All that i am, or hope to be

“All that I am, or hope to be”

Save My Soul

Friday, July 29, 2005

Heh, just now, on the way to school, i vomit blood, in front of tipah.. She also almost vomit, but den luckily she dident.And well, quite a number of happenings...

This salmah made stupid things happen, she shout like hell... Then tipah go and burp like a frog, croaking like shit. Ahaha. Shit. heh. malay exam, quite difficult, a lot from workbook, but a lot i FORGOT!! like shit, i shud have taken teacher's damn advice. Then teacher said, 2-3 ppl failed malay compo, because out of point oredi. I scared me, because i talk crap in the compo.. Scared, sia. And then this monday, my dear coming, i need to find things to wear! i duno, i got nothing nice to wear, like so siannnz.! argh, hellp.!

-stilllovingmydear-

Torniquette

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Do you remember me? I'm still me, and don't say you want the real me back. Because i am myself, don't say that , it hurts. Im crying, inside of me, bleeding, screaming.. And im too weak to be saved.. Must i die? Return to me, my torniquet. My love, my life, my torniquet... Don't leave me in this salvation... It seems to hard to.. sruvive... Too hard to live without my torniquet. return me my love, my torniquet.Bring me back to where i came from, or anywhere at all, except for home. Anywhere but home. Breathing, bleeding, screaming... Breathing, Bleeding, screaming.. return to me my torniquet.

EXAMS

TODAY WAS MATHS. i was damn nervous. turned out to be not so bad lah, but still baddable. Meaning still bad. No doubt i get lowwww marks. Its just 'anyhow-i-just-wanna-pass' tingie. This exam, like not serious sia... We all still can lepak2... Budden teacher oso like take it quite lightly... Not as bad lah. Can say.Tho i still think my maths will be down, like hell. DOWN___

And urgh. English was preeti tough too. Waddehell everything is hard. When it comes to non-exam, i become so so slackish. Like, past year's exam paper, i just hentamm. And i hardly concentrate in class, its too boring. Tho i always am in a world of my own, i still managed to REMEMBER wat teacher tok. She blab and blab and i dream and dream and i still understand what toking she. heh. heheh.

-I stilllll love my DEAR. OK.-

...

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Pneumonic (comes from the word pneumonia) Leukemia.

n:An acute or chronic disease marked by inflammation of the lungs and caused by viruses, bacteria, or other microorganisms and sometimes by physical and chemical irritants.

sighs.

Losted direction.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

My heart. Is calmed, while doing this post. Well.

Now i know what it really is, for a pain that really2

bites the heart. I went to see. The doctor. And found out.

I got.. sumthing sumthing sumthing that may kill.

Now i noe how to appreciate life.

Now i really know, why i musnt givupp.

98% of the ppl who got this sickness survived.

I hope i do too.

IF i dont.

Ive got something to say.

Im sorry if i touched your heart. And tore it apart.

Im sorry i didn't help you when you are in need.

Im sorry i was sarcastic, moody and any negativity at times.

Im so so sorry. Whoever you are.

I should have thought.

Last time i used to desire death.

Suddenly, i still want to live.

Well. If you hate me,

you can leave me.

ALONE.

Because that's how everyone will be in their

death cages; coffins.

im off. not to die.

WEwillPART

Monday, July 25, 2005

we will one day part

by deathor by fate

we will one day part

one leftalone in hate

we will one day partn

ever to meet again

never to be remembered

we will one day part

hopes forgiven;dreams forgotten.

we will one day part

though we swore

to meet at heaven's door

we will one day part

never going to be together

cuz nothing goes on forever.
.we.will.one day.part.will we?.

____

to my dear: ITS JUST A POEM!

nothing else. OK?

ok. Loveu.

SORRY FORGIVE ME

SIGHS! I'm always the cause, the blame... Of unhappiness. Whatever it is,DEAR IM SO SO SORRY! Dident mean to hurt u!stressed, weak, depressed & hopeless thats what i feel now after reading the so sadly done post of my dear. Lets just forget abt it k? SORRRRRYYYYY!

_____________________________

Ah. the school thing. Well. Salmah dusnt noe tt the me and her bf case is finally settled, so here comes anoder misunderstanding. I think i shud tell her a BIT cuz she is quite angry at her bf. And she says she likes cutting her hand, too. Budden she's got no reasons to do it. her life isn't that bad. Average la.And she... said that her life is TERRIBLE! BUT no deaths of close and loved ones, no, just she's stressed up about her mUm. Relationship is a PLACE WHERE we make common errors causing stressi-up cases and depression. She has that problem. And so do everyone else. She is stressed at school. And so am I. Standard problems aren't meant to be taken so heavily. I am not condemning her, I just am trying to speak out my thoughts. WELL she stopped CUTTING FOR NOW and i hope forever too. She is my friend. My best friend. But because of me, she is influenced. BY ME. It's my fault, i started and she followed. SIghsss.

__________________________________

Well in the news there is this "AYAH PIN" who admits he is GOD. In case you don't know, he said that he is the god of every single religion, and whenever someone prays, it means praying to him oso. What stupid shit. he said he can speak all languages but when someone spoke german, he was like confused. What shit. What nonsense. And then, well for the Islams...and even the rest..

This ayah pin... Well someone wanna go mekkah wanna naik haji. But then he/she cancelled it bcoz ayah pin, GOD, is aredi in front of him/her. Stupid ryte? Then got 1 person go and stop praying AND fasting because god is aredi in front of him! GOD? AYAH PIN? A skinny kampong-looking guy?! HEy praying AND fasting is COMPULSARY for ISLAMS no matter what. Stated in the QURAN. Rukun ISLAM leh. Like sialla, this guy so old got 4 wives. He said he got sleep 1 BED with all his wives. ISH, siallah. Then he got so many children. IF HE IS GOD, why can't he remember ALL of his children's name?! GOD knows everyone's name laaah.! Crap ryte? This old guy, skinny, LOOKING V V V OLD and unclean is god? god=suci. But not him. Then ryte. god stay in heaven lah, pls, not IN TERRENGANU, MALAYSIA. ANd plus, he got a lot a lot of followers. HEH. abt 14-15 are from singapore. PLEASE K PPL, don't be influenced. This guy talking WORLD and syok sendiri arhh. Maybe, maybe maybe maybe, he is like some spirit which wanna rule the universe? Yah. He is. Maybe some unwanted devils go and take over him. And not to forget, some of his followers are some very strong in religion type of people. Tsk2. For more information, log on to this site:

1]http://quickstart.clari.net/voa/art/hl/1F038A98-A10D-4BAE-88D1C4435FC49FB4.html

yeah. BE IN. perent this stupid stuff.

-i still love my dear. and im still sorry.-

SEA SPONGES?

Sunday, July 24, 2005

I want to do my science card. Well said here that i have to find 5 microscopic aquatic plants. See, i still do. Haha i need to overcome this.. boredness. So now. Are sea sponges 'microscopic' or not? I don't know. But i need to. It's stupid. I Know. I'm silly enough to actually even talk about sea sponges here. Whats more, it's homework that's due a long time ago. Perhaps i can donate this piece to my bro? Or sign it as a 'certificte' for completeing it despite being so depressed. Well... What are the available aquatic microscopic plants? I don't know. Organisms, i know but plants... Too bad, i chose the botanist card. It's difficult to accomplish. Sighs.

Well on the other hand i'm thinking about my dear. Maybe he is sleeping. Tsk. I feel as if i'm not worthy. Not good enough for anything, what more having him, such a nice person. I'm not worthy... I'm not worthy...

Ahh. The salmah cutting hand and friends case is finally settled, i think. I told 'him' the whole thing why i cut my hand. Guess its just misunderstanding. i know 'he' is not a bad guy. It's just the way we think. Well, he thinks different of me. Now he knows. Ahh. If it's not settled i don't know what the hell to say. Maybe i'm too... erm what can i say? Too frequently bottling up everything. Thats why i experience these type of things. I think i should open up a bit.

About my class.. I know the people are all kind and caring. Just that some are over confident i guess. Everyone is smart i can say. We all have the scores. So we can think, yeah i know. But we shan't go too far. We can't keep on assuming and assuming and making conclusions without proof. Thats all i can say. I only hope that we won't part next year. How sad.

Sighs. I need to overcome certain things now. They are overcoming me. Some people forgive, and forget. But this particular someone called Amisha ... I asked her for forgiveness as i couldnt meet her. yeah she forgave me. FORGIVE AND FORGET. She forgave me. And fogotten all about me too. Seems like she really do forgive and forget. Well misha... U have been a gd friend so far. Too bad too bad.

Forgive me.

Forget me.

This... heart

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Do you remember that time? You have changed now, while i am here still steady,hoping for love to be the star of my life. My promises will be forever on, to love you forever. I am here preventing any wrongdoings. But now there isn't any meaning to hold your past sweet promises. They are now the cause of the burning of my heart. My heart is broken and shattered because of you. If there is anymore love in this heart, i will only hold it forever...

ARGH BORED!

This death. Is my decision.

I go to my room and lock my door

I will see your face no more

I start to cry

Pleading with God to let me die

I sit and think about having only one friend

I don't want an extremly drastic end

Fuck the knife

I plan on ending my life

For my life there is no hope

What if I use a rope?

I can dangle from a tree

Pain and misery free

My debt has been paid

Why don't I use a razor blade?

I'll just take a handful of pills

Too many hydros always kills

Trying to cry

No tear in my eye

Blurred vision

Always remember this death was my decision

S a d n e s s F l a sh b a ck

I miss a lot of people. I miss myself. I miss my terrible past. Even though it is terrible. Because what i have now is even worse. And nobody seems to care. Everyone seems to be ignoring. They would say 'just ignore the feeling' or things like that. Then what? Bottle everything up!?! WOW that is GOOD yea? SOOOOOO gooood. Erghh. Haiz. Den now everything is locked up in this... heart which i will keep and i will see forever. I won't leave the necklace which was given to me from my dear and i won't leave shayra's ring. Sighhhhs. I wonder... Why must those i used to care about always have to die? Sighs. And worst still, i need to get up and try again. Try going on.My classmates... They don't know what's going on. They condemn me like hell. Blame me. Blame me. Blame me. About the cuts thingie. They blame me. me. me. They don't know my past. They are caring people, i know, and they will pity anyone in need. But they don't know my past. Maybe if they do, things will change. I just need to open up a bit. Maybe i'm too quiet at school. Maybe i'm too unfriendly. Maybe i'm too serious? Sighs. Maybe i'm just not interesting. Yeah i'm a boring person, so what. Errgh.

From the primeval mass

Friday, July 22, 2005

Here i am. Reflecting. And reflecting.

Let me start. My FRIEND sent me this note.

For my birthday. Well it's full of questions.

Guess i never did have the time to answer them.

So maybe i'd just hang it in my blog here..

Here goes...

How are you?

-I'm not my usual self, eevrything is down.

What would you do if you got oesteophorosis?

-Oesto what?

What is your essence now?

-Black, goth-like.

Any problems recently?

-Yes yes.

When are we meeting?

-When it's my turn to die...

So ok i've answered her questions.

Guess who sent it to me...

It was SHAYRA.

She's now ... erm. dead.

Because of an accident. sighss...

she was my best friend....

Well. face the fact yea.

She sent me the letter,

and died later on. sigghhhs.

I close this entry with prayers

and regards.

____

Disastrously

Everything is a hell of a disaster.
My broadband will be ok for just a short while so...
I GOTTA RUSH.
Well i am blamed for this.. erm
SALMAH cut her hand because she is influenced
by me so the whole class blames me
and i'm in deep shit and i've got a stupid feeling
that this somebody isn't this somebody anymore for me
and EWWW roaches are everywhere because the people
spray those tingies called insecticide, or rather roachiside
and den the stupid roaches instead of dying crawls all over the world
and den yesterday morning at the hall before flag raising
got one stupid big roach on tipah's back
and everyone parted and den i and tipah spotlight
then the roach almost went into tipah's clothes budden
i managed to 'shoo' it ABit AND then it terflew quite abit.
And yeah, im super distressed and everybody is asking me questions
all stupid questions which makes me have no time to speak properly here
my language is all and-ish and a lot of stupid people are also
asking why i forced salmah to cut
but i didnt force her she wanna folow
and this matter was long3 time ago yet they wanna heboh2kan
and they also ask how many cuts i have eh my pasal lar
they all kpo like hell so the binget one!

klah im off.

MR SMILEY MAKE ME SMILE

Saturday, July 16, 2005

JUST NOW i met with my dearest dear. FUN, but unfortunately time sped through all. And we wished we could stay but,,,, alar. aniwae im in my room, sposed to go out but my parents resting a while. WAH just now fun sia. He made me smile like a clown. He oso smile arh but den... haiz i was melting.. den at my room i was like screaming for joy seyh. he gave me d last kiss sehh. wahhduuuh2. k r i'll stop here. :LOVEUDEAR!:

Slippy

Friday, July 15, 2005

I am totally soaked top to toe. Just now send back salmah, cuz it was raining too heavily. Her house is over the field. Well at going back time, me and tipah... Tipah left me stuck in the middle of the field. I was actually chasing my SLIPpers because they were SLIPping off my feet. And it didn't happen only once. I guess the current was very strong, strong enough to take away my slippers... Luckily tipah wore shoes... The water was above my ankle... And the current was so strong and... Like... Blood gushing all across.

Well, I actually don't really like salmah cutting too.
She is addicted redi. Because of me..
Im one hell of a problem. Which pe'ah, afiq and salmah is involved in.
I duno what i have to say for myself... Not to boast,
But i think i have been quite patient. And well...
I dunolah, everything is upside down....

And i know. That nothing can turn my frown upside down.
I hope my sacrifices pay off. Or izzit maybe just now i laughed too much with
Salmah and tipah? I laughed like hell. But pe'ah... sighhs.
WHY MUST THIS HAPPEN TO ME!?

And one last issue.
My DEAR wanted to meet me...
So i got prepared, actually wanting to bring along all 3 members...
BUT pe'ah didn't turn up, so left with 2.
We were ready. Very ready. All stood tall and ready.
BUT UNFORTUNATELY.
My DEAR went to NCC instead.
And so there goes a huge dissapointed long-lasting
sigh between me and salmah and tipah.
Luckily they are both understanding friends...
LUCKILY. Sighs. I love them very muchies. Tanx, galz.

For pe'ah... i hope she understands this.
She is really a gd friend. Maybe because she found out
that salmah cut herself, she sulked away.
She is quite sensitive, i can say.
And she stomped off after the last period, all mad and fussy.
Sighssss. WHat a life.

oklah aniwae.
I DID bleed myself out.
just now. so sad. boooohoo.

klah dats all. i Got nothing more to say. bye

No TIME TO CRY???

Thursday, July 14, 2005

This guy. He saw me.... doing something. And asked me why. I gave a stupid answer. NO TIME TO CRY. And so. its now a big problem. I know he said sorry only because he is forced to by my best friend, who is also his girlfriend. But even so, i forgive everything. I hide things too much i guess. ANd i lie a bit here and there to cover up certain things. Nono. I lie a lot. Just to prevent anybody from knowing i am not happy. Thats why i like to bleed. It's the way i get rid of... things. Well then tmoro i c lar. If things become strange and weird, so will i.

end.

to dear: no werries kay. nuthing important. loveu2.

Lost... Something.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

I lost a lot of things. Like my most expensive pens... My old books... Rings... And even my way home. Which is only when i wander and wonder about. Well, when i lose these things, i get frustrated. Sometimes the frustration gets me into deep trouble. I would stomp off and blame anyone innocent. Everyone reacts about the same, and of course, everyone wants their things back. When i lose these things these recent times, though, i would suddenly get a flashback, of all the stupid things i lost. And for that, i learnt how to prevent myself from losing all this acess items. And so, i did manage to find back the things, because i managed to trace back my steps. Sometimes they may be hidden behind the sofa, or under my bed. Sometimes i lose my spectacles. When i get all fussy with it, i realized that losing that wasn't as bad. It's just a pair of lenses inside a frame. Expensive, you may say. Only one thing i lost that i can never ever get back my whole lifetime... I lost my best friend.

_______________________________________________________________
That report was what i wrote for the ISC competition on short stories.

Well, lets carry on. Yesterday, some freak go and say my DEAR play timer. What shit. WHAAT SHIIT. ergh. Ok everything is settled...

WELL... AFIQ saw the CUTS. arghh! i hope he dusnt spread. And he dusnt understand 'no time to cry'. ahhh nevermind nevermind.

oklah im off.

To dear:

-DEARRR sori abt yesterday. loveu-

A million problems

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

And a million worries. I wonder why i become like this. And i hardly like to talk no more. I feel soooo isolated. Now. I don't want to share my problems. It won't work. I'm hard to be understood.And i know nobody in this world can ever help me. I chose to ignore the problems. But i took that as a wrong advantage. I should have bit the bud. Why must all this be my problem? And what did i do wrong? Ergh. Enough this time you hurt my heart. Too much. I can't take it anymore. I know i've lied a lot. I am secretive. I admit it. I am a good hider. ANd i can't afford to tell anybody anything. Oh god, what is my sin? What is my wrongdoing until i get such a punishment? I hate being unhappy. And at the same time, it too, feels like heaven... Sometimes i even think i want to go to hell!!! And i don't know what syaitan had taken over my lonely, lost soul... I want to re-live... But i can't seem to get myself back. I lost my very own self. People say i can give off good advice. I help people. I laid out a helping hand for them to stand up after they fell. But i didn't know one thing. Which i do now. I saved people. But i didnt managed to save myself. Whenever i stand in a corner of the class for example, i feel so unsuitable. So left out. Like i'm trapped in my own world. Dreams2. i want to cry, but i don't want to do that in front of anything at all. I like to please people; like making them laugh out... But i don't enjoy anything at all by myself... My past is just another memory...

ASSUX. That teacher. She want us to give her respect. Treat her with one. But when we do a single mistake... oh god. She blasts off like a rocket launched and burning on the way up. Ergh.

Okay thats the end of this long... report. i Guess.

note for my dear: Sorry i told u to hush. I wasnt in a gd mood. Sorry. Loveu.

Over----

Monday, July 11, 2005

My stuuupid partner...

Ok he's not stupid.

THE GUY SITTING NEXT TO ME...

WHAT PERVERT SIAA.

dunolah. so uncomfortable with him.

kant cope arh. hes too... "caring"

and he talks to me every single second. my gawddd.

my head dizzy.... and i kant concentrate in class.

i feel like screaming a loud shuddup to his face.

so he wud shut.

dreams that we keep on thinking about

are always the furthest.

and things that we are supposed to let go

are always the ones we hold tightest.

and ITS TRUE. its us, really.

okay the sky is overcast.

well. my dear survived!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! whoohooo.

i prayed alot sia. but unfortunately...

just now when i was sposed to sleep...

meaning at 1.am or ssoso...

i cudnt. i sensed another presence in the room.

And i really feel it. Truthfully, i was really shivering.

Afraid, cold... I hope everything will turn out

to be fine.. Cuz everything is NOT.

truth is, i hide a lot of things.

I dunt want to expose this...

But i have overflowing problems....

That nobody knows.

I feel so isolated...

Embraced by the shadows...

Whatever it is, i hope that

When tomorrow, a brand new day

comes... everything will turn out to be ok.

Rain... falling...

like my tears...

my blood...

raining on me....

my dreadful deep feelings...

i Dont sympathize myself.

But... i dunt know i feel like jumping down..

and re-live.

sighs well. the end.

-i love my NAT-

ANYONE???

Friday, July 08, 2005

just now...

my dear sang. to the freaks.

whoohooo. noice.

rili.

noice.

'jangan pisahkan'

we appreciate him singing

very

much...

i luuurrrrveee him lotsh.

___

u can see but u r blind,

what you can see in your mind,

is the raging fires of hell...

informing the farewell...

Gathering all hopes and ddreams

And fading the thoughts of wings

Creating the sensation

of the hell; information.

Life and Death

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Okay d title got nth to do with this entry.
Well....
my wrist is BLEEDINGG now...
got story. long story. behind d bleeding.Hmm.
TODAY at school was so damn damn damn damn boriGn.
ya boriGn. hyper boring. borign.

kant take it r.
i hate it wen we have to stayback
on wedenesday for thiings.

ALa. nemind it wasnt tt bad.
cuz i have my GD LUCK gift wif me.
Duno why but the necklace my dear gave me
brought me so muchhh luck.
V lucky tau. I love tt ting.
i hardly take it out.
and while in utmost boredom..
my ears HEAR the song tt my dear sang...
perfect seh.

Ahh tomoro goin back home late. AGAIN. shittie.
I noe dis is 4 d preperation of xaminations
but its too boring
isnt it "FUN LEARNING"?
grrrr. what a symburl.

k r.
tats all r.
waitinggggggg3.
for u noe wat. if u dun den forget it.

-IloveMYdear-

Tired.

Monday, July 04, 2005

Urhm it's 7.45.
I havent finished hwk yet. Gotta rush.
Just now at 12.30am to 4.45 am...
i talked to my dearr. then he sang something r...
i guess i shall not say it. well... I LOVE the voice of his.
like so damn cool seyyyy. niiice. niice effect.
he's like perfect r 4 me. heh we talked crap.
'measuring' for quite some time. ahaha.
he a gd person 2 tok to r...

well i dun wanna remember just now. at sch.
okok arh.
oklah wanna do my farrrking hwk.

-IlovemyDEAR-

Thank uu.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Dedicated to my dear...

Thanks a lot for everythingg.
I really appreciate it.
I appreciate U.
U changed my way of living
I guess u did cure my pain,
bit by bit everyday...
I didnt know we'll go this far
And i never knew a
stranger can become
a lover to me.
Ever since you came along,
i knew i had changed.
And i really feel comfortable
now.
Because of you,
I finally can smile.
And i can never imagine how it
will be if you go...

So thanx again For everythingg....
-loveu-

just a poem

im getting bored sick here.

so here goes the poem[s]

1]The untold truths

Of wisdom lie

Solely in the beating

Of the heart of an

Ill treated child

Whose wounds will

Heal and heart will seal, but

Memory will never die_

2]I am a girl writing of my pain

I am a person living a life of shame

I am a daughter hiding my depression

I am a sister making a good impression

I am a friend acting like i'm fine

I am a wisher wishing this life weren't mine

I am a girl who thinks of suicide

I am a teenager pushing her tears aside

I am a student who doesn't have a clue

I am a girl loving YOU

I am the one asking you to care

I am your best friend,

Hoping you'd be there...

[you refers to my dear]

3]I'm sorry for all the time i lost my temper

For the times when i was rude

For all the gifts you gave me

And never get back a thank you.

For all the love you've given me

And i haven't given back

For all the times you were patient

A virtue that i lack.

Im sorry for all the people

To whom i was so cruel

To all the people i laughed at

I acted like a fool.

I'm sorry for all the times i lied

For the people i hurt along the way

Not a day goes by that i don't regret it

And i'd take it back any day.

I'm sorry for everything ive done

For all the people i let down

I'm only asking for a second chance

So i can turn things back around

I know it is a little late

My deeds can't be undone

I realize now that i was wrong

And i'm sorry everyone.

NOT BAD!

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Today was bad.
Really bad.
AT FIRST.

Ever since i recieved the letter...
from my dearest loveliest bestest only dear...
the day turned out to be not bad. at all...
i was smiling all the way.
i smiled too wide when i was opening the letter in the car.
too wide until my family kind of teased me abt it.
TERHARU reading the letter.
and so happieeeeee.
once again,
tanx dear... love u always.

I got a new three quater tee from my parents.
Then a book. Chicken soup for the teenage soul...
And den watched mr and mrs smith. it was oklah but
a bit 'merepek'..and wierd.

well dats d end wanna chat with my dear noww.

taa aa.

-LOVE MY DEAR LOTSH-

The Worst Day Ever

Friday, July 01, 2005

IS TOMORROW... which is 2nd of July.

1]Why?
=It is the day i was born years ago.
2]What's so bad about it?
=I had touched peace and made everyone around me
upset and unhappy.
3]Meaning?
=PEOPLE don't agree when i share my problems
which cause me "UNnoticed claustrophobia"

What is claustrophobia?
I give you 3 definitions.

1]An abnormal fear of being in narrow or enclosed spaces
2]Abnormal dread of being in closed or narrow spaces
3]A morbid fear of being closed in a confined space

The space is MY LIFE.
Get it? if you don't, then igNORE me once more.

well then thats the end.

thankuverymuchiez.

-not feeling OK. not even a slight bit.-
-though i'll still end it the usual way-

-love my dear-