what is done. is done. Don't forget. You may be an enemy on the outside of me. But you are still someone i will always care about. A number of my problems came from you. The source. I don't care. I can handle them all. Cuz the problems i'll have are only those i can handle. Pe'ah I hope you will still recognize who you really are. Don't lose your mind. Don't forget who and where you are and come from. I know you'd never be lonely again. You've got a new group. Even though the members of them are rated down. Uhh. Good luck. Don't be upset. Forget the past. Move on with your new life. We are okay with everything. betterness. You can spread whatever rumours about us. They arent true. Theres no point.

So. Goodbye.

[neighs.]

The End..?

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Pe'ah. VERY BAD. She's taking things so damn heavily. Whathell.

And she STILL says we're wrong. What. I want a settlement. Please.

Fcuker. Horse. Piggie+horsie=her. WHY? Cuz she's horsie which loves

the all time piggie color. Ok enough. I don't like hurting people like

patently. I hurt them in a way that they feel for themselves. Illiterally.

Like make them think. And they will know that i'm seeking my silent

revenge. Like always. Revenges. Are light. For me. But i still do hold grudges.

STILL.Thats the second time I say still. Okay third.

Argh. Okay. But i got tips. From myself.

How to solve problems.

1) Do not stress. Problems are like mathematical problem sums.

2) They cannot be solved immediately.

3) You must understand the problem FIRST.

4) Then, when you've found the source...

5) You do not need to attemp to the problem fully.

6) Because some problem sums, can be done mentally.

7) And so do your problems.

Okay. Hmm.

How to sing.

Make sure old people are not around, they might get a heart attack.

Make sure the glass are all wrapped. They might break.

Now sing. Vary the pitch. Ask somebody reliable to choose the pitch that is nice.

Make sure your voice is original. Do not make it fake. Do not sing from the stomach

or lungs. It's supposed to come out from the throat. That's your real voice. And let

your voice flow out. Do not try keeping it inside. Then, when the person had identified

the right pitch, choose a suitable song. Sing it. Practice it everytime you could.

- there you go.

Can you sleep

as the sound hits your ears,

one at a time

An unspoken balance here

Unabridged for so many years

that I should stare at receivers,

to receive her

Isn't fair

Don't worry

I'll catch you,

Don't worry

I'll catch you,

Don't ever worry

Your arms in mine, anytime

Wouldn't trade anything,

You're still my everything

To my surprise,

Before my eyes,

You've arrived

Still breaking old habits,

habits

You pulled the world over me,

I can see everything,

everything

Remembering,

Just remembering

Don't worry I'll catch you

Don't ever worry

No need for reminding,

You're still all that matters to me.....

They Love. They bleed.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Well. Everyone love. EVERYONE. And everyone bleed. But...

Let me say something.

Your relationship will last longer if both of you treat each other as

FRIENDS but are still a couple.

Yeah.

It works. Just treat each other like you treat your friends.

Trust each other. Tell each other what you want to.

Nevermind if it might hurt. Because it's not a lie.

Lies hurts deeper than the cuts of truths.

Well.

Good night.

_______

Dear if you are reading this,

good night to you too.

Love you and

yeah sweeeeeeeet dreeeaAAAms.

________

Keindahan pelangi adalah...

keindahan wajahmu sayang...

Yang sering bermain di mata hatiku ini....

Keharuman bunga kasihku hanyalah untukmu sayang

Bagaikan pantai dan lautan takkan terpisah...

Kasih sayang ku ini hanyalah untukmu

Kutelah berjanji

Kaulah yang satu dalam hati ini

Untuk selamanya...

_________

ENDS MY EMOS.

Blarhs.

Bloodwritten on 23 aug 05

Reasons wHY

Just now, was a fun minute, but also a not so fun one. Cuz pe'ah problem again.
She had her penalty and her draw was to go down the lift ALONE.
It's simple. Can she not overcome her fears? C'mon, fears cannot go on forever, right?
But the three of us were kind enough to ask her to still go down the lift alone,
but we would too. I planned to go down first, then the horse(pe'ah) and tipah and mime
after that. But she didn't want it, pe'ah... She kept me in deep troubles for so long.
And she's like taking advantage of me. Because she knows i can use MY computer
any single time, she would call and then ask me to log into HER msn.
WHAtHELL!!! She don't know what she did is totally wrong man@
Verry frustating. She keeps make me stressed up and feel bad. PLEASE PE"AH stop!
But i know if she read this she will only say 'yeah, yeah everything i'm wrong.'
ARGH.

Aniwae i've been keeping my secrets
-feelings safe from now on.
I don't want anymore...
problems.

bloodwritten on 23 aug 05

Risks

Monday, August 22, 2005

We can't blame others when love dwindles away -
For we knew from the start it never promised to stay.
It's just one of those things where the stakes are high -
And sometimes it's forever, and sometimes it's good-bye.
When you love the right way, you will never lose -
No matter what path life may force you to choose.
You may end up with tears, or a broken heart -
But you knew what you signed up for from the start.
You can only give what you've got to give -
And if that's not enough, then you must continue to live.
Life will go on and broken hearts will heal -
You must continue on your quest, for that's the deal.
Throw your heart into life, and never stall -
For the greatest risk is to risk nothing at all.
You see, love is the only thing that we know -
That can be divided and divided but continue to grow.
And life isn't long enough to lock away our heart -
Just because life may have forced two people apart.
We will continue to love and continue to lose -
We will continue to pick and continue to choose.
And then one day we will just risk it all -
Take the chains off our hearts and dismantle the wall.
The last time we love will be the forever -
And never again will our hearts be forced to sever.
We'll never have doubts that it'll go away -
Because this time, it'll be here to stay.
But until then we must endure all the pain -
For we only see sunshine if we can wait through the rain.

Argh

This guy, old friend.. I used to be close to him. He sound me. Shit.

"R@sCaL" says:
U DA DE BOI??
Eemortal .r.y.n.n. ---------- and we bleed and cry says:
kenape?
"R@sCaL" says:
TANYER TK LEH..??
Eemortal .r.y.n.n. ---------- and we bleed and cry says:
bilang dulu knape nak tau
"R@sCaL" says:
ALA..MANE TAU U AVAILABLE KE..//
Eemortal .r.y.n.n. ---------- and we bleed and cry says:
knape kalau available?
"R@sCaL" says:
ala..klau available kan,mane tau i der chance ke..

aww man. aww man.
TSK.

"R@sCaL" says:
DUN SPEAK 2 MI AHH
"R@sCaL" says:
.....
Eemortal .r.y.n.n. ---------- you wouldn't end up this way says:
alar
Eemortal .r.y.n.n. ---------- you wouldn't end up this way says:
sory arh
Eemortal .r.y.n.n. ---------- you wouldn't end up this way says:
erhg

He's the skater type of boi.
Aniwaes i dont think im interested
im pure UNSINGLE.
OkaY. Promise.

"R@sCaL" says:
FUCK U
Eemortal .r.y.n.n. ---------- you wouldn't end up this way says:
ah?
Eemortal .r.y.n.n. ---------- you wouldn't end up this way says:
leceh man
"R@sCaL" says:
HEHE

fuck him lar.

"R@sCaL" says:
HMM... MISAS U
"R@sCaL" says:
I MEAN ...MISS U ..
Eemortal .r.y.n.n. ---------- you wouldn't end up this way says:
blarhs.

-____________________
dear dun weri. i wont leave u.
unless if u want me to.
im ur slave n i like it.
dun weri ok. iloveu.

__________________

the reason im publishing all this is

because this is my blog.

MINE.

so i let out MY thoughts.

dont u dare comment bad things.

just suggestions.

OKAY.

MY THOUGHTS.

since u cant read my lips,

read my b lo g.

MY BLOG.

bloodwritten on 22 aug 05

For Everything There Is A reason

You sleep. YOU sleep. You dream. You can see yourself in your dream. Who's seeing you? whO is it that sees whatever you are doing? Think back. It will make you know who you really are. Okay.

Hakikat- kalauku dapat pergi balik ke masa dahulu
kan ku hiaskan semula untukmu
kipimpin tanganmu ke zaman indah syahdu
tidaklah kau seperti
hari ini...

bloodwritten on 22 aug 05

Its the only thing

Sunday, August 21, 2005

TOMORROW full day ENGLISH exam. Shit. SMELLY SHIT. Shiiiiiiiit. Help me... fcuk everything. I need some sleep. Goodnight.

Bloodwritten on 21August 2005

9.50 PM

Grow up?

Saturday, August 20, 2005

This is who i am and this is what i like. Until the day i die i promise i won't change.. so you better give up.. I don't wanna be told to grow up, i don't wanna change i just wanna have fun. Mum told me to go to bed and i was on the phone. I played a prank in front of everyone.. Till the day i die i promise i won't changeup. .. I don't wanna grow up. I dun wanna be told to growup. ANd i dun wanna change i just wanna have fun. I dont wanna change so you better give up. Cuz im not gonna change i dun wanna grow up.

Dass just a song.

Bloodwritten on .20/08/05.

10.53 pm

Running away

A simple split of time changed me. I mean, it's just a simple single thing that disappeared and i feel like the whole room is empty. Without pleading, i guess i won't forgive myself. The only thing i need now is someone nice enough to help, to say that everything will be alright and that i had hurt everyone and they don't forgive me is not true. Lying to myself is a habit, i don't trust much on others, neither do i on myself. I don't know why. I need that one person. But i know i cannot always get what i want. Wants and needs. Of course needs are more important. Its something to do with survival. But this, aww heck care, let's. It's just a single simple stupid ungrantable wish. I want help. I know my mum can help. But i can't tell her this topic, she'd probably ask me to cut the stringss.My parents counsel my cuzzins and all. They say that my cuzzins are all very unhappy. They got a lot of problems. Well, my parents definitely forgotten all about me. They ask others 'how are you? how do you feel now? sad?' blahz. But they forgot all about ME. They think i'm a simple ' i'm so happy' type of girl because i've got no learning disabilities and not much of family problems. But they don't know what's hidden behind my wide, obviously fake, smiles. It's complicated I can;t take it anymore. Its like, i need help from my parents, but i don't dare say, because they'll tell me i'm actually problem free and stuffs parents would say. I'm not the most depressed human. I'm nothing. My problems are tiny.

But they Hurt.

Let Go

Friday, August 19, 2005

KAY i want to let go of my anger.

YES I AM SELFISH

I AM WRONG

I HAVE LIED

I SWARE I LIED

SWARE I KNEW THIS ALL ALONG.

I DIDNT MEAN TO TOUCH YOUR HEART

NEITHER DID I MEANT TEARING IT APART

I'VE APOLOGISED

I KNOW THE WORDS YOU WANT TO HEAR IS

'ITS NOT TRUE'

BUT IT IS TRUE

AND I CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO CHANGE IT

I'M SELFISH

I'M WEIRD

I'M STUPID

I BROKE YOUR HEART

I TORE IT APART

I SANG FOR YOU A SONG OF MISERY

I DIDN'T LEAVE YOU BEING HAPPY

AND I'M REALLY VERY SORRY

CUTTING IS NEVER THE CURE

NOT FOR ME, NOT ANYMORE

BECAUSE IT GETS ME INTO DEEPER TROUBLES

I'M SORRY THERE IS NO CURE

YOUR HEART IS TOO BROKEN

I'M SORRY

THIS MADE ME WANT TO LIVE NO MORE

BUT LIFE GOES ON

EVEN IF WE ARE DONE.

whatever i wrote.

is crap.

dont read.

okay

What Happened To Us

I thought it was too good to be true

I found somebody who understands me

Someone who would help me to get through

And fill an emptiness I have inside me

But you kept inside and I just denied

Some things that we should have both said

I knew it was too good to be true

Cuz i'm the only one who understands me

What happened to us?

We used to be so perfect

Now we're lost and lonely

What happened to us?

And deep inside i wonder,

Did i lose my only....

Who could have known

The lies will grow

Until we could see right through them

Remember the promise we had swore...

Now it's just a past we lost it

What happened to us?

We used to be so perfect..

Now we're lost and lonely..

I could have made it work

Could have found a way

Should've done my best

To see another day

But i kept it inside

Until it was too late

And now we lost ourselves

The consequence we pay...

To throw it all away

Did i lose my only one?

presentationette

Thursday, August 18, 2005

.The CURE can NEVER be FOUND.

.the cure can never be found.

Today,Tomorrow,And yesterday

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Never thought i'd feel this way

Never thought this would happen to me

Is this my fate

Is this my fate....?

Is it true we will sometimes be in misery

Is it true we can open our eyes and see

Is it true the truth are not lies

Is it true that our hearts will not die?

Since yesterday will never come again

And tomorrow will appear to be coming

Today will never last

It will come to an ending

But before today ends

Before anything else stands

Before my dreams are unleashed

And yours are released

Is it true we will sometimes be in misery

Is it true we can open our eyes and see

Is it true the truths are not lies

Is it true our hearts will never die?

If they are true

If they are real

I want to unseal

That you're not alone

Feeling that all those are true.

Because nobody is alone.

I feel it too.

________________

Because EVERYONE feels heartache

And everyone feels pain

Onle those with true courage

Can get up, and try again.

My Own

Hey my internet is back.. But i'm sure only for a while. Well from now on i HARDLY cry. REALLY! Seriously. I think its pretty useless. Yeah it iss. I don't and won't gain anything. Nevermind feeling hurt. I'm used to melancholies. Andd me and my dear want to carry on. Fartch MSN. I won't want using it ANYMORE. IHATEIT now. Even remembering it hurts me--to the bones. Deep huh. Nope2. Well tomorrow will be oral exam. SO shitie i don't know what to do, say, or speak or what so ever. So i can only see dimly what will happen tomorrow... Hmm, my classmates... Some say they are SMART, can read people's MIND through REACTIONS. BUT if they can do that, how come they TEASE my wrongly understood WAYS of doing THINGS. Even though they are VERY bad... They are STILL understandably sadistic. HEY I'm human... Acting on the stage of HIS creation... I don't PURPOSELY obliterate the RULES... Sometimes i forget who i am and what i should be.. I'm HUMAN...Sighs...

To everyone: I don't want to fight again.. No more please...
To my dear: Nothing exists anymore. Without you... Please don't think abt the past.
What is past, is past. We can't do anything about it. I still love you..

The End Of Me

Saturday, August 13, 2005

I don't trust anyone anymore i hate my life... i know i shudnt hate until i die but its just the end. the end. theres two parts of me... the pessimistic side and the optimistic side. i always said to myself to look at brighter sides than darker ones. its the END. of everything... its the end of me. i keep swallowing... swallow my sorrow. the best method. i blew it. i swallowed too much. this is the end of all my sorrow.

THE END.

SHIT HIM

MY STUPID CLASSMATE FUCKFUCKFUCK! HE EVEN SAID HIS JOB IS TO MAKE MY LIFE MISERABLE! FARKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. HEY IM HUMAN OK!

I WAS STONED!!!

STONED.... Funny huh. For more info ask me. Or else those stupid people will think i'm some darn ghost. Kay, there's a clue there. Okay let's be straight forward. Ghost also, ghost it is lah. I was blue top to toe, not breathing.... Tears. Siallah. Nevermind.

I'm not mad at anybody. I'm perfectly FINE. So dear, Dasriqah, Julia and Aedriff I"M NOT MAD AT ANY OF YOU. Finishh. Okay. I'm not mad now. Just a slight bit warm here. WARM. I mean. The heat. Of the sun.. Oqaye.

kk gtg bbye

Two hearts or ONE????

Friday, August 12, 2005

Okay. This is dedicated to my dear. The rest, shooo don't read this.

I'm TRULY sorry i caused soooo much pain in you. I guess it's a test for the bond of the relationship. Because in every relationship there is three sections of it, responsibility, tolerance and love. Though it sounds mainly simple, it is not. So far, we have been together for quite some time, because our bond has been strong enough to challenge the obstacles driving us half crazy. But the reason i'm typing all this is not for you to waste your time reading it. I am here to say that i really appreciate all the little things you do for me. Take note, i do not ignore them... I may look, sound or appear to be ignoring something but sometimes just a simple word will last for days in my head. And there goes, i keep thinking about why i didn't do this, why i did that instead, how to react next time and blahblah. Well if you feel that certain things i did or say offended you i'm so so sorry. You do know the fact that i mean what i say, and i feel guilty when i don't fulfill your wishes. And yeah, you should know very well, i do love you very much... Don't take things heavily okay because i learnt from this relationship that i am very weak emotionally, mentally and well, physically in a sense. That's all i can say, for now... I hope we can go on longer. You're the best one i had ever had.

Fucking Final

AT LAST i got to the NET!!! For so long... soooooo long. But fuck, im sick sick sick sick SICK!!! I HATE THIS. OMG everybody for e.g. my friends are asking if im okay. I'm fucking touched they came to my house. But i'm not okay and i didn't say i was. Like shit i can't move freely i feel cold even if i were to be in the oven. And yucks i have to take in 7 DIFF MEDCINE three times a day after meals. What can i eat? Two days and i'm already miserable at home. Like what the hell i'm miserable everywhere. And yeah, i vomit when i eat. Its painful. WHAT HAPPENED? I overdosed on darn panadols and 5 expired flu medcine from last year. Yeah i took 15 panadols and drowned in pain. I was shivering all night and i got gastrick flu plus overdosity and shit my condition has worsened too. SIGHS. MY DEAR says he's sick too. Ah everyone is sick nowadays... sicknesses are everywhere i hope there will be a cure i hope those who are sick will heal....

Deville Eyes

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Yeah, devil eyes. Sooo red. Like reddish red. But at least i can see now. Last saturday and sunday, my eyes were just a LINE. Sore eyes. Seesh. VERY embarrassing. Can go cycling at east coast some more. Plus, i hit a little kid. Wahaha he fell and cry and i hit and run. Hmm thanx to my dear my sore eyes cooled off. WHY? He gave me gd enuf to understand advices. HEY IT WORKS! Really. These few days... ups and downs, like everyone else, of course of course. So... now at least i am online again. Maybe tomorrow, i won't be online. Because there is a likely case of a STUPID MODEM. It may stop at any second. But what can i do? I'm not the owner of the modem who can get money to buy a new one or anything else. Well ...i plan to go to tampines but i don't see how i can, because my parents are home. Expect the unexpected. My family are spiers. I mean, we keep a close lookout on each other. Once i went out with my friend and spotted one of my family member (the P.I.L.U.S. member) spying ME. There, thats where i gained my respect (wah wah) for spying. But i only have the rbd. Some of us have the gnnd. Heck im too young. EHHM these few days nothing to do ah, very bored. Can't go out with deville eyes. It hurts inside. ehe.

I love my dear NAT

__________________________________________________________

g o o d b y e

Thursday, August 04, 2005

I can see the pain living in your eyes
And I know how hard you try
You deserve to have much more
I can feel your heart and I simpathize
And I'll never criticize
All you've ever meant to my life
I don't want to let you down
I don't want to lead you on
i don't want to hold you back
From where you might belong
You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to say but goodbye
You deserve the chance at the kind of love
I'm not sure i'm worthy of
Losing you is painful to me
I don't want to let you down
I don't want to lead you on
i don't want to hold you back
From where you might belong
You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to say but goodbye ..

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to try
Though it's gonna hurt us both
There's no other way than to say

goodbye

Sialness

Eh, after recovering, i fell back down, sia...i mean, like mentally. I feel SO DAMN INSULTED by this one person's words and REACTION. I thought this thing doesnt matter to this one person, but it does. I feel like saying 'forget it. i give up on you' and get lost from this one person's sight. Like sialah, im finally enjoying school more, stress is released more, my friends understand better, and everything now is smooth and easy-going. I feel like farscking off this one person's little insultive soul. Like sialah, i don't care for this one person anymore. NOT A TINY BIT, not ANYMORE.

Forgotten

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

So hot. So cold. Tonight. Is. DOUBLE. No point. Thinking about yesterday. I'm giving up on being guilty. Cuz there isnt any point. Im moving on. I wont forget i was the one that was wrong. Ive forgotten everything that i wanted. And im leaving my past behind me. Start afresh a life, im getting my life now. Its too late it will never be the same i'm so different now. I need to step up. And be strong. Im too weak. Its my flaw. Weakness. And overreacting. And forgiving. And never forgetting. And helping. Ergh.

i love my dear nat

Another Side Of Me

There's this other side of me
Not sad, not lonely
This other side of me
Is the side of everything happy.

Try to tell me what i souldn't do
You should know by now
I WON'T listen to you

But hey there's always a brand new day
Coming soon,
emerging after dawn
I can watch the sun go by
I can dream of afternoons
I can sing a song of happiness
and watch the sky and stars and moon

Everything on this side
Is just another side of me
Another thing i hide
Another thing nobody can see

So i'm not 100% depressed
Nor am i 100% devastated
So don't judge me as you do
Because it will only put me in the shoes
of hatred.

Thanku2.

i love. my dear.

To my DEAR and only my DEAR

I didn't mean to hurt you
I didn't mean to make you cry
I didn't plan any gesture
And I didn't want our love to die.

I couldn't help myself
From feeling guilty every day
I couldn't accept the fact
That I had hurt you in such a cruel way.

Challenges are something we can't avoid
What we learnt is almost always what we teach
What you feel now might hurt
But your heart i cannot read

I need you to forgive me
I really do very much care
I don't want to offend you anymore
I hope that you'd understand it there.

Praying for everything to be alright
Is a simple job to be done
But to twist it back to normal
Is like love being hunt

Though you say its all okay
Though i trust you totally
I still want to end it up this way
I'm sorry, i hope you forgive me..

Off On

Im going to school soon. Hey. Everything is settled. I think.. Well i'm okay now... But i'm not so sure about my dear. I still remember the last thing of the meeting... the kiss. Then i smile. I am smiling. Finally. Well, yesterday my mum saw my cuts. So manie. She bittered my night. Now, i kind of lost my direction... I prefer nights than days now.. Because it's calmer at night or else it's chaos. I keep on getting the flashback when i told my dear abt IT. Oh my god. He was damn3 disappointed. He said he wasn't. Facial expression... is worst than disappointed. I wonder how i looked like. Maybe a bit funny. On total, can make 'novel' arh. It's like a story... Okay nevermind.

I need to go bbye

i love my dear

Goodbye.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

I don't believe in 'good luck will come' nor do i believe in 'miracles'. WHY? Because neither of them came, and i once said "dream on till your dreams come true'. But no i'm saying my farewell to that. Because my dreams will never come true. I am a kid. Yeah. But not like any other. I'm not the same. I don't cry when I'm sad. I cry at all times. Maybe not in reality, but in heart. I don't think like any other. I lie to myself. Lets say someone and i fought and that someone forgave me. But no, in my heart, i lie to myself, saying that person is still angry, which might be true. Not particularly you, or whoever. It might be my dear, friend, mother, brother, etc. And i appreciate all the little things... But do they appreciate me? I feel like i'm alone in this world. But i know im definitely wrong. There are even worst conditions in other people's life. Why have luxury when there isn't a sense of happiness? I smile when i have to, i frown when i need to do so. But one thing i did is, to lie to myself and actually cause own deepening pain, physically, and mentally. I used cut a lot, and i still am. A whole lot of people knows about it, and i don't care a slight bit. Nothing can stop me now. I'm off my limits. What i am... I am sensitive. Once a small thing breaks out, blah. I get aggresive and tend to hurt MYSELF. I miss my past, even though it's pretty bad... Because feelings of sorrow is just overflowing... Overflowing. I inhale those secrets i hold, the sorrow, the pain that i never had shared with anyone before... and exhales nothing but air.In my heart, a silver storm. panic-risen, uncontrollable. I can't even feel my friend's touch, and sometimes can't even hear anything. My mind is out somewhere else. When i finally wake up, I become alone... I feel left out in this world, and i wish i could join its fun. I know the reason why i must do good deeds. But did you ever think, why must you live, when you have to die? Why must some people born and die straight away and go to heaven? ITS NOT FAIR. They get the chance, why can't I? Why can't YOU? Why must some people experience so much pain, while the rest feel so much happiness? Why some people are so devastated and some are so euphoric? Questions, there are so many. Recently, the question is 'does he forgive me?' and 'am i over reacting?' which i think i am. Well. I'm still overwhelmed by my very own reactions. I feel very guilty. And mad at myself.

And i forever will be.

i still love my dear. i wish he forgets about this...

The WORST and the BEST

I GOT MY DAMN RESULTS, they are like shit.A lot of people failed ENGLISH. I JUST PASSED! MYYYY. And yesterday... I met with my dear and i confessed a group's secret... I KNEW HE WAS HURT. He said he wasn't. Of coz i knew. Everyone would be. With the fac*i language my ancestors passed on... Of coz i know... And well... He said he forgave me... I need not forgive him, he did nothing wrong. And when i told my friends what i told to my dear... They were pretti dissapointed. Me and my big mouth. But its good enough i told him. Or else, what will happen? Reaching home was like going to hell. Everything was wrong. I quickly went into my room after the lecture, embraced by the smoke. I was suffocating, but i'd rather suffer physically, than mentally.I burned some candles, and locked all windows and doors to breathe in the stupid smoke. I am BORN weird, and i don't want to show it. So far the weridest thing i've done is calling R. Yeah. I hate her. Everything is because of her. And i appreciate her too. I hope my dear understand... Everything is my fault. I lied once, and its a big sin. I deserve a punishment. Im frightened with tears. Im sick and im going to die soon. Why do i think this way? What is wrong with me? Sometimes i think i will go to hell... Sometimes i even want to!!! What the hell is wrong with me...? I hope everything will turn out to be okay.. I dunoe why, these few days are never -light and hapy-.. all are always full of darn problems.. and sins... well for my dear im truly sorry. I didnt mean to break ur heart.I'm sorry too about my frenz. They were a bit uneasy.

well if i were him, i wud probably just forget about the incident. Because salmah said that 'in love age, looks, opinions and people surrounding doesn't matter a tiny bit'

....and it changed my life.